Though I’m not furious at her—I’m furious at myself over how this is going down. Maybe I shouldn’t have let this thing between us go on this long. What started out as a trick, as a way to get revenge against Lawrence, turned into something more.
Turned into something … real.
“You really expect me to stay?” she asks incredulously. “I’ve been used enough by Zachary. I’m not going to let you do the same.”
“It’s not like that anymore …”
She laughs, but the sound is harsh. Hard. “It’s never been real, what’s happening between us, right? Isn’t that what you really mean? You used me and I used you. You were the distraction I needed to help me get over Zachary.” She pauses, and I hate that she brought that fucker’s name up. “You can’t go any deeper with me. You’ve told me over and over you’re incapable of it. Scratch your surface and I’ll find you’re hollow inside. Heartless.”
The truth fucking hurts, so I say nothing. There’s no point in arguing.
“You’re not going to say anything?” she asks.
I remain silent, standing in my living room naked with my heart in my hands. Hell, my heart is in her hands and she’s stomping all over it. I deserve it.
Her gaze meets mine, never wavering once. “Who are you? Did I ever know the real you, Ryder?”
Yes. You’re the only one I was ever real with. But I fucked it up. Fucked it up royally and now you’re gone. You may be standing in front of me, but you’re long, long gone.
I shrug in answer.
She storms toward me, her gorgeous face screwed up in anger, disbelief, and pain. So much damn pain. “Fuck you,” she whispers just before she rears back and slaps me across the face. The sound of her palm when it meets my cheek is like a loud crack in the silence of the room.
I rest my hand against my stinging cheek and watch her go to the door. Swear I hear a sob, the sound faint but filled with so much hurt my chest aches. She opens the door and slams it so hard everything seems to reverberate within my shitty apartment.
Violet’s gone. She exited my life as fast as she entered it.
And I’m forever changed because of her.
Chapter Thirty-one
Violet
Tonight, my life is going to change.
I had this thought once before, that fateful evening when I went to dinner with Zachary expecting one thing and received something else instead. At first, I’d been devastated by Zachary’s news that he was leaving me. Disturbed by Ryder’s sudden interest in me and irritated by Pilar’s overbearing interest in Zachary.
It’s all come full circle. I’m back at square one. Zachary and I broke up and somehow I’m back with him. Sort of.
Not really.
Ryder entered my life like a tornado, destroying everything within me in a matter of days, weeks, before he spun right out like it was nothing. Like he was nothing.
More like I was nothing to him.
But he was everything, at least to me. He used me to get back at Zachary, and the idea of it still stings tremendously. I thought he’d started to care … but he was still in contact with Pilar. Still wanting to be with her for whatever sick, twisted reason.
Ryder tricked me. He didn’t go after me because he was attracted to me. He wanted to hurt me. Use me. And he did, most thoroughly. Worse, I wanted to be used by him. I miss him, which is so incredibly dumb, but …
I can’t help it.
Now he’s gone. I banished him from my life. I walked out of his apartment that horrible night and never once looked back. He left for London the next evening on a red-eye flight after being called to a very important—and secretive—meeting. A three-day meeting that also involved my father at one point. Zachary is sure there’s some sort of sabotage going on in England despite my constant reassurances that he’s overreacting, because yes, I’m still talking to him even though I shouldn’t be.
Deep down inside, I’m sure he’s probably right.
It’s so silly, after everything he did to me, but I miss the connection Ryder and I shared. One look from him and my knees weakened. He made me laugh. He made me moan. He made me think. We worked well together. We made love well together, too …
He’d touch me and I’d grow dizzy. He has a magical hold on me that I can’t deny, that I don’t want to deny.
More than once I told Ryder that he owns me. And I thought … I thought he felt the same way. That he somehow owned me and I owned a little piece of him, too. He commanded me like no other man ever has. He understands me. My needs and wants. All of those wickedly sexual things we indulged in never once felt wrong with him. He consumed me. And scared me.
I’m still scared, more over the fact that I’m alone again. I’m mourning the loss of Ryder, which is stupid. I’ve never felt more alone in all my life.
I assume Pilar is having an affair with my father, though that hasn’t been confirmed. He hasn’t shared much information beyond that one time, telling me there’s a woman in his life. And Pilar doesn’t talk, especially to me. We’re unspoken enemies. She’s never liked me, even before what happened between all of us.
For all I know she’s seeing Ryder on the side as well, and that thought …
I can’t even go there.
Imagining her with Father, though—I don’t like it. I don’t trust her. She’s only using him, the way she used Zachary. The way Ryder used me, and I don’t want to see my father hurt. But I can’t stop my father from doing what he wants, so I can only wait this out and hope for the best.
And prepare for the worst.
“Lovely spot,” Father says, suddenly standing at my side. It’s as if he knew I was thinking about him and magically appeared. “Zachary will be pleased, I’m sure.”
I make a face. I don’t really care if Zachary’s pleased with the restaurant I chose for his going-away party. I just want him gone. “I’m sure he will be.” But by the end of the evening, he’ll no longer be my problem.
Ever again.
“Thank you for planning it,” he says. “I know it wasn’t easy.”
“Of course.” I’m doing what any good ex-girlfriend would do.
Good and crazy ex-girlfriend. God, who am I? Didn’t I ask Ryder that very question? I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
“Please don’t make a fuss over this but, I have a date that will be accompanying me tonight,” Father informs me, his voice low, as if he wants no one else to hear.
“A fuss?” I ask.
He waves a hand. “Don’t mention it to your sister. She’s been badgering me lately and I’ve been evasive.”
I glance around, panic flaring within me, but I don’t see Pilar anywhere. “Is your date here?”
“She’s meeting me in a bit.” He exhales loudly and shakes his head. My heart freezes. “Violet, I need to tell you—”
“Forrest! Glad to see you, old man.” Zachary approaches us with a giant smile on his face, slipping his arm around Father’s shoulders and slapping him on the back like they’re dear friends. I watch in disgust, shocked at Zachary’s behavior, surprised that he has the nerve to call my father “old man.”
Is he drunk already? I’m in trouble if he is. The night has barely begun.
“Good to see you, Zachary.” Father smiles, completely unfazed by Zachary’s overly friendly ways. “Seems that Violet has put together a fine celebration for you tonight.”
“Yes, she has.” Zachary’s eyes alight on me, heating in that way of his that tells me he’s pleased to see me. His gaze scans down the length of my body and I suppress the disgusted shiver that wants to steal over me. I’m wearing a pale yellow chiffon dress that’s sleeveless and hits mid-thigh. It looked bright and cheery when I slipped it on, the exact opposite of what I’m feeling. “She’s too good to me,” Zachary murmurs.
“More like too good for you.” It’s Father’s turn to slap him on the back, so hard Zachary coughs. “I need a drink.” Father nods at me. “We’ll talk later.”
I
watch him head for the bar, barely paying attention to what Zachary’s doing until he slips an arm around my shoulders and tries to press his mouth to my cheek. “Stop,” I admonish him, shoving him so he staggers backward. “We’re not together anymore, remember?”
He shoots me an irritated glare. “Please. It’s my last night in this country. I’m leaving, Violet. For months. If I want to kiss my girlfriend, I will.”
“You keep forgetting I’m your ex-girlfriend.” I pull my arm out of his hold when he tries to grab me again. “Please, Zachary. Stop.”
If Ryder saw Zachary do this to me … would he have stopped him? Not that he’s been around to notice, even though I hear he’s just back from London. The last packaging meeting we had, his assistant Luann led the entire thing—rather efficiently I might add, but still.
My connection to Ryder McKay has been effectively severed.
Funny, how having Ryder out of my life, the façade became easier to maintain. I segued right back into quiet Violet mode. Working diligently in the office all day, attending meetings, making decisions, taking conference calls. Going home to no one, ignoring my sisters’ calls, not wanting to see anyone and face too many questions.
It hurts to realize I meant nothing to Ryder. I was just a game, a silly, stupid girl who fell for his game and ended up …
Hurt. A robot. Unfeeling.
Destroyed.
“Just for tonight can you act like you like me? Come on, Vi,” Zachary pleads, his voice rising, drawing the attention of a few people as they enter the private room I booked for tonight.
“Hey.” Fingers curl around my arm and I turn to find Rose standing before me, a brittle smile on her face. “Help me out for a minute, will you?”
I nod, releasing a shuddering breath. “Of course. Excuse us please, Zachary?”
He glares but doesn’t say a word, and I hurry away with my sister before he starts in again.
“What the hell is going on?” Rose asks me the moment she finds a private corner so we can talk. “Why are you letting him treat you like that? I thought you two broke up.”
God. I haven’t spoken to my sisters. I haven’t told them anything, and now I’m embarrassed to say a word. I’ll look like such a fool. “I—I don’t know.”
Rose frowns. “You don’t know? Come on, Violet. Be honest. I know you were messing around with Ryder. What happened to him? He’s way more exciting than that boring stiff you’ve been with for far too long.”
I can’t hold back any longer. I tell her everything. Well, as much as I can tell her in a two-minute span. She stares at me in disbelief, her arms wrapped around herself, her mouth hanging open when I wrap my story up.
“And I think Father is …” I sigh. This is harder to say than I thought. “I think he’s, um, dating Pilar.”
“Ew.” Rose rears back with a grimace. “I hate that bitch.”
I burst out laughing. “I hate her too.” We both start laughing and it feels so good. Almost like a relief, to confess everything, to get it off my chest.
“Listen.” Rose grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. “Get through tonight. Stand by that dick’s side and smile and make nice. He’s gone tomorrow morning, bright and early. You can endure a few more hours with that ass, can’t you?”
“Yes.” I nod firmly. “I think I can.” If I’ve endured the last two years of my life with him, I can handle tonight. “What if …” My voice trails off and I shake my head. “Never mind.”
“What if what? I’ve got you, no matter what. Don’t forget that,” Rose says firmly.
My love and appreciation for my sister nearly overwhelms me. She’s going to back me unconditionally. I needed to hear that. Badly. “What if Ryder shows up tonight?” I ask, my voice small. This is a celebration for Zachary, after all, so I doubt that will happen, but …
“You really think he would show his face here tonight? If he does, I’ll kick him in the balls. No, scratch that. I’ll stomp him in the balls with my stiletto heel.” She kicks out her foot, admiring her newfound four-inch weapon. “I’ll have him howling in pain, no problem.”
Is it wrong that I want to see him suffer just a little bit? I feel so brittle, like the littlest thing will cause me to shatter.
And he’s off advancing his career, after having a great time in London. Probably going after the job Father offered me. I hate him.
I miss him.
I’ve fallen in love with him.
“And if Pilar shows up, that should be really interesting,” Rose continues, clearly on a roll. One I sort of wish she would stop. “I don’t know what I’ll do if Daddy introduces her to us as his girlfriend. Slap her in the face?”
I roll my eyes. Now, that sounds amazing. “I wish.”
“Kick her out of the restaurant, then?” Rose asks hopefully. “You could totally do that, you know. Since you planned it.”
“No, technically it’s Zachary’s party and considering she was fucking around with him not that long ago, he probably still wants her here. Hoping for another chance, maybe?” I shudder at the thought.
“So gross.” It’s Rose’s turn to roll her eyes. “And fucking around? God, Violet, you really have changed. Let’s go grab a drink. I think we’re going to need it.”
Being the good sister that she is, she keeps the drinks coming. All through dinner as I sit next to Zachary, enduring his droning on and on about the opportunities that await him in London. The changes he wants to make.
I want to snort, but I keep it in check. Worse, I’m tempted to toss my drink in his face. But I restrain myself. Looking to my baby sister for guidance because for once, I need her.
Desperately.
Father sits at the table with us but he’s distracted. His date hasn’t shown and I know he’s disappointed. Rose and I aren’t. More like we’re thankful that skank Pilar didn’t make an appearance.
“Think I should give a speech?” Zachary asks as the wait staff clears our plates. “I think they want me to.”
I glance around and notice that no one’s paying much attention to Zachary. They’re all talking among themselves. I don’t know where he’s getting the idea that people want to hear a speech from him, but I decide to indulge his ego. “I’m sure they’d love to hear a few last words from you,” I say warmly. Rose slams her knee against mine, but I don’t miss a beat. “Go for it, honey.”
“I’ll do it now, before dessert is served.” He leans in and drops a surprise kiss on my cheek before he stands and heads for the other side of the room, stopping in front of the wall of windows that overlook the city.
“What’s wrong with you? Why are you being so nice?” Rose whisper hisses.
I shrug. “You told me to keep up the pretense. That’s what I’m doing.”
“You called him honey.” Rose makes a gagging motion with her finger toward her mouth.
A little giggle escapes me and I realize I’m buzzed. Good. I need the alcohol to help me forget. I’ve been depending on it too much lately, but I don’t even care. “So? I want him to make an ass of himself. It’ll be fun to watch.”
“I guess,” Rose mutters. “More like torture for us forced to listen to him.”
Zachary starts speaking and I straighten my shoulders, assuming the perfect supportive position. Rose keeps poking at my side, like the annoying little sister she used to be, and I hardly move save to jab my elbow in her direction every time she tries to touch me.
“I want to thank everyone who came to celebrate with me during my last night here in New York,” Zachary starts, a perfect smile on his perfect face. He’s a little drunk too, talking as if he’s really got this job in London when he doesn’t.
But that’s okay. We can let him pretend.
He goes on and on, reminiscing over when he first started working at Fleur, the guidance Father gave him. He seems to acknowledge every single person in the room who is listening to him with rapt attention, who laugh and cheer along with him, and I wonder how he can still charm everyone
else but not me.
Not Rose, either, who keeps making these rude snoring sounds. I send her dirty looks and she shuts up, but within minutes she’s doing them again. Not that I can blame her. This is the Zachary show and we’re all here just to watch and indulge him.
This night, everything about it, feels surreal. I’m me but I’m not. My body is here but my mind wanders. I think of Ryder. I don’t want to, but I do. I can’t help it. What is he doing? Where is he? Will he avoid me forever? Do I want to see him? Can I ever forgive him for what he did?
I want to. It hurts too much, being away from him. It might have started out as a trick, but our relationship turned into something so much more …
“And finally, I want to thank Violet, who changed my life in so many ways, all for the better. I’m a lucky man to know her, to have her in my life.” He pauses and sends me loving smile. “Come up here, Violet, please? Join me.”
I stiffen at Zachary’s words, at all the sincerity I hear in his voice. At his request for me to stand by him and fake being happy for him.
I can’t do it.
Rose quits jabbing me and instead rests a reassuring hand on my arm. Father is looking at me oddly, as if he’s questioning whether I should go up there at all. And all I can do is stare at the open doorway. At who I see standing there.
Ryder.
With Pilar standing next to him.
My heart cracks in two. He brought her. I could kill him. Or hug him. I don’t know which one would come first.
I stand, Rose’s hand falling away from me, Father’s gaze tracking my every move. With a forced smile I make my way through the tables, nodding at those I know, praying my nerves won’t betray me. Zachary greets me with a smile as I approach him, taking my hand and pulling me to his side. He kisses my cheek, then turns to everyone watching us.
“I plan on making this woman my wife someday,” he says assuredly, and I don’t protest. Just smile as everyone claps, with the exception of my sister and father.
Oh—and Ryder and Pilar.
I can’t believe he brought her. I can’t believe he had the nerve to show up.
Owning Violet Page 32
