by Leigh, Ember
He ran his thumb up and down the flower stems as the elevator lurched upward, watching the digital numbers creep closer to her floor. They weren’t seeing each other enough lately. And even though they had plans to meet up tomorrow, Lex could see her every day and still want more.
They’d get there in time. No doubt about it. Only one big question remained: where would they live? His place or hers?
Maybe they could pick out a new place together. Make it theirs. He’d gladly allow her insane kitchen drawer rules if it meant a lifetime at her side.
The elevator doors swept open, and he headed down the hallway, following it left and then right as it wound toward Lila’s place at the end. As he neared the last corner, her voice wafted toward him.
“Are you sure you don’t have to go?”
The tone of her voice was higher than normal. It made his brows go together as he rounded the corner. And then he saw why.
“Honey, once we’re out, you won’t be able to go.”
A little boy stared up at her, shaking his head. “I don’t have to.”
Lila sighed, tugging the door shut. Her back to him. Lex stopped walking, gaze fastened to the boy, whose big dark eyes swung up to look at him.
Not what he’d expected to find. Maybe Lila babysat her nephew more often than she let on. She locked the door and turned, gasping when she spotted Lex.
“Oh, my God.” Lila drew a ragged breath, pressing the hand with her keys in it to her forehead. They jingled as she leaned against the wall. “Lex, what are you doing here?”
Nothing about her words sounded relieved or excited. She cleared her throat, face going flush. She bent down and told the boy quietly, “Honey, can you go inside for me?”
The boy nodded as she fumbled with the door lock. Lex watched her, his brows lowering further. Something was off. There was no reason she wouldn’t have breezed up to him with a grin on her face, introduced her to her nephew, and then all of them walked out together. The door opened, and she ushered the boy inside. Lex approached cautiously, squeezing the plastic wrapped stems.
“I didn’t mean to…” His voice withered. What did he want to say? Lila tugged the door shut after the boy and turned to Lex like a dog about to get beaten for bad behavior.
“You didn’t call.” She sounded like somebody else. Someone he wouldn’t recognize from voice alone.
“I wanted to surprise you.” The lilies felt like a joke in his hand. Somehow, this had gone terribly awry. “Like you did the other day. I thought it would be nice.”
She nodded, nibbling on her lip as she studied the taupe carpet of the hallway. She still hadn’t looked at him once.
“Is that your nephew?” he asked, fear making a dense nut in his belly. He already knew the answer. She’d been lying to him.
“Uh…” She scuffed her foot against the ground, throat moving as she swallowed. “No.”
Lex blinked a few times, turning the bouquet of flowers over in his hands. “So…”
Lila didn’t say anything, and the silence bloated between them.
“You have a son.” He’d said it factually but meant it more as a question. Maybe it wasn’t true that she’d been lying to him. Maybe there was some other explanation that made perfect sense.
Lila still wouldn’t look at him. She gnawed at her lip for a moment before responding. “I do. That’s my son.”
Lex stared at her, the world going wobbly at the edges. His insides felt like his blood sugar had dropped and he was just a few breaths away from passing out. “Why didn’t you tell me? That’s kind of a big deal.”
Lila sighed softly, her back rigid. “I didn’t…I…I was afraid you wouldn’t accept him.”
The door opened, and the little boy peeked out. His dark eyes glanced between her and Lex, and his little pout looked hauntingly familiar. “Mommy, do you know where my T-rex is?”
Lex blinked down at him, absorbing his face, the strange news rattling around inside him like beans inside a maraca. This is her son. He offered a small smile when the boy looked up at him, and the boy returned it. But it was eerie. Like looking at a picture he’d seen a million times before.
Lex knelt down to greet the boy. “Hey there, buddy. What’s your name?”
“Lane.” The boy swung back and forth on the door, his dark eyes appraising Lex as if he was still unsure about him. “What’s yours?”
Lane. The name echoed inside of him. The very air he breathed tasted strange, like it was all laced with mind-altering drugs. “I’m Lex.” He nodded up toward Lila. “I’m your mommy’s friend.”
Lane smiled briefly then ran back inside. Lex stood. What a fucking surprise. Silent tears streaked down Lila’s cheeks. He creased a brow. “Why would you lie to me about him?”
Lila looked pained, like she’d spotted something fearsome over his shoulder heading straight for them. “I didn’t lie.”
He scoffed. “You called him your nephew when I asked last month before we went to the premier.”
“I-It’s complicated.”
“Who’s his dad?”
Her face creased with confusion, and she buried her face in her hands. “Lex, I can’t talk about this right now.”
Panic swirled inside him, a sudden cyclone. “Why? It’s not a hard question to answer.”
She shook her head, burying her fists in the pockets of her hoodie. “You don’t get it.”
His stomach pitched downward. Whatever was on the other side of this question, he wasn’t gonna like it. “What is there to get? You either know who the dad is or you don’t. Do you?”
She pressed her lips together and nodded. Blue eyes darting everywhere but him. Anxiety slithered through his limbs, leaving a sick, hot trail in its wake. “Just tell me. You’re freaking me out.”
“Lex, I’m not ready to have this conversation.” Her voice cracked with emotion, which set him on edge even further. He hadn’t expected this tonight, not by a long shot. “Just respect that, please. What did you come here for? Is there something you needed?”
“I didn’t know there was a conversation to be had.” He caught her arm when she started pacing. “Lila. What the fuck is going on? Were you raped or something?”
She shook her head, and a tear escaped her eye. “No. Nothing like that. I—”
“Then what? Jesus, will you just tell me?”
“He’s yours.”
Lila drew a shaky breath after the words and leaned against the wall, gasping for air like she’d been punched in the gut. He squinted at her, wondering if he’d heard her right. That couldn’t be true. There was no way that was true. Lila had gotten the abortion right before they broke up.
He stared at her, unable to find a word, not a single word, that could make the leap past his lips.
“Say something,” she pleaded.
Chest heaving, he asked, “Are you fucking serious?”
She nodded, glancing up at him for the briefest of moments.
“Why the fuck are you just telling me now?”
She shushed him. “I don’t want Lane to hear you.”
“Well you wanted me to say something.” He dragged a hand through his hair, staring at the door. His son was in there? He’d had a son for almost five years and only now was finding out?
“Lila.” A long silence dragged past. “What the fuck. Why haven’t you told me?”
She started to pace again, and he brought a hand to the wall, stopping her in place. Her gaze met his, and there was fear there.
“I didn’t know how to say it,” she said, voice coming out strained. “I didn’t know when to tell you.”
“How is this even possible?” He swallowed hard. “I thought yo—” He lowered his voice. “I thought you got the abortion.”
She shook her head, tears welling her eyes. “I didn’t. I never got it. I couldn’t go through with it.”
He stared at her, emotion welling inside him, anger mingling with wonder. There was too much happening inside him to even process, t
o even know where to begin.
“Lex—”
“Stop.” He paced the hallway, bringing his hands behind his head. He started a slow count, trying to level the anger inside him. This was low. The lowest of the low. They’d been seeing each other for this long, and he only found out about his son by accident. This was fucked up. And wrong.
“I was going to tell you,” she said, wiping away more tears. “I meant to last week, but you cancelled. And then tomorrow. I was going to tell you tomorrow but—"
“Bullshit.” He balled his fists, drawing a deep breath. “What about the last five years? Huh? You never once even looked for me. It was just pure fucking luck you showed up at my gym.”
She covered her mouth with a hand, eyes brimming with tears. “Don’t say that.”
“And now after all this time, I find out by accident?” The thoughts flowed easier now. Things were clicking into place. “That’s some sick shit, Lila. I don’t care how you spin it.”
She shook her head. “That’s not true. You don’t understand how hard it’s been—”
“Yeah, because you sure as shit wouldn’t have let me know.” He scoffed, fists trembling. He was desperate to punch something, anything, but it would wait. It had to. “This is the most fucked up thing that’s ever happened to me.” He swallowed a tight knot of emotion, struggling to control his voice. “And from you.”
She wilted and shook her head. “Lex, I want to talk to you about this. I want to explain everything and make you understand—”
“No, I understand everything. Trust me.” He leaned in, jaw flinching, while she hitched with a sob. “You’ve been lying to me for five fucking years.”
He turned and paced the hall again, rolling his neck in a slow circle. Keep cool, keep cool. Every time he thought he caught a glimpse of an emotion to settle on—pain or anger or shock—it slipped away and morphed into something else, like the blobs inside a lava lamp. He needed to get out of here. He needed to just sit on it and wait until the reverb of the explosion passed and he could make an ounce of fucking sense from the rubble.
“I need to go.”
She sniffed, wiping at her eyes. “Lex, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I swear. I was going to tell you.”
“Does he know?” His voice cracked, and he pointed to the apartment door. “What does he think happened to his dad? Huh?”
She shook her head, eyes watering. “He doesn’t know. I-I told him his daddy went away and he’d be gone for a very long time.”
“Jesus, Lila!” He tugged a hand through his hair, squeezing his eyes shut. He had to get out of there, but he couldn’t leave her either. His whole purpose tonight had been to make sure she stayed safe. To keep an eye on her. To keep her safe in his arms.
And now he had a son to think about too.
His belly flopped, and he slammed his palm against the wall, letting his hand drag down. He pressed his palms to the wall and stared at the ground, counting his breaths.
“Lex, I’m sorry,” she said, her voice cracking. “I can’t say this enough. I wanted to sit you down and talk to you about it.”
Down the hall, a door creaked open, and a neighbor stuck his head out, grizzly jowl contorted into a scowl. “What’s the bangin’?”
Lila sent him a tight smile. “Everything’s okay. Sorry.”
Once the door closed and silence roared between them, Lex found his voice.
“How old is he?”
She paused. “Four.”
“What’s his favorite color?”
“Yellow.”
The corners of his mouth twitched into a brief smile. “What are his favorite things?”
“He loves soccer and dinosaurs. And coloring.” She sniffed. “And fighting.” The front door opened again, and Lane poked his head out. Lex swung to look at him, gobbling him up now that he knew he was his.
“Mommy, I have to go potty.”
Lila smiled down at him, wiping tears away from her face. “Honey, you know how to go potty.” Her voice came out bright and forced. “You do it all the time like a big boy.”
Lane pouted, looking between her and Lex. He swallowed hard, wanting to hug the kid, pull him into his arms, feel his little heart beating against his chest. He cleared his throat, shoving his hands into his pockets.
“But I need you to help,” he said, his little voice sounding pitiful. Lex stared at him in wonder—this kid was the most gorgeous creature he’d ever laid eyes on. Something about him had felt so familiar. Now it made total sense.
“I’ll come help you, baby,” Lila said, urging him inside. “You go get started, and I’ll be there in just a minute. Okay?”
Lane nodded and darted back inside. Lila turned to him, more distressed than he’d ever seen her.
“Lex, please don’t hate me,” she said, voice shaky and low. “I wasn’t lying to you for five years. I was protecting him. You were in no place to be a father. When I left you…”
Anger sparked again. How could you hide him from me? After all we’ve shared? “I’m too angry. I can’t talk to you right now.”
She reached for him, but he stepped away.
“I’ll get ahold of you.” He avoided her gaze, squeezing his fists before turning to leave. “When I’m ready.”
He jogged down the hallway, pushing through the door to take the stairs, pounding as loud as he could through the stairwell. The question circled through him like a hurricane. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?
Legs like gelatin, he moved toward his car on auto pilot. He stopped at the driver’s side door, pressing his palms to the matte black finish, letting the enormity of the revelation come to rest on his chest.
Lila had betrayed him. Five years of this secret. And a month looking him in the eye without saying a damn thing.
Lex pinched his eyes shut and let a sob hiccup through his body.
Chapter 20
Lex didn’t pick up his phone the ten times she called the night he found out. Didn’t pick up the ten times she called the next day, either. Not that she expected him to. Lila blew her nose and tossed the tissue into the pile beside her on the couch. Lane looked away from the movie he watched, eyes on the tissues.
“Mommy’s getting sick,” she lied, reaching for another tissue. “Just watch your movie, baby.”
Thank God she didn’t have to work today, because in the wake of Lex’s discovery, life was cancelled until further notice. She needed a hundred pounds of chocolate. Or a gallon of wine. Maybe a morphine drip. Anything to distract herself from the shittiness of herself. To wipe away that tender grief that spread across Lex’s face, the type of naked emotion she saw flash across their son’s face when he was confused or unexpectedly hurt.
She was shit. Pure shit. She blew her nose again, feeling another wave of tears come up.
It was only two p.m., but it felt like she’d whiled away a year waiting for some word from Lex. How many times could she say sorry until it counted?
She’d sent him at least a million texts. I’m shit. I’m so sorry. I don’t even have words to describe how fucking awful I am. I don’t deserve you.
“Mommy, can we go to the park?”
She blinked at her son, trying to pull herself out of the pity wormhole she’d been traveling through. Going outside seemed a monumental effort. “Maybe later, honey.”
“But I wanna go now.”
She turned to look out the window. Bright sunlight. Gently moving palm trees. A beautiful day by all accounts. The thought made her skin crawl.
“Let’s have our snack first,” she said, fully intending to distract him with something else. The thought made her feel even worse. What sort of mom was she? Goading her son into staying indoors, just because she was an emotional vampire who couldn’t stand the thought of leaving her dark, unfeeling cavern.
Lane bopped around the living room and kitchen while Lila moved glacially to get off the couch. Lane asked three times if they were going to have the snack in the time
it took her to get to the kitchen.
“We’re getting there,” she promised. Tears clouded her eyes as she groped blindly to find the box of granola bars on the top shelf of the cabinet. Hell if she could function long enough to find a snack. This was hopeless. The whole day was hopeless.
“Mommyyyy.”
She’d taken too long. Her fingers finally brushed the cardboard, and she snatched it up. Hands trembling, she removed a granola bar and tore it open. Lane took it greedily and hopped away, humming one of his favorite songs from a cartoon about amoebas.
Her legs hurt from standing. Too much exertion. If she was going to leave the house, she’d only make it to the park around the corner. It wasn’t their favorite because of the scant number of swings, but it would have to do.
Lila fumbled for her phone as she slumped back onto the couch. She called Amara, pressing at the tops of her cheeks to open her sinuses through the fog of tears.
“Hey, girl.” Amara sounded chipper. Too chipper.
“Can you meet me at the park by my house?” She sniffed hard. “Lane and I are going to head there in a little bit. I really need to talk to you.”
“You sound like you’ve been crying. Is everything okay?”
“I have been. And no.” She fought another wave of hopelessness. “Just meet us if you can. I’ll explain there.”
Lila prepared for the outing in slow motion while Lane circled her like a vulture on fast forward. It took a half hour to assemble leggings, a loose top, and enormous shades that would hide her puffy eyes and cheeks. She prepared a quick bag with snacks, wipes, and a first aid kit, and then they were on their way.
The park sat only a block away, but the walk was eternal. She clung to Lane’s hand as he jumped and bobbed beside her, dodging the cracks in the sidewalk. The sun beat down on them, reiterating the light that was no longer part of her life.
She squeezed Lane’s hand. That might be the only connection she had to Lex for the rest of her days. And could she live without Lex again?
Lila parked herself on a paint chipped bench while Lane zipped between playground implements. Amara showed up soon after their arrival. Her long, dark hair whipped in the sporadic wind as she approached.
