by Susan Lewis
Sarah looked surprised. ‘Really?’
Philippa was still smiling kindly. ‘It was a very long time ago,’ she said, glancing down the street as someone began honking to get by. ‘Oh dear, I’d better not hold you up any more. Perhaps you’ll both come for a drink at the Lodge one evening next week?’
Lucy looked at Sarah, who seemed all for it. ‘We’d love to,’ Lucy told her. ‘Any day that suits you will be fine for us, just let us know,’ and slotting the car back into gear she drove on up the hill.
‘Goodness, such a social whirl we’re entering into,’ Sarah commented wryly. ‘Next thing we know we’ll be reading about ourselves in the gossip columns,’ and as Lucy laughed Sarah felt a heady warmth running all the way through her. How lonely she’d been until Lucy had come to Cromstone, and how wonderful it was to feel moments of happiness again.
John Mckenzie was tidying up a rose bush in the back garden when his sister brought a jug of lemonade and two glasses out of the kitchen. She set them down on the mosaic-topped table sheltered by a clematis- and jasmine-covered pergola. The scent of the flowers was sweetening the air, and the sound of birdsong made a soothing, nostalgic accompaniment to the gentle grating of crickets.
‘Aah, just what I’m in need of,’ he sighed as he came to join her. And, after downing half a glass in one go, ‘So how was your walk?’
‘Very pleasant, thank you,’ she replied. ‘I didn’t go far, just up to the top of the village and back. I see you’ve given up on the Wii.’
Chuckling, he drained his glass, then picked up the jug to refill it. ‘According to Hanna, my new personal trainer,’ he said, ‘I was in danger of overdoing it.’
Philippa gave a splutter of laughter. ‘You haven’t really called your Mii Hanna, have you?’ she protested, still wildly tickled by all this modern technology.
He was all innocence. ‘She insisted, so what was I to do? Anyway, her grandmother thought it was a smashing idea.’
Philippa rolled her eyes. ‘She’s a lovely young girl,’ she commented. ‘I know if she were my granddaughter I’d be very proud of her.’
The light seemed to fade from John’s eyes as he looked at her. ‘You should have grandchildren,’ he told her. ‘What you’ve been through for me …’
‘Oh, don’t let’s start all that nonsense again,’ she interrupted bossily. ‘If I had my time over I wouldn’t do anything differently.’
‘But I would, and then you’d have had the life you deserve. A husband, children …’
‘Och, listen to you,’ she chided. ‘I might not have had any of that anyway. Remember I’m older than you and I wasn’t married by the time it all happened, so who’s to say how things might have turned out. Anyway, that’s beside the point now. We can’t turn back the clocks, or undo old wrongs, all we can do is be grateful for the success we’ve enjoyed …’
‘I know all that,’ he cut in gruffly, ‘but with what’s happening to you, Pippa … Knowing that you …’
‘John, please let’s not keep going over this. Now, I have something to tell you. I was just introduced to Sarah Bancroft.’
Though John’s eyes didn’t move from hers, they seemed to lose focus as this new information took his thoughts elsewhere.
‘I told her,’ Philippa went on, ‘that we used to know Rose.’
At that his eyes sharpened again. ‘Do you think that was wise?’ he asked.
‘I’m not sure.’
He shook his head. ‘Is she like her mother?’ he asked quietly.
‘No, not very. Listen, John, I might be in remission, but we both know the cancer could come back at any time, and I don’t want to leave this earth before I’m sure that at least some of the injustices you’ve suffered have been put right.’
For a moment he only looked at her, then, understanding that he really did owe her that, he reached for her hand and pulled her into a tender embrace. ‘Whatever you say,’ he whispered gently. ‘I just don’t want anyone to be hurt.’
Chapter Ten
‘I DON’T KNOW what’s got into you,’ Joe complained angrily. ‘You’ve spent all afternoon in the office, like you’re trying to get away from me, then you spend the whole time talking to Sarah over dinner so no one else can get a word in. And now you don’t want me to touch you. I’m beginning to wonder if Hanna’s right and you are turning gay.’
Swinging her legs off the bed, Lucy went to the window to let in some air. The night was hot and still, and she could feel his eyes on her back as she stood gazing into the darkness. The distant sound of electro beats was throbbing out of a party down in the valley. She hoped to God Hanna wasn’t getting drunk, or drugged up, or engaging in underage sex. Recalling how Joe had given her permission to stay out till two, when Lucy had specifically said she should be back by midnight, fired her anger again, but there was no point continuing to argue about it now. Hanna was there, fortunately with Juliette, whom Lucy trusted far more than any of the crowd back in London, and with any luck, under Juliette’s influence, she wouldn’t be led astray by this Lucas chap. Or by the likes of Marietta Babbage, whose party it was, and who was reputed to be as free with her favours as her hairdresser mother.
Inhaling the pungent scents of surrounding farmland and dying barbecues, she tried to collect her scattered thoughts, but every time she managed to focus on her family, or the business, or anything at all, it was like trying to hold on to air. There was only one direction her mind wanted to take, and the harder she tried to stop it, the more it kept going there.
‘So what’s the deal?’ Joe demanded from the bed.
‘There is no deal, as you put it,’ she responded.
‘I can tell you’re pissed with me, so come on, out with it, what have I done wrong apart from let Hanna stay out till two?’
Stifling a sigh, along with a surge of guilt, she made herself turn around to look at him. He was lying naked on the bed, his lithe, toned body swathed in moonlight and still semi-aroused, in spite of the way she’d just rejected him. But what was she to do, let him make love to her when it was the last thing she wanted? OK, she’d done it plenty of times before, but never while thinking about another man. Not that she wanted Michael Givens to be in Joe’s place, far from it, but she couldn’t get away from the fact that Michael had made an impression on her today that was lingering and pleasing in a way that wasn’t easy to let go. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong,’ she told him, trying to infuse some fondness into her tone as she hiked the thin strap of her nightie back into place. ‘It’s just hot, and I’m tired, and …’ Did she dare to say it? Was their trial separation really a subject she wanted to get into at one thirty in the morning?
‘I’m getting the impression you wish I hadn’t come,’ he said gruffly.
‘That’s not true,’ she lied, ‘but maybe … Well, maybe we should be in different beds.’
His shock was almost palpable. ‘Are you out of your mind?’ he cried. ‘Why the hell would we do that when we’ve always slept together? And this separation, as you like to call it, is only temporary, remember, until we sort out how to have two homes and make it work.’
The fact that they didn’t have two homes, and only would when she was making enough to pay the rent on somewhere in London for him, wasn’t something she needed to point out now. It would only emasculate him further, and she could tell he was already struggling with the way she was making him feel.
His voice was roughened by unease as he said, ‘It is temporary, isn’t it? I mean, if you’re trying to tell me …’
‘I’m not trying to tell you anything,’ she interrupted. ‘I’m just trying to work out how we go forward from here.’
Getting up from the bed he came towards her, but as he made to put his arms around her, she felt herself taking a step back.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t,’ she whispered, and seeing the hurt that came into his eyes, she wanted to drop her head in her hands and howl with despair. What was the matter with her? If she was hating herself
so much for rejecting him, why didn’t she just stop?
‘I’m going downstairs to get a drink,’ she said hoarsely.
He turned with her, watching her as she went past him. When she reached the door he said, ‘I’ll leave in the morning, if that’s what you want.’
Wondering if she’d ever felt more wretched, she turned around. ‘No,’ she said, ‘it’s not what I want.’
‘Then tell me what I have to do.’
‘You don’t have to do anything.’
‘Look, I know you deserve more than I can give you right now, but it’ll change, you know that, don’t you?’
She nodded, even though she knew very well that it wouldn’t.
‘OK, I didn’t get this part, but it wasn’t really me anyway. This new agent, she’s good, but she hasn’t quite got what I’m about yet. The point is, she’s had some fantastic results for actors my age, and she’s got me a meeting with Robert Gates, the director, for a week on Tuesday. Apparently he’s really keen to meet me.’
‘That’s great,’ she said dutifully.
His eyes were showing his confusion, possibly even a hint of desperation. ‘What is it, Luce?’ he said. ‘Tell me. Did I do something wrong with Sarah tonight? I didn’t let you down, did I?’
Feeling awful that he was thinking that, she said, ‘From where I was sitting you seemed to make a very good impression.’
He seemed pleased, and managed a smile. ‘She’s not as stuck-up as I was expecting,’ he said. ‘She’s pretty cool, actually.’
‘Yes, she is.’
He nodded, and pushed a hand through his hair. Then, moving back to dangerous ground, he said, ‘So, what do we do now? Would you rather I went to sleep in another room?’
Taking a breath, as though to suppress the yes, she said, ‘No.’
‘Do you mean that? Or are you just worried about what your parents will think?’
‘I mean it.’
He still seemed uncertain. ‘You’re always so protective of them,’ he said. ‘I guess that goes both ways, because they’re the same with you.’
‘They’re talking about going to Exmoor as soon as next weekend,’ she told him. ‘Dad’s worried about Mum and I have to admit, she does seem quite tired and edgy.’
‘Can you cope if they go that soon?’
‘I can try.’
‘What if I come to help?’
‘No, you don’t have to do that.’ The response was too quick. ‘I know how much it means to you to be in London, and Charlie depends on you to help with the markets, so does Vince with his taxi.’ She tried to smile. ‘And the last thing we want is you missing out on the big chance by being this far away.’
He only looked at her, but she could read his mind as clearly as if he’d spoken the words that shamed her for such artifice. But how could she tell him what was really in her mind regarding the business, when it would only end up making him feel more excluded than ever?
‘Sarah, hello darling. Are you awake?’
Struggling to sit up in bed, Sarah said, ‘I am now. What time is it?’
‘Ten thirty my end,’ her mother replied, ‘which makes it nine thirty with you.’
‘No! How did I manage to sleep so late? I must have had more to drink than I realised last night.’
‘Really? Where were you?’
‘At Lucy’s.’
‘I see. It sounds as though you two are becoming good friends.’
Sarah smiled. ‘Yes, I think we are,’ she agreed. ‘You know how it is when you just gel with someone? That’s kind of what’s happening with us, I think. We’re on the same wavelength, as you would say.’
‘Is that what I’d say? Seems you know me better than I know myself. Anyway, I picked up your message when Sheila and I got home last night. How lovely that you’ve seen Michael again. How is he?’
Flipping back the sheet, Sarah said, ‘As gorgeous as ever, and apparently doing very well because he has two bases now, one in Chipping and the other in Stroud. He asked all about you, and to tell you the truth, I think he might still have a bit of a crush.’
Rose’s voice was light with humour as she said, ‘I feel very sorry for him if he has. Did he talk about Carlotta at all? How are the boys?’
‘On great form apparently, and growing up too fast.’
‘So he still sees them? I’m very pleased to hear that.’
Sarah frowned in confusion. ‘What do you mean? Of course he sees them, they’re his children.’
‘I just thought that now he and Carlotta aren’t together any more, and knowing how temperamental she is …’
‘Are you serious? He didn’t say anything about that. How come you know and I don’t?’
‘I’ve no idea. Simon told me about a year ago, but I suppose it wasn’t a good time for him to be telling you about marriages breaking up.’
Sarah’s mind had started to spin. ‘You know, I’m not sure whether I’m sorry to hear it or not,’ she said. ‘It must be awful for the boys, obviously, but that ghastly woman …’
‘Ssh,’ Rose cautioned, ‘we’re not supposed to say those things.’
‘No one can hear, and don’t pretend you liked her.’
‘Oh no, she was dreadful. Of course, Dad and Simon were besotted with her …’
‘Because she oozed sex appeal like a great big fat cake oozes cheap cream. So why did they break up, do you know?’
‘Apparently she was having an affair that he found out about. Does that surprise you?’
Sarah’s distaste made her lip curl. ‘Sadly, not a bit. I was never convinced she realised how lucky she was to have someone like him. It was all show with her, and what he needs is someone who can see past his looks and fortune to the fantastic person he really is.’
‘You mean someone like you?’
Sarah’s heart skipped a beat. ‘No, I don’t mean someone like me,’ she retorted truthfully. ‘I don’t think of him that way.’
‘But maybe you could.’
‘Don’t do this, Mum. I’m really not interested in getting involved with anyone.’
‘Then you should be. You’re still young, Sarah. You’ve …’
‘You’re doing a Becky on me now, and I think of Michael the same way she does. He’s more like a brother.’
‘But he’s not your brother, and you can’t let Kelvin go on having this sort of control over you.’
Sarah bristled as her heart turned over. ‘How can you say that, when I never even speak to him?’
‘You’re where you are because you can’t face seeing him.’
‘I’m here because it’s where I want to be. It no longer has anything to do with him.’
Rose gave a gentle sigh. ‘You’re selling things from the house to try and make ends meet, how long do you think that can continue?’
‘Actually, I’m selling them to raise funds to fix the place up,’ Sarah reminded her. ‘I still have savings to cover my living expenses and anyway, I’m thinking about getting a job.’
‘With Lucy?’
‘Yes, with Lucy,’ Sarah replied, realising her mother had been talking to Becky. ‘I haven’t spoken to her about it yet, but they always take on extra people for the auctions and I’m sure if I ask she’ll put me on the list.’
When there was only silence at the other end, Sarah didn’t know whether she wanted to scream or cry, because of course, her mother knew that a part-time job in an auction room wouldn’t even come close to restoring her to the kind of position and salary she’d enjoyed before. But she didn’t want to go back, and this way forward, simple as it might be, was at least a start.
‘I’m afraid you’re wasting away in that house,’ Rose said softly. ‘It was a happy place for us once, but maybe our time there has come to an end.’
‘No!’ Sarah cried in a panic. ‘Even if you don’t want it any more, this is our home, mine, Simon’s and Becky’s, and none of us want to sell. We’d rather do the repairs and keep it for when one of us has children. It�
��ll be wonderful for them to spend time here …’ Her voice was breaking along with her heart as she thought of Jack, and how much he’d loved coming to stay. He’d even taken his first baby steps out on the terrace, straight into the arms of her father.
‘I’m not going to try and force you to do anything you don’t want to,’ Rose told her gently. ‘I just want you to be happy again.’
‘I’m fine,’ Sarah insisted, but she wasn’t, because the longing for Jack was all over her again, pulling at her heart, her mind, her limbs, her very soul. It was like this every morning when the first thoughts of him came to her, and these reminders of him now were making it worse.
‘Oh darling,’ Rose murmured as Sarah started to sob. ‘I’m sorry I’ve upset you.’
Sarah’s hand was pressed to her head as she tried to force the pain back. ‘It’s not your fault,’ she finally managed, ‘and now I’m upsetting you. This is what life does to us. Tears us apart, and makes us hurt one another, as though we’re just puppets in its monstrous game.’
There was more tenderness in Rose’s voice than Sarah could bear as she said, ‘I know we can’t change what it’s done, but we have to keep hoping that one day life will smile on us again, and I’m sure it will for you, my darling. I really am.’
Unable to believe it, Sarah said, ‘And what about you?’
‘To see you happy will be enough for me,’ her mother assured her. ‘Now, tell me what you’re doing today. Are you seeing Lucy again?’
‘I’m not sure. Her husband’s here, but there was talk last night of transporting my sale goods over to the barn. He was offering to help, but I don’t want to push myself on them, especially on a Sunday.’
‘Do you have any plans to see Michael again?’
‘Sort of. We’re going to get together when Simon’s here. Actually, I’m thinking about throwing a little party when he comes.’
Sounding pleased, Rose said, ‘A very good idea. Now, Sheila and I are due to meet some friends in the village for a coffee, and then we’re off to a brocante in Salon. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, OK?’
