Katie lifted her head. “Do you know I hate when people say that? Snake said the same thing and I thought, ”You don’t know that.“”
“We’re just trying to be helpful.”
“I know that,” Katie said quickly. Paul got the sense she was afraid he’d think she was being critical. “It’s just such a platitude.”
“There you go throwing around those big SAT words again.” He squinted hard. “I thought a platitude was some type of marine animal.”
“Very funny. I know you’re an ass, but you’re not an idiot.”
“God, I love when you say nice things to me.”
He watched her expression slowly change as it dawned on her that he was holding her in his arms, the two of them playfully teasing one another just like old times. She looked embarrassed. “I’ve bothered you long enough,” said Katie, standing up.
“You weren’t bothering me at all.”
“I should have stopped by the ATM,” she continued, more to herself than to him. “I’ll bring down five hundred dollars for you tomorrow. Is that okay?”
“You do not need to replace the money your sister stole.”
“It’s the right thing to do,” Katie insisted.
“Let it go, Katie. It’s not your responsibility.”
Katie shrugged and edged toward the door. “I should get going.”
“Are you okay to drive?”
“I’m fine,” she assured him. “Honestly.”
“If you need any help with Tuck, just let me know.”
Katie swallowed. “Thank you.”
“It’s not a problem.” Paul moved to open the door, if only to give himself something to do. He longed to take her back into her arms and hold her until she believed that everything was going to be all right. He hated seeing her in pain. If there was anything positive in this situation at all, it was that Tuck was back under his grandmother’s roof. That, and the knowledge of how strong Katie was. She’d bounce back from this. They all would.
“I’ll talk to you soon,” Katie murmured. She walked through the door then stopped abruptly, turning around.
“Paul?”
“Mmm?”
“You—you really are a great guy,” she said haltingly. But before he could reply, she was already walking away.
* * *
CHAPTER 25
How many times would Mina screw up before the family stopped picking up the pieces for her? But isn’t that what families are supposed to do—be there for one another? Katie wondered. When did compassion and concern cross the line from helping to enabling? Katie’s mother was beside herself with fear and worry. She refused to accept Mina had relapsed, claiming her younger daughter had “been lured into temptation by that caveman on a motor scooter.” It was Katie alone who dealt with the doctors and social worker. She made it clear that Child Protective Services did not need to place Tuck in foster care, since he had a home with his grandmother. She stressed it repeatedly, worried it wouldn’t sink in. The social worker looked annoyed, but Katie didn’t care. She’d heard too many stories of kids being shunted off to strangers when in fact there were family members willing and able to take care of them. Tuck was not going to be a casualty of the system.
Mina had OD’ed on a combo of alcohol and painkillers. She’d had her stomach pumped and had come frighteningly close to dying. When the doctor asked Katie whether she thought the overdose could have been a suicide attempt, it felt as though the floor was giving way. Such a notion never occurred to her. She herself had dealt with depression and despair, but she had never, never contemplated suicide. That Mina might have deliberately harmed herself…
Katie visited the hospital, and found Mina in her room, in the bed closest to the window, an IV spiked in the vein of her wiry right arm. She looked pale and weak, her dark hair matted with sweat as she lay propped up against a wall of pillows, drowsing in and out of sleep. Hearing Katie enter, Mina’s eyes fluttered open. But when she saw who it was, she turned her head away.
“Hey,” Katie said gently. She pulled the one chair in the room close to Mina’s bedside. “How are you feeling?”
“Better.” Mina’s face remained averted. “You must hate me.”
“I don’t hate you. I just want to understand what happened.”
“I fucked up,” said Mina bitterly.
“Were you trying to kill yourself?”
Mina slowly turned her head back to Katie. “Wo. How could you even think that?”
“The doctors asked me. I didn’t know what to say.”
Mina sighed. “Yeah, they asked me, too. I told them that if I’d wanted to check out I would have blown my brains out. Something quick, you know? None of this namby-pamby trying to slip into a coma bullshit.”
Katie blinked. Did her sister think she was being witty? “You could have died, Mina. They told you that, right?”
Mina mumbled something unintelligible.
“Don’t you give a damn?” Katie asked, voice rising.
“Of course I do. But I didn’t, so let’s not talk about it anymore, okay?”
Katie shook her head vehemently. “Oh, no, we’re talking about this, whether you like it or not. You owe me an explanation. Me and everyone else—especially Tuck.”
Mina seemed to shrink against the pillows. “I told you: I fucked up.”
“How long have you been fucking up?”
Mina’s legs fidgeted beneath the flimsy white hospital blanket. “I’ve been drinking since I got out of rehab,” she quietly informed the ceiling.
“Why?”
Mina looked at her like she was an idiot. “Because I’m an addict, Katie. That’s what we do.”
“But why, when you’d just gone through rehab? I thought you were trying to build a new life for you and Tuck?”
“Because I’m weak,” she whispered. “I just wanted the pain to end.”
“What pain?”
“The pain of everything: messing things up with Tuck, messing up my whole fucking life—even Dad’s death. You know, I once had a counselor tell me that the reason I was so promiscuous, especially with older men, was because I was looking for the male attention that disappeared when Dad died.”
“Tuck found you passed out. Did you know that?”
“Snake told me.” Mina’s eyes shone with remorse. “I never meant for that to happen.”
“Obviously.”
Mina’s gaze drifted out the window. Katie knew it wasn’t the scenery drawing her attention, since the room looked out on an intricate series of heating ducts. She couldn’t look at Katie. “Tuck hates me, doesn’t he?”
“Right now, yes.”
“I don’t blame him,” Mina said forlornly. “I hate myself.”
Katie was glad her sister couldn’t see the look of disgust on her face. She’d heard it all before: I’m weak, I fucked up, I hate myself—the addict’s litany of self-loathing and recrimination, designed to illicit sympathy from the listener. The problem was, it usually worked. But not this time. If it took every ounce of strength Katie had, she was determined to harden her heart against her sister for her sister’s own sake.
“You need a new spiel, Mina,” Katie said. “This one’s getting old.”
“Fuck you.”
Katie’s chair scraped against the floor as she stood up. “I’m going to go.”
“Don’t!” Mina begged, whipping her head around to look at Katie. “I didn’t mean to be a bitch! Honest. Please stay, Katie. Please.”
Katie sat back down. “Why did you take Paul’s wallet?”
“I was angry he fired me,” Mina admitted sheepishly. “I wanted to punish him.”
“He could press charges. You realize that, right?”
Mina looked queasy.
“But he’s not going to. Because he’s a nice guy.”
“I guess if I ever see him again, I should apologize.”
“That might be nice. You can apologize to me, too, while you’re at it. Paul came to me and told me yo
u took his wallet. Know what I did? I defended you. I told him he was accusing you because of your past and that you would never do that.”
Mina’s eyes began filling with tears. “I’m so sorry, Katie. Really.”
“I have to tell you, Mina: I love you, but right now I don’t like you.”
“I need help, Katie.”
Katie snorted. “Ya think?”
“No, listen to me,” Mina snuffled. “I need help with Tuck.”
“Go on,” Katie said guardedly.
Mina pushed herself up so she was sitting fully. “I was talking to Snake this morning, and he was telling me about the rehab facility he went to, up in Massachusetts. It’s a yearlong, residential program.” She grabbed a handful of blanket, nervously bunching it up in her hand. “Snake said he’d help me pay for it.”
“That’s great.”
“I was wondering: Would you be willing to take Tuck for the year?” Mina began talking quickly. “He adores you, Katie, and he’s really upset you’re going back to Vermont. I know Mom can put a roof over his head and all that, but she doesn’t relate to him the way you do. Please?”
This was not what Katie had expected to hear.
“Katie?” Mina said hopefully. “Please?”
Katie was stunned. “I’ll need to think about this.”
“Of course.” Mina grabbed a tissue from the nightstand and blew her nose. “I would feel so much better knowing he’s with you, Katie. Seriously.”
Katie barely heard as her mind went into overdrive. What would she have to do legally? Assume custody? Or could she just take Tuck with her? She’d have to arrange to have his school records sent. That was no big deal. Which bedroom would she give him? What about hockey? Were there youth hockey teams in Vermont? There had to be. Her academic schedule was pretty flexible. That was good. What—
“Katie?”
“I’m sorry. I was just thinking.”
Mina looked. apologetic. “It’s a lot to think about, I know.”
Reality decided to make a cameo appearance. “What if he doesn’t want to come with me, Mina? He’s got friends here. He’s very involved in hockey.”
Mina looked disappointed. “Then I guess he’ll stay with Mom.”
“Have you talked to Mom about this?”
Mina nodded shyly. “She said it would be Tuck’s decision. That of course he could live with her again if that’s what he chose. She loves him”—Mina began choking up— “and she would love to have him.” She covered her face with her hands. “I’m so ashamed, Katie, I ruin everyone’s lives—”
“Stop it,” Katie commanded. “If you’re that ashamed, do something about it.” She rose, leaning over to kiss her sister on the forehead. “Let me think about all this and get back to you, okay?”
“Where are you going?” Mina called after her as Katie started out of the room.
“Where do you think?” Katie replied. “To talk to Tuck.”
Old habits die hard, or at the very least, are likely to resurface in times of stress. Leaving the hospital, Katie proceeded directly to Tabitha’s, where she ordered a slice of pound cake and a cup of coffee into which she poured three heaping teaspoons of sugar. Her emotions were so jumbled . she didn’t even care. What was an extra pound on the scale compared with the ramifications of bringing Tuck back to Fallowfield with her?
Her mother was waiting for her at home. The two of them sat at the kitchen table talking about Mina, Tuck, and money. Katie’s mom had agreed to contribute toward Mina’s recovery program, believing her youngest daughter deserved another chance. Deep down, beneath the layers of anger and pain, so did Katie. She didn’t want to believe her sister was a hopeless case. Both agreed the decision of who to live with should be Tuck’s. There were pros and cons to his living in either place. Katie was grateful she felt no pressure from her mother. Through it all, Tuck remained upstairs on his computer.
Katie felt an awful sense of deja vu as she climbed the steps to talk to him. How many times had she done the same thing, always with the same purpose: to discuss something serious. She knocked loudly so Tuck would hear her over the electronic din of exploding automobiles and gunfire.
“Yeah?” he called.
“It’s Aunt Katie. Can I come in?”
“Yeah.”
She was shocked by the bedroom’s starkness. No books, no posters, no sports equipment. Most of Tuck’s belongings were still at Snake’s.
“What’s up?” Katie asked.
Tuck shrugged.
“Look, I need to talk to you.”
Wariness crept into Tuck’s eyes.
“Your mom is going back into rehab.”
“So?”
“This time it’s a yearlong program.”
“Big deal. I guess I’ll be back here.”
“If you want.” Katie watched him carefully. “Or, you could come live with me.”
Tuck affected nonchalance, his eyes remaining fixed on the computer. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. But you need to think about it. It would mean leaving your friends behind, and starting at a new school, and finding a new hockey team to play on.”
Tuck’s nonchalance evaporated. “I don’t care!”
“Tuck, I really want you to think about this. It’s a very big decision.”
“You don’t want me to come,” Tuck accused.
“Honey, I do,” Katie said tenderly, reaching out to smooth his hair, surprised when he let her. “I just don’t want you to jump into a decision and then later regret it.”
“I won’t.”
“Take a day to think it over. If you still feel the same way tomorrow, we’ll start making arrangements to move you to Vermont with me. Okay?”
“Okay.”
She patted his shoulder. “Go back to your mayhem.”
Katie knew Tuck. Impatient as his mother, there was no way he’d wait a full twenty-four hours before making his decision. When he left the house later that afternoon, Katie knew he was walking around town, trying to imagine what it would be like not to be there. He said nothing of his foray during dinner, but later that night, when Katie was up in her room revising the final chapters of her book, he appeared in her doorway.
“Aunt Katie?”
“Mmm?”
“Can I ask you some questions?”
“Of course.” She was glad of the break. Her eyes were starting to cross from all that reading and writing and rereading and rewriting.
“If I move to Vermont with you, can Gary come visit?”
“Of course.”
“And we’ll come back here and visit sometimes?”
“Don’t I come back here to visit you and Nana?”
“Can we visit Coach van Dorn when we’re here?”
Katie hesitated. “Of course.” She hadn’t thought of that, but if it was important to Tuck, she’d do it.
“Could I see Snake sometimes?”
Who would ever have thought Tuck would grow fond of Snake? “Of course, honey. You can see anyone you want.”
“But I don’t have to see Mom, right?”
“Not if you don’t want to, no. But if you change your mind, then we’ll figure it out.”
Tuck nodded, mulling it all over. How small and serious he looked standing there, a little boy with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He looked at her shyly. “I want to live with you.”
A lump began forming in Katie’s throat. “You’re sure?”
Tuck nodded.
“I’m glad,” Katie told him, trying not to cry. “I think it will be great.”
“Me, too.” The serious look in Tuck’s eyes was gone, replaced by an expression of sheer relief, even happiness. It was a look Katie had seen on his face all too rarely. The emotion of the moment seemed too much for Tuck as he backed out of the doorway. “I love you, Aunt Katie,” he mumbled.
Katie let her tears fall. “I love you, too, honey,” she whispered fiercely.
The rest of the spring and summer passed in a
blur. Soon it was time for Katie and Tuck to return to Fallowfield so she could get him enrolled in school and prepare herself for re-immersion into academia. She was excited, not only about returning to her own home and the classroom, but about creating a life for herself and Tuck. She knew it would be hard at first, but Katie never shied from a challenge—except one. She was touched when Paul called to ask her and Tuck to come down to the Penalty Box for lunch so he could say good-bye. As he’d promised, he’d kept in touch with Tuck once the school year ended, taking him out for the occa-sionai ice cream or movie. Of all the people Tuck was leaving behind, Katie knew it was Paul he’d miss most.
“What do you think you’ll have?” Katie asked Tuck as she locked up her car and they began walking toward Paul’s bar. “The curly fries are awesome.”
“Maybe a cheeseburger.”
“Those are good, too.”
She held open the Penalty Box door to allow Tuck inside first. The place was dark. Had she jotted down the wrong date?
“SURPRISE!” a chorus of voices rang out as the lights flicked on.
There stood Paul, her mother, Gary, Snake, Frank and Bitsy, and Denise beneath a banner that read good luck, katie and tuck! we’ll miss you! Tuck looked up at Katie, awestruck. “Awesome!” he exclaimed, running over to join Gary. The two immediately took off to play table hockey. Astonished, Katie approached her family and friends.
“You had no idea, did you?” her mother crowed.
“None at all,” Katie admitted. Her eyes traveled to Paul. “Was this your idea?”
Paul nodded. He tilted his head in Tuck’s direction. “I wanted to make it special for him.”
Katie shook her head in amazement. “You are something else.”
“About time you realized it,” he ribbed, his gaze holding hers. Katie forced her eyes away. He made her feel vulnerable and transparent, like he could read every thought in her head. She didn’t want him to know she was remembering the first time their eyes met at the reunion and she’d been swamped with uninvited desire. Nor did she want him to know the memory of him moving inside her was imprinted in every cell of her body, causing her to flush anew. Yet she couldn’t escape the feeling he did know. How else to explain the uncomfortable cough he gave to put end an end to the moment?
Deirdre Martin Page 29
