"No." I frowned, unsure of how to react to this interrogation.
"You don't have to tell me now, but one day you'll want to. My name is Lauren by the way. What's yours?"
"Harlow."
"Well, it's nice to meet you, Harlow. Let me show you the ropes," Lauren said, standing up and staring at me, waiting for me to join her.
After that day, we were inseparable. Lauren taught me how to have fun again, how to not live in the horrors of the past and embrace the day. She just understood me—and my past—without prying. She made me feel accepted.
I knew that Lauren had a difficult childhood too, although I was never privy to what happened to her. I just knew it from how she carried herself, as if she'd seen the horrors of the world and had learned worldly knowledge.
Seeing Cole again brought me back to that unpleasant time in my life, and worse still, it reminded me that Lauren was gone.
I knew that the only way I was going to get over it was to keep living and keep moving forward. The sting of Lauren's loss and the shock of seeing that particular demon from my past couldn't overrun all the good things I had going for me now.
Despite my pep talk, a part of me still wanted to call in sick for my shift at The Bean. If I did that, I knew that Lucas would have to go in, and he would tell Jenna and she would get all concerned about me, so I forced myself out of bed and into the shower. I tossed my long, nearly dried hair up into a sock bun on the top of my head. I applied enough makeup to cover up the fact that I hadn't slept well, and I threw on my jacket.
I could hear Jenna's soft snores coming from down the hall. Walking softly so that I wouldn't wake her and prompt her interrogation, I left our apartment. I locked up behind me, rolling my shoulders to try and work out the tension I was carrying.
Unease prickled my skin as I walked down the street to work. As far as I knew, they hadn't caught the guy that was loose on the streets harassing women. There was another attempt a couple nights ago, but the victim had gotten away.
I couldn't help but wonder if it was Cole doing it. It seemed like a major coincidence for him to show up in Ottawa when there was a rapist on the loose.
The sun was just beginning to rise, and most of its rays were hidden by the tall buildings that surrounded me. It was still dark in a lot of places. I walked on the edge of the sidewalk, keeping my eyes focused on my surroundings. I didn't see anyone around, but the feeling of unease was still there and strong. I nearly sighed with relief when I approached the shop door to The Bean.
We didn't open until nine on Sunday, so I had to knock against the glass of the door. I stared at the closed sign while I waited for Jamie to come around to let me in.
"Good morning, Sunshine!" Jamie exclaimed, a wide grin on his face.
"Morning," I grumbled, keeping my eyes down as I walked into the staff room to ditch my jacket and purse. I returned to the front to start setting up the coffee and espresso machines, Jamie's watchful eyes on my back.
He let me work in silence for half an hour before he approached me.
"Girl, you need to tell me what's up. You look, no offense, like utter crap." He leaned against the counter, crossing his arms and zeroing in on me with his miss nothing stare.
"We're going to be opening soon," I reminded him, trying to distract him away from targeting in on me.
"We have another half hour until open." Jamie waved away my concerns. "Mark is stocking up the front with delicious goodies that would undoubtedly go to my hips, and you've already prepped the machines. Spill."
"I had a bad night, okay?" I huffed, aggravated. At this particular moment, I almost missed my previous bosses, who didn't bother to invest themselves in employees’ lives. Upon thinking that, I felt guilty. Jamie was kind, loving, and he cared. I shouldn't hold that against him just because I was in a terrible mood. "I'm sorry." I sighed. "I got an unwanted blast from the past."
"An ex-boyfriend?" Jamie's eyebrows rose up to his hairline, eager for the gossip. I knew he wouldn't tell anyone, I knew that he just wanted to know because Jamie simply wanted to know everything and anything he could learn of other people.
"It's not like that." I shook my head. "Kind of but sort of, not really. It's more complicated and I don't want to get into it. I'll be okay, just that coupled with my inability to get a decent night of sleep has me on edge."
"I can see that. Girl, you need a magic remedy." Jamie paused in thought, tapping his chin with his index finger. "I have just the solution!" I didn't trust the way his eyes lit up.
"Oh yeah? What's that?"
"You need to get laid!" Jamie declared, nodding as if it was his mission to help me out.
I exhaled, my lips perking at the corners. Of course that would be his magic remedy.
I really didn't think that sex was the solution to this particular problem, but I also didn't want to confess why. As if having old wounds reopened in front of the new guy that I liked and flying off the handle wasn't bad enough, now I was missing my dead friend even more than usual. Those weren't exactly mood setters.
Still...Jax's company was more therapeutic on my soul than I cared to admit. "Yeah, maybe."
"Lucky for you, you have that delicious piece of eye candy." Jamie nodded, as if satisfied that the world would be all right.
"Yeah." I sighed, wanting to just end the conversation. I bit my lip, thinking about Jax again. It was impossible to forget how incredible he had made me feel, and I longed for it now, but I didn't want to use sex as a Band-Aid. I had gotten into that habit once before, and I hadn't actually solved any of my issues that way.
"You're holding back from him," Jamie said. "Why are you holding back?" His observation and the question that followed caught me completely off guard. I forgot how intuitive he was.
"I...I don't know." I frowned. I didn't want to spill all my secrets to my boss, but Jamie was relentless, and you just wanted to talk to him. He was just one of those people that you could open up to entirely and he wouldn't judge you, he would understand. "I guess I'm not completely over my ex. Maybe."
"The 'blast from the past'?"
"No, a different ex." I sighed, thinking of Iain.
"One way to get over someone is to throw yourself into someone else!" Mark chirped, startling me as he came around with a tray of fresh scones. He smiled lovingly at Jamie. "Isn't that right?"
Jamie rolled his eyes, smiling at his partner. "It is one way. Memories don't compete with what's in front of you. Especially if what's in front of you is sexy, incredible, and willing to be there."
* * *
Jamie's words were imprinted in my mind for the remainder of my shift and I served coffees and fetched scones until it ended at three. I said goodbye to everyone, then made my way home.
Jenna was hanging out in the living room when I walked in, painting her toenails a bright shade of red. She looked up as I closed the door.
"Hey," she said, smiling. "I ordered pizza for lunch, I was hungry," she added, looking guilty at the box on the island. I shrugged, walking over to grab a slice of cold pizza. I had skipped out on two meals, and my stomach was growling in protest.
"Good, I'm hungry," I said, taking a massive bite. Jenna shuffled over on the couch to make room for me, and I sat down beside her, inwardly sighing. I knew the look on her face. I knew that avoiding this conversation was impossible.
"About last night," Jenna started, carefully closing the lid on her nail polish. She turned to look at me, concern in her cornflower blue eyes. "Are you okay?" I could tell she was having a hard time finding the right words to ask the questions she had.
"Yeah, I'm fine, Jenna. Really, I am," I told her, meeting her eyes and imploring her to believe me. "It just was a shock, you know? And it brought back some memories that I've been repressing. And it kind of made me miss Lauren."
Jenna nodded, understanding the little I confided in her. After three years of friendship, Jenna was intuitive and able to understand me. I didn't have to give her lengthy explanations for e
verything on my mind; she was there for me even if I didn't say a word.
"I'm more embarrassed for how I acted. I was going to tell Jax about everything...maybe...when I was ready, but that's definitely not how I wanted to do it." I sighed, leaning back against the couch. "I'm worried he'll look at me with pity."
"I told Lucas about senior year," Jenna said, crossing her arms. "I told him everything...including the...what happened after."
"Really? Jenna, that's great." I was happy for my friend. I knew her secret was a burden on her as well, and that she secretly worried men would get weirded out by the fact that she gave birth to the baby. She hadn't told anybody who didn't already know about it.
"He was sympathetic, empathetic...but he didn't pity me. Do you know why?" Jenna asked, looking at me intently. "Because it wasn't my fault, and what happened wasn't your fault either."
"I know." I couldn't help but smile. It was the same speech I had given her countless times in our twelfth grade year. Jenna hesitated, as if she had something she wanted to say but wasn't sure if she should. "It's okay, spill it."
"Has Crimson texted you at all?" Jenna asked.
"I'm not sure," I admitted. "I haven't checked my phone today. I worked. I left it at home." The truth was, I was avoiding checking my phone. Jenna nodded, biting down on her lip. "What?"
"Just...go easy on her. You don't know her story. You can't blame her for something her boyfriend did. She probably didn't even know about it, and she definitely didn't hear half of what you said."
"I know..." I sighed. It wasn't fair to be angry with Crimson. But maybe if she had told me a little about her boyfriend before having us meet, I could have realized who he was and told her that there was no chance in hell I wanted to be around him. Then and again, how was she to know?
On Monday morning, I met Jax outside the lecture hall before Psychology. He had gotten us both a cup of coffee, and I smiled my thanks at him as I accepted it. My heart was pounding with nervousness. I wasn't exactly looking forward to seeing Crimson—or Brianna for that matter. The look on Brianna's face as I left the party pissed me off. She was thrilled by my pain, enjoying it. Probably hoping that my outburst put a stop to what was happening between me and Jax.
It hadn't, of course. True to Jax's word, this particular skeleton of mine didn't bother him in the way I thought it would. It pissed him off and likely made him want to add Cole and those other guys to his secret hit list, but it didn't change how he saw me. I could tell in the way he looked at me with unmasked desire as I approached. The ache in my chest lessened as he gently pulled me towards him to kiss me.
His tongue sent a familiar surge of desire welling up from the lower depths of my belly and I pulled away, biting down on my lip. My head was still all mixed up from Saturday. Part of me wanted to drag Jax to his truck and have my way with him again, but another part of me was terrified that what had happened would taint what we had between us.
Sex was always a complicated subject for me. My past muddled it up a lot, and as much as I liked to pretend I was impervious to the sexual assaults I had endured in my lifetime, I wasn't. It affected my ability to connect with the men I was with. Or it had, anyway. Iain was...different. I was his seducer. Looking back, it was clear that I was using sex to tie me to him, to something that I thought was good. I had risked it all for Iain, and I had suffered the consequences. So had he.
Sex with Jax felt like a natural progression of how things were supposed to be, but that was before my skeletons came out to play. Even if he said he wasn't bothered by it, I was still bothered that I hadn't gotten to tell Jax in my own time and my own way about my past.
It was hard to separate yourself from sexual assault victim to sexual being. With my skeletons safely locked up, I hadn't had to think about that at all.
I looked at the lecture hall door, knowing that Crimson was likely already sitting inside, saving us seats like she had every day for the past several weeks.
Jax caught a strand of my long hair as it danced in the late September wind. The action drew my eyes away from the doors and to him. He was smiling down at me, his gold-rimmed eyes melting like heated caramel chocolate as he gazed at me. "Morning, beautiful. How was work yesterday?"
"Interesting..." I trailed off, thinking about Jamie's words again. I shook my head to clear it. I couldn't believe how distracted I was. "How was your day?"
"Good, worked at the garage." Jax shrugged. I knew he moonlighted as a mechanic when he wasn't working at the gym teaching martial arts classes to kids.
I bit my lip, looking at the door again. I had put this off as long as I could, not responding to any of Crimson's text messages. I was going to, but I just didn't know what to say. "It's okay" didn't seem right, especially when I wasn't okay with a friend dating a guy who did such a horrific thing to me. Of course, I didn't know for sure if Crimson was still with him. For all I knew, they broke up that night after she found out his dirty little secret.
Somehow, I doubted that. Crimson hadn't spoken much about her boyfriend prior to us meeting him, but I knew she was stupidly in love with him by the way her face sort of glazed over when she did mention him.
Jax opened the door and I followed him inside. I allowed him to lead us to free seats that were thankfully nowhere near Crimson. I knew we would have to have a chat sooner rather than later, but I wanted to avoid it right before Professor Pedersen's lecture. It was going to be hard enough to focus as it was. I finally glanced around when I settled into my seat, scooping out Crimson's red hair on the other side of the room. She was sitting with Brianna and Alissa, trying to make eye contact with me.
I couldn't hear what they were saying, but Brianna was smirking while she spoke to Alissa; her eyes kept sweeping over to me. From the look on her face, I could tell that Brianna had nothing good to say about me.
I turned to face the front of the classroom, glowering.
Giving up on trying to focus on Professor Pedersen's lecture halfway through class, I sat and waited for the inevitable. As soon as Professor Pedersen dismissed us, Crimson was in front of me.
"I saved you seats," she said, her eyes wide with uncertainty and hurt.
I blinked at her, unsure of how to respond.
"Sorry, we didn't see." Jax's lie came easily, unless he hadn't actually seen her, which was possible. He was pretty focused on watching me.
"Oh, well." Crimson shuffled from foot to foot, staring at her toes. She looked up at me, meeting my eyes. "I'm sorry about the party, Harlow. I...I didn't know about that." She looked at the floor, unable to hold her gaze. Shame flickered across her features, paling her.
"It's not your fault," I told her, because it wasn't. I adjusted the strap of my messenger bag, clenching it to keep control of my emotions.
"After you left, I talked to Cole and he told me everything," Crimson's eyes welled with tears as she looked back up to meet my eyes again. "I'm so sorry."
"Again, not your fault," I said, my patience wearing thin. I had to force myself to not snap on her out of aggravation. If there was one thing I couldn't stand, it was someone else taking on my pain and pitying me. Jax squeezed my arm, providing silent comfort.
"Cole's changed since then, Harlow. I know he regrets what he did to you. I know him better than I know anyone and I know he's never forgiven himself and never will. You have to give him a second chance!" Crimson pleaded, her eyes wide and her hands reaching out to grab my free one.
I pulled my hand away from her grasp as if she was on fire.
"Excuse me?" I stepped back, glowering at her. "I don't have to do shit. I don't have to talk to him, I don't have to get to know him, and I certainly don't have to give him a second chance." I spoke loud enough that there was no way she wouldn't have heard me.
My body vibrated with anger. I couldn't believe the audacity Crimson had to stand there and basically tell me to forgive Cole. My stomach rolled with disgust.
"I just meant—" Crimson went as red as her name and hair, embarra
ssed.
"That's enough," Jax said, firmly but gently. He looked pointedly to the front of the room, where Professor Pedersen was observing the three of us. The lecture hall had all but cleared out.
I lurched out of Jax's grasp and stormed off, not bothering to see if he was following me.
Of course, he did. He was right behind me the moment I pushed open the doors to the lecture hall. The fresh cool air was a welcoming slap against my face. I was so angry and anxious that the lecture hall had felt like an oven to me.
"That went about as well as I thought it would," I grumbled, sparing him a quick look. I sighed at the concerned expression on his face. "I'm fine, Jax. I just...I don't need Crimson making me feel guilty for not wanting to hear his side. I'm sorry, but I just don't give a shit what he has to say."
Jax nodded, putting his hands in his pockets. "I understand," he said, and he did understand. I let out a sigh of relief, glad that I didn't have to argue my reasoning.
Throughout the rest of the day, I spent a lot of time reflecting upon my fleeting friendship with Crimson. As far as I was concerned, it was over. Friends—even new friends and potential friends—did not ask friends to forgive their rapist boyfriends. I wouldn't be able to get past that.
I was a little sad about it. Crimson was the first friend I had made in my two years at University. She was the first person I opened up to since befriending Jenna in twelfth grade. I wasn't counting Jax, because I was dating him; he was more than friend. Still, Jenna could no longer say that I didn't try to let people in, because I did.
It just often wasn't worth it.
I chewed on my lip, staring blankly at the front of the classroom as my Fundamentals of Oral Communication professor lectured important speech cues. I numbly took notes, barely absorbing any of the things he was saying. I couldn't focus on a damn thing, and I was beginning to panic about it.
I may not have let anyone in over the last two years, but I was focused and driven, always getting my assignments completed on time. After meeting Jax, I started losing my concentration more and more. Luckily, my marks weren't drastically affected by my lapse in concentration...but if I wasn't careful, they would be.
Collide Series Box Set Page 38
