I remembered that part. I remembered feeling sore and disoriented, and having Cole struggle to carry me back to my apartment. I remembered how he wouldn't look at me, how his arms shook. I didn't clue in on what happened until I woke up the next morning, covered in dry blood and vomit.
"Do you have any idea what it feels like to wake up bloody and violated?" I demanded, stepping towards his bed threateningly. "To believe the rumors you hear about yourself, because there's no other explanation? To have the entire school turn on you and say such horrible things to you?"
"No," Cole said, bowing his head. "I never forgave myself for any of it. It was my fault. My fault for putting you in that situation. It's like you said, I'm a monster. I could have told someone, I could have done something...and I didn't."
"You are weak," I agreed heatedly. Crimson was sobbing quietly beside him.
I looked away from them both, the tears pouring down my cheeks freely. It was somewhat of a relief to find out that it hadn't been the entire basketball team, but the memory of Casey's twisted face made me feel no better about it. My stomach churned with disgust. I turned around, intending to leave without saying another word.
"I'm sorry," Cole said again, his voice wavering.
I paused in the doorway of his room and looked back at him. "You're truly sorry, Cole? Truly sorry? I want you to come forward. I want you to turn them in. Casey, for what he did, and the rest of them for letting it happen."
I stumbled out of the hospital, my cheeks still wet with tears. I didn't even care that complete strangers were staring at me with pity. I walked blindly towards the street, barely paying any attention to my surroundings at all.
Suddenly, Jax was there, jogging up to me, his face full of concern. His large arms wrapped around me, pulling me tightly to his chest.
My sobs were muffled in the material of his jacket, his large hand cupping the back of my head as he held me.
* * *
That night, I told Jax what Cole had revealed to me while we lay together in my bed. My head rested against Jax's chest, my left leg over his legs with his arm around me.
"I just don't know what to do," I confessed, sighing. "He's right...there's no proof and it's his word against theirs." I lifted my head up, reading Jax's face.
"Maybe the other guys will testify against this Casey asshole," Jax told me, his hand stroking my back over my over-sized sleep t-shirt. His shoulders moved as he shrugged. "I doubt they're all still friends."
"Who knows," I relented, my eyes fluttering, heavy with fatigue. I felt so drained, and Jax felt so warm and comfortable. "Spend the night?" I asked him, nestling closer into his arms. Ever since the first time I'd accidentally fallen asleep in his arms, I was careful to not have a repeat. I didn't want Jax to think I was the kind of girl who would move her toothbrush in after a couple of hookups.
"Thought you'd never ask," Jax said through his smile. He kissed my forehead. Jax's scent of amber, sandalwood and spice lifted me into a deep, peaceful sleep.
The next few weeks passed by in rapid procession. At first, interacting with Crimson was challenging. She didn't exactly receive my request of Cole very well, but neither of us mentioned it. I knew Cole was still recovering from his suicide attempt; Crimson told me he was an inpatient at the hospital on suicide watch.
It would likely be a while before he got back to me about my request, and I had to be okay with that. Pressuring him wouldn't help speed anything up, and I was starting to think that there would never be any legal repercussions for Casey. I couldn't even remember the guy's last name, and Cole was right—it was his word against theirs. Who knew if Casey still had the photos?
There was no time to worry about it; my heavy course load demanded my attention. Preparing for finals and finishing up the major group assignments took all of my concentration, and before I knew it, my world was blanketed in snow and frigid temperatures. Christmas break was upon us.
I wouldn't find out what my final marks were in each of my classes for at least a week, but I was relieved to no longer have to deal with Brianna and Alissa on a semi-regular basis. Group work with them was a headache like no other.
Jax was desperate to take my mind off of finals and the Cole thing. I had finally surrendered to the self-defense classes and Jenna and I were subjected to the torment of physical exertion each Sunday night. We had learned how to get out of potential holds, where to kick and how much force to apply to hits. In addition to self-defense, Jax showed us a couple of basic MMA moves.
After four sessions, I could understand how having a Mixed Martial Arts gym would help troubled youth. It was a great outlet, and very therapeutic. I left each session with tender muscles and a clear head. Plus, watching Jax in action did strange things to my blood.
He didn't stop there, though. He continued to take me out on fun dates. Which was why I found myself at the Rideau Canal Skateway, lacing up rental skates on a Friday night. Jax stood in front of me, already laced up in his skates. He was wearing a pair of jeans, his thick black winter coat, a black Timberland winter cap and thick gloves.
I wore my new red North Face coat, the black cowl scarf, a thick beanie, and warm mittens, which rested on the bench beside me as I attempted to tie my skates.
"Ugh, these are impossible," I grumbled, frowning. I had never been skating before, and I was admittedly having trouble already. Jax smiled, shaking his head. He peeled off his gloves and crouched down, expertly tying my laces tightly up within seconds. "That's annoying," I told him, narrowing my eyes.
"What's annoying?" he asked innocently as he stood up.
"How good you are at everything." I rolled my eyes, attempting to stand up. My feet slid apart, and I fell backwards onto the bench smartly. "This is a terrible idea, for the record."
Jax chuckled as he helped me up into a standing position. I wobbled, unfamiliar with the ice and the skates. Jax slowly glided backwards, his hands clasped to my arms securely. He held my gaze, those warm brown eyes with the golden rim looking straight into my soul. I smiled, my apprehensive mood melting away. Sure, I might fall on my ass a thousand times, but Jax would be there to pick me up.
I was starting to appreciate that. Before, I hated the idea of someone rescuing me, of needing someone. I had rejected that notion with venom, especially after Iain. Now, I was learning that it wasn't such a terrible thing to have someone who wanted to be the arms that caught you when you fell. To want them there.
It wasn't like Jax wanted to do all the rescuing, either. He was teaching me to face my fears, to approach uncertainty regardless of the outcome. He was even giving me tools to rescue and defend myself, by way of the self-defense classes.
Jax pulled me closer to him, still anchoring me safely in his arms. He kissed me softly, his warm lips tasting mine.
My heart raced just from the way he was looking at me, holding me, and kissing me. Jax could convey all his feelings by simply being. He didn't hide anything from me.
But I was still hiding something from him. A lot of things, really. Mainly, my true feelings for him...how deeply I had fallen for him in such a short time. How those feelings overwhelmed and scared me. Why they overwhelmed and scared me, and how the ghost of my past still crept into my thoughts when he shouldn't.
"I'm going to let go now," Jax said, his voice drawing me back to the present. He slowly skated back a little, keeping his hands near mine in case he needed to grab them. "Take turns moving your feet forward, slowly and carefully...that's it. See? It's not so hard."
We skated for a while, holding hands. My moves were choppy and slow, unsteady on the slippery surface. Making conversation was difficult to do when I had to put so much concentration into not falling on my ass. Plus, the beauty of the Rideau Canal left me speechless. The canal was illuminated with purple and blue lights, giving a soft, romantic glow to all the skaters as snow fell at a leisurely pace.
I watched as a couple glided passed us effortlessly. The girl twirled in a circle, laughing as ice shavin
gs danced around her skates. They looked like professionals.
"I doubt I'll ever be able to do that," I warned him, feeling unsteady on my feet.
"Maybe by next year." Jax grinned. "You're not doing too badly for your first time."
As if he had jinxed me, I slipped and fell onto the hard ice.
"Okay, I'm done now," I said after he helped me up. I gingerly rubbed my behind. "Can we go back to my place now? Maybe snuggle up under my warm blankets? Naked, perhaps?"
"Not fair," Jax said, mock-pouting at me. "I wanted to do a romantic date night, and you're luring me to your bed like an evil temptress." Even as he spoke, he was directing us back to the benches where we had left our boots.
"Is that a yes?" I asked, innocently batting my lashes. He winked at me, gently helping me sit down on the bench before he dropped down beside me.
"That's a hell yes," he answered, leaning towards forward to kiss me.
* * *
A few days later I had a rare day off work and Jenna and I decided to head to the St. Laurent Centre to do some Christmas shopping.
"I honestly have no idea what to get Jax," I complained, aimlessly searching through another department store. Nothing had caught my eye all day. He hadn't given me any ideas.
"Maybe you need to get him something that isn't in a mall," Jenna recommended. She was loaded down with shopping bags; Jenna took her Christmas shopping very seriously. "He likes that MMA stuff, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Get him tickets to one of those UFC fights everyone's always talking about," Jenna suggested, shrugging.
"Oh my God, you're a genius," I told her, grinning as she disappeared into H&M.
I found her at the sales rack, holding up a pair of crocodile print leather jeans. She snickered at me."I actually think these would look really hot on you," she said, trying to hand them to me.
"Um, no thanks." I laughed, shoving her hand away. "I don't do crocodile print."
Jenna's laughter dropped away as she squinted towards the front of the store in disbelief. I turned around, my breath whooshing from my lungs as I caught sight of the familiar dirty blond hair and piercing Caribbean blue eyes of my twelfth grade English teacher.
Iain stared at me in shock, the pair of jeans he was holding dropping back down to the table he had picked them up from. He had lost a little weight, but it was still undeniably him. His hair was a little longer, and he had a slight hint of stubble across his jaw. His eyes locked with mine, and I felt a small shiver of desire, as if the past two years hadn't happened—as if we had never parted ways.
Jenna touched my arm, a frown on her face. "Harlow, I don't think—"
"I need to talk to him," I muttered, avoiding her look. I felt guilty about the attraction I still felt for Iain when I was with Jax, but I couldn't ignore it. I had spent the last two years longing for him to return, longing for just one minute with him so I could find out what was truly between us: fantasy or reality?
Her hand dropped in defeat and she nodded. "I'll...be here," she said. I walked towards him, taking a deep, calming breath as I did. It was as if the entire world around us melted away, leaving us momentarily suspended in time, staring at each other from across a table of jeans.
"Hi," I said softly. He blinked as if he still didn't believe I was standing right there, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed hard.
"Hi," he finally choked out. He cleared his throat, offering me an uncertain smile, his blue eyes drinking in my face. I wondered if he was thirsting for details of this moment, just like I was.
"Can we talk?" I asked, tilting my head. My heart pounded in my chest. It was hard to ignore the attraction that snapped and sizzled between us, even with Jax's face appearing in my mind.
"Yeah, sure." Iain put his hands in his faded jean pockets, gesturing with his head towards a vacant mall bench outside of H&M. With Jenna watching with a careful eye, I accompanied him to the bench.
I put a respectable amount of distance between us, mainly to protect myself. I wasn't sure what would happen if we touched. He still smelled like an enticing combination of books and forest. I hugged myself with my arms as I stared at him, trying to hold in the broken pieces that his silence had left. "Why?" I whispered, my voice wavering with pain, my eyes desperately searching his for an answer.
Iain looked at me, tormented, not surprised at all by my first question. "I couldn't talk to you, Harlow," he confessed, looking away from me. "I wanted to...I just couldn't."
"Because of your sentence?" I asked, needing to understand.
"A little bit, but also because...jail changes you, Harlow," Iain explained, slouching over and holding his head in his hands. He sounded older, although he barely looked it. Exhaustion and regret warred in his voice. His face was still as handsome as it had always been, the stubble across his jaw line just adding to his physical appeal.
I couldn't think of a reply. I sat on the bench, my arms crossed and my foot tapping nervously. "What about now? Why couldn't you talk to me now?"
"I'm a shell of the man I once was," Iain told me, speaking to the ground. "I'm not the same."
"I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. "It's all my fault." I looked away, feeling an overwhelming amount of grief and pain.
"No, hey, no," Iain argued. He lifted his hands, gently cupping my face as he brushed away the tears from my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. "I should have known better. I did know better. I just couldn't stay away...you were always my weakness, Harlow. Even now."
I drew in a breath, the sting of his sentence cutting deep. It was the truth though, and I was aware of it for quite some time now. We both had known better; we both knew it was dangerous and foolish, but I had pressed. We had both been too weak to say no to desire.
"Harlow, I don't regret it...I don't regret you," he continued, his hands still cupping my face tenderly. He gave me a weak smile. "Who knows, maybe one day..." he trailed off, letting the sentence hang between us.
I shook my head, thinking about Jax as more tears spilled out. Guilt consumed me. Iain had endured jail time for being with me, and while I still had strong feelings for Iain, I had also fallen hard for Jax. I never thought it was possible to love two people at once, to literally feel torn over them both.
"I didn't know if I would ever see you again," I whispered, pulling away from his touch. I instantly felt empty with the warmth of his hands gone.
"I'm sorry," Iain said. I could hear the heartbreak in his voice. "I never meant to hurt you, Harlow. Not then, not after, and not now. I love you."
I stood up quickly, furiously brushing the tears from my cheeks as I spotted Jenna leaving the store. "I have to go."
Iain said nothing more. He sat on the mall bench, watching as I walked away, my shoulders shaking as I sobbed into my hands.
* * *
The next evening, I hopped in the shower while I waited for Jax to get off work. Jenna and Lucas would be gone for a while, leaving Jax and I alone in the apartment. I knew I had to tell him.
I took my time in the shower, lathering shampoo into my long hair and letting the hot water heat my chilled soul. I couldn't stop feeling guilty about Iain, about the shiver of desire I had felt when our eyes locked across the store. I had no idea what I was going to tell Jax; I had no idea what he would think of me. I didn't know what I thought about me. I didn't even know what I wanted...or who.
Time, I thought. I needed time.
When the water ran cold, I turned off the shower and stepped out. I wrapped a towel around my waist and left the bathroom, making my way down the short hallway to my bedroom.
I flicked on my bedroom light, and then froze. A heavy weight of ice cold fear settled in the pit of my stomach as I looked into the sneering face of Andrew Cooper.
He was sitting on the end of my bed, twirling a hunting knife in his fingers. He was almost unrecognizable. His dark curls were sheared off and his cheeks were more angular, his classic boy next door looks faded to r
eveal the twisted rage and hatred from within.
"I've been waiting a long time for this," he told me, his voice hard and cruel. I let out a terrified scream and attempted to flee. Andrew chased me, his hand grasping my long wet hair. He yanked back with force and my eyes watered as I was propelled backward into his chest. He yanked my head to the side so that the steel of his hunting knife kissed the artery in my throat. "Oh, you're not going anywhere," he whispered, licking my ear.
He dragged me back towards my bedroom and tossed me toward my bed. I fell onto the mattress, struggling to keep the towel around me as Andrew looked on with a bemused expression in his cold eyes.
He was so different from the last time I saw him. Gone was the carefree, untouchable attitude of a spoiled boy who always got his way. In its place was a twisted creature that I knew was capable of even more terrible things than he had ever done before.
My heart was pounding with fear and dread. All of the self-defense classes hadn't prepared me for this.
"My boyfriend will be here soon!" I spat at him, trying to back away as he approached me.
"Jax? Nah, he's not coming," Andrew grinned maliciously, caressing the tip of his hunting knife.
"What did you do to him?" I demanded, my voice shaking.
"Oh, nothing." Andrew shrugged innocently, the wicked grin still on his thin lips. "But his truck...yeah. He won't be driving anywhere. Now...where were we?" He studied me for a moment, as if thinking. "Oh, right. Back to how I've waited a very long time for this."
"For what?" My pulse roared in my ears and my stomach churned, but I held his gaze. I knew I had to keep him talking, to keep him distracted.
"You are the reason that my father rots away in jail and my family name is forever tarnished." Andrew chuckled, shaking his head ruefully. He tapped the hunting knife in his left hand. "All the trouble you caused me...you're going to pay."
"You did that to yourself," I argued, my voice wavering.
Collide Series Box Set Page 43
