I was elated to have Cole’s attention, elated to have anyone’s attention, really. My mom was constantly working and when she wasn’t, she was dating. Making friends wasn’t exactly a talent of mine even then. I was too solemn, too dark looking. I spent most of my time alone until Cole smiled his crooked grin at me and I felt like someone was actually noticing me.
We had only been dating for three months when we received an invitation to hang out at one of his friend’s houses after a home game. Several of his other teammates were there, but I was the only girl. One teammate, Casey, put a roofie in my drink.
The details of that night were still fuzzy, but for the longest time afterwards, I believed the rumors I heard about me: that I had slept with the entire basketball team. My classmates turned against me for hurting Cole, the girls wrote terrible things on my lockers and the guys were forever making suggestive comments.
I couldn't handle it anymore; I switched schools and met Lauren. She became my first female friend ever, and the first person I ever truly connected with on a deeper level. We were fast friends, kindred spirits, spending all of our time together until she died in a car accident. I was with her, and I could still recall the horrible memories of that night...of her face lying against the dark pavement, blood seeping out from a wound in her head.
I felt responsible. It had been my boyfriend, high on drugs, behind the wheel. I walked away with barely a scratch, but my best friend—the first person to truly get me—was gone. Her absence was so notable that I couldn't escape it.
I relocated with my mom. I wasn't able to handle the ghost of Lauren. She was everywhere I looked in Toronto, or worse…her parents were. They had never forgiven me for the accident; I could feel their hatred rolling off their bodies in waves at the funeral.
I needed a fresh start where I could keep everyone at a distance until I graduated.
Then I met Iain. I fell in love and opened myself up to all the heartbreak that comes with it. Being with him was incredible. He filled the void in my heart that had been a constant companion since Lauren’s death. But then I lost him, and the aftermath of that relationship was not pretty. I shut myself off and walked around in a numbed state until four months ago, when Jax Walker sauntered in to my life with his smooth smile and rugged good looks.
If Jax wasn’t Jax, and if he didn’t make me so happy, I could hate myself for being with him. I never wanted to be that flighty woman that fell in love every other year with someone new; I never wanted to be my mom, a serial dater who needed a man to feel complete. I didn’t want to need Jax, but it was glaringly obvious that he did make me feel complete.
Jenna's hand on my arm brought me back to the present. "I’m not saying you need to go back to Dr. Philips and spill your guts, but you need to talk to someone. I'm worried about you, Harlow. I know that you can take a lot of punches, and you have...but you need to know that it's okay to ask for help. Don't keep closing yourself off from everyone; you'll never heal that way and you know it."
"I know," I sighed. I wasn't impervious to the fact that psychiatric help was a good thing—a necessary thing. I just didn't think that Dr. Philips could eliminate these particular demons. I had a feeling that they had more to do with my perception of love and my actual love life and less to do with the whole Andrew thing. Simply put: I needed to get over myself and deal with my shit.
Maybe Jenna was right. Maybe if I let her, Dr. Philips could help me sift through all the shit in my head and make sense of it.
"Good." Jenna sighed with relief and we started to walk along the sidewalk, our footsteps crunching patterns in the fresh snow and our breath escaping in puffs of clouds in front of our faces.
We made our way to The Bean, the coffee shop that we frequented more than I cared to admit, and not just because I worked there. The Bean was notorious for having the best coffee, sandwiches, and baked goods in town. It also had a comfortable, trendy environment that everybody loved. The owners, Jamie Hunter and Mark Judge, were personable and memorable. It was impossible not to like their outgoing personalities. They hired me on the spot when I brought in a resume shortly after moving to Ottawa.
Although I couldn't see myself slinging coffee for the rest of my life, I loved my job. I had quite a cushion put away in my savings account since my rent was so cheap. Jenna's father insisted on covering the cost of our cozy little apartment. He wanted Jenna to focus on school and he refused to accept my offers to pay even half.
He claimed he would have done it anyway for Jenna, and that he liked that I lived with her. Apparently, he worried less about her when I was around—or at least, he used to. I wasn't really sure if he still felt that way after the whole Andrew thing. I hadn't seen Mr. or Mrs. Burke since just after the attack, and they were shaken up.
When I entered the coffee shop, I was instantly greeted by the comfortable buzzing of conversation, the sweet, thick aroma of coffee, and the little chime from the bell that rang whenever someone opened it. The smell of coffee always made me relax a little.
The shop was surprisingly quiet at the usually busy hour of eight o’clock. A few customers were scattered throughout on comfortable arm chairs, sipping their caffeinated beverages as they stared at their cell phone screens with glazed eyes. I closed my own eyes, enjoying the fragrances and sounds of this familiar place. Coffee, fresh pastries, and the sound of spoons clinking against ceramic mugs. This place was more than just a paycheck to me; it was warm, it was home.
"Good morning, my beautiful darlings!" Jamie's sing-song voice rang out. I opened my eyes to Jamie's toothy grin as he stood behind the counter. He had recently gotten a haircut, and now wore his light hair in a Mohawk comb-over hybrid that would have looked ridiculous on anybody else but somehow suited him. Jamie's pale blue eyes assessed me with intelligence. He didn't miss a thing.
Jamie’s buoyancy was sometimes a little much for me, but I loved him all the same. He had completely taken me under his wing and filled the supportive authority figure spot in my life. It didn’t matter that Jamie was only twenty-seven, a mere six years older than me; he still fussed over me like a mother hen.
"Caffeine," I managed, hoping that I didn't look as exhausted as I felt.
Jamie was already preparing our drinks without asking us what we wanted. Jenna came in often enough that he'd memorized her order as effortlessly as he had memorized mine. He had taken her under his wing as well. My friends were always welcome around Jamie and Mark.
"How are you doing, Harlow?" Jamie asked, purposely keeping his voice light as he sent me another searching look over the coffee machine. The words he didn’t say hung between us, thick and sticky.
After the attack, I took a couple of weeks off at the insistence of everyone around me, including Jamie and Mark. My bosses flat out refused to let me come back until I had a few weeks of rest. I personally thought it was more detrimental than helpful—I damn near went insane. I started to spend a lot more time at the gym, working my body in an attempt to distract my mind. I found working out was a rather good distraction...almost as good as the distraction Jax provided. After two weeks off, I finally went back to work a week ago, and I was thankful for the normalcy of it. But Jamie still worried and fretted over me. He still asked me if I was okay before each and every shift. He wanted me to talk to him; he wanted me to divulge how I was feeling and how I was handling things.
"I’m fine," I said honestly, meeting his inquisitive gaze with a determined one of my own. I was determined to not show how exhausted I was, how emotionally draining this entire thing had been.
"Okay." Jamie nodded, accepting my answer. I could tell he was a little disappointed, but he shrugged it off well enough. He placed a large green tea and a large coffee on the ledge and gave me another easy smile, his white teeth flashing against his tanned skin. "Lucas will be working with you tonight."
"Really, Jamie. I'm fine," I insisted again, rolling my eyes. Lucas was another employee at The Bean. I didn't need Lucas to keep an eye on me, and fran
kly, I didn't want him there. "Besides, I'm sure Jenna wants to hang out with Lucas," I added, nudging Jenna's arm with my elbow. She was dating Lucas.
Mark Judge pushed open the revolving door, carrying a tray of freshly baked croissants and scones. He whistled happily, sending a large wink Jenna's way. She smiled at him before answering.
"We're hanging out tomorrow," she said, forcing a smile. I took a moment to swallow the sudden rise of panic. Since the attack, my anxiety had worsened. It was another thing that I probably should admit to someone like Dr. Philips, but I was stubborn. I wanted to control my own reactions, and I couldn't shake the foolish and stupid notion that taking medication would mean that I was out of control...again.
I took a slow breath, forcing a smile to my face as I struggled to appear completely unaffected. I didn't want to give my friends anything else to worry about.
"Really, I'm fine," I said, keeping my voice even despite the panic and anger. Since my return, both Jamie and Mark had been tip-toeing around me. They scheduled me to work the day shifts, when either one of them or Lucas could be there. All I wanted was things to go back to the way that they were before. "You don't need to have Lucas babysit me. I can close by myself."
Mark paused, watching the interaction between Jamie and me. I could tell Jamie was about to argue. He opened his mouth, but Mark swiftly cut him off. "I think she can handle it."
"I know she can," Jamie agreed, his eyes falling on Mark's face. He smiled lovingly, an expression that would have made my heart ache with loneliness if the thought of Jax hadn’t crept in.
Jamie and Mark had one of the most loving relationships that I had ever witnessed. They were affectionate with one another and had an easy banter about them. They almost seemed to speak their own language. Mark was completely tuned to Jamie, and vice versa. They were a unit, a team. They were a force to be reckoned with.
Seeing them together before I met Jax was so sweet that it stung. It made me ache for the same thing; someone that was just home to me no matter where we were.
They looked at each other for another moment, communicating with one another without words. Jamie nodded as if Mark had brought up an important point. "We're just looking out for you, honey. You look like you didn't sleep at all last night. Is Jax keeping you up too much? We need to have a chat with that boy!"
"I stayed up late studying last night," I responded. While that wasn't exactly true, Jax hadn't spent the night. I wish he had, though. I slept much better with him beside me.
Jamie sighed heavily, pressing his lips together while he considered me. "Fine, Lucas can get off at seven and you can close the store," he relented.
I felt the eely sensation of panic lessening slightly. I glanced at the clock over the counter. "We've got to go though. I'll be here at three."
"Have a good day, sweetie," Jamie said warmly. Mark put his hand on Jamie's shoulder and smiled at us as we turned to leave.
Jenna shook her head, smiling while she took a quick sip of her tea.
“What is it?” I frowned, pushing open the door and venturing outside. A gust of icy cold air made it feel as if my nostrils were frozen shut. It was unpleasant, and probably one of the things I liked least about winter.
"Oh, I was just thinking about Jamie,” Jenna responded. “He cares about you…a lot. Mark too. You can see it in their eyes.”
"I know," I grumbled. I desperately hoped that Jenna wasn’t about to start an ‘everybody cares about you’ spiel, I just didn’t have time for it. Thankfully, she didn’t and the rest of our walk to the campus was quiet, our boots crunching against the snow on the pavement the only accompanying sound.
"Looks like someone's been waiting for you," Jenna remarked, breaking the silence as we headed up the concrete steps, a genuine smile relaxing her lips as Jax Walker came into view. He was leaning against the doors of the lecture hall by my first class of the day.
An involuntary smile brought the corners of my lips up effortlessly. My heart rate jumped and began to race in my chest. Jax was one of those guys that radiated sex appeal and style in the delectable off-handed way that made any warm-blooded woman melt into putty. Jenna liked to describe him as a "barbarian." She claimed he was the kind of guy that could instantly make you feel both safe and in danger—or at least, in danger of getting pregnant.
Jax was tall—nearly six-foot-three inches—and he towered over me even when we were both sitting down. He had perpetually tanned skin, courtesy of his Hawaiian heritage. He wore his brown hair long, reaching just past his shoulders. It danced about in the wind, the majority of it held in place by a dark gray beanie. I'd even seen him toss it up in a bun while working out, and he still managed to pull it off and look like a certifiable sex god.
Shaving was never very high on Jax's priority list either, and he was currently rocking a three week old beard that did incredible things to my uterus. Jenna's earlier statements about being in danger of procreating with him were definitely viable. It was hard not to want to make babies with him, even if you definitely didn't want babies, which I didn’t.
Or at least, I hadn’t before…but Jax made me question that. Jax made me question everything. He was the total package: completely in shape, completely sexy, and completely loyal. The best part about him was his personality. He had a heart as gold as the rings encasing the pupils of those soft brown eyes. I'd never met anybody like him. He made me feel better from simply being in his company. Even just walking towards him had a lot of the tension and anxiety rolling away from me, and in its wake, a rising desire to get him alone and peel away those drool-worthy clothes that did little to hide how hard he worked in the gym.
I could practically feel the saliva pooling inside of my mouth, so I quickly took a sip of my coffee.
"Good morning, beautiful." Jax drawled, half of his mouth curling upward in a teasing smile that told me he knew exactly what I was thinking. He was dressed in his usual dark denim jeans that fit snugly around his muscular hips and waist and a charcoal thermal shirt beneath his open, black Northface jacket. Like I said, his outfit of choice did little to contain all that raw masculinity and really did make me want to hop on board the baby train.
"Dressed to kill today, aren't we?" I asked coyly, arching a brow. It was remarkable just how much better I felt in his presence. The tight grip of anxiety had lessened considerably, and it almost felt easier to breathe.
"You know it." Jax grinned, his arms opening for me. I walked into him, feeling them wrap around my body with a gentle strength that always made me sigh my complete surrender.
"You'll do awesome," I whispered, my cheek resting against his chest. I felt the rumble of his laughter just as I heard it.
"I know." He winked. Jax would be graduating in July with his Bachelors of Science in Psychology, and he was focused on his path of one day opening up a Mixed Martial Arts gym that specialized in helping troubled youths. He had a formal interview today at the gym he already worked at as a part-time personal trainer. He was hoping to introduce an official program for local youth as a part of his placement program. Jax pressed his lips to the top of my head in a tender kiss, his hands pressing against the small of my back and holding me to him. "Are we still on for tonight?" he asked.
"Of course." I grinned. I couldn't wait until tonight, when we would finally get to spend some time together.
My eyelashes fluttered against my cheek as Jax's hand gently came up to stroke the hair away from my face. His fingers lingered near the scar, and I felt him inhale deeply before his lips descended against mine. He kissed me softly at first, then followed my lead as I pressed harder against him. I was hungry for his touch, hungry to lose myself in him. He grinned against my lips a moment later, shaking his head.
"What are you doing to me?" he breathed out slowly. With those six words, I could tell that he was just as affected by our kiss as I had been.
“I guess the same thing that you’re doing to me.” I whispered, smirking. Jax grinned and kissed me once more befo
re regretfully breaking away. He gave me a final longing look before turning around.
I bit down hard on my bottom lip the moment he started to walk away, trying to divert the focus from the pain in my chest. Whenever he left, my heart began to ache. Jax made me feel whole again, but that just meant that when he wasn't around, I felt everything full force. Unfortunately, I felt it full force a lot.
Jax was a busy man. In addition to attending university full time and his part time job at the gym, he worked at a local garage. It was hard for us to steal moments to be together, but he went out of his way to make sure it happened at least once a day.
Jax also frequented my bed quite often, although he was still officially living in the same student housing building that Andrew had lived in. He hated being there just as much as I hated him being there. I hadn’t been able to go back there. Still, neither one of us had broached the idea of him moving in with Jenna and me. It hung between us like a heavy cloud.
It shouldn't be so difficult to ask him to move in, given that I missed him like crazy every minute he wasn't around, but it was. I was too afraid of my deep feelings for him; I was afraid that things would change if he moved in. It was a silly thing to fear, given everything we had been through together, but I wasn't exactly the best at the whole 'relationship' thing.
"See you later, Fabio," Jenna said dryly to his retreating back. I could hear Jax chuckle as he waved at her over his shoulder. Jenna gave me a scathing look, making me feel almost like a reprimanded child.
"What?" I demanded.
"You totally forgot I was standing right here, didn't you?" She arched a brow, shaking her head at me.
"No, I didn't forget...I just didn't care," I shot back, smirking. Jenna glanced in the direction Jax had just gone, a wistful smile on her lips as she softly shook her head. "What's up with you?" I asked, frowning with slight concern at the strange look on her face.
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