by E. L. Todd
My heart ached in pain as I listened to the emotion in his voice. “But that didn’t happen, Sean.”
“I know. But I can’t forget…”
“I guess I can’t forget either.” I looked around the house and stared at the place where I killed a man in cold blood.
He turned and looked at the same place. “Maybe we should sell the house and start over.”
“Can we ever start over?” I asked. “We can leave this place but the memories will haunt us forever.”
“But at least we won’t be reminded of it.” He turned back to me.
“The kids will never understand.”
“No, they won’t,” he said. “Unless we tell them.”
“Everything?” I wanted to shield them from the reality of the cruel world.
He nodded. “They already know we’re hiding something. If they dig deep enough they’ll find it anyway.”
“I don’t want them to know…” I shook my head.
“Being open about it will help, Scar.”
“I don’t want to scare them.”
“They’re strong,” he said. “Just like their mother.”
I averted my gaze and looked at the floor.
Sean closed the gap between us and pulled me into his arms. They formed steel cages around me, protecting me from the ghosts that pressed against me. Even though I couldn’t see them, they were always there, crushing me.
He pressed his forehead to mine then dug his fingers into my hair. “How about we see this therapist together?”
“You would want to?”
“Why not?” he asked. “It might do us both some good.”
“He said I should bring you along.”
“I already like him.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and gave me a slight smile.
I tried to smile back but I couldn’t. It came out as a grimace.
His voice turned serious. “Baby, we’ll be okay. I promise.”
“I know.”
“You’re always strong for me. You always pick me up when I fall down. You’re the rock that keeps me anchored. But I’m the same thing to you. And you need to use me in the same way. Let me take care of you for once.”
“You always take care of me,” I whispered.
“It seems like it’s the other way around most of the time,” he said with a slight chuckle.
“When are we going to tell them?”
“Let’s wait until after the wedding. This should be a happy time—for everyone.”
I nodded in agreement.
He rested his fingers under my chin and lifted my face slightly. He looked me in the eye before he leaned in and kissed me gently. “It’s you and me against the world.”
Chapter Eight
Slade
I was so fucking miserable.
Cayson’s bed wasn’t as comfortable as mine, my whole life was turned upside down, and I missed Trinity. Being without her was torture. She and I talked through texting but it wasn’t the same. I missed coming home to her every night. Keeping us apart until the wedding day was the stupidest thing I ever heard. But it was important to her so I sucked it up.
But I was a corpse.
I didn’t just miss having sex with her. I missed everything about our relationship. I missed telling her about my day when I came home. She and I would have dinner together every night and I missed the normalcy. Now I didn’t know where I belonged in the world.
Spending time with Cayson wasn’t the worst thing in the world but he wasn’t Trinity. Sleeping with him every night was a little weird, but as long as we didn’t tell anyone we would be free from persecution.
Was Trinity suffering as much as I was?
The only time I felt somewhat comfortable was when I was at work. There was always something to do so I was distracted. And Cayson got lunch with me every day so I wasn’t alone.
I was behind the register and typing a text on my phone when someone came inside. Any time I heard the beep over the door I always hoped it would be Trinity. But it never was.
Instead, it was the girl who came in a few weeks ago. She was already covered in sleeves, and her tight shirt showed her navel piercing. I couldn’t hide my disappointment. Last time I spoke to this girl she was a pain in the ass.
“It looks like you remember me this time.” She approached the desk while she chewed a stick of gum.
“I never forget a nuisance,” I said with a bored voice. “What do you want?”
“I still want that tatt on my back.”
I scanned the area then glanced down the hallway. “Whose free?”
Razor yelled back, “I’m just playing with my dick so send her back.”
I turned back to the gum chewer. “He’s waiting for you.”
She didn’t move. “I already said I want you to do it.” She stared at me like she dared me to challenge her.
“Well, I’m busy. Take it or get the fuck out.”
She leaned over the counter and rested her arms on the surface. “What happened to hooking me up?”
“Sorry?” What the hell was she talking about?
Her eyes squinted in disgust. “You don’t remember me at all.”
“You didn’t pick up on that?”
“Roger’s bar before you left for college. In the bathroom stall. Ringing a bell?”
I searched my memory but didn’t come up with anything.
“We did it on your sister’s laundry.”
I’d been with a lot of girls so it was nearly impossible to remember them all. But that moment rang a bell. “I vaguely remember…”
“Oh goodie,” she said sarcastically. “We spent two weeks together. Then you stopped calling.”
“Two weeks is a long time. You should be grateful for that.”
She tilted her head in agitation. “And you’re still a dick like I remember.”
“I’ll always be a dick.” I said it with pride in my voice.
She eyed my hands on the counter, and her eyes honed in on the tattoo on my left hand. “Married?”
“In a few days.”
“Are you a dick to her?” she demanded.
“I put that goddess on a pedestal.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “Why her?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you a real man for her?”
She was practically a stranger. Why was I having this conversation with her? “Because I actually like her.”
“So, this is for real?”
“What’s for real?” I demanded.
“The infamous Slade is settling down? You’re going to have sex with one woman for the rest of your life?”
“That’s what marriage means…”
She rolled her eyes. “Who are you kidding? That’s never going to last.”
“Excuse me?” I snapped. “You don’t know me or her.”
“I’m just telling you the truth. You’re trying to be someone you aren’t. You’re still the same asshole who fucked me in the bathroom stall then kicked me aside when you got bored. Maybe you aren’t bored with her now but you’ll get bored of her soon.”
Her words prickled my skin and made me uneasy. I wasn’t sure why. They were just words and didn’t have any real meaning to them.
“You know I’m right.”
“You don’t know me at all.”
“You’re exactly the same guy you used to be. You talk the same, you act the same, and you look the same.” She put her hands on her hips. “So, what the hell are you doing with her?”
“I love her.” It was the truest thing I’d ever said.
She rolled her eyes. “She’s probably just good in the sack. But the boredom will come.”
I was getting ticked off. “Are you here just to insult my relationship? Because I have other things to do.”
“I want a tattoo. I already said that.”
“Well, I’m not giving you one. So get the fuck out.”
She leaned over the counter and lowe
red her voice. “You don’t remember me. You probably don’t even remember my name. And one day, you won’t remember this girl’s name either. That’s just who you are. Stop trying to change and just embrace it.”
I stared her down and restrained myself from stabbing her in the eye with a pen. “What do you really want? A fuck in my office? Is that what this is about?”
“Is that what you want?” She had a playful look in her eyes.
“I couldn’t get it up for you if I tried.”
Her eyes dilated in offense.
“Now get out before I throw you out.”
***
“Everything okay?” Cayson asked. “You seem tense.”
“Just a long day.” I picked at my fries but I wasn’t really hungry.
“Are you sure?” He sipped his soda. “It seems like something is on your mind.”
I didn’t see the harm in telling him. “This girl I used to fool around with came to my shop and said getting married was a mistake. I’ll get bored with Trinity just the way I got bored with her.”
Cayson put the soda down and looked at me with alarm in his eyes. “And what did you say?”
“I kicked her out and told her not to come back.”
He relaxed slightly. “She sounds like a freak.”
“That’s an understatement. I’m still not sure what she wanted.”
“She’s probably just jealous that you’re marrying Trinity and not her.”
I shrugged. “Maybe. Still a weirdo.” I picked at my fries.
“But it’s still got you worked up?”
“I don’t know…I guess it’s weird to think I used to hook up with random chicks all the time. My life used to be so different. Then I got drunk with Trinity and everything changed. It’s crazy to think about. If that night hadn’t happened, would she and I ever have gotten together?”
“I think so.”
“Why?” I asked.
“You guys are meant for each other.”
“But we really don’t have anything in common.” We didn’t like the same kind of music, we had different personalities, and we didn’t understand each other most of the time. She was a prissy girly girl and I was a dangerous tattoo artist. How did we get here?
“Having a lot in common is irrelevant.”
“Then what is relevant?” I asked.
“That you love each other. That’s all that really matters.”
“I guess.” I stared down at my food.
Cayson watched me. “Everything okay, Slade?”
“I’m fine,” I said without looking at him.
“Slade.”
I sighed and looked at him.
“Are you sure?”
I tried not to snap. “You keep looking at me like I’m going to take off and leave Trinity. I’m not a flight risk so stop looking at me like one.”
Cayson returned to his food. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be overbearing.”
“Well, back off,” I said angrily.
Cayson raised his hands in surrender. “I’m sorry. I just know how you get sometimes.”
I turned back to my food and felt my shoulders tense.
Cayson knew I was still ticked. “Everyone gets cold feet. It’s totally normal. I wasn’t implying that you were going to leave. But I assumed you would have a moment when you realized your life was going to change forever. And it might scare you. That’s all.”
I pushed my fries around.
“Your dad got cold feet. Remember?”
I did remember.
“And your dad loves your mom. So, I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”
I finally relaxed. “Okay.”
Cayson returned to eating his food when he realized I wasn’t pissed off anymore. He finished his burger and fries then pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. “Have you written your vows yet?”
“No.” I finished my soda.
“When are you going to do them?”
I shrugged. “Maybe the morning of. I don’t know…”
Cayson gave me a surprised expression. “You shouldn’t wait that long.”
“Why?” I asked. “I already know what I’m going to say.”
“Well, let’s do it now.” He clicked the back of his pen then pressed the tip to the paper. “What have you got so far?”
I tried to remember what I brainstormed. “Trinity, when we hooked up I just wanted to get laid. But you were so good in bed that I couldn’t resist you anymore. So, I wanted to keep having sex with you and somewhere down the road—”
“Okay…you can’t say that.”
“Why?” I asked. “It’s the truth.”
“Remember her entire family is going to be there. Keep it appropriate.”
I sighed and tried to think of something else. “Trinity, you have such a nice ass. And I’ve always imagined my wife having a nice ass.”
“Again…not appropriate.”
I gripped my skull in irritation. “Damn, why is this so hard?”
“It’s not,” he said. “Just speak from the heart, like you did when you proposed.”
“I didn’t plan what I was going to say beforehand. I kind of just winged it.”
“Well, wing it right now.” He continued to hold the pen in preparation to take notes.
I tried to think of something from the heart. “Okay, I got it. Trinity, you and I are like two penguins. They mate for life, and they waddle around together forever. They even hold flippers. I love you. Boom.” I slapped my hand on the surface when I finished.
Cayson stared at me blankly. “That’s it?”
“Girls love penguins. They think they’re cute and shit.”
“Well, that’s not going to work. Try something else.”
“Why the hell not? I know for a fact Trinity loves penguins.”
Cayson rubbed his temple. “This is going to take a long time…”
“Then why don’t you write it for me?”
“Me?” he asked. “I can’t write your vows, Slade.”
“Why not?” I asked. “Just do something generic.”
“Because these are your vows, Slade.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ll just wing it when I’m up there.”
“You aren’t going to wing it,” he said. “We’re doing this, Slade.”
“Look, she already knows I love her. I don’t need to get all lovey-dovey on her.”
“Actually, you do,” Cayson said. “It’s your one wedding day. You’re supposed to be sappy.”
“Well, I can’t write something unless I’m in the moment. And I just don’t feel that way right now.”
Cayson sighed. “Why don’t you talk about The Odyssey and how you and Trinity see yourselves as the main characters, that your love can survive anything, even time and distance.”
I shrugged. “Seems overdone.”
He doodled on his paper. “Talk about your break up and how terrible it made you feel. And you never want to lose her like that again.”
I shook my head. “I’m not going to bring up a bad memory like that.”
He sighed. “Talk about the moment you knew you loved her.”
I snapped my fingers. “I got it. I’ll bring a tiger and—”
“No tigers!”
I growled in irritation. “That would actually be good. What says eternal love like a Siberian white tiger?”
“A lot of other things,” he said. “Write her a poem.”
“What?” I spat. “When have you ever seen me write a poem?”
“You write music.”
“A song and a poem are totally different.”
Cayson tapped his pen against the counter. “How about you play her a song then?”
“Nah, I already did that when I proposed.”
“Then you need to work on what you’re going to say.”
“I’m telling you, I’ll know what to say when I see her.” Why didn’t he believe me? I couldn’t force myself to do anything unless the emotion was there. Trinity understood th
at about me. “I can’t just be romantic on a whim. It has to be real.”
“You’re really going to put yourself on the spot at the most stressful time?” he asked incredulously. “What if you lose your tongue and don’t know what to say. Or more likely, what if you say something stupid?”
“I won’t say anything stupid. And if I do, Trinity won’t get mad. She understands me.”
“This isn’t the same as when you’re alone together,” Cayson argued. “Three hundred people are going to be watching you. Just write it down and read off the paper. That way you know you won’t mess up.”
“But I don’t know what to write!”
He pulled his phone out and tapped on the screen.
“Are you looking for someone to hire to write my vows?” I asked. “I didn’t even think of that.”
“No.” He held the screen toward me. It was a picture of Trinity laughing with Skye. “Okay, she’s the girl you’re going to marry. Now, what do you want to say to her when you marry her?”
I squinted as I looked at the picture. “There’s ketchup in the corner of her mouth.”
“Concentrate.”
“Dude, this isn’t working. Looking at a picture of her isn’t the same thing.”
He shoved the phone back into his pocket. “Why do you have to make everything difficult?”
“I’m not,” I argued. “I’m an artist. I can’t conjure feelings without a stimulus.”
“I sincerely hope Skye and Trinity are having better luck.”
I rolled my eyes. “Trinity’s vows are going to be an hour long. I’d bet money on it.”
“Which means you have to take this seriously.”
“Why?” I asked. “She’ll put everyone to sleep.”
Cayson growled. “Slade, pull your head out of your ass and get in the game.”
“Dude, trust me. The words will come to me when I see her walk down the aisle.”
He covered his face and sighed. “I guess I’ll write you something as a back up.”
“Don’t bother.”
“Keep in mind this is the most important day of Trinity’s life. You really don’t want to mess that up for her.”
“I won’t,” I said with confidence. “I’m not worried about it.”
