by Vivian Lux
"That's just it, Lil. I'm not playing. This is real for me."
I froze.
He nodded. "Yeah. Tell me this means something to you. Because I went way beyond just fucking around the other night. Hell, I went way beyond that a long time ago. If you think this doesn't mean anything..."
Jax bent nearly double for a moment, and then straightened back up again.
"Bye, Lily."
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jax
That was the hardest fucking thing I have ever done in my life.
Each footstep took an eternity as I slowly slogged my way to the door. "Mr. Blue? Your dress!" the girl at the counter called.
I turned in a fog and mutely accepted the garment bag. As I slung it over my shoulder, I could see Bit out of the corner of my eye. She was standing in the door of the dressing room, her lips moving soundlessly. She was rocking forward and back on her bare toes, like she was trying to move to me but was rooted to the spot.
Just say something, I willed her. Anything. Scream at me, if you want to. Just don't let me walk out this door.
"Jax ..."
Did she say that, or was it a phantom in my head? I looked at her one last time and put my hand on the handle. Her own little hand fluttered upward... and then back down again.
Okay, then. It's over.
I drove home in silence, not daring to even think. As I walked in the front door, I dropped the dress at my feet, then turned and headed right up the stairs.
Now it was my turn to hide behind a closed door.
My phone buzzed, one, two, three times. But I didn't check it. I had rehearsal tonight, studio time booked for tomorrow. But both of those things meant leaving the sanctity of this space.
Was I a complete pussy for avoiding her? Sure I was. But I was at least a self-aware pussy. I knew that seeing her, even in passing, was the biggest risk to my fragile sanity. I shut the door to my room and stared at the four walls until I thought I might go crazy.
Then I started to write.
The album that I had stalled on, the words that just wouldn't fucking come, was suddenly pouring out of me. Three days after Lily admitted to using me, I emerged from my room with an entire fourteen song LP on a demo reel.
And it was gold. I was surer of this than I had ever been sure of anything in my life. I picked up my phone and swiped past the mass of notifications and placed a phone call instead.
"Well, hello there, prodigal client." Bev didn't sound pissed, per se. Or maybe I was just telling myself that to feel better.
"Hey, beautiful, did you miss me?"
"Not particularly, but once again the studio sure did. That time costs a lot of money, Jax."
I sighed heavily and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror that dominated the wall across from my bed. When I hung it there, it was for the express purpose of watching myself as I fucked... whoever I happened to be fucking. It didn't really matter, so long as I could see myself. But now what I was seeing made me cringe inwardly. "Yeah, Bev, look. I've been in some shit and I should have called. But I have some good news."
"Tell me it's a finished album."
I grinned. "It's a finished album."
"You better not be fucking with me, Blue."
"I'm not. I need the studio and the guys, tomorrow--wait, no. Shit, that's the day my mom gets married... How about Monday? Can they squeeze me in Monday. Please?"
Bev was silent so long I thought I dropped the call. I pulled my phone back from my ear and checked and she was already talking when I put my ear back. " ...first time I've ever heard you say please, Jaxson."
"Yeah, well, don't get used to it."
She laughed. "Fine. I'll pull some strings, try to smooth the ruffled feathers, and all of that. You had better make this worth my while."
"I'm always worth your while, darling."
"Pig," she snorted, but as she hung up, I could hear her laughing. I was laughing too. Free, manic laughter as something loosened in my chest. I flung open my door, intending to run downstairs and pour myself a celebratory drink.
Lily lowered her hand and raised the bottle, stretching it out in front of her like a peace offering. "Hi there," she said softly. "Truce?"
Chapter Thirty-Three
Liliana
It's over.
He ended it.
I should be relieved.
...
Why do I feel like my heart is imploding?
It was the way he bent double. Like my words had punched him right in the gut. Then, and only then, did I realize something truly upsetting.
I was the bad guy here. Not him. Me.
I stared at his closed door and thought back over the past two weeks. We'd sparred, we'd argued, but the one who had truly been cruel was me. All the time I had convinced myself that I was the wronged party when I was the one that had been doing the wronging.
It was a shitty feeling.
Regret was a feeling I was used to when it came to Jaxson Blue. But not like this. I regretted being so callous, using him the way I did. I regretted my steadfast refusal to recognize the zillion ways he had said he was sorry. I regretted listening to him open his heart while still keeping mine firmly shut.
I regretted letting him walk out of that door, because now I missed him. Not my body. Me. I missed sparring with him and how he made me laugh. I missed his jokes and his sarcastic side comments. I missed how he was the only person who understood my strange way of life, because he was in it to. My partner in crime.
My best friend.
Wow. I really fucked up.
He missed the rehearsal dinner, but everyone was too drunk to really care. As soon as I saw my chance, I snatched a bottle of Jack from the wet bar and snuck upstairs. I could hear him inside, talking on his cell phone. "I'm always worth your while, darling," he cooed in that arrogant voice he used with women, and for a moment, my heart faltered with jealousy.
No. You don't get to feel that. This is a peace offering. You have to see him for the rest of your life, so long as Annie and Dad are together. Christmases, birthdays... he's in your life for good now. You may as well try to see if you can be friends.
I took a quick sip of the whiskey and squared my shoulders, ready to knock, when he flung the door open.
His gorgeous face, which had been so animated a second ago, went blank. I felt my stomach splash down near my feet and suddenly knew exactly how he felt in the dress shop. The way a word--no, just a look--can be a punch to the gut.
Instead of doubling over, I held out the bottle. "Truce?" I asked.
Jax's mouth worked for a second and I was certain he was going to tell me no. He brushed his hand over his face, pulling down the corners of his mouth before running his fingers through his hair. "Yeah Bit. Come on in."
Chapter Thirty-Four
Jax
She looked at me like she was afraid I might bite her. And as angry as I was, that still hurt far more than I would have liked.
Her bare feet sank into the carpet by my bed as she looked all around her, then let out a rueful little snort. "This is the first time I've been in your bedroom. I've been here two weeks, and I never set foot in here."
I shoved my hands in my pockets to give me something to hold on to. "Yeah? What do you think?"
She looked around like she was honestly considering, taking in the dark wood of my bed set, the scattered weights, the beat-up guitar collection, the giant-ass mirror on the wall. "It makes sense," she finally volunteered.
I had to laugh. " 'Makes sense?' "
"It suits you."
"I'm afraid to ask."
She waved her arms a little frantically. "It's a little scattered, a little messy. But it's lived-in. It feels like home."
Her words hung in the air for a moment and I let them. I let the silence stretch out so long she got agitated, digging her toes one after another into the carpet. Then I waited a little longer.
"I missed you," she blurted.
I clenche
d my fist. "Oh yeah? What did you miss?"
"Not that," she protested. I raised my eyebrow. "Okay, yeah, that too. But I missed you. You've been hiding from me."
"I learned from the best."
She looked down. "Fair enough. But I kind of want you to stop now."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that. Yeah."
I let the silence hang a little longer, knowing she wouldn't be able to help herself. She had to fill it.
"It's just... I realized something. We're never going to actually be able to avoid each other, Jax. Our parents are getting married. Tomorrow." She raised an eyebrow at me. "You missed rehearsal, by the way."
"Walk Mom down the aisle. What's to rehearse?"
"She was pissed."
"For how long?"
Bit laughed. "Until her third shot of bourbon. When I left the party she was in my Dad's lap singing 'Cocaine Kisses.' "
"I hate that song."
"Me too." Lily sank down, plopping herself onto my bed uninvited and I tried to get over how right she looked there. "I just need to know we can be friends, at least. Things are awkward enough as it is without us making it worse for each other." She looked up at me. "Wait, stop, don't get all mad and defensive, Jax. Look, I was an ass. I admit that. I treated you like shit, and I'm sorry about it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." Her face worked for a second, like she had something more to say, and then dropped it. She wiggled the bottle instead. "So, yeah. Our parents are getting married and it's weird, and this whole thing is fucked up, and yeah... Drink with me?"
I sat down on the bed next to her. What the fuck could I do? I was powerless when it came to her. Even if this really was truly over I suspected I always would be. "That's a fantastic idea," I told her. And I meant it. "What are we toasting?"
"I don't know, exactly. You first."
I thought a moment. "To second chances?"
Her voice was small. "To second chances."
We drained our glasses and Bit wrinkled her nose. It was so damn cute my heart nearly stopped. I grabbed the bottle from her. "And to third and fourth ones too," I declared, pouring two in quick succession
She laughed. "Wait, okay, I've got one. A toast." She lifted her glass, eyes already shining. "Here's to our parents for fucking up any hope we could ever have at being normal!"
Chapter Thirty-Five
Liliana
I drained the shot, then coughed into my hand.
Jax's blue eyes twinkled. "Slow it down there, Bit. You're like, a third of my size. Don't try to keep pace with me."
"Bullshit," I snarled. "I can drink you under the table, asshole."
"Sure you can, as long as I'm under there with you."
I coughed again. "You can't help yourself, can you?"
"No. Not with you. It's a curse."
"I'll try to take that as a compliment."
"I intend it as one."
"Going under tables would be bad for this... whatever this is...?"
"Detente?"
"Nice word, Jax."
"I'm a writer too, you know."
"Oh... I know."
"You look pissed all of sudden. What the fuck did I do now?"
"Nothing. You just have a way with words."
"You keep saying shit like that and I have to tell you that I don't have the faintest fucking idea what you're talking about."
I gaped at him. "Are you really telling the truth right now?"
"God's honest. You keep dropping these cryptic little remarks and then running the fuck away instead of explaining. Keeping the door shut, whatever. You want to be friends? Friends don't pull this passive aggressive bullshit. Friends say what the hell is on their mind. You're pissed at me, you've been pissed for like a year. Why?"
My words came so fast I nearly choked on them. "Why? Why? You really don't know? You wrote a fucking song about the fight we had... the morning after we first... we finally... Fuck, you know what I'm talking about. You took the worst moment of my life and wrote a fucking song about it. Now it's everywhere. Mocking me. Mocking it. What we shared. What I gave you." I was full-on sobbing now. It was a wonder he could even recognize the words I was trying to say.
He pressed his lips together in a thin line and waited for my sobs to quiet before he slowly spoke. "Liliana. Have you ever actually listened to the song?"
"Of course I have, asshole."
"The whole thing?"
"I got the fucking gist."
His eyes blazed angrily. "How about the show? You heard the whole thing there, right?"
He caught me. And I didn't have the energy to lie. "I was late, Jax. I missed it."
His mouth twisted and his head sagged forward and for a moment I wanted so badly to lie. "You weren't there," he repeated. The words came out on an exhalation so strong it sounded like he was deflating.
He looked so upset I was instantly on the defensive. "I only missed 'Cocky'! I was there for everything else. And I didn't want to hear it, honestly. I've heard it a million times. It's only on the radio every three minutes or so."
"No." He stood up and strode to his closet, lifting one of his battered old practice acoustic up to his chest. "Fucking listen to it. Right now."
The gentle strum was nothing like the bass intro. It was light, almost plaintive. He ducked his head over the guitar, hugging it to his body as he plucked the strings and every sound it made was sorrow. I was crying even harder now, the melody so familiar, yet so strange. Then he opened his mouth and looked at me and sang.
"You got it right... babe.
We spent the night... babe
And I'm just a Lil Bit cocky, yes, it's true."
I winced. And his lips curled into a private smile before he moved on to the part I had never heard.
"Now we're young and so in love,
Body fits mine like a glove
And I never should have let you go.
I'm so sorry, I was wrong,
And I've loved you all along.
Now I'm trying to let you know ...
He held the note, clear and perfect over the ringing strings ...
"You got it right... babe
You're always right, babe
I'm more than a Lil Bit sorry, yes, it's true.
I never thought... babe
We could have fought... babe
I want my Lil Bit back inside my arms.
You should know... babe
I'll never go... babe
You're the only one I want, yes, it's true ..."
A high, piercing note... His voice caught dangerously and he averted his eyes. Tears were flowing fast and freely down my cheeks ...
"Can we go right back in time?
Can we turn right on a dime?
I promise I will always be true.
Can you listen to my song?
Tryin' to tell you I was wrong.
And I'm telling you that I love you.
I felt hollowed out. The place where my anger had resided was just an empty space now. A vacuum waiting to be filled. And in it rushed the love that had been waiting this whole wasted time.
"Jaxson."
"Yeah, Lily." His voice broke slightly and I saw his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed.
"I didn't know."
"Now you do."
I looked down at my hands. "Dad and Annie get married tomorrow."
He nodded. "I'm well aware."
"But ..." I had no idea how he'd react, if I asked. I had hurt him so badly, again and again and again, did I really deserve another chance? "We still have tonight."
It was like watching a dead man return to life. Inch by inch, his spine straightened. The color returned to his cheeks and that devilish gleam to his eyes. I bit my lip when I saw his cocky grin spread across his face. "Yeah... we have tonight."
"So?" I spread my hands, arching my back slightly. His eyes went to my breasts and then back up to my face.
"So what, Lily?"
"Aren'
t you going to come over here?"
"You know what? I don't think I will."
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Nope." He leaned back and brushed his hand up from his groin. I could see his length straining against his jeans already. "You come over here."
"Really?"
"You know you want to, Bit."
I did. "You are the cockiest son of a bitch ..."
"That's why you love me," he drawled.
I laughed and slid from the bed. His eyes followed my every move as I slunk along the floor, rising up to my knees between his legs. He hissed as I pressed my hands to his thighs. "That's not why." I licked my lips, wetting them, readying them.
"Why?" He genuinely wanted to know.
"Well ..." I slid my hand up, cupping his groin. "There's this ..."
His eyes darkened. "Show me how much you love that."
A small whimper escaped my lips as I unzipped his jeans tooth by tooth. He leaned back, watching me, occasionally brushing my hair behind my ear so that he could more clearly see my face as I freed his cock from his boxers.
As the silken head brushed past my lips, we both groaned together. I always figured that he had the power and I had none. But in that moment, I knew I had as much power over him as I was brave enough to take.
And suddenly I wanted everything he had. I inhaled sharply, taking in as much as I could. The taste of him ...the smell of him .... It wasn't the whiskey that was getting me drunk.
"Lily... fuck..." He looked down at me and the way his lips parted in wonder sent me into a frenzy. I was determined to take all of him, every precious inch.
With a guttural moan, he fisted my hair into a knot and yanked my head backwards. "Slow down, greedy girl. We have all night."
He pulled me up to him and folded me into his arms, cradling me just like a child. I rested my head on his shoulder, breathless.
"I need to feel your skin, babe. Get these clothes off."
I jumped up to obey him. Jax leaned back on his elbows, his long form draped across the bed, and the wickedest smile in the world on his face. "That's it. Fuck, look in the mirror. Do you even see yourself?"
