by Vivian Lux
The packing tape's horrible screeching noise drowned out my own. "No," I said firmly. I didn't trust myself to say anything more. The words were all bunched up there on the tip of my tongue, ready to tumble out in a word-vomit flood of vulnerability.
I stared at the brown cardboard like it was some sort of ancient tome that needed deciphering and counted back from ten. But even that couldn't keep the tide of hurt from rushing in. Fuck, I had had it--it. The kind of love that lasted a lifetime, and I set it aside over worries about how it all looked.
And he loved me enough to let me.
"Why are you laughing?" Angel demanded.
"I didn't realize I was," I said, wiping the hysterical tears aware. "Just something Jax and I did at the wedding. We're idiots when you get us together."
"So get together tonight!" Angel was nothing if not persistent. "We can get you an extra ticket. It's be like our last hurrah as roommates, you taking me to meet the rock god you grew up with." She shivered with excitement. "Those eyes of his, are they really that blue in real life?"
"They really are."
"How about his body, have you ever seen him with his shirt off up close? Oh God, never mind, I can tell by your face that you have. How about his ..." Her voice dropped down to a conspiratorial whisper." ...cock? Have you seen that?"
"I once walked in on him as he was getting out of the shower ..." It was true, anyway.
"Oh my God!" She whipped out her phone and started texting. "Seriously Lily, we are making this happen tonight. I don't care if I have to drag you by your hair ..."
"No," I said. I meant to sound firm, but it sounded more like a shout. She looked up at me, stricken, as I tried to compose myself. "No," I repeated, softer this time. "I really want to get finished packing tonight."
"But why are you moving? You never really explained that. Just came back all weird and quiet and said I have to find a new roommate. How could you do that to me, by the way? What if they're a complete weirdo?"
I ignored the second part of her question as I sought to answer the first. "I'm moving because... it's hard to put in words. Have you ever had a change in your life that's so drastic you can't believe it's not immediately visible to everyone who sees you?"
Angel was silent for several seconds. "When my cat died back in high school, I was, like, a wreck for months. Started wearing black and everything."
I nodded encouragingly. "Yeah, so you started wearing black. I'm moving to a place I've never seen before." Or so I believed. I was heading upstate, to a writer's retreat in the Catskills.
That's what I told Angel, anyway.
But what I didn't say was that I wasn't actually sure about that. I might just spend some time on the road for a while. Find someplace quiet to lick my wounds. The road was calling me. My dad, of all people, would understand, but he was still on his extended honeymoon with Annie. So the only person I could talk to about this extraordinary change inside of me was my soon-to-be-ex-roommate. This was the most we had spoken in a year.
Angel was trying hard to understand. I had to give her that. "That's totally nuts," she finally exhaled.
I laughed and taped another box. "It is," I agreed. "But I need to do it. I'll go crazy if I don't."
She leaned back and stretched her legs out on the bed. "Well, I'm going to hate you forever for telling me this today, of all days. Are you dead certain you won't come and get me and my friends backstage?"
I paused and looked down at my hands. "Believe me, I'm the last person Jaxson Blue wants to see tonight."
*****
When Angel finally left for the show, the apartment was finally quiet. I had just taped shut the last box in my bedroom when my cell phone buzzed so loudly I almost had a heart attack.
When I saw the caller ID, I looked at the time. 10:20 p.m. I couldn't help but smile. "Hey, Dad, you had better not be calling me on your honeymoon!"
My dad's familiar rumble sounded more relaxed than I had ever heard him. A month in Bora Bora with your soulmate would do that, I guess. "Just landed at JFK, actually," he said. "Thought we might be able to swing by and see my baby girl."
I had to shake my head at his impeccable timing "Dad, I don't actually have a place anymore. I'm moving out as we speak."
"You're what?"
"Moving out."
My dad was silent for a moment. Then he grunted in affirmation. "Ah. Okay. Where're you headed?"
I grinned even wider. "I'll fill you in once I have all the details," I told him, suddenly eager to pick his brain about life on the road. "Maybe I could meet you for dinner in Queens, or something?"
I heard him mumble something, and then the sounds of a slight scuffle. Annie's voice suddenly filled my ear. "Lily! You're going to see Jax tonight, right? We can go out afterward."
"I'm... not going to this show. No," I faltered.
She held her silence a beat longer than necessary. Just long enough for my heart to sink into my stomach. "He had three shows in New York," she said frostily.
"I know."
"What the hell happened with you two?"
My heart leapt into my throat. "What?!"
She huffed and must have moved to a quieter part of the airport because suddenly her voice was as clear as if she were standing right in the room with me, her voice ringing in my ear. "It's clear you love him. Why did you leave?"
As my brain still stumbled to process what Annie had just said, my dad snatched the phone back from his wife. "You two got a good thing. Take it from a guy who spent his whole life runnin' away from what's good, Liliana."
"You're not runnin' anywhere now, old man," I heard Annie drawl in the background.
"Not until you give me back my balls," my dad growled back at her, earning a round of her rich, smoky laughter. He got back on the phone with me. "Every father wishes this sort of thing for his daughter."
My mind simply refused to process what I was hearing. "...this... sort of thing?"
"I saw the way he looked at you while you were dancing at the reception. And Lily, maybe I don't deserve to have wishes for you after being absent from your life so long. But the best a father can hope for his daughter is that she ends up with a guy that looks at her like that. Like she's the only thing in the world."
"You knew?" I bleated.
My Dad growled. "I may be an old road dog. I've abused my brain with too much booze, and I don't hear too good from too much rock and roll. But my eyes still work just fine. And I can see that you love him." He hesitated. "Why, I have no idea... ow." I could hear Annie smacking him and laughed through the freely flowing tears. "Okay, he's a smug little shit, but you bring out the best in him. And he makes you happy. I'm not ever going to stand in the way of that again."
The sounds of the Annie grabbing for the phone filled my ear. "I've already talked with my publicist about it. We can spin it. He's already working the dark and edgy thing. My guess is this only adds to his career." She paused. "If that's what you were worried about."
"That was... part of it."
"Honey, we all got rock and roll in our blood. It's our job to shake things up, be the bad guys. Hell, scandal is my middle name."
I stammered something that sounded vaguely like speech as she continued. "I'll be proud to call you my daughter, Lily. Guess this'd make you doubly so."
"Holy shit," I whispered.
"Yeah?" Annie sounded downright eager.
I didn't know what else to say, so I said the only thing that sprung to mind. "I have to go."
Chapter Forty-One
Jax
There was a certain point in the night when the music seemed to flow through me. It had happened at every show we'd played on this month-long mini-tour and it was happening again tonight.
We were a cohesive unit now. I hadn't touched the bottle since the night with Lily. I had been focused and determined, even deigning to take direction in spite of it ruining my cocky reputation. But it was helping. Even Banks seemed to be enjoying himself at his bank of keyb
oards.
I moved my head and Casper stepped forward, launching seamlessly into the guitar solo as the lights angled out into the crowd, lighting up the sea of rapt faces staring back at us. I lifted my fingers and Talon's bass drum kicked in and then suddenly we all crashed together into the bridge
It was electric. It was wild. It was everything I had ever wanted it to be.
"Said she was my sister/Caught up in a twister ..." Casper's last note blended seamlessly into mine. I held it as long as I could, screaming out the longing in the lyrics I had written during those fevered three days. They barely seemed like my words anymore. They were a snapshot in time, a moment with Lily I had lost forever.
"One-two-three-four!" I roared into the mic, bringing us straight into the last song before the encore. "Hey there, stubborn little girl/Wanna show you all the world/But first, you gotta open up your door ..." The song hadn't even dropped twenty-four hours ago, but somehow, these people already knew all of the words to "Slam." They were saying it was bound to be an even bigger hit than "Cocky."
"Slam the door/Go on and give me more/Slam the door/On me."
"Thank you, and good night!" We made our bows and bounded off the stage to thunderous applause. I ran backstage and grabbed the towel my assistant had at the ready. The roar of the crowd shook the whole stadium, reaching up to the rafters. "Jax, Jax, Jax!"
I nodded at the guys. "Encore's 'Cocky,' of course. Give 'em what they came for. But let's do it the new way we rehearsed. Everyone good?"
Four heads nodded in unison. "Sorry, Banksy," I teased. "I know how much you hate that song."
"It's grown on me," the keyboardist sighed.
If I wasn't already as high as a kite with the adrenaline of the show, I would have crowed out loud over that admission. Instead I just nodded. "Thanks, man."
"No problem." he grumbled.
Well, shit. It took long enough but Banks had finally succumbed to my charms.
They all do, eventually.
Except one. The one that mattered most of all.
"Okay," I said, rubbing my hands together. "Let's get out there before they tear this whole place down."
"Yo, Jax?" Diggs called from the backstage entrance. "Can I grab a word?
"Kinda shitty timing, dude." I would never admit how much I liked having my mother's road team working for me now. They were old farts, but they knew their shit backwards and forwards. Only problem was when they got a bit too familiar. Like right now. "Can it wait?"
I saw a brown, silky head moving behind him. My body was reacting even before I could process it into speech. "Not really no." Diggs smiled ruefully. "She's never been good at that."
"Jax!" Liliana called from behind him. "Jax, please!"
I didn't hesitate. I nodded and Bash lifted his arm, sending Liliana careening into my arms. She was already babbling, her breath hitching, barely understandable over the roar of the impatient crowd. "I finally realized... My dad doesn't care, Annie doesn't care, but none of that matters, because I don't care either." She pulled my face down to her level, pressing our foreheads together. I closed my eyes in sheer bliss at having her skin against mine once again. "Do you hear me, Jax? I don't give a fuck about society or propriety. I love you, and that's the only thing that matters."
Chapter Forty-Two
Liliana
It pays to have friends. The right people in the right places ...
At first, security was ready to throw me out. One more girl in a line of screaming girls, I completely understood. My demands that they call Jax, call Annie, call Casper, any of the guys in the band, they all fell on deaf ears.
Until Greg Fingers walked by.
"Bit?" He sounded stoned as usual, blinking at me slowly, like a turtle.
"Greg! Tell them to let me backstage! I need to talk to Jax!"
"What the heck are you doing over there, Bit?" Greg was still blinking and I bit my lip in frustration. "Ain't you supposed to be here with us?"
"Yes!" I exploded. "Tell them to let me backstage!"
Greg nodded in slow motion, then tapped the security guard's shoulder and gestured toward me. The guard shook his head and crossed his arms firmly over his chest and I nearly exploded inside. I was ready to call the police, the National Guard. This was clearly a matter of life and death.
I was actually reaching for my cell phone, ready to call I-don't-know-who to help me, when the guard finally gestured curtly and I felt myself lifted over the crowd barrier. "Thank you!" I screamed, kissing Greg on the cheek, then turning and planting an impetuous one on the guard's cheek, as well.
But once I was backstage, I froze. I was adrift in a sea of strangers that ignored me completely. Jax was still on stage. I had no way of getting to him without help.
"Diggs!" I screamed when I saw his familiar, wonderful face.
"Lily?" He turned and stared at me like I had appeared out of thin air. Which I guess I had.
"Please, Diggs. I need to talk to Jax."
His mouth twitched. "Finally figured it out, huh?"
"Goddammit, did everyone know?"
Diggs looked thoughtful. "Pretty sure Greg Fingers is still piecing everything together, but he'll get there."
I rocked onto my toes. "I'll be mortified later. Right now, I need to talk to him. Can you help me?"
Diggs' eyes crinkled. "Yeah, Lil. I think I can."
He let me right to the end of the hall. "Can't let you past here, not just yet."
I grimaced and clenched my fists. In the adrenaline of getting here, I hadn't considered ever getting this far. Once I saw Jax, what in the world would I say?
I didn't have long to think. He came striding off stage, a towel slung around his bare, glistening torso. His eye makeup had pooled under his eyes, making the blue otherworldly.
He nodded in the direction of his assistant, laughed at something his guitarist said, then gave some directions for the encore. Watching him back here was almost as mesmerizing as seeing him onstage. He was completely in his element, completely confident.
Not cocky. Confident.
My heart nearly burst with pride.
"Jax!" I called. "Jax, please!"
When he came to me, I babbled something, the first things that came to my mind. They barely made sense as I stammered, but when I saw the confusion in his eyes turn to something deeper, I knew they were the right things to say. The things I should have been saying all along. "I don't care. I love you."
Jaxson pressed his palm to my cheek and closed his eyes. He inhaled sharply, then let it out in a slow exhale.
"I love you too. I don't care who knows it. Come with me."
Then he took my hand and led me out on to the stage.
I squeezed my eyes shut against the blinding lights. The roaring of the crowd filled my ears. I had to place all of my trust in Jax to steer me where he wanted me to go.
He never let go of my hand.
"I've got something special for you all tonight." His voice boomed into the mic. The wild cheering seemed to go on endlessly. I opened my eyes and looked out at the crowd and felt woozy. The sea of people seemed to go on for miles and miles and ...
Jax bent down to me and gently turned my head. The minute I saw those electric blue eyes, I felt my heart rate return to normal. He nodded slightly and then stood up again. "Ladies and gentleman, tonight I'm going to clear up a mystery. Standing here on stage with me tonight is the only woman I've ever loved. Let's have a big round of applause for the woman that brought you 'Cocky.' " He paused to let the wave of applause wash over us. "She's here with me now. My Lil Bit."
Chapter Forty-Three
Jax
The next day we flew out of New York to begin the European leg of the tour. Of course, I brought my Bit with me. But I made one important stop before we left.
The lights of Paris blinked outside the hotel window as Bit stretched out on the massive king-sized bed, scrolling through the gossip sites with an amused smile on her face.
"Appare
ntly, you are a dangerously sexy bad boy, but I am some sort of perverted gold-digger."
"Wait, you're not?" I grinned.
"Ass. Oh wait, this one calls me your smut-slinging stepsister. I like the alliteration there." She poked her tongue into the corner of her mouth as she scrolled to the next article. "Apparently this whole story lends itself to alliteration. Sordid Step Scandal. Nice."
I smiled and pulled the small, velvet box from its hiding place and plopped myself down onto the bed next to her. She was so engrossed in our press that it took her a moment to notice what I was holding. But when she finally did, her reaction was worth waiting for. Her eyes went wide, her lips parted, and the most amazing flush spread across her cheeks. I had planned on saying something flowery, a poetic declaration of my undying love and all that shit, but when I saw the way her breasts began to rise and fall as her breath came faster, my mind went completely blank of what I had prepared. Instead I said exactly what I was thinking.
"Well, if they think this is a scandal, wait 'til they see you wearing this."
I slid the narrow band onto her elfin finger. It fit perfectly.
Lily stared at it, the sparkle of the diamond reflecting in her wide eyes.
Then she looked at me. "Wait... you're not even going to ask me to marry you before you put it on my finger?"
"Do I have to?"
She rolled her eyes. "Oh my God, you are so fucking cocky ..."
I grabbed her hand, loving the way the ring felt under my fingertips. "You make me cocky, Bit. It's you. The way you look at me, the way you make me feel. When I'm with you, I feel like I have everything." I tipped her chin up to brush her lips with mine. "I thought you'd know that by now."
She blinked. Exhaled. "We're so young."
"I don't need to keep looking for what I already have."
"So cocky ..." She trailed off when she saw me raise my eyebrows. "Don't even say it," she admonished me, before wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me to down to her lips.
