‘Sod the bus. It’s too cold for standing at a bus stop in this weather.’ He flagged down a black cab and we jumped inside.
I sat down on the seat beside him and looked out as the city took on a new, wintry look, a frosting of white gathering on the car roofs and postboxes.
‘I’ve never actually been in a black cab before,’ I confessed, turning to him.
‘You’re kidding,’ he smiled. ‘Never?’
‘Not once. When Lila and I first got here we were scrimping and saving. I kind of prided myself on getting to know the bus routes so well.’
‘Not even at work, though?’ he asked.
I shook my head. ‘Come on, Josh. We both know I was way too junior to be expensing things like that.’
‘Well, here we are,’ he said, his eyes creasing as he smiled. ‘I feel kind of honoured to be sharing it with you.’
We watched the city, the excited rush and bustle of people trying to shelter from the weather, and hurrying home with bags of Christmas shopping. We sat in companionable silence, until the taxi pulled up near to the Royal Opera House.
Josh and I walked up the steps and in through the main entrance, and I felt a wave of nerves.
‘You’re crossing your fingers,’ he said, glancing down at my hand.
I smiled, as I saw he was right. It had been unconscious.
‘For Lila?’
‘Yes. For Lila.’
I didn’t need to, of course. Lila’s performance was exquisite – and it wasn’t down to silently wishing her luck – it was because she was dedicated and brilliant at what she did. Watching her glide across the stage, I felt a swell of pride. That was my sister up there – the girl I’d grown up with, shared almost every special moment of my life with. And now she was a star.
Lila didn’t need my help any more. She didn’t need saving. She didn’t need anyone’s help at all. She was going to be just fine.
I was conscious of Josh’s presence beside me. Feeling relaxed, and calm in his company, and delighting in the way he enjoyed the show, and the surroundings. I was glad he’d asked to come. I imagined the empty seat that would have been next to me, and was glad that it was filled by him.
When the show drew to a close, and the performers came to take a bow, Josh and I filed out into the foyer with the rest of the audience. ‘Drink?’ he said.
‘Yes,’ I answered. ‘But let’s have one backstage.’ I smiled at him mischievously, and led him around to the stage door.
Lila met us there, like we’d agreed, and led us through into her dressing room. ‘I’m so glad you came,’ she squealed. ‘And who’s this?’ she asked. Her eyes were bright, intrigued.
‘This is Josh,’ I said, introducing them. I needed to dispel the misunderstanding right away, because things were starting to feel weird. ‘I’m his . . . well, we’re friends.’
‘Hazel’s my wedding planner,’ Josh said simply.
Lila nodded. He probably didn’t notice the subtly raised eyebrow, which I knew was directed at me, Lila’s trademark expression of suspicion and/or disbelief.
‘Anything to drink back here?’ I asked. I realised my error immediately. Surrounded by ballerinas . . . it was looking a little unlikely now.
‘No,’ Lila said, her face breaking into a smile. ‘Get me out of here,’ she whispered. ‘Because that was the last performance of the week for me, and I could really do with one.’
We met Ollie at a pub around the corner, and I ordered in mulled wine for us all.
‘So, what did you think of the show?’ Ollie asked.
‘It was brilliant,’ Josh answered. ‘I don’t know much about ballet, I have to admit, but I thought it was great.’
‘I’m with you there,’ Ollie said. ‘I didn’t have a clue about it before I got together with Lila, but she’s totally sold me on it. I’ve already seen her in this one twice, and I must’ve seen her practising it in our bedroom over a hundred times. I don’t think I could get tired of it.’
‘Thanks, guys,’ Lila said. ‘I appreciate the support. I don’t know what I’ll do when this is all over. With the wedding, then this – this year’s all been a bit of a dream, really.’
‘Of course, your wedding,’ Josh said, ‘Hazel mentioned that to me – congratulations.’
‘Thanks,’ Ollie said. ‘Best day of my life. And you’re in wonderfully safe hands with Hazel in charge of yours, I promise you that.’
‘She’s been fantastic. Dealt with more than one drama and kept us both calm, which has probably been the most important thing.’
‘Where’s the wedding going to be?’ Ollie asked.
‘Cuba,’ Josh said, ‘on the beach.’
‘Oh fantastic,’ Ollie said. ‘Great way of escaping all those troublesome family members and friends, eh.’
‘Yes.’ I still saw it there, the tug of conflicting emotions in Josh’s eyes. ‘Just a select few there on the day. That’s how we wanted it.’
‘You’ll be the only ones in London with a tan in January,’ Lila said. ‘Lucky things.’
‘You going too, Hazel?’ Ollie asked.
I shook my head. ‘No. My job will be done by then.’
That evening, Josh walked me home. Amber had texted to say she’d be staying at her parents’ house overnight, so the flat was empty.
‘Do want to come upstairs for a drink?’ I asked.
‘Sure,’ he said. ‘Why not?’
I poured us out a glass of wine each, then excused myself to go to the bathroom.
Once in there, I gave myself a very stern look in the mirror. I would design a brilliant, inspiring wedding for these two, just as if they were any other clients.
I had to keep this friendly, and professional. It probably wasn’t my best idea inviting him back in the first place, but now he was here, I had to keep control.
I heard Josh’s voice as I emerged from the bathroom: ‘Wow.’
I looked towards the living room, but it was empty.
I stepped out into the hallway, and felt a rising sense of panic. I looked into my bedroom, one of the only places he could be. But he wouldn’t. Would he?
‘Sorry,’ he said, ducking his head out of my bedroom. ‘Crappiest manners ever. Apologies. Your alarm clock started going off and so I ducked in here to switch it off. Didn’t mean to snoop around. But Hazel—’ he took me by the hand and pulled me into the room. As he did so a shot of electricity bolted through me, and I felt a flush rise to my cheeks.
‘These are wonderful, Haze.’
I was confronted by my own sets – the ones I’d carefully constructed over the years, the tiny dolls’ houses that Sam had once mocked. I’d left my closet open. The flush in my face heated up until my ears were burning.
‘You shouldn’t have come in here,’ I said. ‘This stuff . . . it’s not . . . I mean it’s stupid. A stupid hobby . . .’
‘Don’t talk rubbish,’ Josh said, turning to me. ‘These are beautiful. These are some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. No wonder you were so good at work, and with weddings – you’ve been running people’s lives the whole time, here.’
I caught his eye, in spite of my slight embarrassment at how spot-on his comment was, and was rewarded by a genuine smile. ‘Hazel. These are wonderful. You’ve got what it takes to make it as a set designer, and you’ve been hiding your talent away for far too long.’
Josh left at midnight but I wasn’t tired. I picked up the folder of photos and started to look through it.
Josh and Sarah at their graduation.
Josh and Sarah with their families at Christmas.
Josh and Sarah on a summer picnic with friends.
Josh and Sarah, just together – their faces pressed together as they took the selfie.
What was I doing?
I was going to finish planning their wedding, professionally. Just as if being with Josh– I thought of his smile, and my heart lifted a little. Just as if being with Josh made me feel nothing at all.
Chapter 37
Two days later, Josh and I were at a café in town, the coffees between us completely untouched.
‘What do you mean, missing?’ I said.
‘She was due back from Berlin yesterday, but she never arrived. She hasn’t returned any of my calls, and now it seems like her phone’s off.’
‘Let me try it,’ I said. I picked up my mobile and called through to Sarah, but it went straight to answerphone. ‘Same thing here. Have you spoken to her family?’
‘Yes, I called her mum this morning, but she was typically laidback about the whole thing. She said Sarah’s a free bird, and I shouldn’t try and keep her caged, something like that.’ Josh said, shaking his head.
‘Well that’s all well and good provided she’s not in a ditch somewhere,’ I said. I saw the expression on Josh’s face and hurriedly tried to take the words back. ‘Sorry. I meant . . . Look, I’m sure she’s fine. She’s probably just working a few things out in her head right now. She wouldn’t be the first bride to need some space.’
‘You think she’s got cold feet?’ Josh said.
‘No.’ I wondered if it wouldn’t be better if I just kept quiet.
‘You do, don’t you?’ Josh bit his lip.
‘I have no idea. But obviously you have to find her.’
Josh called round Sarah’s friends and family, and I got us some flapjacks as we waited for news.
‘No one knows anything,’ Josh said. ‘But no one seems that worried either – which I suppose is something. I mean this is what she does, Haze. She disappears. I know that – I’ve always known that.’
I tried to ignore the thought that was nagging at me. Why, if you had Josh, would you ever want to disappear?
Josh went home eventually. The next morning, he called by.
‘She’s back,’ he said, with a smile. ‘Sarah. She came back to our house at midnight last night.’
‘And she’s OK?’
‘She’s fine. Can I come in?’
‘Of course, take a seat,’ I got up and had a token attempt at tidying and hurriedly shoved some of the mounting paperwork on my desk to one side.
‘So what happened?’ I asked.
‘She panicked, apparently,’ Josh said, running a hand through his dark hair. He had dark circles under his eyes. ‘She said she had a picture of herself at the end of the aisle, and suddenly felt it wasn’t the right thing after all.’
‘What exactly wasn’t the right thing, marrying you?’ I said, realising I was feeling a little hopeful that the answer might be yes.
‘No . . . she says it wasn’t to do with me. It was getting married full stop. She’s got all these ideas about how once she’s settled she’ll never be able to do all the things she wanted to – go travelling, learn to read tarot cards . . .’
‘Tarot cards?’
‘I know . . .’ Josh squinted up at me, then rubbed his eyes. ‘I didn’t even know she was interested in that stuff. You haven’t got any coffee, have you?’
‘Of course,’ I said, getting to my feet and putting the kettle on. ‘Sorry. So I’m guessing you didn’t get much sleep last night then?’
‘Hardly any. We stayed up talking.’
‘And?’
‘I think we can work things out. I mean, everyone has last-minute nerves, don’t they? I’ve definitely had a few moments of wondering whether we’re doing the right thing . . . But you work through that, don’t you? And I guess that’s good preparation for being married – we’re going to have a lot of things to work through.’
‘Sure,’ I said, pouring the coffee and adding milk. I put a mini chocolate Yule log on his saucer and passed it to him.
‘I wish I was the right person to give you advice on married life – but I’m afraid I’m not.’
Josh shook his head. ‘No one really knows the answer, do they?’
‘So where do you two stand now?’ I asked.
‘We’re OK. So that’s why I really came by. To tell you everything is back on. Sarah and I are working through this hiccup, and we still want to have the wedding just as before. Thanks for being patient with us.’
‘Great,’ I said, with a smile. And it was, wasn’t it? Josh and Sarah, two of my clients, who loved each other very much, were going to tie the knot on a Caribbean beach, at a wedding they would remember for the rest of their lives. So why was I having to force this smile?
‘Great,’ Josh said. His brown eyes met mine and it was a while before he looked away.
Chapter 38
A week later, I met with Lila at her local bakery, the Sweet Tree.
‘How are Sarah and Josh?’
‘Fine, yes. Everything’s sorted. It’ll be the most fantastic Caribbean wedding ever. We had a bit of a hiccup when Sarah went AWOL, but she’s back now.’
‘A bit of a hiccup?’ Lila said. ‘Sounds like more than that. Are you sure everything’s OK?’
‘Yes. Josh said they’ve talked everything through and they’re surer than ever that this is what they want.’
‘Right,’ Lila said, unconvinced.
‘Although I guess I do wonder,’ I said. ‘I mean, if she was really that unsure about marrying him –’
Lila looked at me sternly. ‘Stop right there,’ she said.
‘What?’ I said, innocently.
‘My God, Hazel. You’ve got a crush on him, haven’t you?’
‘NO,’ I said, aghast. ‘No way. I haven’t.’
‘I thought that was what was going on,’ Lila said, shaking her head. ‘You actually want them to call off the wedding, don’t you?’
‘Of course not,’ I protested. ‘I just spent the morning making sure there would be rose petals on their bed in the honeymoon suite, and a private boat to take them out to the island hotel. Why would I do that, if I didn’t want them to get married?’
‘I don’t know. You tell me.’
Back at home, I opened the folder for forthcoming weddings, and there on the top were Josh and Sarah’s details. I felt a pull at my heart. I hadn’t heard from either of them for a while, so I could only assume that everything was going ahead as normal after Sarah’s brief wobble.
It nagged at me – that Lila was right. I missed Josh. I missed talking to him, missed joking with him. It was wrong. I knew that. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t happening.
I went out to the shops and called Josh’s mobile on the way. No answer. He must be busy. He hadn’t answered all week. But then . . . a gut feeling kicked in. Josh didn’t do this. He always picked up, even if it was just to say he’d call back later.
I tried him one more time, then called Sarah.
Chapter 39
Sarah came and met me at a café between our two flats. Her hair was swept up into a loose topknot, and she looked relaxed.
‘It’s over,’ she said bluntly.
‘What?’ I gasped.
‘Me and Josh. Finito.’ She gave a nonchalant little smile.
‘Are you serious? What happened?’
‘Oh I think it’s been coming for a while. We were burying our heads in the sand, both of us. I mean, surely you noticed that we couldn’t agree on a thing when it came to the wedding . . . hardly the most auspicious start to a life together, is it?’
‘I suppose,’ I said, hesitantly. ‘But lots of couples disagree on the details, it can be a very stressful time . . .’
‘Come on, Hazel. You know as well as me it wasn’t just a case of the details with us.’
‘Are you OK?’
‘I’ve never felt better,’ she said lightly.
‘You just decided, then?’
‘Yes. Woke up, looked over at the man on the pillow next to me – and well, you either know you’re meant to be together for ever, or you realise your relationship’s past its sell-by date. In our case it was the latter. You know – when you booked the wedding for us, all I could think was – this is a perfect holiday . . . but for someone else.’
‘Right,’ I said, still struggling a little to ta
ke it all in.
‘Don’t worry about the money,’ Sarah said, misreading my expression. ‘We know we’ve incurred some costs, and I’m happy to cover them, including your fee. Small price to pay really, if you think that we’ve just escaped a lifetime with the wrong person.’
Sarah got up to leave. She got as far as the door, then turned around. ‘And thanks, Hazel. I know this isn’t quite the way things were meant to turn out.’
I glanced across at her empty chair, and the full cup of coffee she’d left. She’d walked out of the café just the way I remember her arriving at our first meeting, in a swirl of coloured fabrics, her feet so light on the floor she could have been floating. The sparkle in her eye told me she was already past the point of no return.
Maybe some people were better on their own. She certainly seemed freer and happier than she had at any point while we’d been planning the wedding.
There was one thing I hadn’t asked. Josh was out there somewhere, alone – and quite possibly devastated. I had to find him.
I walked down to the canal, and back through the park. I continued to call Josh on my mobile, even though each time it rang through to voicemail. There was something comforting in hearing his voice, so calm and normal – and I wondered if the mood of that recorded message was even close to how he might be feeling now.
I didn’t know what Josh’s regular hang-outs were. But this park was where we had sometimes gone for lunch, which was as close to a starting point as I had here in the mist and tangle of the city.
I jumped a little as my phone buzzed with a message.
I looked up and saw a silhouetted figure just metres away. He was there. I picked up my pace and closed the distance between us.
I greeted him with a hug. ‘Found you.’
‘Sorry I didn’t pick up when you called.’
‘Don’t worry. I understand.’ I paused for a moment. ‘I spoke to Sarah this morning.’
‘Right,’ he said, his eyes downcast. ‘So you know.’
The Winter Wedding Page 18
