A sensitive lover who pays attention to what a partner does and behaves accordingly is always better than one who just does whatever the heck he or she wants. Duh.
You may find it difficult at first to work out when to breathe during kissing, but try to breathe normally and you should do just fine. If you’re really having a tough time, you can stop and start again in a few seconds or minutes. You can kiss a neck or earlobe in the meantime.
SNAP OF THE FINGER
Let’s not mince words: fresh breath is a necessity for good kissing. Floss, brush, use mouthwash regularly. If you eat a bunch of garlic or onions or other long-lasting, strong-smelling food, make sure the person you want to kiss eats it too or knows about it and isn’t grossed out. It’s okay to talk about breath. Really.
Speaking of necks and earlobes, those are great places to kiss. Cheeks, noses, and even eyelids are also popular, but generally it’s a good idea to do it once, gauge the reaction you get, and do it again only if you receive positive feedback. Or, depending on how comfy you are talking about it, you could just ask. As with lips, these areas should be kissed lightly and with only a reasonable amount of saliva involved.
SECRETS TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD
How much saliva is too much? Here’s a good rule of thumb: you shouldn’t need a towel at any point during the kissing process.
You might like to kiss other areas as well, such as collarbones, breasts, nipples, tummies, thighs, bottoms, genitals, legs, and feet. These are all great spots to kiss, and most folks like attention of varying degrees all over their bodies.
DON’T BE A JERK
You’d be hard-pressed to find a single person who likes a whole tongue shoved in his or her ear. It’s just not preferred. Don’t do it (unless someone asks specifically—and if that happens, please let us know; we’ve never heard of that as a preference).
As far as genital kissing goes, we’re filing that under “oral sex,” and it will be discussed a bit later in this part. For the other stuff, personal preference is really what it’s all about. Once you’re naked with another person, you should be able to talk to him or her about what parts of your body you like to have kissed and what parts you’d rather he or she avoid like the plague. Or you can show which ones you like and don’t through reactions. (These can be verbal or not; examples include “Yes! Yes! Yes!” and yanking your elbow away as your girlfriend French kisses it for all she’s worth.)
Speaking of nudity, that brings us to …
GETTING NAKED
Nudity with another person may really freak you out, or you may be an exhibitionist who loves to bare it all whenever possible—maybe you’re one of those oddballs who like to prance around the locker room in the altogether, making more modest folks uncomfortably avert their eyes. Perhaps you are comfortable not wearing clothes only with your significant other or can be fully relaxed while naked only in utter darkness. No matter what your feelings on nudity are, there’s no question that taking off all your clothing in the presence of another person and then fooling around with each other’s bodies is an intimate and personal thing to do. It ought to be. Here are some things to remember when you do it.
Everyone is different. We’re not saying everyone is beautiful, because that’s just not true. But everyone is different, and the person who is about to see you buck-naked may not even notice things you don’t like about your body. Just as the things you like about that person may be the things he or she hates the most. He may be uncircumcised and feel funny about it; she may have extra-large nipples and be embarrassed. But some women prefer uncut men, and some men think big nips are a huge turn-on. People are strange, and bodies are weird, imperfect things; we all have them, and we all have things we don’t like about our own. Remember this and be sensitive. Lots of times, whoever you’re with is thrilled just to see another person naked.
COMMUNICATION
Unless there have been visits to a plastic surgeon, you and your partner are working with what Mother Nature gave you. There is no proof anywhere that the size of a penis or breasts negatively affects sexual pleasure from a physiological standpoint. Sure, some folks may like the look of big knockers or a long, thick dick, but lots of people with tiny breasts and small penises enjoy wonderful, satisfying sex lives.
Regardless of common sense, scientific facts, and all the anecdotal evidence you can stand, there still may be insecurity issues involving penis and breast size. That’s normal. What’s not normal or healthy is letting those insecurities keep you from enjoying being naked and sexual with other people. If any of these problems exist, talk about them together. If that’s not enough, find a therapist to talk to. There is no reason to have unsatisfying sex, especially if it stems from feeling bad about your body, which can affect all kinds of aspects of your life. So sort it out and take it off!
EROGENOUS ZONES
We’re not going to give you an anatomy lesson here; that’s not why you’re reading this book. There are tons of other books out there you can read if you want to know about seminal vesicles or Bartholin’s glands. That said, though, there are some areas you should know about. Our bodies are rife with spots that love to be touched, that ache to be kissed. Some of these we can touch and maybe even kiss when we’re alone, but some are made to be enjoyed by another. Here’s brief rundown of our bodies’ hotspots, broken down into primary (i.e., sex organs) and secondary (i.e., areas that just feel nice when paid attention to).
STRETCHING THE TRUTH
The Gräfenberg spot, or G-spot, wasn’t named after the lucky soul who discovered its erotic potential—the seventeenth-century physician Regnier de Graaf—but after Ernst Gräfenberg, a mid-twentieth-century gynecologist who also reported this easily aroused zone.
Primary
The penis is the main one for a man, obviously, and in general it doesn’t need to be treated delicately. Most men touch themselves with a fair amount of pressure, but you can kiss and lick it gently or suck and stroke it roughly, and chances are, it won’t complain as long as you keep paying attention to it. The frenulum is particularly sensitive; it’s the area right under the head on the underside.
The clitoris is at the top of a woman’s vulva and is the only piece of human anatomy—male or female—that exists purely for pleasure. So use it! Women are pretty different when it comes to how hard or softly they can stand to be touched here, so start slowly.
Some folks say women’s orgasms originate in the vagina; some say they don’t. We say, Who cares? If you like having yours touched and penetrated during sex, then go for it. The G-spot is just inside the vagina, at the top, and some women claim that orgasms originating here are the most intense.
Nipples are sensitive for most women and for some men. Both may like theirs tugged or kissed, but it’s best to try it out and see before you make it part of your sexual repertoire.
Lots of men like their testicles played with, and lots play with them whenever they get the chance.
The labia majora and minora (the outer and inner lips of the vulva) are sensitive areas for a lot of women.
The perineum is the strip of skin between the scrotum and the anus, and lots of men and some women like to have theirs stroked. But proceed with caution, as it may be ticklish.
Some people may like a finger or tongue in the anus, and some may not.
LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT
Butt play is often considered taboo, so it might be good to approach the subject (or the ass) tentatively—at least until you’ve tested the waters and are sure the backdoor is open and ready for visitors.
Secondary
The mouth, lips, and tongue are all very sensitive; see above on kissing.
Most people, male and female, like to have the neck stroked and kissed—and even gently sucked—during foreplay and sex. Steer clear of sucking so hard that you break blood vessels and dark bruiselike marks appear, though: Unless they have a fetish or enjoy wearing turtlenecks even in the summer, most people aren’t fans of hickeys.
/> Both sexes seem to agree that little kisses and licks around the ears and earlobes are nice.
The shoulders are a great area to stroke and kiss—some people find this to be one of the most erotic spots on their bodies and get pretty worked up when they’re rubbed or kissed here.
Women and men alike sometimes enjoy being kissed or licked in their armpits, but be cautious: tickling may ensue.
Stroking or licking the inner thighs is a winning move when taking a break from the rigors of oral sex.
Lots of folks enjoy having their feet and toes kissed, sucked, or rubbed. But for all those who love it, there are probably an equal number who can’t stand it as a result of ticklishness. As with everything, a partner’s personal preference should rule.
Some may enjoy a kiss or lick on or around their belly buttons.
Finally, perhaps the most important erogenous zone for men and women is … the brain. That’s right; if the mind’s not into it, it won’t be any good. So use your head when you get naked with someone. You may lose your head at some point, but make sure your brain agrees with your genitals or you may end up getting screwed.
BARE FACTS
Pretty much everyone loves a massage, and rubbing the back of a person you’d like to have sex with is often a surefire way to get him or her relaxed and in the mood. It’s also a great way to start off an evening of nakedness.
TOUCHING EACH OTHER
Men and women are different. Whoa! What a revelation, right? Yeah, but sometimes the differences are subtle, such as how much one or the other likes to drink beer or wine or read books about the Civil War, and sometimes the differences are huge, night-and-day disparities such as how hard one or the other likes to be touched in an intimate way.
SNAP OF THE FINGER
A good rule of thumb, as it were: don’t touch a partner of the opposite sex the way you touch yourself. It’s just not the same.
Generally men are fairly rough with themselves, grasping their penises firmly and moving their hands up and down quickly, using strong pressure. In contrast, women usually can barely stand for their clitorises to be touched, and certainly not until they’re very aroused. Some like stronger pressure as they get close to orgasm, and some like only the area around the clitoris to be touched and can’t stand having the bud touched directly at all.
This is a general rule, but as always, when it comes to specifics, ask your partner how he or she likes to be touched or how he or she masturbates or follow nonverbal clues. If your partner is the same sex as you, you have a leg up, as it were. But you should still ask, since personal preference always varies.
IT’S GETTING HOT IN HERE
So far, things are progressing nicely. You’re touching each other’s naked bodies and planting some well-placed kisses. So what’s going on with your body now that things are heating up? Read on.
For the Ladies
After a woman has been fooling around with someone for a while, she’ll start to notice that some outward physical things about herself have changed in addition to the tingly good feelings she’ll be having all over her body, in particular between her legs. As she starts to get aroused, a woman may notice shortness of breath, or the skin on her chest and face may start to get a little pink. That’s called sex flush, and it’s more common in women than in men, and it’s cute! So don’t worry, you don’t have a rash. Her breasts may swell slightly, too.
SECRET TIP
If a sex flush doesn’t go away soon after sex, you may indeed have a rash. Seek treatment if that’s the case.
A woman will also notice her lady parts feeling kind of squishy the more turned on she gets. This extra vaginal lubrication is caused by blood pooling in that area and serves two purposes:
1. It helps increase the possibility of getting knocked up.
2. It increases the enjoyment of sex.
We’re mostly concerned with that second one because that’s what this book is about.
BARE FACTS
If you want information on the first point above, get yourself a different book. (Perhaps The Big Bad Ass Book of Babies is forthcoming.) If you don’t want information on the first point, make sure you’re using protection.
Slipperiness makes sex feel better and makes it easier for a penis or another something to be inserted into a vagina. The added wetness also makes thrusting feel good. Think about it: All that thrusting would make for lots of friction—the unpleasant kind—without some lubrication going on in there.
Level of arousal is not always innately tied to how wet a woman gets. The amount of natural lube a woman produces as she gets turned on varies from woman to woman as well as in a specific woman depending on the stage of her monthly cycle she is in. Generally speaking, the more the better, but sometimes there may not be enough. This could be for any number of reasons, including but not limited to these:
She is going through menopause.
She’s tired, stressed out, or not in the mood.
Her natural lube isn’t flowing as a result of the time of the month.
LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT
The important thing to note here is that the reason for lack of natural lube is not always and doesn’t ever have to be “She doesn’t like what I’m doing” or “I don’t turn her on.”
Regardless of the reason, if dryness is something that happens from time to time, use a synthetic lubricant. If it’s something that happens all the time, ask your gynecologist what’s going on. But for God’s sake, don’t ignore it and have sex dry. It won’t feel nice, and what’s more, it probably will hurt. It’s just not worth it when there are simple solutions to the problem.
For the Gentlemen
As a man gets turned on, he’ll have the same shortness of breath as his female counterpart. He may even experience sex flush, though it’s less common in men. The main one we all know about, though, is that his penis will fill with blood and harden, all the better to penetrate an orifice.
These days, it’s almost impossible to get away from talk of erectile dysfunction. Seriously, people talk about it all the time. Imagine if they talked about vaginal dryness as often; imagine the commercials and products and medications and then the commercial spoofs and endless snickering. Okay, perhaps this is one instance where male-centrism works in favor of women.
This is all just to say that a lot of people talk about men not being able to get it up, but not a lot talk about why that is. It could be for any one of many reasons, including but not limited to these:
He is tired, stressed out, not in the mood, or preoccupied with something else.
He is nervous or has performance anxiety.
He had an orgasm within the last hour or couple of hours.
His spine is injured.
He has another type of injury.
Again, the important thing to note here is that the reason is probably not “I don’t turn him on” or “He thinks my technique is amateurish.”
SECRET TIP
The occasional inability to get an erection is not the end of the world. It really does happen to most guys at one time or another, and it often has very little to do with the sexual situation they find themselves in at that moment. The one instance in which this may not be the case is when he’s tense about pleasing another person and has performance anxiety, which can create a feedback loop of insecurity and inability to get hard.
Because ideas of manliness and the ability to please a woman are so often innately linked with erectile ability in men’s—and yes, even women’s—minds, the occasional flaccid penis really can do a number on a man’s self-esteem and self-worth. But it doesn’t have to if everyone remembers that a man can be manly even if he has a soft penis sometimes (because they all do at one time or another, and thank goodness; imagine all hard dicks all the time!). Or that it’s possible for a man to please a woman and make her come even if his dick never makes an appearance. Or that often, if his penis stays soft, it has nothing to do with what she’s doing or not doing. In short
, it happens, it doesn’t have to be made into a federal case, and you probably don’t need to rush to your doctor demanding Viagra. Talk about it with your partner and move on.
However, if it happens all the time, that’s impotence, and that is a sign of a more serious physiological or psychological problem. See a doctor if this is the case.
LET’S DO IT
You’re physically and mentally ready—ready for the good stuff. Now you’re confronted with a wonderful, varied, and perhaps slightly daunting array of fun things to do with yourself and another person’s body. So many choices! How do you decide? Well, let’s talk about them so you can make an informed decision.
In terms of all the things you can do that will make you feel good and make your partner feel good and will, generally speaking, lead to an orgasm for one or both of you, there are the following basic categories:
Frottage, or dry humping
Mutual masturbation
Oral sex
Vaginal sex
Anal sex
Teenagers who are just learning about what feels good to them often practice frottage, and rubbing against another person does feel pretty good.
Mutual masturbation is touching yourself while your partner touches himself or herself—and you might touch each other, too—without having intercourse. It is often practiced by couples who are concerned about the risk of disease or pregnancy that accompanies penetrative sex.
Fellatio and cunnilingus are the two types of oral sex, and both involve mouth-to-genital contact. Folks think it feels good, and that’s the main reason it’s done, though some couples probably benefit from the fact that oral sex offers no risk of unwanted pregnancy.
Big Bad Ass Book of Sex Page 5
