by Susan Vail
Bethany was horrified. Those poor children, she thought.
“Does it hurt?” she had asked her mother?
“Does what hurt?” her mother asked confused.
“When it sucks away their life?” Bethany answered with big eyes.
“That’s the worst part,” her mother answered, bending over to look Bethany right in the eye. “It tricks them into thinking they like it.”
Bethany sighed as she watched the blinking light in the darkness. Even though her mother told her that story almost 15 years ago it really stuck with her. That’s how her mother dealt with everything– with fear. Every lesson Bethany had been taught in her life had been through fear. Fear boys, fear men even more. Animals? They can kick you hard enough to stop your heart. Puppies? They have worms and they will get in your stomach and take up residence quicker than you can ask God to protect you. You are never safe, never protected, so never let your guard down, never trust, and never believe that anyone is on your side.
Bethany closed her eyes and a hot tear slid down her cheek. She used to believe all of that, and some of it she still did. But in the almost twenty years of her life the only thing that had ever hurt her, ever scarred her, was her mother.
Growing up she had watched other Amish mothers with their children and she was confused. They were loving and kind, scolding them when they did wrong but also giving them the freedom to run and play.
One afternoon when Bethany was younger she decided to lightly bring up the subject to her mother who was working in the kitchen. She knew she had to be respectful when approaching this topic with her mother. She didn’t want to offend her or to offend God himself by questioning her.
“Maemm,” she asked quietly. “Have you noticed how the other mothers treat their children, letting them play in the fields, letting them go on little adventures…” She stopped there, thinking of her own little adventures she’d go on if she were allowed.
“Oh jah”, her mother said with a shake of her head and a tsk tsk sound to her voice. “It’s sinful. ‘Idle hands are the devil’s workshop,’” her mom said, quoting Proverbs. “Those children do nothing but get themselves into trouble. Their parents will pay for it one day.” Her mother again quoted proverbs “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”
Bethany looked down at her feet while her mom continued. “There is much evil in this world Bethany. It hides in plain sight, ready to snatch you up when you least expect it. Always be watchful.”
Bethany thought over her mother’s words and how many of them came from the Bible itself. She had read them herself many times. She walked away from her mother feeling both foolish for not coming to this conclusion on her own and also motivated to make sure that her and her peers would do better to stay on the straight and narrow.
She began to take it upon herself to warn or scold those around her when she saw them doing something wrong or dangerous. When her cousins had climbed down a large well because they were curious to see what was at the bottom she ran to tell her aunt. When her aunt laughed it away as “boys being boys” Bethany made sure to tell them herself how dangerous it was.
When those same boys decided to ride a bull in their early teenage years she had learned to skip the trip to their parents and scold them herself.
And she didn’t care when a group of kids laughed at her after giving them a very long speech on the likelihood of them catching pneumonia after playing in the rain. “Do you want to die?” she had asked them sternly.
But now, in her bed all these years later, she felt silly for all of her speeches, and, worse yet, she felt guilty for spreading the fear.
Her fear had paralyzed her. She was almost twenty years old and didn’t have a single prospect for marriage. The truth was she didn’t want to get married, to be bound to someone for life. What if they changed after marriage? What if they seemed nice at first but it was all in deception and the truth came out after they were married. What if she changed?
But really it was more than that. She stared at that blinking light every night and she knew that it sat at the edge of Fairfield, a community of English men and woman who were not tied to the same rules and regulations that she was. They had something she felt like she desperately needed – freedom.
The antennae was the only thing that separated her world from theirs and it called to her every night, reminding her how close a different way of life really was.
She rolled over in her small bed. Could she do it? Could she leave her community and start her life over somewhere else. For a moment she thought she could. Excitement began to build as she thought about getting a job, maybe even as a waitress at the little Amish restaurant in town. She knew the owners, a very kind Amish family that lived a couple of miles down the road from her. Surely they would give her a job and pay her well. She could find a little apartment and keep it neat and tidy.
Then, somewhere in the back of her mind, she heard the voice of her mother.
“You can’t trust the Englisch, they’ll take advantage of you the second they can.”
“You barely have enough skills to survive day to day living here with me. You wouldn’t last a day out there!”
And then there were the talks about how violent the English were - how they kidnap and kill and rob. Her mother had made them all out to be monsters and Bethany didn’t know what to believe anymore.
A year or two ago she would’ve prayed and asked God to help her make the right decision, to be able to see clearly and to have wisdom. But now, thanks to her mother’s frequent “fear God” lectures she didn’t really know who He was anymore. She once thought of him as her loving heavenly father who watched over her and only wanted good and wonderful things for her. But now she felt like he watched her from a far, waiting for any chance to catch her and punish her.
She turned back to the blinking light. “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered to it. “I don’t feel like I have the strength to go or to stay. And I feel so alone.”
She took comfort knowing that tomorrow night the light would still be there, reminding her that things could be different and that change, should she choose it, wasn’t that far away.
*****
Get the rest of the book on Amazon:
fairfieldamishromance.com/the-decision-amazon
Appendix: Amish Vernacular
Many Amish speak a combination of English, Pennsylvania Dutch, and German. It is common for Pennsylvania Dutch or German words to be mixed in with predominantly English sentences. Each community, and indeed each individual, will use differing levels of English. Even the Pennsylvania Dutch and German words vary from community to community. Below is a guide to some common words spoken by the Amish in my fictional Fairfield County.
Ach - Oh
Amisch – Amish
Biewel – Bible
Boppli – Baby
Bruder - Brother
Daed – Dad
Denke – Thank You
Dochder – Daughter
Englisch – English
Gott - God
Gut – Good
Haus – House
Jah – Yes
Kaffe – Coffee
Kapp – Cap (typically a prayer kapp)
Maemm – Mom
Mammi - Grandma
Mei – My
Naett – Not
Neh – No
Schweschder – Sister
Wunderbaar – Wonderful
hare
