by Lynn Kelling
“I’m sorry,” Luka professed, choking on the words. “I just couldn’t stand to see you hurting anymore. It was killing me. I didn’t mean to do anything to hurt Bren or Alek. I really didn’t.”
Evan made a soft sound and tilted his chin up, combing his fingers back through Luka’s damp, tangled hair, opening for him like a flower as they fell into a kiss.
“We can do this,” Luka resolved. “We’ll tell them. We have to be honest. And no matter what—whatever happens—I will not abandon you, okay? I won’t give you up. I need you.”
“Luka,” Evan sighed. It shifted into a moan as Luka claimed Evan’s mouth yet again, while lifting him up. He hooked his hands under Evan’s legs, which wound readily around Luka’s waist. Luka held him, worshiped him like a treasure, uniquely special all on his own, stealing his heart away.
Chapter 8
Splintered
Luka and Evan lingered beside Luka’s truck in the driveway of Evan and Brennan’s house, knowing Alek and Brennan were inside, as they had been asked to be. After ignoring numerous calls from both Alek and Brennan all day long, Luka had finally called them back an hour earlier, requesting they all meet because they needed to talk.
The autumn sunset lit the heavens with purples, pinks and burnt oranges, streaked with thin, insubstantial remnants of clouds. Luka held Evan’s wind-chilled face in both of his warm hands, tracing with the pads of his fingertips the contours of his cheekbones, lips, and the delicate skin under his bright, beautiful eyes. They were ringed with faint dark circles brought by Evan’s fits of weeping, his insomnia and the strain of his ill health. The gravel from the driveway crunched under their heels as they shifted in place. Crickets called to each other from the grass. Bats swooped through the gathering dusk. There was a brisk, biting coldness in the air, seeping under their skin, drawing them closer together in search of warmth.
“Don’t say it,” Evan said plaintively. His hands wrapped Luka’s arms, grasping tightly like they were the only thing connecting him to sanity. Closing his eyes, Evan seemed to gradually relax thanks to Luka’s delicate, explorative touches, but the furrow in his brow stubbornly remained. “Don’t say it. You don’t mean it. You don’t. We just screwed around. It didn’t mean anything. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”
“I’m in love with you. I think I’ve been falling in love with you since I met you; I just didn’t realize it.”
Evan’s expression crumpled. His full lips drew back as he sucked in a rough breath, burying his face in Luka’s chest, holding his breath. His hands twisted in Luka’s shirt. His parted lips dragged over the cotton fabric covering Luka’s broad chest which Evan had spent most of the day lying against, as they covered each other with kisses and love bites.
“How am I supposed to do this? I can’t do this to them.”
“Do you love them any less? Hmm? Do you?”
“No. Of course not.”
“Then it’ll be okay.”
“I want to believe you but it sounds like a lie. Because all I want right now is for you to take me the hell out of here and go far, far away where no one can find us and we can be together and nothing else matters. I don’t want to hurt them like this.”
“It’s not a lie,” Luka said gently, sweetly, tilting Evan’s face up with a finger hooked under his chin, pleading with his eyes. “Running away won’t help anything. You’ll just feel more miserable about it and miss them. I’ll handle it. Okay? If you don’t want to say anything, you don’t have to. Just being there and facing them will help. We’ve been over this. We know the plan. We just need to do it. Face it. Man up.”
Evan nodded, gathering courage. “Okay.”
Luka took two steps towards the building before Evan caught his hand and held him there for one more moment. Dropping his head when Luka looked back at him, Evan chewed on his lip and said in a choked, rough voice, “I do love you. I love you.”
Luka sighed, clutching Evan to him one last time.
Somehow they made it inside, going through the back door and the kitchen, into the living room. Alek and Brennan were there. They immediately seemed to spot the dark circles Evan knew were under his badly bloodshot eyes, the too-pale hue of his skin as fear made his blood drain away, and the undiluted misery in his expression. It visibly stirred panic in them, which was only intensified when Evan also couldn’t meet their gazes. He stared right at the floor, hovering near Luka but careful not to actually touch him. With his arms wound tightly around himself, Evan sank onto the couch, bouncing a knee restlessly, curling forward and biting hard at the insides of his cheeks.
His expression grave, Luka nervously tucked his hair behind his ears and sat beside Evan, weaving his fingers together and resting his forearms on his knees. They didn’t say a word—not even hello. Brennan was seated in the large, stuffed chair, his right leg curled back to his chest. Alek was standing and pacing back and forth, wearing a pair of carefully pressed trousers and an unbuttoned dress-shirt, with a white t-shirt underneath. His hair was combed slickly back but one tendril escaped, curling at the side of his chiseled face.
“What the hell is going on?” Alek demanded. “Evan, you know I don’t like you leaving the house without telling us where you’re going. You didn’t answer your cell or check in with us at all today! Do you know how worried we were?!”
Since the attack, Alek’s aversion to Evan being out by himself had increased exponentially. Evan knew some of this reaction was because the guy he went out behind the bar to protect had disappeared completely. One day the other victim had been recovering nicely in the hospital, the next he was gone, checked out, and nowhere to be found. The men who stabbed and beat Evan had been sent to county jail, awaiting trial, and were there still. But the possibility remained, for Alek at least, that the gang had friends who might seek out Evan for the trouble he’d caused. To Evan it seemed like a stretch, and paranoia. Alek wouldn’t let it go, though. So, usually, they didn’t talk about it. It only came up in vague reference in times like this one, where Alek’s inability to reach Evan at a moment’s notice caused him to jump to the most extreme conclusions, like there’d been a drive-by shooting while Evan was out for some fresh air.
Evan averted his eyes and stayed quiet, resenting Alek’s patronizing tone. Alek continued, “Why were you two gone all day without an explanation, and why the formal meeting? Did something happen?”
Alek glanced between them. “Say something! You’re really freaking us out.”
“Yeah, something happened,” Luka nodded tightly. “Evan and I were out… talking. He was upset about some things, and I was trying to help him. I wanted him to tell me what was wrong, and he did. He vented and seemed to feel better afterward.
“Then,” Luka continued, tripping over the words. “Things happened. We, um. We had sex. I know we should have talked to you two first, and we feel incredibly bad about that, but—”
Alek cut him off with a slice of his hand through the air. Jaw clenched, eyes blazing, Alek seemed to be zeroing in on how destroyed Evan looked. Rather than thinking this was due to worry, Evan suspected Alek was wrongly assuming it was because of what Luka and Evan did together.
Alek was still and silent for one small moment before losing control and screaming at his brother, “Did you hurt him?! DID YOU?!”
Evan covered his face with both hands, whining in the back of his throat like he was just kicked in the chest. Luka circled Evan’s back with an arm.
“No. I’d never hurt him,” Luka said defensively. “It only happened because of how much I care about him, and I am not afraid to show him that! Maybe if you weren’t keeping your distance so fucking much Evan wouldn’t be feeling like you’ve abandoned him!”
“Abandoned him,” Alek echoed. “I abandoned him?! Why do you think I work downtown every day? Why the fuck am I busting my ass to be a better man for him? Why do I stay here every damn night watching over him and taking care of him if I fucking ABANDONED HIM?!”
“Emotional
abandonment, Alek,” Luka clarified. “You stopped asking Evan what he wants. So I did. I asked. He’s not going to break if you get too close, you know. He’s healing—”
“He almost died! He fucking almost died and it’s only been—”
Luka cut Alek off, continuing, “He’s going back to work tomorrow! He’s been going on runs and working out! He’s doing great! I’m so proud of him and how far he’s come. So why won’t you be with him? Do you know how cruel that is?”
“That’s bullshit. I do love him. His doctor ordered him to abstain from physical exertion until his next check-up. I’m not selfish enough to risk his health just to get off. His recovery is more important than my desire to fuck him, but clearly you don’t feel the same way, huh? It isn’t my fault you forced yourself on him. You were just horny and jealous and, as usual, couldn’t keep it in your pants.”
Alek seethed and Luka got to his feet, looking like he was ready to fight. Evan glanced up, panicked. Brennan was pale, his eyes directed up at the ceiling, blinking rapidly and looking like he was trying not to cry. “No. Luka, don’t. Don’t.”
Brennan cut in, his voice soft and hollow—hurt but not angry. “How many times?”
Luka looked to Brennan, the anger deflating from him all at once, leaving him only bruised and shamefaced. It seemed to occur to him, then, how every harsh accusation directed at Alek had also struck Brennan. “Bren….”
“More than once?”
Folding his arms over his chest, Luka hung his head. Brennan took a deep breath and nodded with resigned acceptance. Evan stared pleadingly, regretfully at his brother, wanting to ask for forgiveness. The thing that hurt the most was how Brennan was able to meet his gaze levelly, openly, wearing his heart on his sleeve.
“I’m so sorry,” Evan told him. He began to stand. A searing pain sent him grabbing at his side, and swallowing a low, shuddering groan.
Instantly concerned, Alek stepped forward, focused only on Evan. He went to him, kneeling by his feet. Hanging his head, Evan got lost in the fog of ache, letting it distract from his emotional torment. He waited for the pain to pass, wishing Alek wasn’t so sweetly holding his hand, but needing the reassuring contact nonetheless.
The pain didn’t ease up or go away, but neither did the confrontation they were all in the middle of. Evan didn’t have to see Luka’s face to know Luka was wishing he was in Alek’s place at Evan’s side, but was holding himself back.
Brennan must have seen it too, because his next question for Luka was, “You love him. You’re in love with him, aren’t you? I can tell. All of that time you’ve been spending together alone lately….”
“It doesn’t mean I love you any less,” Luka said urgently. He moved toward Brennan but when Brennan held up a hand, Luka stopped dead in his tracks. “We’re family now, right? The four of us? There were never clearly defined boundaries here. If we’re going to have sex with each other, shouldn’t we all love each other, too? Evan and I didn’t do anything bad or terrible! I love you, Brennan. And Alek… after everything… you’re everything to me.” Luka clutched his heart, his face tensing with emotion. “Yes, I love Evan, too. Of course I love him.”
“I didn’t plan for this to happen. Neither of us did,” said Evan speaking quietly through teeth gritted against a scream of agony that kept wanting to bubble up. “I just wanted to be alone but, Luka, he found me and… he found me. There’s been this distance lately. I understand you just want to protect me. Both of you.” He took a shaky inhale and his connection to the world seemed to thin, growing tenuous. The room tilted and shifted. His eyes rolled deliriously. He swayed backward and for a second he almost lost consciousness. Alek guided Evan to lean back against the cushion and shot Brennan a starkly worried look. “I-I really am sorry, Alek. Bren. We shouldn’t have been sneaking around behind your backs. We should have been able to stop and talk to you first. That’s the rule, right? That’s how this is supposed to work.”
Alek’s gaze slid over to Luka, and turned mean. “You. You did this to him! He’s in pain because of you and whatever the fuck you did to him, you son of a bitch!” Lashing out at the easiest target—the only target—Alek was up and on his feet in a heartbeat, slamming into Luka, knocking him back into the wall with a crash, his hand locked around Luka’s throat, squeezing his windpipe.
“No! Don’t,” Evan cried. “Please.”
Standing from his seat, Brennan ran a hand back through his hair and blurted, “I can’t. I can’t be here. I can’t deal with this shit right now. I just can’t.” Without another look back at Evan or any of them, Brennan left, grabbing a sweatshirt from a hook on the wall, going outside through the front door.
“Go ahead, Aleksy. Do it. Punish me,” Luka rasped thinly with a rebellious, determined, headstrong gleam in his eye. Alek’s wildness was perfectly contrasted by Luka’s calm. His hand pulled on Alek’s wrist. “Come on. Fuck me and choke me like you used to when we were their age. Teach me a lesson.”
Sneering, Luka smiled at Alek as he released him. Luka coughed hoarsely and rubbed his throat, staring his twin down. He turned to Evan. “If you need me to come by and get you later, if you don’t want to be here, call me. Okay? Please? I’ll be checking on you either way.”
Then he was gone, heading through the hall to the kitchen and leaving through the back door.
With his feet under him before he even knew he intended to stand, Evan blinked his eyes to clear them as the edges darkened, his vision narrowing. He stumbled when everything went black, his knees giving out. Alek caught him, holding him up.
Clutching to consciousness, Evan sagged in Alek’s arms, letting out harsh, gut-deep sobs that wrung the air from his lungs and turned him inside out. For long minutes he poured out everything as Alek gathered him close, wrapping him in a strong yet careful hold. Evan clutched his aching side as sharp cries of anguish interwove between his guttural weeping. It went on and on until Evan had fallen quiet, his body limp, passed out from stress, shock, and the failings of his form.
Chapter 9
Up from Down
Evan woke periodically throughout the night from vivid nightmares in which he was either stranded in a barren wasteland with nothing but cracked earth and blistering sunlight in every direction, or there was a swarm of creatures around him, beating his flesh to a bloody pulp with their enormous, iron-like fists. Ripping himself out of these visions, gasping softly, he opened his eyes, peering into the gloom to find Alek, right there beside him in bed. Their hands rested side-by-side on the bed, barely grazing each other. Each time Evan woke, Alek already had his eyes opened and was watching him with concern—which only deepened when Evan couldn’t bear to meet Alek’s gaze after only a fleeting glimpse.
Once or twice, Alek asked if Evan needed more pain meds. Evan shook his head. Another time, Evan held his breath as tears sprung from his eyes. Alek tenderly caressed his cheeks to wipe them away. The kindness killed Evan and made it all so much worse. Exhausted, he slipped back into sleep time and time again, only to be tormented by the creations of his mind until dawn arrived.
Evan lay awake as Alek got dressed for work, saying nothing to him, but turning in gratefully to Alek’s touch when Alek caressed his cheek. Alek asked if he should call out from work for the day and stay home with him, but Evan shook his head, burning with self-hatred and regret when Alek lovingly kissed his forehead in goodbye.
Hours passed. Sometimes there was a presence lingering in the hall or doorway and Evan could feel it was Brennan without having to look, but he attempted to block it out. There were three pillows wedged, by Alek, under Evan’s back to prop him up in bed to relieve the discomfort in his ribs. He dozed off, or pretended to, in that position for a while before pushing the pillows away and curling up on his side instead, despite the pain it caused him, or maybe because of it.
Nothing mattered—not the things Evan was expected to do, like get out of bed and take a shower or eat breakfast; not how he felt or whether or not he’d mana
ged to re-break his bones; not what he wanted, because the things he wanted were what led him further into misery, tormenting those he loved.
It didn’t matter if Brennan was standing a few feet away, watching him, or why Brennan was there, when the last thing Evan would have expected Brennan to want to see was him. It didn’t matter if the phone kept ringing with Brennan speaking in fervent, strained whispers to whoever was on the other end. It didn’t even matter that it seemed like Alek and Brennan weren’t angry with him. It didn’t matter at all.
All that mattered was being very still and very quiet, doing nothing and affecting others as little as he possibly could. Tired of doing the wrong thing, of touching those who mattered to him most in negative ways, he wanted to escape, to get in his car and drive as fast as he could in any particular direction, just as long as it was away. But Luka was right; there was no running away from this. He couldn’t do that just as he couldn’t wander out to the road and step in front of a tractor trailer right as it went by. There was no painless, noble way out. He made his bed. Now he had to lie in it.
So, that was exactly what he did, and nothing else. It was better that way for everyone.
A floorboard creaked in the hall. Wood groaned as there was another step taken into Evan’s bedroom. His back to the doorway, Evan willed Brennan to leave. He pretended to be sleeping.
“You were supposed to be at work by now. Mike called, wondering why you never showed. Evan?”
Leave me alone. Don’t pretend everything’s fine. Just go away. Please go away.
“I’d like to check out your ribs and take you for an x-ray if they’re really bothering you.”
I can’t even tell him to get lost. He shouldn’t want to have anything to do with me. He shouldn’t care about my damn ribs.
