When Ronnie drew close, Gabe grabbed her fingers and kissed the back of her hand. A familiar rush flowed through her, and she relaxed despite herself as the gesture sapped her anxiety.
“But not all of it.”
“Shut up.” She slid onto the seat across from him in the booth, trying to be polite about pulling her hand away.
“I’m glad you came.” His smile appeared genuine. “I hear there are changes going on over there.”
“I bet that’s the understatement of a lifetime. But only like a human one, not like Lucifer’s.”
How much did Gabe know? And how much would he let on, even if he knew it all? “I guess. There was a fire or something downtown last night.”
“So I heard. Kind of hard to miss. Something like a rampaging fallen angel makes people talk.”
Ronnie didn’t like how casually he took the whole thing. Ari might have gone off the deep end, but she’d liked him. Hell, Ronnie might have even said Ari was crushing on him. And he brushed the entire thing off like a minor bit of inconvenience. White-hot fury singed her nerves, and she struggled to contain it while she searched for a way to keep the conversation rational enough to prod Gabe for answers.
“I know you need to get back to work.” He reached for her hand again. “But I need to talk to you, and it can’t wait.”
“Okay…” Maybe Ronnie didn’t need to coax anything out of him after all.
“I know you’re hesitating about my offer.” He traced the back of her knuckles with his thumb.
The power soothed her, chasing away her exhaustion and replacing it with a new layer of hesitation. His non-specific job offer, the vague bullshit wrapped in nothing? “I’m sorry about that—”
“It’s okay. I think I know why.”
“Because you’re desperate, clingy, and insecure? Because you’re such an amazing angel of vengeance that you’ve managed to convince yourself everyone is beneath you? Because you’re not as stupid as you want me to believe?”
Ronnie pushed Metatron’s taunts aside. “You do?”
“I haven’t been completely honest with you about my motives.”
“You think?”
Sigh. Possibly the most straightforward thing he ever said to her. Then again, no one was honest with her, so maybe she was learning to appreciate the lies.
“And I think you deserve to know the truth.”
“Too bad she won’t get it from you.”
Ronnie was kind of glad he couldn’t hear Metatron, though it would make the conversation more interesting. “You’ve got my attention.”
He gave her a confident, full grin that made her feel like she was on the menu, but there was nothing tantalizing about it. “I’m sorry. It’s taken me a while to figure out whether you knew and were just hiding it, or if no one told you.”
“Oh, this ought to be good.”
Ronnie couldn’t argue with that. Not reasonably anyway.
“That’s never stopped you before.”
“Still in the dark here.” Ronnie didn’t want to rush him, but her stomach growled, and she wanted to go back to stalking Lucifer’s office.
“I’m getting there. I don’t know why Lucifer or Michael or whoever hasn’t told you all this, but the voice you hear isn’t just calling herself Metatron, she actually is Metatron.”
Yay. Old information.
“Ditto.”
This was so not helpful.
“Except it means he knew.”
True. But it made sense he would. Even with Ronnie’s limited knowledge, she reached the conclusion days ago. “Why didn’t you tell this sooner?”
“I didn’t know how much you knew. You use her name—the one only Michael called her. I needed to find out if you were setting me up.”
“Setting you up for what? Why would I do that?”
“I know why Lucifer put Metatron in your head.”
“In theory, or he actually knows? He fucking killed me. He told Lucifer—the man I called brother—and Michael—the man I loved—that I was a megalomaniacal fiend hell-bent on destruction. What kind of bullshit has he come up with now?”
“Or rather, I’m pretty sure.” Gabe kept talking, oblivious to the second conversation he evoked. “I don’t have confirmation. It’s not like he’s going to tell me, but it makes a lot of sense.”
Gabe believed what he said. Ronnie knew it for certain, though she couldn’t explain how.
“That doesn’t mean he’s not trying to deceive you.”
“What makes sense?” Ronnie sat back in her seat, more interested in the conversation now than in getting back to work.
Gabe reached for her then pulled back. “When Metatron betrayed us, she didn’t completely vanish.”
“For the last fucking time, I didn’t betray anyone.”
“You think?” The snide comment slipped out before Ronnie could stop it.
He raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure how he accomplished it, but Lucifer managed to save a part of her. I’m assuming similarly to the way we keep cherubs alive before they have a purpose, but she wasn’t a shapeless, thoughtless ball of light. She was already a personality.”
Ronnie waited… “What, no come back?”
“What? I’ve got more personality than he does.”
Ronnie almost laughed. The tension and this drawn out fucking conversation were getting to her. “What does that have to do with me?”
“Think about it. You witnessed Metatron’s potential yesterday. That’s an intense power, and we all know it. If she’s still Metatron, she’s everything an original is. That’s why Ari wanted her.”
So he knew Ronnie was involved last night.
“Surprised?”
Not really. But he also didn’t know Ronnie relied on her own strength when Metatron cowered in the corner. “And that’s why Lucifer gave her to me?”
“Kind of.” He glanced away, studying the scratches in the table, tracing lines over them. “He wanted someone he could control. You didn’t meld with her correctly. So he’s focused on ripping her out of you and trying again.”
The notion shredded Ronnie from the inside out, and she couldn’t put words to the pain it left in its wake. Sure, it hurt like hell when Ari tried to remove Metatron, but if Lucifer could do it, the voice would be gone, on to her own life, and Ronnie would get hers back. Everybody won.
“I don’t know why no one else is telling you this. It’s in your aura. It’s fractured and splintered. If Lucifer pulled the two of you apart, it would probably destroy you.”
The words slammed into Ronnie and tightened like a fist around her chest. That wasn’t true. “He’d kill me just to have a powerful ally in someone else?” Lucifer wouldn’t. Would he? He was keeping something from her, but not her inevitable destruction, right?
“I don’t know.” Gabe shrugged. “Odds are high he knows exactly what’s going on in your head. And he changed a lot when he lost her. There’s no guarantee Lucifer is rational anymore.”
“This isn’t right. Lucifer is cruel and brushing us off, but he still cares. He hasn’t lost it. Not because of me.”
The wounded pouting hurt. Ronnie wished it didn’t hit her so hard when Metatron sulked, especially when Ronnie was already drowning in her own reaction to the information.
Gabe stood abruptly, offering her his hand. “Anyway. I had to tell you. It’s not fair you be kept in the dark.”
Ronnie was too preoccupied to snatch away more of his essence. “Thanks.”
“I don’t want that to happen to you.” He kissed her on the cheek. “I like you. I like who you are, how you think, and your independence. I can help you find a solution, if you come work for me.”
He was gone before Ronnie could respond. Something nagged at the back of her mind, pushing aside the hurt his revelation caused. What was it?
“You know.”
Yeah. Ronnie did. That was a lot of power, if he was telling the truth. People were willing to kill Ronnie for it, and Gabe would let he
r tuck it away for eternity, in order to have her by his side?
“How romantic.”
Despite Metatron’s sarcasm, Ronnie desperately wanted to believe it. At least it would mean someone wanted her around, instead of Metatron.
“Moron.”
Ronnie wanted to believe it, but couldn’t. The man tried to kill one of his own, lied to his peers about his reasons—which she still didn’t know—and eons later, still kept up the illusion. Why would he tell Ronnie the truth about anything related to Metatron?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Ronnie was sick of all of it: Michael being all reasonable and dedicated to his work, Gabriel lying to her, angels trying to steal portions of her head. She knew who had answers, exactly where he was, and was tired of waiting. She marched from the elevator down the hall and then pushed into Lucifer’s office without knocking.
He wasn’t there. Damn it. He was around. She felt it. She muttered, “I swear to all you hold dear, if you don’t get your ass in here in the next ten seconds, I will obliterate this place.”
“Interesting threat. You know you should never point the gun at someone if you aren’t going to pull the trigger.”
“Just the corner office or the entire building?” Lucifer’s voice floated from behind her.
She whirled, trying not to show how startled she was that he’d snuck up on her.
“Last angel to blow up entire buildings met their fate at the tip of Michael’s blade. But you were there, weren’t you?”
Ronnie forced casual apathy into her words. “You’re here now. I guess we won’t have to see how accurately I can recreate the scene.”
He brushed past her and then took a seat behind the desk before propping up his feet. “How’s work going? I was worried you might not be talking to me.”
“Her boyfriends hurt her feelings. She wants someone to kiss her boo-boo all better.”
Ronnie growled in her head. “I need to know something. I suspect you’re the only person who has the whole story. You’re going to tell me.”
“You’re going to make demands? Really?”
She didn’t have another option.
He didn’t look impressed. “If I didn’t tell you before, odds aren’t in your favor now.”
“I’ll tell you something.”
Ronnie didn’t want more cryptic answers from a psychotic voice. She wanted someone to come clean. “Please?”
He licked his lips and placed his hands behind his head. “If you want to know why the vending machine doesn’t have a better selection, you need to take it up with the office manager.”
“Or rather, I’ll remind you.”
“Of what?”
“He adored me. Feels the same about you. He calls you sis.”
Ronnie struggled to keep her expression blank as images of what Metatron meant flitted through Ronnie’s mind on a current of comfort she didn’t want to feel. Flickers of compassion mingled with instinct and memories Ronnie couldn’t grasp.
But if using his affection for a long-dead image of her was an option, why hadn’t he broken before now? Would playing the wounded baby sister actually push his buttons? Ronnie couldn’t imagine, but she was out of alternatives. Ronnie moved to the edge of his desk, scooted her butt up on an empty spot, and then crossed her ankles.
He studied her, a flicker of surprise registering before he shoved back and sat straight. “Tell me what you want, Uriel.”
She stuck out her lower lip and tried to summon her best wounded look. “Tell me about my predecessor.”
He didn’t meet her gaze. “I’m not sure what you mean. You’re the only Uriel there’s ever been.”
She made her chin quiver. Apparently, those lessons he gave her in body language paid off. “Just tell me why you decided it was fair to burden me with this.”
“Don’t ask for answers neither of us is ready to deal with.”
“But I’m not—”
“Aren’t you?” He kicked his chair back and stood in front of her.
She didn’t want to back down. He was the key. He also terrified her with his calm, making it easy to keep the waver in her voice. “Why do I have the essence of Metatron inside me, and how come everyone knew it before I did?”
The name hung between them, heavy in the air.
“Everyone who?”
“Michael. Gabriel. The fucking voice living in my head.”
“Ariel, Izrafel…”
“If you’re hearing voices, you should probably see someone about it.”
Ronnie didn’t appreciate the insult, but figured that was why he did it. “I am. I’m seeing you.”
“Gabriel is lying.” He pressed his forehead to hers. His tone was smooth and emotionless. “That’s what he does. You think I’m the Prince of Lies? Work with him for a couple thousand years. Michael is a lovesick puppy who sees shadows wherever he looks.”
“He’s not.”
Ronnie hopped from the desk, tired of the games both inside her head and out. She moved away from Lucifer and began to pace. “I’m sick of this.”
Icy power slipped through her. It was the same familiar help she had last night when Metatron cowered in the back of her skull, hiding from Ari. Ronnie’s own strength. “Tell me why you created me. Why you stuck a dead angel in my head instead of just giving her a life of her own again, and why you’re willing to destroy me so maybe you can have someone to control instead.”
“Whoa.” Lucifer slammed his palms against the desk. “Who said you were getting destroyed?”
“Told you Gabe was lying.”
Or Lucifer was. Or they both were. Ronnie didn’t know anymore. She faltered, hating that her self-righteous demands were already shredded. “Someone.”
He sighed as he stepped around the desk and stopped in front of Ronnie. He lifted her chin to stare her in the eyes.
His sorrow peering back gnawed at her resolve. What was she missing?
“I don’t make mistakes very often.” His tone was low and sad. “And like any good professional, I’d rather fix them than admit them.”
Ronnie was a mistake? Today was skyrocketing to the top of her bad-news-that-devours-the-soul list. Maybe she was being melodramatic, but damn that sent tears rushing to her eyes.
“The one thing any ugly baby dreads hearing.”
“Or maybe Metatron was the mistake.”
“Fuck you.”
“I meant to bring Metatron back.” Lucifer raked shaky fingers through his hair. “I looked for centuries for a way to do it, and then I heard rumors. Of what Izzy did. That an angel could hold a new cherub better than a person could. So I rolled the dice, in the hopes her essence plus yours would make a complete individual, and we could have her back.”
“Ha! In your face.”
“So…” Metatron’s sparks pulsed in Ronnie. Which one of them spoke? Or maybe it was both of them. “You really don’t want me here.”
“I didn’t create you to destroy you.” His low, rumbling words echoed off the walls. He stepped closer, nose less than an inch from hers, fury and hurt bright in his unnerving gaze. “I was devastated when Gabriel killed Metatron. And that bullshit about her wanting to rise above everything and annihilate it? That was his deception. I suspect it’s his own plan. She never should have died for his arrogance.”
“She, her, Metatron.” Ronnie hated the hurt growing inside, but couldn’t stop it from leaking into her reply. “If this is all about her, why do I have to suffer?”
“Because you won’t move aside.”
“Why did you do this to me? And then to make me think it was my fault on top of all that? You knew it was her talking to me the first time I brought it up. How did you even get this bit of her to trap in me? Have you been holding onto it all this time? Did you snatch it from the ether?”
Lucifer shook his head. “Not that this is relevant, but what you know so far—the cherubs, the fallen, the rogues. Gabriel. It’s nothing compared to the big picture. I’ve already told yo
u more than you should know.”
“What?”
Good question. Confusion tumbled over nonsense, as Ronnie tried to figure out what he was talking about. “What?”
“Another conversation.” His composure evaporated further, and his shoulders slumped. “You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care. It’s true. I meant to bring Metatron back. However, when I realized I made a mistake, that you were both sharing that head and body, I didn’t know what to do. I talked to everyone I thought might have answers. I even went to Gabe because I knew he played a hand in what was going on here with the top performers.”
Ronnie couldn’t process the new information on top of everything else. She still ached from the news she wasn’t supposed to exist. “I’m missing something.”
“I sent you here because I hoped it would jar something inside. I pulled strings to stick you with Ari, because I thought she might be able to help you from her firsthand experience. I was desperate. I hoped Metatron would become a single, whole being again once she had all the pieces.”
“So…” Ronnie stepped back, hating the tears stinging her eyelids. “You really would rather she were here. She’s everything I’m not, right?”
“What have I been telling you this entire time?”
Ronnie’s chest throbbed, and her stomach flipped. “I’m just an inconvenience.”
“No.” Lucifer’s single word was forceful. “It’s why I stopped pushing you. I tried to bring her back, but you’re completely different. I couldn’t ever get rid of you. I should have known you were unique. Even as a cherub, you broke rules. You were the first to do that. Those who pop into existence here on Earth? It’s not random chance, it’s because they have free will.” He snapped his jaw shut, as if he said more than he meant to.
“That doesn’t matter now.” He continued. “I don’t know how to separate the two of you, I’m sorry. I don’t know why you didn’t merge, or why you can’t remember who you were before. You should have become her. But I won’t be the one to try and fix that, because I adore you both, and I won’t choose.”
Ronnie started to protest, letting Metatron’s screams throb in her skull. But she saw something in Lucifer she never had before. Resignation. She had her answers, but they wouldn’t give her a solution.
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