‘I speak about everyone from home, from my past, in the present,’ James said, his voice quieter, more serious now. ‘After what I’ve seen, what we’ve been through, the only thing left is hope. And holding on to memories of before.’ He paused. ‘But I won’t ever tell him, and we can pretend this never happened. If that’s what you want?’
‘It’s what I want.’
The whistle of wind passing through the trees was the only noise Scarlet heard, the only thing that connected her to the moment, when what she wanted to do, all of a sudden, was flee for home. She hadn’t wanted to return home so strongly since they’d settled into a routine here, too busy learning and caring to spend time worrying about what she’d had before. Until James had spoken and reminded her of what she’d left behind, and what she was preparing to face. Why had she found him and not Thomas? How could fate be so cruel?
‘Did you know all along we were going to France?’
‘It wasn’t my place to share the information. Not even with the woman who’s going to be my sister-in-law.’
Scarlet wrapped her arms around herself again, suddenly shivering from the cold as clouds drew closer overheard, blocking out the moonlight. ‘So you do believe he’s alive?’
‘I want to believe he’s alive. Is that the same thing?’ James asked.
Scarlet stared into his eyes, saw something of Thomas there, although maybe she was imagining it now because she wanted to. ‘I feel in my bones that he’s alive, but I’m prepared to admit that it could be because I so want him to be. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just my way of refusing to let go until I’m certain.’ It was the most honest she’d been with anyone about how she truly felt.
They stood in silence, the woodland noises around them stopping it from being deafening.
‘What made—’
‘Were you—’
Scarlet laughed as they spoke at the same time, interrupting one another. ‘You first,’ she said.
He hesitated, like he was about to tell her to speak first instead. But he didn’t.
‘What made a young woman like you volunteer to join?’ James asked. ‘When you could have stayed home and been safe, done something less dangerous by choice? What I heard about the woman Thomas was to marry was more along the lines of a wealthy society girl than a roll-her-sleeves-up-and-nurse type.’
Scarlet didn’t know what to say. She stared back at him, truly lost for words.
‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean to offend you.’ James ran one hand down his cheek to his mouth as he shook his head. ‘What I should have said was how much it means to a soldier to have a woman care for him. What you’re doing is admirable, even more so because it’s not what anyone would have expected of you.’
‘My family was furious with me, but I wasn’t prepared to sit back and do nothing when our country and our men need us so badly. It didn’t really dawn on me what I’d done until I was on the train with Ellie. Maybe it still hasn’t really sunk in – reality, I mean.’
‘Well, your family should be very proud of you. I hope they are. Thomas, too.’ His smile was kind, warm, but she knew he must be feeling like she was, the same as before only a hundred times more guilty. ‘I know I would be if . . .’
She gulped at his unfinished sentence, but tried to continue as if nothing was wrong. ‘My parents would be more proud of me if I were obedient and did what they said, but I don’t feel like that girl any longer. It was my determination to find Thomas myself that made me send my letter off to join in the first place.’ She was only telling the truth, but it was hard to get the words out.
‘He would hate you doing this, truth be told,’ James said. He laughed, and for a moment she felt like they were friends instead of two people trying to pretend that they hadn’t just kissed and enjoyed every guilty moment of it. ‘If I know my brother, he’d much prefer you at home, baking all day and keeping a lookout of the kitchen window for him to return. Doing a little to help the Red Cross perhaps.’
Scarlet rolled her eyes, even though it was a childish thing to do. ‘I don’t believe you. You honestly believe that he wouldn’t approve?’ Scarlet asked. She was helping others and searching for him, what wrong was there in that?
‘Ah, don’t listen to me,’ James said, starting to move away. ‘What do I know? I haven’t seen him in a while, so maybe my brother has become more open-minded. But me? Now, I like the fact that you’re fighting Hitler alongside us boys. It’s endearing.’
‘Where are we going?’ Scarlet asked, unsure why they were moving. ‘Do you honestly think he’s alive? That I have a chance of finding him?’ Maybe she needed someone who knew Thomas to tell her that she was right, that she was doing the right thing; or maybe it was the complete opposite.
‘I think if anyone can find him, you can,’ he said softly, reaching for her hand, his touch sending unexpected chills across her skin as she started at their connection. ‘I won’t give up on him, not until the day this damn war is over, and you shouldn’t either.’
Scarlet met his gaze, bravely staring back at him. So he didn’t think she was mad, after all.
‘I needed to hear you say that.’ She didn’t let go of his hand, not yet, even though she knew she should. ‘Did he ever talk to you about me?’ Scarlet asked, wanting to hear something about Thomas, to stop thinking about being with James as butterflies beat their wings in her stomach and her heart began to ache.
‘He did. But you have to remember that I only saw him once since he met you, and we weren’t exactly close. You must know that.’ He shrugged. ‘We were once, but fighting for our father’s affection and respect, and butting heads constantly, kind of pulled us apart.’
‘When did you last see him?’ she asked. Thomas had told her something of his history and falling-out with his brother, but not a lot.
‘I saw him in passing not long after he’d proposed to you. We had less than a day; a few hours on leave before we were both sent our separate ways.’
‘He spoke of you fondly – talked about your childhood,’ she said. ‘Although he also said you hadn’t been so close in recent years.’
‘War changes you, makes you realise the errors of the past sometimes,’ James replied. ‘We were close growing up, always going on adventures, getting into trouble, fighting until we had bloody noses. But Thomas got more serious as we got older, became more interested in taking his place as the eldest son and following my father’s footsteps into banking. I guess I rebelled more, didn’t take life as seriously as he did. Until it was time to enlist, and then life changed.’
Scarlet slowly digested the words, put the puzzle pieces of their life together, imagined them as young boys with their dark hair and brown eyes, handsome as ever and no doubt driving their nanny mad.
‘Do you want to know what he told me?’ James asked, shifting beside her.
Scarlet nodded before realising he probably couldn’t see the movement. ‘Yes. Please.’
‘He told me that there would be a wedding as soon as this war was over, and said I was to be his best man,’ James shared with her. ‘I laughed and asked him who’d been crazy enough to say yes to him, and he swung at me just like when we were kids! But it was nice that he wanted me to do that for him, after so long not seeing one another.’
Scarlet could almost see the exchange between the brothers.
‘Thomas said you were perfect wife material – that you were from a good family, that you’d had a fast, fun courtship, and that he’d asked you before he left. I think he was worried that if he didn’t ask you first, you’d be engaged to someone else before he returned. The only thing he forgot to tell me was how beautiful you are. My question is, would you have waited for him if he hadn’t proposed, or would I be talking to a single woman now?’
Scarlet had been about to interrupt James and tell him that of course she would have waited for Thomas, engagement promise or not, but his last words had rattled her. Heat flooded her body, the hairs on her arms stan
ding on end. Maybe if she’d met James before, and hadn’t been formally engaged to Thomas, she might not feel as conflicted right now.
‘Don’t ever speak of this to Thomas. He mustn’t ever know.’ She stared at him. ‘You meant it, didn’t you? That you’d never tell?’
James’s laugh was cold this time. ‘That his little brother tried to steal his girl before he was even in the ground? I have a feeling he’d be more worried about me stepping into our father’s role ahead of him than stealing you.’
Scarlet slapped him, hard. Her palm connected with his face in a burning slam that made her instantly recoil.
‘Charming,’ he muttered, stalking away.
Scarlet had never felt so alone as she stood in the dark without him, watching his silhouette walking off. What had just happened? What had she done? Why did he make her feel so . . . She didn’t even know what she was feeling, what he had done to her, other than make her mad.
‘You know what?’ James called out, storming back towards her. ‘To hell with Thomas. I’m here with you now. How long did you know him before you agreed to marry him? Was it even a month?’ He glared at her, waiting. ‘From what I know it wasn’t even that.’
She shook her head. ‘Don’t talk like that. I gave your brother my word, my promise.’ She wasn’t about to tell him that he was right. That it had been exactly a month.
‘This war is going to be full of women who fell in love with men they’ll never see again. All we do is say goodbye over and over.’
She didn’t know why he was telling her that, what he was trying to say, but his words washed through her anyway, making her think. He was right, and because of it women were marrying men they hardly knew, or were being left broken-hearted knowing that their chance to fall properly in love had been snatched away from them.
They stared at one another, neither of them moving. Scarlet’s feelings for Thomas had been real, she knew they had, but after so long without seeing him, her mind was playing tricks on her – making her think that what she was feeling for James was more intense, making her think that maybe he was right.
‘Walk me back, James. Please.’
He grunted and lit up a cigarette. She wondered if he’d also only be given four as the nurses had, or whether he had his own stash. They walked in silence, the only noise their boots colliding with branches and swishing through fallen leaves. Her mind was racing, but she wasn’t about to give in to her feelings – she couldn’t. She was searching for Thomas; she was engaged to the man. She owed it to him to be waiting when, or if, he returned from the depths of hell.
‘I’ll see you on board,’ she said, rushing ahead and not looking back.
James quickly intercepted her, his cigarette gone. ‘Scarlet, wait.’
She paused, refusing to look at him until he reached out and touched her shoulder. When she did, his fingers found their way to her chin, softly pushing it up so her eyes were forced to meet his.
‘I’m not uncaring, if that’s what you think. For all our differences, Thomas is my brother and I want him to come home. I do.’
She nodded. ‘Sometimes we can’t help the way we feel.’
‘I’m sorry about what happened. If I’d known when I met you, if we’d realised, I never would have behaved like that.’ He held out his hand.
She placed her palm to his, hating the way she was drawn to him, how badly she wanted to pull him towards her and hold him tight.
‘I know.’
James shook her hand. ‘Goodbye then.’
Scarlet left it at that, walking away from a man that made every bone in her body want to turn back and throw herself into his arms. Tomorrow they’d be packing, the orderlies checking that the surgical instruments were greased against rust, wrapped in oil paper, sewn in and then stencilled, along with bed pans, urinals, syringes, flags and more.
After that, she didn’t know whether she’d ever even see James again. Tears burnt her eyes, the dampness hot as it hit her cheeks, curving down and into her mouth. But she never looked back. Not once.
She was too afraid of what she’d do if she did, because the way she was feeling? It wasn’t right.
‘Will you wait for me?’
Scarlet held his hand tight, gazing up at Thomas. He looked so dashing in his uniform – his cheeks clean-shaven, dark hair carefully parted, his eyes on hers as he reached out his fingertips to stroke the side of her face.
‘Of course.’ They were in the middle of a war, and all she wanted was for it to be over so he could come back home.
‘Scarlet, will you marry me? I don’t know when I’ll return, but I need to know that we will be married when this is all over.’
His smile was so kind, his eyes full of what she was certain was love. There was nothing in the world she wanted more than to be his wife.
‘Yes. A hundred times, yes,’ she whispered, leaning into him as he kissed her briefly on the mouth, pulling her against him and holding her.
Scarlet breathed in the scent of him, aftershave mixed with the pressed, new smell of his jacket. He made a handsome soldier, but she still wished he didn’t have to go, that there had been some reason for him to stay.
He held out a ring, a dark sapphire with a diamond at each side sparkling up at her. She let him slide it on to her finger, gazed at it, felt the weight of it against her skin. It was beautiful.
‘This was my grandmother’s, and I want you to have it.’
‘I love it,’ she said, excited about showing it to her friends. She was engaged!
‘It’s perfect on you. Just make sure you keep it safe, put it on a necklace around your neck if you need to keep it hidden, if anything happens.’
She nodded, hating how solemn things felt when she should have been squealing with joy, not a care in the world, excited to become the new Mrs Sanders. ‘I will. I’ll look after it for ever.’
‘You need to sign up with the Red Cross, do work close to home. Stay safe,’ he said, searching her eyes as he pulled back. ‘I don’t want to worry about you while I’m gone.’
She swallowed, staring back at him, not about to tell him that she wasn’t sure yet about what she wanted to do. Whether she should do more, make a bigger contribution; and besides, if she didn’t sign up for something soon then she’d have no choice and be drafted into any kind of work.
‘I’ll be here. Don’t you worry about me. Just promise to write.’
The way he held her, tight to his chest, made her feel safe and loved. ‘I promise,’ he murmured back, mouth to her hair. ‘I’m hardly going to ignore the woman who’s to be my wife.’
Scarlet wanted to believe him, hoped that what he was saying was true.
‘Whenever things get bad, think about us,’ she whispered in his ear, arms still around him. ‘Imagine our wedding day, and the beautiful little children we’ll have someday.’
He kissed her cheek and stepped back, hands on hers until they slowly slipped away.
‘I love you, Scarlet.’
‘I love you, too,’ she said, holding back a sob, watching as he walked backwards.
She didn’t take her eyes off him, thought her heart was going to break seeing him walk away like that. Why now? Why did the war have to ruin her season, her engagement, all her dreams? Why did Thomas have to go?
‘Goodbye!’ he called out.
Scarlet raised one hand and waved, torn between wanting to chase after him and showing how strong she could be – blinking away tears and not moving from her position.
He was her Thomas, and he’d be home.
Suddenly gunshots echoed around her, the garden becoming a blur of smoke, the peace of the birds in the trees shattered by the sound of gunfire. Or was it bombs?
‘Thomas!’ she screamed.
Then she saw him, falling, bright red staining his back, his face bloody as he turned to her.
‘Thomas!’
Scarlet screamed as hands closed over her, struggled free, searching in the dark, frantic, looking for Thomas.
But he was gone.
‘Scarlet, it’s all right. You’re fine, it was only a dream.’
Her hair was wet at the nape of her neck, her hands shaking as she stared around her, eyes adjusting to the almost-blackness. She recognised the warmth of Ellie’s arm cradling her – slowly figured out where she was.
‘You were calling for Thomas,’ Ellie said softly. ‘I had to shake you to stop you from screaming out to him again.’
Scarlet shut her eyes then quickly opened them again, the memories of what she’d seen, where her dream had taken her, coming back to her like a film playing through her mind.
‘I saw him. It was the day we were engaged, the day he left. Everything was the same, perfect,’ she said, then swallowed hard, finding her strength. ‘But this time he died in front of me, he’d been shot, there was blood, so much blood.’
‘Shhh,’ Ellie murmured, rocking her, then slowly lowering her back down to the bed as if she were comforting a child. ‘Everything’s fine, it was only a dream.’
‘It’s not just a dream, Ellie. James is his brother,’ she gasped. ‘James is supposed to be my brother-in-law.’
‘He’s what?’
‘You heard me,’ Scarlet choked. ‘I don’t want to speak about it. Not now, not ever.’
Ellie hesitated, then quickly began rubbing her back, soothing her. ‘Everything’s going to be fine, Scarlet. I promise. You can tell me all about it in the morning.’
Scarlet squeezed her eyes shut again, forcing the thoughts to stay away, making herself think of happy things and stop her inner torment. Ellie’s breath was steady and slow, helping to calm her as they lay pressed together on one small bed for warmth. Was it because of her feelings for James that she was dreaming like this? Was she being punished for falling for the brother of her fiancé? For being unfaithful to Thomas when she knew in her heart that she loved him so much, wanted desperately for him to come home so she could be his wife?
Tomorrow was going to be a long day, and she doubted she’d be able to find comfort in sleep again. Ellie had stopped rubbing her back, her breathing heavier now. Scarlet didn’t want to disturb her friend again by trying to get up. Instead she lay there, focused on filling her lungs deep with each inhale.
Wives of War Page 9
