by Lucy Gordon
‘Nonsense, I’ve known him for years.’
‘But what do you know?’ Meryl demanded indignantly. ‘What he wants you to know. You should try talking to Clarrie Race and you’d hear a few things that would surprise you. Ned’s bellyaching because he’s got to shift his fat backside for a change.’
‘Meryl, I know you think you know what you’re talking about, but believe me, you don’t, and it isn’t kind of you to encourage these women to neglect reality and chase shadows. What was that?’ Meryl had made a noise.
‘I said a very rude word,’ she said crossly. ‘One of the best in my repertoire. It needed saying. It applies to Ned Race in bucketfuls and I’m beginning to think it applies to you, too. But since you’re my husband I’ll just call you a blinkered dinosaur with the discernment and farsightedness of a newt.’
‘That doesn’t make any sense.’
‘It does where I’m standing,’ she said dangerously.
The subject was dropped, but there were others that only just avoided being quarrels. Sometimes his own defences failed him and she sensed the ardour that he couldn’t entirely deny. At other times she felt as though he was almost trying to drive her away, willing her to live down to his worst fears so that he could kill his hopes and have done with it. But that was to imagine that he had hopes, which she hardly dared believe.
At the end of June Sarah departed to visit the Hamlins on Long Island, and Meryl said, ‘I shall have to go back soon, myself.’
‘Is it really necessary?’ Jarvis asked politely.
‘There’s a load more things to be signed, stuff I don’t want to entrust to the mail. Besides, I want to see Benedict’s opening. He called me today-’
‘Then of course you must go,’ Jarvis interrupted her. ‘I expect you’ll be off tomorrow.’
‘Well, maybe. I only wanted to tell you-’
‘But, my dear, there’s no need for you to tell me anything. I wouldn’t dream of prying into your private affairs.’
‘Why do you do that?’ she asked, exasperated. ‘One minute we’re fine, and the next you set me at a distance.’
‘Perhaps it’s because I’m always aware of how easily you set Larne at a distance when your memory fails.’
‘The fête again. I thought we’d sorted that.’
‘It’s true that you retrieved the situation in fine style, but only because you managed to hire that helicopter. That’s not remembering. That’s forgetting and covering up.’
‘I didn’t forget Larne, or my promise. I just didn’t notice that the date had crept up on me. It could happen to anyone.’
‘No, it could only happen to a woman who was used to buying her way out of trouble. You forgot us.’
If she hadn’t been so agitated she would have noticed that ‘us’. Instead she demanded, ‘Then why didn’t you call and remind me? You weren’t secretly hoping I’d blot my copy book, were you?’
‘No way!’ He was genuinely shocked. ‘I’d never let other people be hurt in our private disputes.’
‘Then why not remind me?’
‘Because,’ he said reluctantly, ‘I admit that I forgot, too. I had a nasty shock when the vicar called me that very morning.’
‘Hah!’
‘You can hah! as much as you like. I wasn’t the one they were counting on. If you couldn’t have afforded that helicopter the truth would have been there for everyone to see.’
‘Why must my money always get in the way? If you’d been the one with money, you wouldn’t expect me to mind about it.’
A strange look passed over his face. ‘If I’d had money it would have been my pleasure to give you everything. As it is, every natural impulse I have is checked. How am I supposed to feel married to you when I have nothing to give?’
‘But accepting gladly is a kind of giving. If your acceptance makes the other person happy-don’t you see?’
‘How can I accept gladly when I know that this is all really for Benedict Steen?’ There was a new, dangerous edge on his voice. ‘Don’t you think it’s time we discussed your relationship with that man?’
‘You mean, am I in love with Benedict? You’ve been listening to Larry.’ In her earnestness she took Jarvis’s shoulders between her hands and shook him. ‘Now, listen you, and listen good. I am not in love with Benedict. OK, I made him a loan of ten million dollars and perhaps I’ll lose it. That might prove I need my head examined; it does not prove I’m in love with him. End of story. He’s married.’
‘And on the verge of divorce, apparently.’
‘Not if he can prevent it. He loves Amanda, and that’s fine by me.’
A doubt came into Jarvis’s eyes. ‘Honestly?’
She shook him again. ‘Yes, honestly. I’m going to New York to tie things up and make sure I hire the bookkeeper.’
‘And what happens then?’
She gave him a teasing look. ‘Depends how much you miss me.’
The next moment she was being crushed in a bear hug and his mouth was on hers in the most demanding kiss he had ever given her. Even in the secrecy of their nighttime selves he’d never spoken so clearly of ruthless desire and purpose.
She grew still in his arms, relishing the movements of his lips, savouring the long, long moments of passion that were sending messages scurrying through her. In another moment she would abandon the trip altogether.
When he released her he was breathless and there was a glow in his eyes that thrilled her.
‘That’s how much I’ll miss you,’ he gasped. ‘If you want to know more, you’ll have to come back to me.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
S HE told herself that it was good to be back in New York, where there were people who wanted her. Benedict’s gorgeous new premises on Fifth Avenue were almost ready to open for business, and he was about to launch his collection. She began spending her time there, enjoying the satisfaction of seeing the project come to fruition, just as she’d always hoped.
But as his professional dreams were being realised Benedict was still deeply unhappy, and at last Meryl decided it was time for decisive action. One evening she slipped into the darkened building and past the security guard, who recognised her but raised his eyebrows at the young woman with her. Meryl put her finger over her lips and passed on, accompanied by the other woman.
Upstairs she found Benedict still working, tearing his hair and looking exhausted.
‘Hi, honey!’ he said in a frazzled voice. ‘I was just leaving for a stiff drink.’
‘I’ve got something much better for you than a stiff drink,’ Meryl told him. ‘Here.’ She pushed her companion forward.
Benedict froze at the sight of her and his lips shaped one word soundlessly. ‘Amanda?’
Amanda didn’t speak, just stood looking at her husband with her heart in her eyes.
‘Get on with it, the pair of you,’ Meryl said in kindly exasperation. ‘And don’t speak to me again until you’ve made up.’
On her way out she paused at the door just long enough to enjoy the sight of Amanda and Benedict in each other’s arms. Smiling, she went downstairs and took a cab to her apartment, which suddenly seemed emptier than ever before.
The following evening her friends, ecstatic over their reunion, invited her to the home they were sharing again, and toasted her joyfully.
‘We must have a party to celebrate,’ Benedict declared. ‘We’ll have it in the new place, so we can use it as a rehearsal for the big party when we open.’
‘My romantic lover!’ Amanda said, eyeing him cynically.
Meryl laughed. ‘He’s like a kid where parties are concerned.’
The lovers squabbled amiably for a while, then they laughed and fell into each other’s arms. Meryl made an excuse to leave. Their happiness was charming but it emphasised that she was alone here.
As she relaxed on her own sofa later that night she reflected that that was how married people ought to be, sometimes bickering but always loving, and knowing that ultimately they couldn’t bear to be
apart.
She wondered what Jarvis was doing this minute. Was he pining for her as Benedict had pined for Amanda? At one time she would have said not, but now she remembered the way he’d kissed her, and a certain note in his voice when he’d said, ‘If you want to know more you’ll have to come back to me.’
Oh, yes, he was missing her all right. Perhaps almost as much as she was missing him!
Once, in another life, she’d promised herself that she would make this man want her. It would serve him right for being so dismissive. Wanting him hadn’t been part of the plan. But she’d been an adolescent in those days-all of three months ago. Now wanting him was her entire life. Wanting, loving, missing, yearning. He’d turned her into another person, an adult, determined to take on her man in the challenge that ended neither in victory or defeat, but in joy.
If only she could go right back to him now! But she was packing up her entire life, and every detail took time. So she forced herself to work thoroughly, not wanting to have to return later.
For the party Benedict designed Meryl a figure-hugging garment in scarlet, made of some silky, clinging material.
‘It’s a bit low in the front,’ she protested. ‘And I won’t be able to wear anything under it. It would show every line.’
‘That’s the idea,’ he assured her. ‘Eroticism with dignity.’
The gorgeous garment made her feel intensely sensual. The woman who wore this dress was trying to tempt a man to remove it. And when she was home again with the awkward, prickly individual who’d claimed a heart no other man had even threatened, she would give him a private showing.
On the big night she worked hard on her appearance, and knew she could rival any model. It was the kind of party that had once filled her life. The lights glittered, the food was excellent, the wine was the best. She arrived to find the place already packed. Benedict and Amanda appeared at her elbow.
‘Bless you darling!’ Amanda said, throwing her arms about Meryl. ‘We owe it all to you. Oh, thank you, thank you!’
She hugged her friend exuberantly, kissing her on both cheeks. Everyone around them roared delight, so Meryl guessed they all knew the story of how she’d played Cupid.
‘Now me,’ Benedict said, seizing Meryl up into his arms and kissing her heartily on each cheek, then her mouth. ‘It’s all right, Amanda knows she doesn’t have to be jealous.’ He winked at his wife. ‘Not after last night.’
More laughter. Champagne. Music. Dancing.
Some of the guests were journalists from fashion magazines, invited to inspect the new premises. She took them on a tour, proud of the cream and silver salon, the spacious dressing rooms, the fabulous collection behind securely locked doors. Along the centre of the main hall was a large catwalk, big enough to take five models walking side by side. Just now it was being used for dancing.
Meryl danced the night away, enjoying herself but beginning to realise nervously that her dress was even more outrageously daring than she’d guessed. Eventually she found herself dancing with Benedict, who eyed her décolletage with intense professional interest.
‘It’s not holding up as well as I thought,’ he observed, pointing to the offending part. ‘After all this dancing you’re showing more bosom than I meant you to.’
‘Now you tell me.’
At last she gave up, and stepped off the catwalk, breathless.
‘Meryl, wonderful to see you.’
Everett Hamlin was smiling at her. After the hugs and greetings she said, ‘Is Brenda here, too?’
‘’Course she is. Wouldn’t miss it for the world. We’ve got a friend of yours with us. Sarah Ashton.’
‘Of course, you met her at the wedding.’
‘That’s right. Terrific woman. Really knows her horses. Now where is she?’ He looked around.
‘Don’t worry,’ Meryl said quickly. ‘We’ll find each other. Tell me how you are…’
They drifted away together. In a few moments Meryl had forgotten Sarah. The party was a great success, the perfect rehearsal for the big one, the showing of the collection. As the dawn broke and the last guest had gone, she, Benedict and Amanda, were sitting with their heads together.
Jarvis met Sarah at the airport. ‘Good to have you back, my dear,’ he said, hugging her. ‘Let’s have some tea.’
When they were sitting in a café he observed, ‘You were supposed to be staying longer. Couldn’t live without us, I suppose?’
‘After what I saw I wanted to come home as soon as possible,’ she said in a low voice.
‘Sarah, what’s the matter. You look as if you’ve been crying.’
‘Oh, Jarvis, I don’t know how to tell you-it’s so terrible-’
‘What can be that terrible?’ he said, laughing. He was quite unsuspicious.
‘I went to a party in New York. It was given by Benedict Steen in that place she’s bought him. He and Meryl-’
‘Sarah, it’s all right. They’re just friends. She’s explained it all to me.’
In silence Sarah laid two pictures on the table.
The photographer who’d covered the party was good at his job. His work was sharp, with every detail in focus. It was a toss-up which shot was better, the one of Meryl dancing with Benedict, looking up into his face while he laughed down at her, his hand pointing towards her half-revealed breasts, or the one showing the two of them kissing.
‘I see,’ Jarvis said in a colourless voice. ‘I think we should get off home now.’
He rose and walked away. Sarah was a little disappointed that he left the pictures behind, but no matter. They’d served their purpose.
Another fifteen minutes and she would call Jarvis. Another ten minutes. Like a child postponing a treat Meryl watched the clock, counting the seconds until she could allow herself the pleasure.
Their phone calls always had an air of unreality. There was good-humoured banter and an undercurrent of tension, connected with the fierce kiss he’d given her. There had been another one when he saw her off at the airport, but that had been a restrained ‘married’ kiss, suitable for the eyes of strangers. The other had hinted at the passionate unrestraint of lovers, and that was the one she wanted to hurry back to.
Five minutes, four…
The phone rang.
‘Meryl?’
As soon as she heard Jarvis’s voice a smile spread all over her, and it was there in her own voice as she replied. ‘Yes, it’s me.’
But then everything went horribly wrong, as though the world had turned to ice around her, leaving her shivering and disbelieving.
Jarvis’s voice was more hostile than she’d ever heard it. ‘I trusted you. Fool that I was, I trusted you.’
‘Jarvis, what are you-?’
‘Not at first, mind you,’ he went on as though she hadn’t spoken. ‘At first I knew more or less what you were up to, and I wasn’t interested. That was what annoyed you, wasn’t it? A man who wasn’t interested. You can’t stand that. So you set yourself to bring me to heel, just for the pleasure of showing me who had the power.’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Benedict Steen. A man you dance with half-naked and kiss in front of all the world. I’ve seen the pictures. Did you think they wouldn’t get back to me?’
‘Sarah,’ she breathed.
‘Yes, Sarah saw what you were up to.’
‘And made the worst of it.’
‘Is there any worst or best when my wife cavorts half-naked with her lover for anyone to see?’
‘He isn’t-’
‘Oh, please, I’ve heard that speech, and you were so convincing. But then you always were when you wanted to deceive me.’ She thought she heard a shuddering breath, and when he spoke again his voice wasn’t quite steady.
‘I was the last man in the world you could have persuaded, but that was the point, wasn’t it? The more I fought you, the greater your victory. You should be very proud of yourself, Meryl, because in the end you took me in complete
ly. I was even falling in lo-’ Suddenly he couldn’t go on.
‘Jarvis, listen,’ she said urgently. ‘Benedict is back with his wife, and I made it happen. That party was to celebrate their reconciliation.’
‘Indeed! And I suppose his wife was watching while you kissed him.’
‘Yes, she was, and she was having the laugh of her life-’
‘Meryl, let it go.’ Jarvis sounded very tired. ‘You’ve won. I give in. Hang my scalp from your belt if it’s that important, just don’t come back to Larne. We made a deal and we’ve each kept our side. Leave it there.’
Meryl’s temper had been rising, and now it burst out. ‘No, damn you! I won’t leave it there. How dare you judge me without a hearing!’
‘Those pictures speak for themselves. What do I need to hear?’
‘Try listening to the truth, even if it doesn’t fit neatly into your preconceived ideas. I’ve always known you were a hard, judgmental man, but I thought we might find some love, and maybe it would be enough to make you ease up. But that’s not good enough for you, is it?
‘I haven’t been playing games, Jarvis. I love Larne. I could have loved you. But you don’t want to be loved. That’s what you can’t accept. Not just material things, but the love that goes with them. Love means taking risks, making mental leaps, and you find it safer to stay in your suspicious world. Everyone’s bad in there, and that’s how you like it, because that way you know what to think.
‘So stay in it. Never fear my coming back, because I won’t, ever. I haven’t played you false, and one day you’ll know that. But don’t bother trying to tell me because I’m finished! I’ve got better things to do with my life than spend it banging my head against a brick wall.’
Thousands of miles away Jarvis heard the click as she slammed down the phone. He had no way of hearing her storm of sobs.
Somehow life went on. Workmen arrived at Larne to start on the central heating. It was too late to cancel it now. That would invite too many questions, and Jarvis hadn’t the heart. A lassitude had descended on him. Everywhere he saw signs of new hope such as once he hadn’t dared dream of. And suddenly it all seemed so futile.
