They jogged for a good while, and then Carolyn asked, “Tell me something, Jules. I saw Milan giving me some pretty nasty glares last night. Did your little disagreement have anything to do with me?” She avoided looking at him as she asked him the question. “You don’t have to say if you don’t want to.”
“No, it’s alright,” he cleared his throat. “Well, yeah a little bit. But not really,” he hastened to add, “It really had nothing to do with you or anything you did.”
“Oh,” she said quietly, “I thought so. I’m sorry you fought because of me.”
“We weren’t fighting because of you,” he said almost too soft for her to hear. “It’s like I said, she can be insecure at times and that makes her behave differently. How can I explain this better? Milan is a woman who makes people react. Whether it’s by walking into a room or telling a joke or something, she’s used to getting and keeping people’s attention. She doesn’t have to try, it just happens. When she finds herself in a position where she is not getting a reaction, she starts to doubt herself and she…” Julian paused as he searched for the correct phrasing. “She loses her niceness, let’s say.”
Nicely put Julian.
“I think I know what you mean,” Carolyn said. “So, she lost her niceness last night because I—”
“Because Rhys and Mark and God only knows who else was paying attention to you while she was around. You see? It really isn’t personal at all. It could have been any woman.”
“Oh well, I feel much better now! Come on Julian!”
“What? It’s true?”
Carolyn found it hard to believe that Julian had left Milan at the bar because Milan was feeling insecure. This wasn’t the first time that Carolyn had felt Milan’s barbs. She knew the deal even if Julian refused to see it.
The initial frantic pace of their run had slowed to a comfortable jog while they were talking. They continued to run in silence for a while each lost in their own thoughts. With the wedding fast approaching and their current conversation still hovering around them, Carolyn decided to ask Julian a question that she had wondered about for a long time.
“What is it that made you fall in love with her?”
“Whoa! That’s quite a question,” Julian said on a half-laugh.
She knew it was rather personal and maybe even somewhat inappropriate, but she wanted to know. “I guess I mean what is it about Milan that made you feel that she was the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?”
“You ask the tough questions, don’t you?”
“I always have,” Carolyn countered, taking his comment as a compliment.
It was true. Carolyn had never been one to shy away from a subject and Julian wouldn’t shy away from this one. Why had he decided to marry Milan? It was a tough question, though it shouldn’t be.
He wished that when he looked at Milan his heart cried out, “She is the reason everything makes sense in the world!” The truth was that his heart was strangely quiet on the subject.
“Milan’s a great person. She’s kind and gentle. It’s a side she doesn’t show to most people but it is there. She’s beautiful. She’s independent. She’s smart.”
“But how does she make you feel?” Carolyn pressed him.
Julian thought about what he really felt when he was with Milan. She made him feel confident. She was stunningly beautiful—the common man’s Halle Berry—and when he went somewhere with her he felt like people looked at him differently because he was with her.
Milan was the kind of woman that met people’s expectations for him. They looked good together and he knew it. He also knew that he proposed to her because they had come to that point where they had been together for so long that it was the next logical step.
At the time, he supposed that he had convinced himself that he wanted his future to be with her. If he was to be honest with himself, in his heart he knew that the restlessness he had felt tonight was not because of too much energy. He was restless because Milan did not make him happy.
“How does Milan make me feel?” he repeated Carolyn’s question. “I’m lucky to have her.”
***
After their run, Julian drove Carolyn home and came inside to get some water. The house was muggy, so Carolyn suggested they sit outside and relax for a few minutes. Julian followed her through the dark house and out the kitchen door to the back veranda. They both sat on opposite sides of the top step leaning up against the railing.
Carolyn hadn’t switched on the porch light and he was glad. After their talk he felt a little vulnerable and preferred the inky cover of night to shield him from Carolyn’s observant eyes.
They were both quiet, looking up at the pinpoints of light twinkling in the sky. The moon was a sliver of itself and cast an opalescent light on the yard. Just enough light for Julian to see the outline of Carolyn’s face.
He rested his head back against the post and watched her through half-slit eyes. The gentle fall and rise of her chest as she breathed. The flutter of her eyelashes as she tried to make out the constellations. Carolyn, you take my breath away.
“Did you say something?”
Julian jumped at her voice. She was looking straight at him; he felt her eyes probing him in the dark. Had he said something? Had he spoken his thoughts aloud? He stared back at her. She didn’t seem horrified.
“No, I didn’t say anything.”
Carolyn leaned her head back against her post, mimicking his position, and turned her attention back to the sky. Julian’s heart rate slowly returned to normal as he silently berated himself. What are you doing, Julian? This is not right. You’ve got to stop this. It’s insane. This is Carolyn. You’ve known her practically all your life. She’s your best friend’s sister. She’s not your fiancée!
She’s not my fiancée.
Julian closed his eyes trying to block out his thoughts. Say nothing. See nothing. Listen to the sounds of the night, feel the warm breeze against your skin.
“I had a good time tonight, Jules,” Carolyn interrupted his thoughts. “Thanks for inviting me.”
He didn’t respond, he just listened to the sound of her voice.
“We should do this again sometime,” she said.
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
It was true. It had been as if they had stepped into their own little world tonight. One he’d love to revisit. “I’ve never done this with Milan,” he said and the realization surprised him. “I’ve never been this way with Milan, just quiet and at peace.” Carolyn waited for him to continue.
“You asked me earlier about my feelings for Milan. The truth is I’m not sure what my feelings are for her right now. There’s an energy between us—something electric. A buzz. We’re always plugged in. It’s…tiring. Sometimes, I just want this. This peace.
“Now that we’re getting married, I mean, the wedding is so close and I’m sitting here. Wondering. You know? I’m wondering if I’ll ever feel this peace again.”
That admission did not cost him as much as he’d feared. He felt better having finally shared his true feelings. It had been a dull ache pressing on him as the wedding drew closer. He had wanted to tell someone but couldn’t, because merely saying it implied that there was a problem. That wasn’t the case though. He just needed to acknowledge that he was aware that life was changing and that he’d have to give something up in order to gain something better. Did that mean he couldn’t mourn the loss? Not in his mind, but another person might not agree, though he hoped Carolyn would.
She leaned over and squeezed his hand. “You will.”
They sat holding hands on the back steps until finally Carolyn asked the question that had been hanging in the air. “Julian, do you love Milan?”
He’d opened himself up for that. Maybe he’d wanted someone to press him on it and force him to answer. Maybe he just wanted to tell someone what he’d been feeling so that they could tell him it was okay. “I thought I did. But now, I just don’t know.”
M
ovement caught Julian’s eye. He turned and glimpsed the shadow of a person leaving the kitchen. Suddenly self-conscious, he removed his hand from Carolyn’s and stood up.
“I should go. It’s late. Milan…well, I’m sure she’s wondering where I am.”
His concern that Milan might be worrying about him filled the sudden space between them.
Carolyn looked at him as if she wanted to help him, but had no idea how. She reached up to embrace him, but, unsure of himself and very vulnerable, he caught her wrists in his hands, holding her from him, “Don’t. I’ve really got to go.”
Luke came into the kitchen in search of a cool drink to assuage his thirst on this hot night and heard voices coming through the screen door. From the shadows he observed his sister and Julian on the steps. They were holding hands in the dark and speaking in hushed tones. Instinct told him he was intruding and stopped him from going to the fridge. He left the room as quietly as he had entered and went back to bed.
Not long after, Carolyn tapped lightly on his door, unsure if he was still up. He was. She climbed into bed with him pushing him into the corner.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“So I gathered. What’s on your mind, sis?”
“Nothing. It’s hot.”
Luke’s room was the coolest in the house.
“Yeah,” they lay quietly, trying not to move.
“We’re really going to have to get air conditioning, Luke.”
“Wuss.”
“Do you know where Rhys is?” she asked after a moment.
“No idea.”
“I wish he was here. I need to talk to him.”
“I’m sure he’ll be around tomorrow,” Luke assured her.
“I’m worried about Julian.”
Luke waited, knowing she’d continue at her own pace.
“I have to talk to Rhys about him. He’ll know what to do.”
“What do you mean? Is something wrong?”
“I’m not sure really. I just think Jules could use a friend. It’s good that Rhys is back.”
“I see. So that rules me out?” Luke asked with a slight edge to his voice.
“What? No. I guess you could talk to him. I just think that maybe Rhys could give him some guidance. I mean they are best friends,” Carolyn let out a long yawn.
“Amazing.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Go to sleep Carolyn. It’s late.”
MONDAY
CHAPTER EIGHT
Early Monday morning Rhys found his siblings asleep in Luke’s room. Carolyn was curled up in a ball and Luke was squeezed against the wall in the little space she left him. Rhys rested his hand on her head lightly. She nuzzled the pillow, but didn’t wake up. Luke, always a light sleeper, had woken when Rhys entered the room.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Where’d you disappear to? Carolyn was looking for you,” Luke whispered.
“I was hanging out with Cera. I crashed at her place.”
“I kinda figured.”
“What did Carolyn want?”
“You’re gonna have to ask her. It’s one of those things only you can handle, apparently.”
“Can’t wait. Maybe I can escape before she sees me,” they both smiled. “Come on sleepy head. Come make me something to eat.”
The two brothers slipped out of the room careful not to wake their sister.
Still sluggish, Luke shuffled toward the pantry for the cereal but Rhys stopped him, demanding Luke’s award winning pancakes.
“C’mon, man! You would deny me your special flapjacks? The ones with the secret combination of cinnamon and honey that only you can make. The ones that I haven’t had in forever. The ones I’ve been drea—”
“Alright, I’ll make them,” Luke tried to sound exasperated but secretly he was pleased. Say what you want about Rhys, he had a way of making people feel special. Little things that nobody else would remember or even notice somehow managed to register on Rhys’ radar. Luke gathered the ingredients from their various spots in the kitchen.
“Let me ask you something,“ Rhys pulled out a chair and made himself comfortable at the table. “What’s your take on Jules and Milan? I mean that whole thing the other night. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know. Why you asking me?”
“Don’t give me that. I know you. You know everything. You read people better than anyone I know. What’s the deal?”
The image of Julian and Carolyn holding hands last night flashed through his mind along with the memory of Milan’s sweet kiss, but Luke stifled the impulse to tell Rhys about it. Luke had always been able to talk to his brother and he couldn’t deny that Carolyn was right last night about wanting to turn to him. Rhys had always been the go-to man when situations crept up. Luke couldn’t hold it against her that she would turn to Rhys now rather than him. After all, Rhys was home and had slipped back into his rightful place as group leader. Even so, Luke was not ready to talk to him about Milan.
“Probably just wedding jitters. Cold feet.”
Rhys let out a bark of laughter, “When has Julian been jittery about anything? C’mon Luke, this is Julian!”
Luke scooped flour into a glass mixing bowl and without looking up said, “You and I both know one thing he’s always been jittery about,” Luke’s tone caught Rhys’ attention. He looked across the table at his younger brother who merely raised his eyebrows back at him.
“What are you saying?” Rhys asked.
Luke shrugged and sprinkled cinnamon into the flour in his mixing bowl. “Nothing. I just think that maybe it’s time for Julian to admit some things to himself—and maybe some other people. You know, before it’s too late.”
* * *
The return of the work week found everyone except Rhys falling back into routine. Luke, however, was having a hard time getting into the swing of things. Alone in the studio, he couldn’t seem to make the photo composition work. He was on assignment for a small catalog and the pieces were not coming together in an appealing manner.
It didn’t help that he couldn’t focus. His mind had spent the greater part of the day thinking about Milan. And Julian. And Carolyn. And himself. Everything was getting confused in his mind. Imaginary what ifs now seemed startlingly plausible. Each one took Luke’s mind further away from the task at hand and the catalog was suffering for it.
He had been squinting through the camera lens, finger on the shutter release, for—he didn’t know how long—when he finally mustered up the courage to call her.
She didn’t answer on the first ring or the second. After the fourth ring Luke was just about to disconnect when he heard her voice loud and clear through the receiver.
“ …and tell Janine to put the table over there. Yes?”
Surprised at the hard voice on the line, Luke hesitated.
“Helloooooo?” her impatient voice prompted him.
“Hi. Milan, it’s me, Luke James.”
“Luke James…? Oh Luke!” Her voice softened to a purr, ”Hi Luke. What a nice surprise. I most definitely wasn’t expecting to hear a friendly voice on the other end of the line. How are you, honey?”
“I’m good, thanks. You?”
“I wish I were as good as you. These people are trying my nerves. I swear I’m gonna get me a cattle prod soon and see if that’ll get through to them.”
“I’m sure they’ll love to be branded by you.”
“Well, they’ll be scarred for life, that’s for sure,” Milan chuckled sweetly. “So Luke, this is a first, you calling me at work. Is everything alright? Is it Julian?” Luke heard a slight twinge of panic creep into her voice as the thought of an emergency entered her mind.
“No, no. Julian’s fine. I just was thinking maybe you might like to—if you haven’t already, that is—that maybe you might have time to grab a quick bite with me for lunch. If you haven’t had lunch yet today, already. So I thought I’d give you a call and see if you had had lunch yet.”
God, he wanted to stab himself in the eye! Such an eloquent invitation that was.
“Could you hold on?” through the phone Luke could hear her issue orders to someone, “I said put the table over there, so that means over there, not there. There! Right. Sorry, work stuff,” she paused as if considering something, then added, “You know lunch sounds like a nice idea. I’d love to get out of here for a few. Why don’t you meet me at 13th and Chestnut in fifteen? There’s a place with outside seating. Does that work for you?”
“Sounds good. I’ll see you in a few.”
Relieved, Luke put away his camera and the twinge of guilt he felt for asking Julian’s fiancée out to lunch. He hadn’t expected Milan to even take his call, much less accept his impromptu invitation. It didn’t matter. He was overjoyed that he was going have her all to himself if only for a little while. He grabbed his keys from his desk and slipped out of the studio.
Fifteen minutes later he watched Milan walking toward him in that faux-hurried gait of hers. Always stylish, she managed to look like she hadn’t put any thought into her appearance even though she was put together from head to toe. When she got to Luke’s side, she reached up and quickly kissed him hello on his cheek. Her close proximity tickled his nose with her light fragrance.
Milan was very petite and so had to look up at Luke. Her deep brown eyes shone with life and the corners of her eyes crinkled ever so slightly when she smiled. Her head was tipped just a touch to the right in that way that he found so appealing. He caught his breath and opened the door for her, “Shall we?”
The café Milan had chosen was small, but the food was inexpensive and good and the service was fast, making it a popular place for the local business people who crowded the place. Most of them were rushing in and out for takeout so, though the place was packed, there were plenty of seats available for anyone who decided to eat in. She chose a table in the corner and after Luke had seated her, she ordered a garden salad with fat-free dressing and a glass of diet coke—her usual.
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