by Lois Richer
“I’m sorry I hurt you, Mama.” Beth’s hand touched her face, trying to soothe pain she hadn’t caused.
“You didn’t, darling. You make me very proud. I love you, Bethy.” Sophie hugged her daughter tightly. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you,” she whispered against Beth’s flaxen head. “I’m so sorry.”
And Beth, being Beth, immediately forgave her.
This is what your refusal to trust brings, a voice inside her head chided. When are you going to trust God? He loves Beth even more than you do.
“Mama?” Beth wiggled to get free. “When are Mr. Cowboy and Davy coming back?”
“Soon,” Sophie said after checking her watch. “Want to help me get things ready?”
“Sure.” Beth trailed beside her into the house. “Then we can talk more about me singing.” She tilted her head to peer into Sophie’s face, her concern visible. “Are you worrying, Mama?”
“No, sweetie,” she said past the lump in her throat. “I just want you to be happy.”
“I am.” Beth did a pirouette, eyes shining with joy. “I’m always happy.”
“I know.” Why aren’t I?
And then Tanner’s image slid through her mind and an effervescent giddiness began bubbling inside. He was such a great guy. Thinking about him made her happy. And it shouldn’t.
As Sophie worked to assemble lunch, she had to remind herself that these soft feelings for Tanner had to be routed. He was committed, caring and determined to fulfill Burt’s dream. That was great. But there could be nothing romantic between them.
Because you won’t trust him? her brain demanded.
“I can’t,” she whispered. “I just can’t take that risk again.”
Trusting in others had ended badly before. No matter how much she admired Tanner Johns, Sophie could not get past those memories.
* * *
“It seems I keep repeating this, but thanks again for serving a great lunch, Sophie. Those pizza bun things were delicious.” Tanner waved as the school bus filled with happy kids pulled out of the yard. “I think Davy’s classmates had a good time and learned something.”
“I’m sure they did.” She edged away from him and entered the kitchen, distracted by the way her pulse leaped whenever he was near. “Davy said you made it very interesting. And of course he loved Moses’s spiel. History seems to be growing on my son.”
“What’s wrong?” Tanner gripped her arm so she had to face him. “I know something happened because Beth kept peeking at you with a worried look. So tell me.”
“It’s nothing important. Just—I’m sending her back to school.” There. She’d said it. And now she felt like a part of her lay exposed and raw. “I’ve done the best I could these past months. I think she’s learned a lot. But it’s time for her to return to school.”
“And that bothers you.” He poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down. “Why?”
Sophie glanced toward the patio to check Beth’s location, not wanting her daughter to overhear her fears.
“She’s gone with Moses to see a new calf.” Tanner patted the chair next to him. “Talk, Mama.”
“I think I messed up by taking her out of school,” Sophie admitted after she’d sat down. She sipped her coffee thoughtfully.
“Why did you do that?” he asked.
“I overheard some kids teasing her one day when I picked her up.”
“Beth was upset?” Tanner’s lips tightened. She loved him for caring so much.
“That’s the odd thing. As I think back on it now, I don’t believe it bothered her unduly. But it sure got to me. I was furious. I wanted to protect her,” she admitted sheepishly.
“You wanted to punish the nasty kids,” Tanner corrected and chuckled when she glared at him. “I think that’s a mother’s instinct. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Yes, there is.” It hurt to admit it. Sophie set down her cup, picked up one of the cookies she’d made earlier and nibbled on its corner. A moment later she put it down. “I thought I’d decided to homeschool Beth to protect her, but actually I did it to make me feel better.”
“Huh?” Tanner poured himself another cup of coffee, topped up hers, then returned to his seat across from her. He chose another cookie as he waited for her to continue.
“You might not realize it but I’m a bit of a control freak, Tanner.” She frowned when he choked on his coffee, then coughed to clear his throat.
“You might not realize it, Sophie, but that’s a bit of an understatement.” His teasing amusement stretched a grin across his face.
“Okay. Make fun of me.” Her face burned with embarrassment. “But my decision to homeschool has hurt Beth. I feel better when she’s with me, but she doesn’t. She’s lonely and she wants more friends. I cheated her of that because I was too afraid to let her handle the teasing, the snubs and whatever else those kids dished out.”
“Sophie, you did your best for her.” Tanner’s hand slid over hers, warm and comforting. “That’s what a mom is supposed to do.”
“A mother isn’t supposed to make her kid afraid to say what she wants for fear she’ll make me worry.” She pulled her hand from his, hating the knowledge that she’d failed her children. First Davy and now Beth.
What kind of mother was she?
“What are you really worried about, Sophie?” Tanner’s quiet question surprised her. “Let me guess. You’re afraid something will happen and you won’t be there to protect Beth.”
“Yes.” She lifted her chin. “She’s an innocent, Tanner. I don’t want her hurt. Or Davy.”
“But they will be hurt, Sophie,” he said quietly. “One way or another life hurts all of us. It’s part of living.” He leaned forward to stare earnestly into her eyes. “You can’t protect them from everything, and even if you could it wouldn’t be healthy. Beth and Davy have to learn to deal with life’s problems on their own. That’s how they grow.”
“It’s just so hard to stand back and let it happen when I could prevent it,” she murmured.
“Has preventing it made Beth happy?” He smiled when she shook her head, then reached up to brush the hair from her cheek so he could stare into her eyes. “Beth isn’t alone, you know.”
She frowned at him, enjoying the touch of his fingertips against her skin. “Meaning?”
“Beth and Davy are God’s children and He loves them far more than you ever could.” Tanner’s soft voice oozed faith. “Whenever your kids encounter a problem, God’s right there beside them, helping them through.”
“Why doesn’t He stop it?” she demanded, edging away from his touch because that familiar yearning to lean on him had started up again. “Why must they go through it?”
“Sophie, think back on your life. Would you prefer to be alone, without Davy and Beth?”
“No.” She glared at him. “Of course not. They are my everything.”
“But having two kids is hard on you. You went through a lot of suffering because you had two kids to care for, right?” He waited for her nod. “So wouldn’t it have been better to have avoided all that by simply not having them or giving them away for adoption?”
She stared at him, unable to believe he’d said that. Then the light dawned. “You’re saying sometimes the pain is worth it.”
“Yes. Davy is quickly reaching the stage where you soon won’t be in control of who he meets or where he goes.” His voice rebuked her in a tender tone. “Isn’t it smarter to give him to God and trust He’ll keep Davy safe instead of fighting to control everything yourself?”
“You’re single, with no family—at least not that I know of. How do you know so much about kids and parenting, Tanner Johns?” Sophie suddenly saw the big cowboy in a fresh light. “I think you’re one of those men who are born fathers.”
She smiled at
his surprised look, then rose to clean up the kitchen. Tanner simply sat there staring at her as if she’d told him his cattle were dinosaurs.
“No, that’s not it,” he said in a choked voice, breaking a long silence. “That’s not it at all. I’d be a lousy dad. I’ll go check on Beth.” He left, striding across the yard as if chased by a bull.
Surprised by his rapid departure, Sophie studied his disappearing figure and realized how alone the cowboy was. Despite a full slate of staff and his friendly interaction with anyone who came to Wranglers, Tanner somehow remained aloof. Because it just happened that way, or was that his choice?
Get your mind off Tanner, Sophie, and clean up this mess. You have that anniversary party to cater tonight, remember?
But her brain wouldn’t leave the subject alone. When Tanner later waved her and Beth off, Sophie’s last view of him was a solitary figure standing tall and strong, but alone.
She wondered what it would be like to live on Wranglers Ranch.
With Tanner? an inner voice asked.
She refused to answer it.
* * *
“Sophie’s supposed to arrive soon with food for that Big Brothers group the church is bringing,” Tanner said the following Friday, striving to mask the anger he felt. “Keep her and the kids away from here, okay, Moses?”
“Her boy won’t like it,” Moses reminded. “He likes to walk Goliath around this way.”
“Not today. Tell Davy we need him to accompany the group on their ride. I’ll clear it with Sophie.” Tanner pressed his lips together. “Whatever you do, don’t let anyone near this mess.”
“You know who you ticked off that would do this?” Moses asked, surveying the charred remains of the old log cabin he’d been restoring.
“No,” Tanner muttered but in the back of his mind he saw the face of Tige, a former street gang leader who’d been an addict back when Tanner had lived on the streets. Was their meeting in the grocery store yesterday coincidental?
A prickly warning he hadn’t felt in ten years feathered up his spine. Was this fire Tige’s doing?
“Ask Lefty to use the loader to clean this up, will you? He can scrape it right down so it looks like we’re clearing a spot.”
“Sure. The police?” Moses’s arch look said the question was perfunctory.
“They’re certain it was arson but found no clues so they’re not hopeful about finding the culprit. Can you ask the boys to keep it quiet that we had some vandalism last night? We don’t want to alarm anyone.”
He waited for Moses’s nod before walking toward the house, but he couldn’t silence his brain from repeating the question uppermost in his mind. What did I do wrong, God? Don’t You want me to go for Burt’s dream?
It wasn’t that he didn’t trust God anymore, but they’d come so close to losing everything. Wranglers Ranch land was tinder dry. If he hadn’t happened to wake up around two and smell the smoke...
Tanner checked that the wood was stacked and ready on the patio, the only safe place to have a campfire after the ride. Then he made sure the tack the group would use was in perfect condition. As he did his mind replayed the previous day’s events.
He’d never expected to see Tige again, let alone in a grocery store. Nothing much had changed. Lulu still hugged his side like a leech, eyes glazed, blond hair stringy and thinner than Tanner had ever seen her. She was using. Tige was, too, though he was better at hiding the effect of his last fix.
“How are you, buddy?” Tige had slapped him on the back. Years ago that slap would have felled Tanner but he’d toughened up a lot since he’d been that helpless kid living on the street under Tige’s auspices. “You still a cowboy?” he’d said, studying the boots and hat Tanner wore. “Musta stayed with that guy who kept hounding you, huh?”
“Yeah.” Tanner hadn’t wanted to give too much away. “And you?” Two kids hung on the sidelines. “These your babies?” He’d been astonished to see them so grown.
“Yeah. Teenagers are pests.” Lulu had brusquely brushed off the two teens’ request for money for a soda and Tige’s language to them was no less rough. The boys had cowered away with shamed faces and scared looks.
Tanner’s heart went out to them. How well he remembered feeling shrunken, worthless and afraid when he was with Tige.
“Good-looking boys,” Tanner said with a smile in their direction.
“Think they’d make good cowboys, like you?” Tige’s smile held no warmth.
“Maybe.” The ice cream in Tanner’s hands dripped with condensation. He held up the container to show them. “This is melting. I’ve got to go. Good seeing you.”
“Yeah. Likewise. Hey, maybe we can get together, reminisce about old times, huh?” Tige’s cagey smile had bothered Tanner but he’d pretended to be enthusiastic.
“Sure. Where you at now?” he asked.
“Oh, here and there. No fixed address, you know.” Tige’s face turned cunning. “You?”
Since Tanner couldn’t lie he gave the best answer he could. “Same place.”
“Still with Amy?” Tige’s sly tone said he knew the truth.
“I haven’t seen her since the day I left,” Tanner said, keeping his face impassive. He held up the ice cream. “I’m getting soaked. See you around.”
“Say, Tanner.” Tige’s fingers on his arm were not gentle. “Can you lend me a couple of bucks?” His eager look bounced from Lulu to the kids and back. “My check got held up.”
“I haven’t got much but I’ll give you what I can.” Tanner had been glad he’d left his wallet in his truck. “Let’s see,” he said, pulling his money from his pocket. “I’ve got maybe a hundred and twenty five after I pay for the ice cream. Will that—”
“You can have your ice cream another time, okay?” Tige had snatched all the money. “Thanks, buddy. Good seeing you.” Clutching his cash, Tige had hurried away with Lulu in tow. The boys looked uncertain as to whether or not they should follow until their mother bellowed. They gave Tanner a look that begged for help.
So he’d done something he probably shouldn’t have.
“If you two ever need a break, come see me at Wranglers Ranch,” he’d said in a very quiet voice, too quiet for their parents to hear.
Now, a day later, this fire told Tanner he should have kept his mouth shut. He felt certain Tige had something to do with it because he’d tried to interfere in Tige’s business by talking to his kids. If his old street mate visited again it would be because he’d figured out that Tanner owned Wranglers. When that happened Tige wouldn’t be satisfied with a measly hundred bucks.
Worried about visitors, but especially worried that Sophie and her kids could be in danger, Tanner had told the police investigators about his past association with Tige. They’d brushed off his concerns. They knew Tige, insisted he wasn’t into arson. He was into drugs, lots and lots of drugs that hurt innocent kids and dragged them down to a life of misery. But arson? They’d shaken their heads.
“Tanner?” Sophie’s voice drew him out of his reverie and back to the present. “Are you okay?” she asked, staring at his bunched forearms.
“Yeah. Sure.” He forced his muscles to relax and smiled. “Can’t a guy daydream?”
“Looked more like a nightmare from your scowl,” she said with a frown. “What was your daydream about?”
“My birthday’s tomorrow,” he said, blurting out the first thing he could think of to evade that curious brown gaze. “March first.”
“Really?” Sophie stared at him for several minutes as if she had trouble believing him. “You looked upset.”
“You’d be upset, too, if you had only three more years in your twenties. I’m getting old.” She didn’t look convinced by his joking so Tanner didn’t push it. He just wanted the conversation off himself. “Everything okay for the ride?”<
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“Sure. Except I didn’t see any ice cream in your freezer.” She kept looking at him as if she knew he was hiding something. “I thought you said you were going to buy a gallon yesterday.”
“I forgot. I can go get it now,” he said, eager to escape her too-knowing gaze. “What flavor do you need?”
“No, don’t make a special trip.” She grinned. “Actually I don’t need it. I made different desserts than I’d planned, chocolate ones. We’ll be fine without ice cream.” She paused, then asked quietly, “Tanner, what’s wrong?”
Thankfully he heard the chug of the church bus just then.
“There are our guests,” he said, forcing enthusiasm into his voice. “Let’s go greet them. Where are Beth and Davy?”
“Talking to Moses.” Sophie eyed him uncertainly but offered no objection when he threaded his fingers with hers and led her toward the group.
Tanner liked the feel of Sophie’s hand in his. At least she trusted him that much. For now—until she learned that associating with him might be a problem. That thought made him release her hand. He couldn’t endanger sweet Sophie or her kids. Maybe it was time to think about hiring some kind of security to prevent another issue like last night’s fire.
Help me protect her and her children, he prayed silently as the group assembled with their horses. Please, God, don’t let anything happen to Sophie. His heart hurt at the thought.
When had Sophie begun to matter so much?
Chapter Eight
“I can’t believe you wrangled a birthday party at Wranglers Ranch without me guessing.” Tanner’s delight at church folks gathered on his patio warmed Sophie’s heart. He thanked them, then asked her, “How did you manage this?”
“I had a little help while you were goofing off up in the hills today.” She smiled at her ranch hand accomplices who led the guests to the pizza buffet line. “I hope I didn’t miss inviting anyone who is important to you.”
“Cowboys do not goof off,” he said sternly, then smiled. “And everyone who’s important to me is already here.”
