“This isn’t about you needing time away, is it? It’s about last night.”
She sucked in a breath. Dear Lord, give her the courage…The half-formed prayer trailed off. No, she wasn’t about to pray that she lied well. She was going to have to figure out how to do that all on her own.
She opened her eyes and turned to face him. It was worse and more difficult than she’d imagined. He looked so perfect this morning, all freshly showered and so damn masculine. She wanted to weep. Now that she knew the truth, it was going to be harder than ever to walk away. Now that she’d felt his strength, and his gentleness, now that she’d tasted him, had him taste her, now that she’d experienced the passion and the need and the magic. She didn’t think she had the strength to leave. But she knew she didn’t have the strength to stay and watch him grow tired of her, then turn his attention on someone else. She could suffer deeply and quickly, then get over it, or she could die a little each day.
It wasn’t much of a choice.
“I was going to tell you later,” she said. “Last night has nothing to do with it. I do need some time off. But not to visit my family.”
He frowned. “You need to get away from me?”
She smiled. “Amazingly enough, Cal, this isn’t about you at all. I got a phone call yesterday morning. Do you remember?”
He nodded.
“It was from someone in New York. A headhunter. He’s set up a few interviews for me. That’s where I’m going. To New York. I’m leaving the company.”
Until she said the words, she hadn’t been sure she was really going to go through with it. But as soon as she spoke, she knew she’d made the right decision. It would be so easy to stay and love Cal forever, to make the decision to die day by day until there was nothing left but an empty shell where a heart and soul had once lived. This was harder, but ultimately better.
Which didn’t explain why she felt as if she were bleeding to death.
She’d thought about this moment a hundred times. She figured Anastasia would express sorrow, but Cal would just take it in stride. She’d pictured the moment, the quiet raising of one eyebrow, the faint smile. “I hate to see you go, but you have to do what’s right. Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to make you stay?” He would be disappointed, maybe even a bit uneasy about breaking in a new assistant—but he wouldn’t be devastated. She’d schooled herself to accept his acceptance with equal, casual grace.
She hadn’t expected the color to drain from his face or his expression to freeze. She hadn’t expected him to glare at her accusingly. “You’re leaving?”
His question put her on the defensive. “It was bound to happen. You can’t have expected me to work for you forever.”
He shoved his hands into his pockets and stared at her. His silence made her uneasy.
“It’s not that I don’t like my job,” she said. “I do. I love the travel and the challenge. You’re great to work for. But I need more. I need—”
“What? What do you need? Explain it to me.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know how to put it into words.” Actually she did, but what made sense in her head had the chance of sounding stupid in real life. “The work is demanding.” She held up a hand to keep him from interrupting. “I don’t mind that. In fact I like it a lot. But I don’t have any time left over for a personal life.”
“You have days off. Evenings, too.”
“When you travel, I go with you. When you want to work late, I’m there at the office. The only time I get to be on my own is when you’re out on a date. If you’re between women, we’re together constantly. That has made it impossible for me to make friends and see them.”
“You mean a man.”
“I mean friends. My whole life revolves around you, Cal. I haven’t minded. In fact, I still don’t mind, but I need more.”
“I see.” But his tone told her he didn’t see at all.
Sabrina was confused. If she didn’t know better, she would say that Cal was hurt by what she was telling him. That didn’t make sense. She’d hoped he would miss her, but this silent accusing reaction was unexpected.
“I’ve really enjoyed working for you. I’ve learned a lot, but it’s time to move on.”
“So you’re leaving.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.”
“And last night? That wasn’t an attempt at a relationship, was it? You were interested in stud service.”
She winced. “Cal, it wasn’t like that.”
He took a step toward her, then stopped. Fire flared in his eyes, but this time it came from anger and hurt, not passion. “It sure the hell wasn’t for me. I don’t know what you were thinking, though. ‘Hey, I’m outta here so let’s screw the boss once, just so I can say I did.’ Is that it?”
“No, never. I wanted—” She pressed her lips together. She didn’t know what to say. In an odd twist of events she didn’t completely understand, she was the one on the defensive. She was pretty sure the nagging feeling at the back of her mind was guilt.
“I haven’t done anything wrong,” she said hotly. “I refuse to feel bad about what happened. You wanted it, too.”
“Yes, I did.” He stared at her. “Why, Sabrina? Why did you want to make love with me?”
She couldn’t answer that one. The truth would only make things worse. He wouldn’t want to hear it and she couldn’t stand the humiliation. “What was last night to you?” she asked, hoping to shift the focus of the conversation.
His mouth twisted at the corner. “Very special. Something I’ll treasure always.”
That hit her where she lived. She felt her eyes burn and had to fight tears. “I refuse to feel guilty about leaving,” she whispered. “I have every right to go.”
“Yes, you do.”
“I worked hard for you. I gave you everything I had. I was worth every penny.”
“That was never in question.”
The tears came, anyway. She felt them roll down her cheeks and had to brush them away. What had gone wrong? When had she lost control of the conversation?
“I’ll be gone only a few days,” she said. “When I get back, I’ll start looking for a replacement.” She sucked in a breath. “As of now, I’m giving you thirty days’ notice that I’m quitting.”
Cal flinched slightly and headed for the door. She wanted him to yell at her and refuse to let her go. She wanted him to throw her on the bed and make love with her until she changed her mind. She wanted him to tell her that she would never be happy with anyone but him. She wanted him to say that he loved her.
He said nothing.
When he reached the doorway, he turned back to face her. This time she was sure she saw pain in his eyes and in the lines bracketing his mouth. But she was confused and didn’t know what it meant.
“I don’t want a replacement, Sabrina. I’ve only ever wanted you,” he said, then left.
She stared after him, knowing that he was talking about work and desperately wishing he meant something else.
As Cal headed downstairs, he tried to think. Sabrina couldn’t be leaving. It wasn’t right. She’d been a part of his life for so long, he wasn’t sure he could survive without her. This wasn’t just about business, either, although he would miss her presence in that area, too. But mostly this was personal. He’d come to depend upon her. He cared about her and had believed she cared about him. How could she walk away from all that?
He crossed to the patio and stared out at the ocean. She was leaving to have a life. What was wrong with the one she had here…with him? Why did she need someone else? He knew that’s what she was talking about. Dating, falling in love, maybe even getting married.
He frowned, trying to remember if Sabrina ever dated. He recalled her mentioning a couple of guys, but that had been a while ago. There hadn’t been anyone special in the past couple of years. He’d had a series of women, but she’d been alone.
He didn’t like it, but in a way he could understand it. Sabrina was a lovely,
vital, giving woman. She needed more. If only—
“Daddy?”
He turned as Anastasia rushed at him. There were tears in her eyes. He held out his arms and she ran into his embrace.
“Daddy, don’t let Sabrina leave. I don’t want her to go.”
He hugged his daughter close. “I don’t want her to go, either, sweetie, but we don’t get a choice in this one.”
“No!” A sob shook her.
“I know it’s hard to understand, but Sabrina has her own life. She only works for me, and that means she’s free to leave whenever she wants.”
Anastasia clung to him. “She’s going forever?”
“Right now she’s leaving for a few days. Then she’ll be back.”
He figured there was no point in dumping the rest of it on his daughter. The time would come when he would have to explain that Sabrina had given notice. But he wanted Anastasia to get used to this smaller hurt, first.
He rocked her in his arms. When the crying slowed, he suggested a board game to distract them both. They’d been playing for about an hour when Sabrina walked out onto the patio. She’d showered and changed. Instead of casual shorts and a T-shirt, she wore tailored slacks and a silk blouse. She had a jacket slung over one arm.
“I have a flight to New York later this morning. The shuttle will be here in a few minutes.”
It hurt to look at her. Cal didn’t want to think about how bad it was going to be when she was gone. “You don’t even want me to drive you to the airport?”
She flinched. “It wasn’t that.” She motioned to the game. “I didn’t want to disrupt your game.”
“I see.” But he knew the truth. She didn’t want to spend any more time with him than she had to. “How long will you be gone?”
“A few days. Maybe a week. I’ll be in touch.”
He shrugged, as if it didn’t matter. Inside, though, he could feel a sharp pain building. He had a feeling it would never go away. “Don’t worry about us. We’ll be fine.”
Sabrina nodded. She bit her lower lip. “I’ll miss you, Anastasia.”
The girl turned toward the view. Cal saw her wipe away a tear, but her voice was strong and uncaring as she said, “I won’t miss you, Sabrina. You’re just the hired help. I’m sure my father will find someone to replace you.”
Sabrina winced. “I’m sure he will.” She turned to Cal. “I’m really sorry about all of this.”
Anastasia’s chair scraped against the cement patio as she pushed it back and lunged for Sabrina. Tears streamed down her face.
“Don’t go,” the girl sobbed. “Don’t go away. I’ll miss you so much. I didn’t mean that. I will miss you.”
Sabrina pulled her close. “I know, honey. I’ll miss you, too.”
“Then why are you leaving?”
“Good question,” Cal told her.
Sabrina stared at him. “I have to.”
Anastasia stepped back and wiped her face with the back of her hand. “Is my dad leaving next? Are you all leaving me?”
Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. Cal rose and moved next to her. “I’m not leaving you, Anastasia. You’re my daughter and you’re going to be with me forever.”
The preteen shook her head. “No. Everybody leaves me.”
Sabrina touched her hair. “It’s not like that.”
“Yes, it is.”
Cal hugged her. “No, it’s not. I have a lot of flaws, kid, but I always keep my word. You can ask Sabrina. I promise I won’t leave you, Anastasia. No matter what, I’ll be here for you.”
“Sabrina?”
Sabrina gave her a shaky smile. “He’s right. He does keep his word. You can trust him.”
Cal felt his daughter’s thin arms wrap around him. She shook as she cried. Over her head, he met Sabrina’s gaze. He wanted to ask why she was doing this to them. Where else was she needed as much? But he couldn’t speak. The words got stuck in his throat, and by the time they were loose, the shuttle driver had knocked on the front door.
“Cal, I—”
“No, Sabrina. It’s what you want. Just go.”
She left without saying goodbye. He told himself they would all be fine. That time was a great healer. But as he held his devastated daughter and felt his own heart slowly crumbling, he wasn’t sure he believed it was ever going to be true.
That night, Cal lay stretched out on top of his daughter’s bed. Anastasia was next to him, curled close under the covers. He turned the page in the book and kept reading. When he reached the end of the chapter, she glanced up at him.
“I’m way too old for this,” she pointed out.
“I’m reading to you because we both like it, not because of your age. It’s fun.”
“I know, but it makes me feel like a kid.”
“I hate to point this out, but you are a kid.”
“Na-uh.”
“Uh-huh.” He touched the tip of her nose. “You’re my kid.”
She leaned her head against his arm. “She’s not going to call tonight, is she?”
He knew the “she” in question was Sabrina. He glanced at the clock. It was nearly ten. Her flight had taken off around eleven that morning, which put her into New York about eight, East Coast time. She would have reached the hotel by ten, which was only seven, their time.
“No,” he said quietly. “She’s not going to call.”
He wanted to protest the unfairness of it all. When he’d gone away, he’d called. She should have the common courtesy to do the same. But there was no one to complain to.
“I miss her,” Anastasia said.
“Me, too.”
“But we’re gonna be okay without her, aren’t we? I mean, we’re fine on our own.”
Her need for reassurance was painfully obvious. He kissed the top of her head. “We’re better than fine. We’re perfect in every way.”
His daughter giggled. “Da-ad.”
“It’s true. You and I are doing great. We had a rocky start, but we’ve recovered. We’re getting to know each other. The whole parent-child relationship can be difficult for both sides, and we’re going to have things to work through, but I’m not worried. You’re a good kid.”
She smiled. “You’re a good dad.”
Her brown eyes were similar to his. He’d often searched her features, trying to figure out what came from him and what she’d inherited from Janice. In many ways, Anastasia was her own person. Perhaps he recognized that more easily than most parents because he’d only recently met her. He hadn’t had a part of her early years.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know about you before,” he said. “I would have liked to have been there from the beginning.”
“Really?”
He nodded. “You’re very special.”
He felt that tightening in his chest again and recognized it for what it was. Love. He, who had grown up in a cold, unwelcoming home, had finally learned how to love someone.
“I love you, Anastasia. No matter what, I’ll always love you.” As he spoke the words, he felt a great warmth inside.
She buried her head against his chest. “I love you, too, Daddy,” she whispered.
He closed his eyes to savor the moment, to try to make it enough, but it wasn’t. No matter how much he loved his daughter, he still missed Sabrina. How had he let her go? How was he going to survive without her around? What choice did he have but to figure it out? As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t make her stay.
Anastasia read his mind. “What about Sabrina, Daddy? She needs to be with us.”
“I know it feels that way now, but we’ll get used to having her gone.”
“I don’t think so.”
“We don’t have a choice. We can’t force her to stay. She wants her own life. She likes her job, but it’s just that. A job. She’s not family, like you and me.”
His daughter drew her knees up to her chest and smoothed the covers. “If you married her, she’d be a part of the family and she’d stay. Married people live
together.”
She imparted the last tidbit in the tone of someone sharing a seldom-discussed fact.
Cal opened his mouth, then closed it. Marry Sabrina? Marry Sabrina? “I can’t,” he said without thinking.
“Why not? You like her, I know you do. If you get married, she’ll have to stay. We’ll be her life.”
Cal felt as if he were tumbling through space. It wasn’t that the thought of marrying Sabrina was so horrible. The idea stunned him, but he had a feeling he could get used to it. The difficulty lay in the asking.
“It’s not that simple.”
Anastasia rolled her eyes. “Adults make everything so complicated.”
“That’s true.”
Later, when she was finally asleep, he walked out onto the beach and stared at the waves. In the darkness they were vague shapes topped by white foam. He inhaled the scent of salt, sand and sea. For the rest of his life, when he thought of Sabrina, this is the smell he would remember. This and the sweetness that was her body.
Marry her, Anastasia had said. It would solve all their problems. Cal was willing to admit that, in theory, that was true. It sounded so simple. Just ask her. Be with her. Love her.
He closed his eyes. Loving Anastasia was safe. She was his child and that bonded them together. But Sabrina was different. She was a woman, at times a difficult and challenging woman. He admired her and respected her and wanted her. But love her? Did he dare?
It would be too easy to let himself fall for her. Maybe he already had. And then what? She could never love him back. That was what he couldn’t explain to his daughter. Sabrina knew the worst about him. She’d seen into the darkness of his soul. She liked him. Apparently she even wanted him in her bed. But love? She was too good. She would choose a very different kind of man.
The truth was, Anastasia was the first person to ever love him. His parents hadn’t, his sister had been too self-absorbed. The women who came and went in his life saw him as a means to an end. He didn’t try to fool himself about that. Even Janice hadn’t wanted to be with him longer than she had to. She’d gotten herself pregnant but had been careful to ensure they didn’t have to marry.
Lone Star Millionaire Page 18
