MANTICORE
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Weapon of Mythical Destruction • FIRST OBSERVED: Al Kumar, Iraq (2005) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 30 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: • Coalition Soldiers, Insurgents, Civilians • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Iraq • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
CENTURIES AGO, WHEN ENEMIES INVADED BABYLON, the king commissioned a sorcerer to conjure up the ultimate weapon. The sorcerer gave life to the hideous manticore, a creature capable of destroying anyone who would not do as the king asked. Parents told this legend to their children to scare them into doing chores. In that regard, the manticore was sort of like the Elf on the Shelf—if the Elf on the Shelf had the body of a winged lion and a scorpion-like tail capable of launching poisonous spikes. For years, even those who told stories of the manticore did not believe it was real. Until now.
STUDY
IN 2007, A short video of an alleged manticore was leaked on the Internet by an unknown source. The video, featuring GNN news correspondent Ashley Pierce, shows a four-legged winged creature running from right to left in the background. Classified Pentagon documents leaked by the same source appear to confirm the creature’s existence.
The documents follow the plight of US Army soldiers with the Tenth Mountain Division. They were searching for Pierce and her cameraman, both missing near Al Kumar. That’s when the soldiers found an empty tomb full of slaughtered civilians. They continued into the city, where they found more civilian casualties—and the manticore (described as a “WMD” in the documents). After losing nine soldiers to the manticore, Master Sergeant Tony Baxter requested air support. The air force sent two F-16s, leveling the abandoned city.
The manticore survived … but not for long. While details are frustratingly sketchy, the documents indicate Sergeant Baxter conclusively disposed of the WMD. GNN’s Ashley Pierce and her cameraman were both killed in the battle. Where the creature came from remains a mystery.
AVOID
UNTIL WE KNOW if there’s more than one manticore (see the following sidebar “Crazy Conspiracy”), you might want to postpone your spring break vacation to the Middle East.
CRAZY CONSPIRACY
Whereas myths say the manticore has the face of a human with three rows of dagger-like teeth, this new creature’s face was clearly lion-like. Skeptics say this is because the manticore was an escaped lion from the Baghdad Zoo. The leaked documents? A hoax. Others believe the manticore was a living weapon of mass destruction created by Saddam Hussein’s genetic engineers.
How to Treat Manticore Poisoning
1. Remove the manticore spike from your friend’s body.
2. Clean and treat the gaping wound.
3. Check for signs of manticore poisoning. Symptoms include:
• Irritation of the eyes, skin, throat, or respiratory tract
• Headache or blurred vision
• Clumsiness or lack of coordination (“Bridget Jones syndrome”)
• Explosive diarrhea
• Crying spells
• Quick, painless death
• Slow, excruciating death
If your friend is exhibiting any of these signs, call for help.
SURVIVE
WE CAN’T LIE about this one—your prospects are grim. Your one shot at survival is to turn the creature to stone.
• Force the manticore to look into its own eyes. This is not easy—manticores are not vain creatures. While a mirror is the obvious weapon of choice, you may want to experiment with more durable reflective surfaces. Suggestions include:
• Polished sheet metal—silver, copper, bronze, etc.
• Reflective Mylar
• Aluminum foil
• Oakley sunglasses
• Whatever you choose to fight back with, hide out of sight until the last minute. You must be very close for your gambit to work. If you’re standing in the open twenty yards away, the manticore will have time to lob a dart from its tail at you—shattering your reflector and ribcage simultaneously.
MEGA PYTHON
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: King of Snakes • FIRST OBSERVED: Miami, Florida (2011) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 10 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Gatoroids, Monkees • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Florida • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
MEGA PYTHONS THRIVE IN TROPICAL AND SUBTROPICAL climates, where they assert their place at the top of the food chain by feeding on other predators and the occasional large slow-moving mammal (consider yourself warned). Aided by steroids and growth hormones, mega pythons can grow to lengths of a hundred yards or more—at least double the size of its unnatural cousin, the piranhaconda. Whereas regular-sized pythons kill by coiling around you and constricting your breathing, mega pythons are too large to bother with such niceties. Instead, a mega python will swallow you alive.
STUDY
WHEN ANIMAL-RIGHTS ACTIVIST Nikki Riley released a pregnant Burmese python from captivity into the Everglades in 2011, she thought she was doing a good deed. Riley had no idea of the havoc she was about to unleash upon the environment. Had she done her research—even a Google search, really—she would have known pythons aren’t native to North America. If allowed to run wild, they will destroy native wildlife—and they did just that.
As the pythons grew, they began killing other predators, such as alligators, coyotes, and panthers, disrupting the food chain. Park ranger Terry O’Hara declared open season on the snakes by introducing steroid-enhanced alligators (see GATOROID).
While the gatoroids thinned the python numbers, several of the snakes got the upper hand against the juiced predators. The pythons absorbed the performance-enhancing drugs, doubling and tripling in size to become “mega pythons.” This was the start of a vicious cycle. Gatoroids that preyed upon the mega pythons increased in size as well, and so on.
After many months of this back and forth, mega pythons and gatoroids the size of school buses were spotted in downtown Miami. Hundreds of people died in the Magic City rumble, including, tragically, Monkees vocalist and drummer Micky Dolenz.
After a heated debate over animal-control tactics, O’Hara and Riley agreed there was only one way to fix the unfolding ecological disaster: Kill them all. They used a crop duster to deploy experimental pheromones over Miami. The reptiles picked the scent up and followed it to a rock quarry, where O’Hara and Riley were waiting. The duo dynamited the mega pythons and gatoroids off the endangered species list and into extinction.
Unfortunately, it was a suicide mission. The O’Hara-Riley Estuary in the Everglades now commemorates their shared sacrifice. “Although they both loved Mother Nature in their own unique way, Nikki Riley and Terry O’Hara learned the hard way that Mother Nature doesn’t always love us back,” mutual acquaintance Diego Ortiz says.
Death by Snake: A Fun Quiz
Match the snakes below with their preferred methods of subduing their quarry (i.e., you).
1. Mega Python
2. King Cobra
3. Piranhaconda
4. Rattlesnake
5. Basilisk
6. Boa Constrictor
7. Knife-faced Viper
A. Injects you with venom
B. Turns you to stone
C. Swallows you whole
D. Stabs you in the face
E. Tears you apart with razor-sharp teeth
F. Coils around your body, constricting your breathing
G. Annoys you by shaking its tail like a maraca, badly out of step with the music’s rhythm
ANSWERS: 1. C, 2. A, 3. E, 4. G, 5. B, 6. F (we pretty much gave you that one), 7. D
AVOID
AUTHORITIES HAVE ASSURED citizens that all of the unnatural snakes were killed. But can we ever be that sure about these things? When in the Everglades, be alert at all times for mega pythons.
• Avoid tall grass. Snakes love to slither around under cover. “A snake in the grass” isn’t an expression that just came out of nowhere, after all.
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br /> • Look up—it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a … super snake! Snakes can climb trees. While tree branches won’t support the weight of an adult mega python, you might catch a youngster hanging out above your head.
• Don’t overturn rocks. A sleeping snake won’t be happy you’ve disturbed it. You might have a difficult time lifting a rock big enough to hide a mega python all on your own—even more reason not to do it. Back problems are no joke.
NATURAL SELECTION
Although the mega python infestation made front-page headlines in 2011, Burmese pythons have been a problem in the Everglades since the seventies. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission holds an annual month-long hunt to keep the python population under control. People aren’t the only ones keeping python numbers down. Fire ants (another invasive species) have been known to swarm and devour pythons alive, leaving behind nothing but bones and broken eggshells. Fire ants have also attacked humans. Their stinging bites can cause pain, swelling, and redness. Unless you’re flat on your back, comatose in a swamp, they’re unlikely to strip you to the bone. Now, mega fire ants are another story (see ANTDEMIC).
SURVIVE
IF YOU SEE a mega python, you’re already too close to outrun it. The good news is they’re not venomous. The bad news is they’re usually big enough to just swallow you whole. Here are your best bets for surviving an encounter.
• Give it a facelift. Have a gun or machete? If the snake is on the smaller side, aim your weapon for its face. Don’t stop shooting or hacking until there’s a stump where its head was.
NOTE: A snake’s severed head can stay alive for up to an hour. Smash the head under the heel of your boot—unless the head is bigger than your boot, of course.
• Let it try to eat you. Lie on the ground perfectly still, with your feet toward the snake. Do not struggle as it begins swallowing you. Its backward-curving teeth will scrape you, but it probably won’t bite down. When you are in its mouth up to your chest, pull your knife out and stab it in the eyes. You may not kill it, but you will distract and blind it while you make your escape.
• Don’t forget the kids. If you are one of the brave souls tasked with exterminating a mega python invasion, you’ll eventually need to confront the snake in its lair and destroy its eggs. Work with a partner. While one of you distracts the mega python, the other can pick off the eggs. Shoot ’em like you’re shooting beer cans off a fence, or destroy them en masse with fire.
MONGOLIAN DEATH WORM
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Super Sandworm • FIRST OBSERVED: Gobi Desert, Mongolia (2010) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 2 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: American Contractors, Corporate Lackeys, Treasure Hunters • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Mongolia • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
RUMORED TO BE THE GUARDIANS OF GENGHIS Khan’s tomb, Mongolian death worms can grow to over twenty feet long with bodies as big around as an SUV. Their skin is toxic to the touch. Their long tongues extend a dozen feet or more to drag prey into their four-fanged jaws. They generate bioelectrical fields that jam cell phones and other electrical equipment within a ten- to fifteen-foot radius. They are slower than a DMV clerk, and twice as mean.
STUDY
MONGOLIAN DEATH WORMS had long been rumored to exist, but no one had proof of their existence until dozens of them started popping up out of the Gobi Desert in 2010.
American oil company LBK woke the giant worms from a state of suspended animation by drilling deep beneath the desert. It’s unknown why the creatures were inactive, or how long they’d been in their ametabolic state. When LBK’s fracking solution reached them, they sprang to life like sea monkeys animated by salt and water. Hundreds of Mongolian death worms started burrowing up through the desert floor.
Workers shut down the drilling rig, preventing more worms from awakening. The remaining worms were tracked and killed by local law enforcement. “It wasn’t easy, but I’ve seen bigger,” Sheriff Bataar Timur says. “Wait till you see a Mongolian death snake.”
Whether the site of the drilling was also home to the tomb of Genghis Khan is still up for debate. Some ancient treasure was reportedly uncovered, but immediately lost to looters. The real treasure—the oil—sits underneath the desert, untouched for now.
AVOID
MONGOLIAN DEATH WORMS are sneaky bastards. How do you avoid something that could emerge under your feet at any moment?
• Avoid deserts altogether. Until we know more about their origins, we should assume other hot, arid environments might be teeming with death worms below the surface. As drilling expands around the globe, it’s possible that more of these creatures will be woken from their slumber.
• Avoid desserts as well. If you bump into a Mongolian death worm, you can outrun them—if you’re in decent shape. You don’t need to obsess over your diet or train for a marathon. Just skip high-calorie, low-nutrition foods and go for walks outdoors. Or maybe not outdoors, if you live near a desert.
In Case of a Chemical Emergency
What should you do if you touch a Mongolian death worm or otherwise get its secretions on your skin? First, do not panic. You haven’t flatlined … yet. While scientists don’t know how long you have before the secretion shuts down your central nervous system, timely first aid can greatly decrease the likelihood of permanent injury or death.
If death worm secretion gets into your eyes:
• Flush your eyes with clear water for a minimum of fifteen minutes. Do not use soap or other cleaning solutions, which may irritate your eyes further. And we mean it—fifteen minutes. Not fourteen minutes. Not sixteen minutes. Fifteen minutes.
If your skin is exposed to death worm secretions:
• Use soap and water to wash your hands or other body parts that may have been exposed. Death worm secretion will irritate the skin until washed off. We don’t need to know what “other body parts” have been covered in death worm juice, either. Just wash off, please.
• Remove your clothing. Be careful not to pull it over your face. Cut clothing off if necessary. This is a great chance to tear your shirt off like Hulk Hogan.
• Discard clothing that may have been contaminated. Death worm secretion may not wash out completely. Even if it’s your favorite concert T-shirt, it’s not worth risking potential future exposure.
Source: Adapted from Talking about Disaster: Guide for Standard Messages. Produced by the National Disaster Education Coalition, Washington, DC.
KILLER CONTROVERSY
The drilling technique known as “fracking” (not to be confused with “frakking”) has been at the center of controversy in recent years. Oil companies mix water with sand and chemicals, then inject it deep underground at high pressure to create small fractures. Proponents say it’s harmless to the environment, providing access to much-needed oil reserves. Critics say fracking introduces dangerous chemicals into the water supply and can induce earthquakes and unnatural disasters (see SWAMP VOLCANO). No one ever suspected it could unleash giant killer sandworms into the world. But there you have it.
SURVIVE
MONGOLIAN DEATH WORMS are ridiculously slow. Stay out of range of the creatures’ twelve-foot tongues, and you should be fine. That’s not always easy. The presence of one death worm usually indicates others are nearby.
• Watch where you’re running. People fleeing from monsters often glance back over their shoulder to judge how much distance they’ve put between them and the threat. This is a mistake. Always face forward. Don’t be the fool who runs unwittingly from one worm into the outstretched jaws of another.
• Shoot to kill. Their soft exterior means they’re vulnerable to firearms. A shotgun works quite nicely, but a handgun will do in a pinch. Aim for the head. Although they don’t have eyes, you can tell what end to shoot at by looking for the snapping, pointed teeth.
NOTE: Because their skin secretes toxic fluids, shoot them from at least twenty feet away to prevent their guts spraying on you after a kill s
hot. For obvious reasons, axes, chainsaws, and broadswords are not recommended.
• Dial the braggadocio down a notch. Even after you’ve killed one, don’t pause to take a selfie in front of it. The death worm is probably still jamming your cell phone with its bioelectrical field. Additionally, you never know when it might lurch out at you with one last dying breath.
MOTHMAN
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Gargoyle • FIRST OBSERVED: Point Pleasant, West Virginia (1966) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 30 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Theorists, Skeptics, Anyone Wearing Sweaters • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Point Pleasant, West Virginia • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
THE MOTHMAN IS A NINE-FOOT-TALL GRAY HUMANOID with gigantic bat wings and eyes that burn red in the night. Although it rarely kills anyone, it does kidnap people from time to time. Following an encounter, victims report headaches and amnesia. The unsightly monster—whose first verified appearance foreshadowed the collapse of West Virginia’s Silver Bridge in 1967—appears sporadically in Point Pleasant and elsewhere, often just before a major disaster. Is it a harbinger of doom, or the cause of misfortune? Is it even a single creature, or part of a race of beings? Despite plentiful sightings, concrete information is hard to come by.
HIDDEN HISTORY
According to legend, Point Pleasant is the only land in North America never occupied by Native Americans. They believed the land was home to an evil spirit—a spirit that some say is the force behind the local mothman. During the American Revolution, Americans built Fort Randolph upon the land. While some Native Americans sided with the British, others tried to maintain their neutrality. In 1777, Chief Cornstalk of the Shawnee visited Fort Randolph on a mission of diplomacy. After an American militiaman was murdered nearby by unknown assailants, soldiers brutally slaughtered the peaceful Cornstalk in retaliation. Before dying, the Shawnee chief summoned the land’s evil spirit. Cornstalk was reborn as a flying monster that avenged the chief’s death. Dr. Sheri Grant is skeptical. “Chief Cornstalk was murdered by militiamen, but there’s no historical record of a mothman or other creature exacting revenge upon them,” she says. “Having said that, it’s not out of the realm of possibility. If a shark can return from the dead, so can a person” (see GHOST SHARK).
How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters Page 7
