AVOID
ALTHOUGH THE PTERACUDA can conceivably fly anywhere in the world, it prefers coastal areas where it can hunt on both land and in the water. As you’ve probably picked up on by now, beaches are dangerous monster magnets. Stay safe by following these tips.
• Don’t wear jewelry to the beach. Flashy jewelry may look great when you’re at the club. To a pteracuda flying overhead, however, your bling looks like fish scales. Leave your gold chains at home. As Mr. T would say, “I pity the fool.”
• Wear sunscreen. While this won’t help ward off a pteracuda per se, it is sensible advice nonetheless.
• Don’t needlessly draw attention to yourself. If you’re twerking on the beach, a circling pteracuda could mistake you for a wounded animal.
Monster Mashup
It seems like a day doesn’t pass without some mad scientist creating a new creature by splicing existing ones together. Pteracuda. Sharktopus. Mermantula. What will tomorrow bring? We asked a panel of (sane) scientists to share their predictions with us.
• Wolverinah (Wolverine + Cheetah)
• Flying Sea Wasp (Jellyfish + Wasp)
• Snapping Taranturtle (Snapping Turtle + Tarantula)
• Rhinosaurus (Rhinoceros + Tyrannosaurus rex)
• Mangoose (Human + Mongoose)
SURVIVE
WITH THEIR ABILITY to attack by sea, air, and land, pteracudas are Mother Nature’s Navy SEALs. How can you defend yourself from an aerial and amphibious threat?
• If it’s dive-bombing you from the air, bury yourself in the sand. It might lose sight of you. Also, no one likes to eat food covered in sand. No one.
• Locate the closest volleyball net. If a bunch of hardbodies are playing, snatch the ball from them and give it a good kick down the beach. As the players race after the volleyball, the pteracuda might chase them instead of you.
REDNECK GATOR
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Weregator • FIRST OBSERVED: Vernon City, Louisiana (2013) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 20 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Doucettes, Robichauds, Robertsons • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Southern United States • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
REDNECK ALLIGATORS ARE A MUTANT SPECIES OF American alligator named for the deep crimson bands around their necks. While they might have a funny name, there’s nothing humorous about these twelve- to fifteen-foot Cajun creatures. Even if they didn’t have red necks, you could distinguish them from regular gators by the large, dischargeable quills at the ends of their tails. All it takes is one of these spikes through the gut to put a damper on your day.
STUDY
WHEN PREDATOR PLANET producers received a tip in 2013 about a new species of gator, Tristan Sinclair, host of The Gator Whisperer, hopped on the first flight to the bayou to investigate. “Alligators are prehistoric relics as old as the dinosaurs,” Sinclair wrote in his bestselling book What Does the Gator Say? “I’ve lived amongst the gators. I’ve unlocked their secrets.”
The gators he found in the swamps of Vernon City, Louisiana, were unlike any he’d ever seen. “They were beautiful creatures. Beautiful … and deadly,” he says. While filming a segment for his show in a nest of redneck gator eggs, Sinclair and his crew were ambushed by a pack of angry gator parents. “It was a tragic day for gator-human relations,” Sinclair says. “Not only did several hardworking Gator Whisperer crew members lose their lives, but I did something I’d never done before. I took a gator’s life. It was in self-defense. That doesn’t excuse it.” The ordeal still haunts Sinclair. “Redneck or not, I pray every day for that gator,” he says.
The sheriff’s department issued a statement to the press that the redneck gator problem was “conclusively dealt with”—presumably meaning the species was wiped out.
AVOID
IF YOU MUST go to the southeastern United States (or if you live there), follow these guidelines.
• Keep away from open freshwater. If you lose a golf ball in a pond, leave it be. Don’t risk losing your life to a redneck gator lounging at the water’s edge.
• Carry a firearm or crossbow with you everywhere. Live every day like you’re in an apocalyptic wasteland. Respect all local ordinances (although in some places it’s probably illegal not to carry a gun).
• Don’t sign up for one of those expensive redneck gator-hunting expeditions. While the red-tinted skin can fetch a hefty price on the black market, poaching redneck gators is illegal—and stupid. Many would-be poachers have been found faceup in the backwater, crossbow in one hand and a foot-long quill sticking out of their chest.
You Might Be a Redneck Gator If…
There are whispers in the bayou that even if you survive a redneck gator bite, you’re still dead. Within twenty-four hours, the skin around the bite turns metallic green and scaly. Next, you lose control of your motor skills. Your body slowly breaks down at a cellular level. When the transformation is complete, you’re no longer a redneck—you’re a redneck gator. The transformation is irreversible.
If the stories are true, redneck gators may be the result of a virus—and not a mutation, as scientists currently believe. Autopsies performed on recovered redneck gator bodies have proven inconclusive. While this all sounds inconceivable, remember that less than fifty years ago we believed werewolves were fictional.
SURVIVE
REDNECK GATORS ARE not natural aggressors, and they’ll typically retreat—unless they feel threatened.
• If you see a redneck gator, quietly back away. Act like you’re trying not to wake a baby. A baby that can eat you.
• If you’re attacked and have a weapon, aim for its red neck. The red band is known as the “kill spot”—the redneck gator’s most vulnerable external location. That doesn’t mean that penetrating its hide is easy.
ROBOCROC
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Cybercroc • FIRST OBSERVED: Tampa, Florida (2013) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 20 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Zookeepers, Government Thugs • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
SALTWATER CROCODILES ARE AMONG THE LARGEST terrestrial predators in the world. A twenty-five-foot-long adult croc can crush a cow’s skull between its jaws. A robocroc, on the other hand, can crush a car. Once it catches you between its steel jaws, it will whip you around with sudden jerks of its head. This process (known as “death rolling”) is meant to tear you into manageable pieces. By the time it begins swallowing chunks of meat and bone, you’re (hopefully) dead.
STUDY
WHILE A US Army spokesperson feigned ignorance regarding military involvement in the 2013 robocroc incident, a freedom-of-information request revealed the true extent of the experiment gone wrong. The documents, although heavily redacted, paint the picture of a disturbing weapon of mass destruction inadvertently set loose on US soil. The army’s nanotech weapons system was originally designed for deployment behind enemy lines. While we don’t know where the rocket carrying the nanobots was headed, we do know where it crashed: Tampa’s Adventure Cove.
Once in the park, the nanobots latched onto Stella—a 2,300-pound saltwater crocodile. Within hours, the nanobots replicated throughout Stella’s body, changing the animal from flesh and blood into a cybernetic organism—a robocroc.
The military had given the nanobots a simple root-level directive: SURVIVE. The robocroc viewed anyone it crossed paths with as a potential threat, treating them accordingly. “I had to stand by and watch in horror as the animal I once knew as Stella began attacking water park visitors,” zookeeper Jim Duffy says. “She should have been sated with just one meal. Maybe two, if she caught small children without much meat on their tiny bones.”
Duffy finally stopped it with a non-nuclear electromagnetic pulse (EMP) weapon, frying the robocroc’s circuitry. “By that point, Stella was more machine than animal,” he says, his eyes filled with tears. “I did what had to be done.”
WILD WARFARE
&nbs
p; EMP weapons fry all electronics within range, including nanobots. Obviously, this is a weakness in the “nanobots are the wave of future warfare” argument. All an enemy would need is a few machines capable of generating electromagnetic pulses to neutralize an army of cyborg creatures—perhaps another reason the US shut down the controversial weapons program.
How to Apply a Tourniquet
A robocroc just severed your friend’s arm. Unless she gets medical attention, she’s going to die. Luckily for her, you read this book. You are now the next best thing to a trained medical professional.
1. You will need something to tie around the limb, such as a rope or belt. If neither is available, a rolled-up T-shirt will work.
2. Tie the tourniquet around the limb, at least two inches above the wound. Do not apply to a joint. Tighten as much as possible. Your goal is to stop the blood flow completely.
WARNING: Tourniquets should only be applied to severed limbs. If the robocroc bit off your friend’s entire lower body at the waist, don’t waste your time (or your T-shirt) trying to tie a tourniquet around her abdomen.
AVOID
ARE THERE MORE robocrocs on the horizon? Or could nanobots latch onto a different host animal, such as a prehistoric cave bear? For the time being, probably not. The government’s nanotech program has officially been shut down. Engineers believe the program was one of a kind. Other countries and organizations are still years away from possessing similar technology. But make no mistake—nanotechnology is here to stay. And it will be weaponized. Eventually, everything will be weaponized. You can’t avoid the future. You can only survive it.
Crocodiles as Weapons of War
Robocrocs aren’t the first time crocodiles have been drawn into mankind’s war games. Saltwater crocodiles are blamed for the deaths of anywhere from four hundred to one thousand Japanese soldiers in the Battle of Ramree Island on February 19, 1945. British soldiers cornered a thousand Japanese soldiers in the swamps on the Burmese island of Ramree—which, unbeknownst to both sides, was home to scores of saltwater crocodiles. In the darkness, the crocs tore the Japanese to shreds. “At dawn the vultures arrived to clean up what the crocodiles had left,” British soldier and naturalist Bruce Wright reported. While the exact number of dead is heavily disputed—some historians doubt the veracity of Wright’s story, which has never been corroborated—the Battle of Ramree Island was listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the record holder for “The Greatest Disaster Suffered from Animals.” After nearly seventy years of dominance, the battle was displaced in the 2014 edition of the record book by the Los Angeles sharknados.
SURVIVE
WHETHER A ROBOCROC attacks you or passes you by depends on its programming. Don’t take chances—be ready.
• Shoot at it—but don’t expect results. Tranquilizer darts, heavy artillery, and even grenades are useless against a robocroc’s metal exoskeleton. Nerve gas and other biochemical weapons are also ineffective. If a robocroc charges you, fire at it with whatever weapon you’re carrying. It will at least give you something to do in your final moments, distracting you from your life flashing before your eyes.
• Deploy an EMP weapon. Outside of a direct nuclear strike capable of melting the nanobots, a localized EMP weapon is your best chance to shut a robocroc down. The military probably has a stockpile. If they don’t show up in time, check eBay. You can buy anything there. Someone once tried to sell stolen human brains on eBay. What kind of sick world do we live in? Don’t answer that.
SHARKTOPUS
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: S-11 • FIRST OBSERVED: Puerto Vallarta, Mexico (2010) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 35 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Bikini-clad Sunbathers, Bikini-clad Bungee-jumpers, Bikini-clad Beach Yoga Practitioners • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Saltwater • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
LOOK OUT: THE SHARKTOPUS IS EIGHT-ARMED AND dangerous. With the head and partial body of a shark anchored by long octopus arms, this genetic aberration is the very definition of “unnatural.” US government contractor Blue Water Corp designed the sharktopus to be the ultimate biological weapon. By transmitting focused electrical charges from a collar to receptors implanted within the creature’s cerebral cortex, Blue Water thought they could control it. If you’ve seen video of the sharktopus online, you know this hybrid horror doesn’t like to take orders. It likes to take lives.
STUDY
THE SHARKTOPUS PROGRAM cost US taxpayers a whopping $456 million. Pentagon officials insist the potential upside was worthwhile. A single sharktopus, they argued, could replace entire platoons of Navy SEALs. It could sneak into hostile waters to hunt down pirates without being detected. “Just imagine how cool it would have been to send one of these things in to rescue Captain Phillips,” an anonymous Pentagon official says.
On a training run in 2010, the sharktopus broke free of its control collar and started attacking tourists in Puerto Vallarta. Attempts to shut it down remotely failed. Blue Water CEO Nathan Sands, fearing his pet project would be killed, attempted to hire back ex-employee Andy Flynn to bring the sharktopus in alive. Flynn refused. The runaway weapon had to be destroyed, not taken alive. Too many lives had already been lost. “The civilian lives are a tragedy, but greatness comes at a price,” Sands allegedly said before dying at the creature’s tentacles.
While Flynn fought with the sharktopus, Nicole Sands—Nathan’s daughter and co-creator of the creature—hacked the kill switch buried deep within its brain, terminating it. “When you mess with Mother Nature, she messes with you right back,” Flynn says. “I don’t even eat genetically modified foods now.”
WEIRD SCIENCE
The sharktopus’s rampage through Puerto Vallarta shocked biologists. “Sharks aren’t serial killers. They kill for a purpose. And octopi are smart as hell. They wouldn’t show themselves like that,” Andy Flynn told the House Committee on Unnatural Affairs. As Congress would later learn, Blue Water enhanced the creature’s aggressiveness by disrupting the serotonin levels in its brain. When they released it into open water for its big test, it was blind with rage. All it could do was bite down and tear things apart.
How to Tie Sharktopus Tentacles into a Knot
Let’s say you’re on a group dive when a sharktopus attacks. You have no weapons underwater. You have no way to call for help. You only have your hands. Thankfully, that may be all you need to fight back.
1. While another member of your group distracts the sharktopus, swim up behind it.
2. Grab two sharktopus tentacles about three feet from the ends. Avoid touching the suction cups, which are difficult to disentangle yourself from.
3. There are hundreds of knots at your disposal, such as the double fisherman’s knot and the triple-nosed Portuguese sailor’s slipknot. Even if you weren’t in the Boy Scouts, you probably know a few different knots from Fifty Shades of Grey. It doesn’t matter which knot you go with, so long as you can perform it quickly and accurately. Choose one, and tie the arms together securely.
4. Repeat three times, or until the sharktopus has stopped mauling your friend and turned its attention toward you.
5. Swim to the surface. With its arms tied, the sharktopus will be unable to leap out of the water after you.
AVOID
ALTHOUGH BLUE WATER was shut down, the sharktopus threat is just beginning.
• Not visiting Mexico anytime soon? Don’t worry—the sharktopus will come to you. An unknown number of fertilized eggs found their way into the wild. Full-grown sharktopi have already begun popping up around the world (see PTERACUDA).
• Pay attention to sharktopus warning signs at beaches. If there’s been a recent sighting or attack, authorities will post temporary notices warning beachgoers to stay out of the water for a specified period. If the sharktopus lingers, a permanent sign may be installed. Just because the beach is open, don’t assume it’s safe to go swimming or surfing. Politicians are lax to close recreation areas because of pressure from local busine
sses. And, for what it’s worth, sharktopi are decidedly unique tourist attractions.
SURVIVE
WITH ITS LONG arms, a sharktopus can reach you from at least thirty feet away. You’re not safe anywhere on the water—or near it. Boats, jet skis, low-flying helicopters, airplanes, and hang gliders are all dangerous.
• When a sharktopus leaps out of the water and begins stalking toward you, you better move it. And we don’t mean your booty. Time is of the essence. If you can get far enough inland, it may give up on you. Despite its genetic modifications, a sharktopus cannot survive out of the water for very long.
• Call in professionals (the ones who created the damn creature). If you find a piece of a sharktopus’s shock collar, inspect it for manufacturer information. Copy down the serial number and call their tech support hotline. If you’re lucky, the corporation will be able to remotely shut the sharktopus down. If you’re unlucky, you’ll be stuck listening to Michael McDonald hold music for two hours before being disconnected just as a customer service representative comes on the line.
Naming the Sharktopus
While Blue Water Corp referred to their creation as “S-11,” it soon gained another name thanks to Mexican English-language radio DJ “Captain” Jack Manning. Here’s a transcript of his now-infamous recording, as aired on PV Pirate Radio:
How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters Page 11
