by Haley Jenner
Whirling on me, his face is contorted with a mixture of pain, anger, and disappointment. It’s heart-wrenching, and it has my feet ceasing their movement. “No one important, Aubrey? Really? Fucking really?” he finishes on a shout, the veins in his neck protruding with the pressure of strain.
His body begins stalking towards mine, and my feet falter backward, moving back towards the safety of the hotel room. I understand his frustration. His anger. His disappointment. At me. Towards me. In me.
“What did you want me to say, Jake? We’ve been through this. I can’t say you. People would read into it, and I can’t end it. I can’t walk away from David,” I sigh, feeling sick at once again having to reject him. I hate it. I hate myself. But I can’t stop. Jake’s an addiction for me. No matter how hard I try to fight it, the overwhelming need to see him, to talk to him, to be with him courses through my entire body. Every minute of every day. I spend every waking moment trying not to think about him. Trying to strengthen my will power to walk away, to end things. But it overpowers me, consumes me, and I give in.
“No. I didn’t expect that, Aubrey. You’ve made that clear enough. Constantly make it crystal fucking clear that you’ll never choose me. But no one important?” he spits out, moving into my space, towering over me. “Fuck, Aubrey. Way to slice my heart wide open. Imagine if that’s how I referred to you. For just one second, think about me. Not you. Me.” He stabs a long finger into his chest with excessive force and I close my eyes over before meeting the grey of his eyes.
How deeply I wish I could tell him that it is him, that time and time again, given the choice, I would always choose him. But I can’t.
“You could’ve said anything. Joseph wouldn’t have cared. Why discount me so forcefully? Would it’ve been so hard to say a close friend? Thinking on it, why not say me? He wouldn’t think anything of it. I hate all this deceit. All this fucking lying,” he gestures around us. “Don’t you?” he finishes softly.
After a moment of silence from me, he tips his head back to the sky, breathing deeply. Dropping his head back, his stormy eyes search mine for something. Anything. But he mustn’t find it because he laughs sarcastically on a sigh. “Maybe not, eh? Maybe all this deceit means nothing to you. After all, I’m no one important, right? Why let yourself feel anything bad about the situation. You’re getting what you want aren’t you, Aubrey? You get to talk to me when you want. You get my support. You get to fuck me when the mood strikes and I can’t fight the pull any longer. Then after all that, you get some pretend life with that dick you call a boyfriend. You’re getting exactly what you want, while me, the unimportant no one continues to hurt. To fucking bleed at the pain all this fucking causes.”
“You think this doesn’t hurt me too?” I whisper through my pain. “You think every time I have to tell you I can’t walk away, I don’t feel my heart splitting in two? That the agony clouding your eyes doesn’t burn my fucking soul, Jake?” I ask incredulously, hurt that he could think me so heartless. So unfeeling. “Because it does. Like you couldn’t imagine, and I try, Jake,” I cry, tears now spilling from my eyes. “Every day, I try my hardest to distance myself. To not call you. To not reach out. To not respond if you initiate contact. I try so fucking hard.” I hold onto my neck, massaging the lump forming in my throat, constricting my ability to breathe. “But I’m not strong enough. I am so weak, surely you see that? Every time I panic that our phone call, our text messages, our touching, might be the last time and it makes me want to die. I feel like curling into a ball to hold back some of the pain, and I can’t stand it. The hurt. The fucking agony living inside, so I reach out again. I call you. I text you. I come to see you. I beg you to fuck me. To touch me. To make love to me. Because the pain of living without you is so fucking hard to stomach and I know one day it will be the last. That you’ll find someone else or I’ll cause too much damage, and somehow you’ll be the one to find the strength to walk away, and I’ll accept it. I’ll want to die. I’ll want to beg you to come back to me. But I won’t because I understand that as much as I hurt right now, it’s nothing compared to how you feel.”
Jake has moved away from me, his body slumped against the metal rail of the landing as he listens to my words. “I don’t get it, Aubrey. Please, explain it to me because you say all this…” he pauses, looking dumbfounded at my words. Confused at the complete contradiction to the words that spill from my mouth and my actions. “But then you choose this path you stay on. You continue to choose this life, Aubrey. Why not fix it?”
Dropping my eyes, I let the tears in my eyes fall to my feet. Splashing on the bare skin of my toes. Wrapping my arms around my body, I support my weight, hoping the pressure will bring me some sense of comfort. It’s hopeless, with Jake standing only a few steps away from me I feel as though an entire world separates us. The divide is broad, continuing to expand with every uncomfortable minute that passes.
“Jake,” I breathe, angling my face towards the sky to allow the last remaining tears to skirt down my skin on towards the back of my neck. Dropping back to look at him, he watches me expectantly, hopefully, and I loathe the suffering I drive between the two of us. I contemplate lying and dismissing his need for reason, but I want to give him his version of understanding. Even just a little, so I give him what I can, my half-truth.
“My family is important to me. My mom, Steve, and my dad. I know rumors circle town about what when down between the three of them and how scandalous the situation was,” I laugh, but it’s humorless, sarcastic and biting. “I hate that people thought they could discuss us like we’re not part of the community. Like we’re gossip, and it’s not our lives, our feelings, our hearts breaking that they’re discussing. In all honesty, Jake, even I don’t really know how everything went down. All I know is that my dad is one of the best people I know,” I smile in affection at the thought of my dad, and Jake mimics the movement, his red lips pulling up slightly at the side.
“He loves my mom, J-Baby. Even after all these years and the fact that she found greater happiness with someone else must be painful. He stayed single. Alone, while Mom, Steve and I played happy family. Sure, I saw him regularly and spoke to him often, I just…I don’t know,” I shrug, moving to lean my back against the cold wall. “I feel like we abandoned him. I hold this…” I push against my heart, trying to alleviate the shame my words bring on. “Resentment. Blame on them for hurting my dad, and I hate myself for that because, God, they’re such good people.” I watch as Jake nods his head in agreement at my words before continuing. “My dad is a kind and reliable man, Jake, how could Mom not give him that chance to make her happy?” I implore.
“How can you just assume that she didn’t give him the chance, Aubrey? Maybe they just weren’t meant to be,” he argues quietly, his dark eyebrows narrowed heavily over his stormy eyes.
I shrug weakly. “Maybe.”
I wait a beat, a single moment trying to find my next words. “I’m so much like my mom. Loud. Crass. Creative. Strong-willed. I hold little of who my dad is inside. He’s so sensible. Prudent and sound. Nothing like me. I chose a career in the arts. I let words fly from my mouth without filtering them. I accepted Steve into my life, into my heart as another Dad without question. I…I…Every decision…” I blow out a deep breath, struggling to find traction in my argument.
“You think every decision you’ve made has disappointed him, hurt him even,” Jake guesses and I nod softly, dropping my head.
“But how can I hold resentment against Mom and Steve for betraying Dad if I do the same thing? How can I think that Dad could have made my mom happy when I don’t try and let David do the same for me?” I ask, the lie lacerating my throat as Jake shakes his head in annoyance.
“David and Joseph may have similar traits in the way they approach their careers. They both may be a little stale but shit, Aubrey, that’s where the similarities end. Surely you can see that?” Jake urges, and I watch him blankly. “Joseph would never have treated your mom like shit.
Would never have spoken down to her. Ignored her.”
“Maybe it’s my fault though. Maybe if I tried harder…”
“Holy shit, Aubrey. Listen to yourself,” Jake stresses, his body bending as he works to emphasize his point.
“He introduced us,” I blurt, louder than intended. “My dad,” I speak softer, swallowing deeply. “He got me a gig photographing a fundraiser his company was involved in and of course David was there. He had joined the firm a few months prior and Dad was certain we’d hit it off.”
Jake’s eyes widen slightly. “I didn’t know that.”
I nod. “I found his awkwardness almost endearing that night, and he was taken a little off guard by my forwardness. It was sweet. I could see why my dad brought us together.”
I wait for Jake to say something, anything to dispute me but he remains silent, listening carefully. “I enjoyed his company enough but knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. He was quick though, found my dad and babbled on about how well we hit it off.”
Sighing loudly, I shake my head. “Dad was thrilled. ‘I’m so pleased, sweetheart. David is a good man, a very hard worker. I’m glad I did right, I was worried about interfering with your love life, but I’m overjoyed you hit it off.’” I mimic my dad’s words and expect some form of understanding to cross Jake’s features, but his face shows only bored indifference. “Our relationship has done good things for both their careers. Solidified their positions on the Board,” I shrug, giving him a glimpse of the truth, hating the amount of lies our connection seems built on. He doesn’t react to the statement, but of course he wouldn’t understand. No one would.
“You don’t have to understand this, Jake,” I condemn. “You just need to accept it.” The fight has left my voice. My ability to maintain my sliver of composure slowly wavering under his judgment.
“I will never accept that, Aubrey. Never,” he seethes, turning to give me his back as he bends over the rail on a deep growl.
“That’s not my problem,” I bite, angered at his lack of empathy. “No one has to accept it. No one has to understand it. It makes sense to me, and that’s all that matters. My life is my fucking life, and my decisions are valid to me. They’re important to me.”
“You’re right. It ain’t your problem, because, really, who am I to you, Aubrey?” He shrugs his wide shoulders, pausing only briefly before turning his back on me to walk away.
"Jake," I move to follow his departure.
Glancing back over his shoulder, his face is turned up in a scowl. “No one important, right?” he throws at me, not waiting for an answer before he turns back and disappears into the dark.
"Jake," I cry, pleading for him to stop but his long legs keep moving further away from me. I jog to catch up, but his stride doesn't break, and I can't catch him. Watching as he reaches his car, he wrenches open his door with excessive force, glaring at me once more before folding inside.
"JAKE," I yell, not caring that anyone can hear me. I move to run down the stairs towards him but stop halfway down as his car flies into reverse and he pulls from the parking lot and into the darkened street.
Dropping onto the hard and bitter cold of the concrete step, I let my head fall into my hands, trying to understand what the fuck just happened. I was expecting this at some point. The end. For everything to finally fall to shit and in all honesty I thought I'd be better prepared. Tonight was good. We were in an okay place, so I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. That wasn't how it was supposed to happen. It's selfish to think like that but…"FUCK," I yell into the cold, dark air.
Using the base of my palms, I push pressure onto my eyes. Sagging against the metal rail at my side, I bang my head along the hard bar over and over again. I sit long enough for my ass to grow numb, for my skin to start aching with the cold and for the moon to begin to recede. Only then, finally, on shaky legs, can I muster the energy to pull myself up. I want to drop back down immediately, but I force my legs to move. I force my muscles to lift my legs and climb the stairs, moving back towards the room Jake and I had left. Inside, I take in the tangled sheets and walk slowly towards where Jake had laid. Pulling the sheet to my face, I can smell him, and I close my eyes as I inhale deeply. Fisting the material in my hand, I will myself to drop it back to the bed and step back. I can't do this. I can't let myself crumble. It's an impossible task, trying to stop the need to drop into a ball and stay there forever. But somehow, I manage it. I shut myself down enough to collect my few belongings and leave the room, unable to stomach a single second longer in the space.
CHAPTER TEN
Jake
I turn back three times. Three.
I’m fuming, fucking wild that she could discount us, me, so easily.
No one important.
Is she fucking kidding?
I pull back into the darkened street of the motel and slam on my brakes. Going back would only induce further argument, more hurt, and deep down, I know nothing positive could come from further confrontation. Nothing more than harmful words and broken hearts.
Deep breathing, I punch my steering wheel and turn back around, back toward Carnation. Back towards clarity. I make a mental note to check my steering at work tomorrow, it’s suffered a fair share of beat downs thanks to my self-induced frustration.
I knew she couldn’t be completely open with Joseph, but shit… Stretching my fingers out, I work to relieve the tension and the discomfort within my body. The annoying part is, I get her point. I understand her fears, her reservations. Just not enough to understand her acceptance of such a second-rate life. How can she not see that she deserves to be happy? That her life means more than living in such a state of misery? More importantly, how can she think her dad would begrudge her, her happiness? There has to be more to it. There has to be. Something deeper. Surely.
I could go over and over this in my head but why? To cause me further pain? To plague my mind with further doubts, more unanswerable questions? No. It’s not healthy. Aubrey made her choice, time and time again. I was just the fool that kept going back. I’m a fucking joke.
Brakes worn down, tires probably bald, gas running on empty, I arrive back in Carnation, feeling as good as the Charger probably does. Unfortunately, a few hours of care, a little elbow grease, and a few new parts can’t fix what seems to have broken inside of me.
The street is dark, and I’m regretfully aware that Archer and Annabelle seem to have arrived home only a minute or so before me, their car doors opening as they jump down from Annabelle’s car.
I move fast, eyes averted, folding from my car and moving fast towards the house. “Hey Jakey,” I hear her voice, but it’s soft enough to pretend that I didn’t.
Ignoring Annabelle is a first for me, but what other defense do I have right now? She’d see it written all over my face, maybe not the finer details, but she’d know something was up. You don’t spend the greater part of your life building a friendship with someone for them not to know when you’re hurting. I just don’t have it in me to concoct a lie that I have no doubt would be glaringly transparent, causing further questions.
I sprint up the steps, keeping my gaze on my feet and hope with everything that the front door isn’t locked. “Jake,” she speaks louder, her voice sounding closer and I breathe out a sigh of relief as the door opens, allowing me access immediately. I keep my feet moving, up the stairs and into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
Her voice echoes up the stairs, and I can sense her concern, her uncertainty at being ignored. Moving forward I twist the taps of the shower as I hear her footsteps on the stairs.
Archer’s loud voice echoes her ascent, and I relax slightly. “Belle, the fuck are you doing?” Her words are lost to me, the noise of the shower causing me to strain my ear at the door, waiting for her retreat. “Baby, it’s late, he’s probably just finished a gig and wants to crash, he wouldn’t have heard you.”
“Oh, he heard me,” she rebuts, their voices now just outside the door.
I smile despite myself, as true as Archer’s words would most definitely be, I know the comment was made for my benefit. He’s working to move Annabelle from the house and give me the space he understands without seeing me, that I need.
“Gross,” I hear a soft thud as Annabelle hits Archer’s arm in mock disgust. “That’s disgusting. Not you jerking off thinking of me.” I can hear the smile in her voice and can imagine the look being shared right at that moment. “But seriously, don’t speak about Jake doing it, not around me anyway.”
I want to gag at their interaction and hope this isn’t a new tactic to move me from the bathroom because I don’t have the stomach to wait that conversation out.
“Belle, baby, let’s go, leave the kid. I’m not comfortable standing outside the bathroom when Jake may or may not have his cock in his hand,” Archer continues, earning himself a disgusted snort from a thankfully retreating, Annabelle.
I wait a breath as her feet sound down the stairs before relaxing. “Kid, you good?”
I smile at my brother’s concern. “Yeah, I’m good.”
“Need to talk?”
I shake my head at the closed door. “Nah, just need a little space from the world.”
A soft thud hits the door, Archer’s version of a fist bump and I reciprocate. “Know where to find me when you’re ready.” He doesn’t wait for a response, his heavy footsteps following Annabelle’s descent.
His words were carefully chosen, not an invitation to talk if I needed him, but an instruction that he was concerned, and that meant whether I cared to or not, we were discussing what was going on. I respect that, doesn’t mean I plan on seeking him out anytime soon, but the knowledge that he’s there is support enough.
