by Haley Jenner
I return his smile and reach out for his hand, squeezing tightly. “So you don’t resent them? Not even a little?”
Taking a deep breath, he gives my hand his own squeeze before speaking. “Aubrey, you haven’t given me enough credit in this story. Your mother and I separating was a joint decision. She did not run away with her high school sweetheart like people like to gossip happened. I don’t resent them, I’m happy Clarah found her way back to someone who could give her a life she deserves. I’m not lonely, Aubrey, I have female acquaintances I spend time with. There are no complications, and I’m happy, sweet girl.”
“Good,” I breathe out, blowing my nose and wiping away stray tears.
“Aubrey, when I say you’re like your mother I mean that you’re bright and not just intellectually, you shine so effervescently, sweetheart. You bring such happiness to my life and I love seeing you take after Clarah. Trust me when I tell you it’s a good thing.”
Patting my cheek, he moves his chair back and points to my food indicating I should eat.
“Love you, Daddy,” I offer quietly before taking his instruction and eating.
Thoroughly stuffed from breakfast, I lean back in my chair, mirroring Dad’s position, resting my hands upon the small swell of my belly caused by the excess consumption of waffles.
“By Jake, I assume you mean the young fellow that works alongside Steve, Annabelle’s brother-in-law?”
Nodding softly, I confirm Dad’s thought, and he smiles across at me. “I’ve always liked him. Colorful guy, he suits you.” He shocks me with his admission, and it must show on my face. “What? I think he does, soft-spoken from memory. Balances you out,” his smile widens, and I laugh. It feels nice.
“Will you go to him from here?”
My laugh dies out at his question, and I shake my head quickly. “I don’t know if that can be fixed. I caused a bit of damage with Jake through everything. I was so scared to let David go… afraid of what the fallout would be.” I laugh sarcastically at how easily David played me. “But through it all, I couldn’t let Jake go. I knew he loved me and in the end keeping him close hurt him too much. Enough that I’m not sure there’s any going back. I’m gonna try, eventually. I… first I… I need to fix me. If that makes sense?”
Sitting up straighter he squeezes my hand again. “It makes complete sense, and if Jake really loves you and you love him, you’ll find a way to make amends. You just need to speak to him his way. Make him understand,” he finishes, moving to stand and clean away our dishes.
“Next month I’ll be traveling a bit, just around the country, meeting with a few clients. You should come, see a few different states. Take some pictures, spend some time with yourself,” Dad offers, packing the dishwasher and I turn my head towards him and offer a small smile.
“Thanks, Daddy, I’ll definitely think on it.”
“You should call your mother, update her on what’s happening and where you’re staying for the time being,” he catches my attention one last time before I leave the room.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Jake: Three Months Later
“You got another tattoo?”
“Huh?” My brow furrows as I tilt my chin down, meeting her eyes.
Tammy’s attractive; in the girl next door, small town kinda way. She’s cute. Petite, blonde curls, pretty blue eyes and all-American smile. She’s a good person, but there’s not always a whole lot going on inside her brain. She works at the local coffee shop and half the time you’re lucky enough to walk away with what you ordered. She’s sweet though, real fucking sweet. Her life plan has always involved staying firmly put in Carnation, getting married and producing an army of kids. I get that for her.
In a similar way, I always thought I’d raise my kids here, but wasn’t set on it. I wanted to see more of the world than what Carnation had to offer, even if it was just to see it. Being a mechanic, I could settle anywhere, as long as I had the woman I loved and my music. I could be happy anywhere. Well, could have been. That dream disappeared in a puff of smoke when Aubrey walked away.
“I said you got another tattoo,” Tammy speaks again, fingers drawing circles along my chest, chin resting in her hand, eyes on my face.
My eyes narrow at her words, not sure what the fuck she’s talking about. Drifting in and out of her conversations is easy to do. I sound like a dick. Maybe I am, but after Aubrey and I had ended so dramatically in front of the entire town, she pursued me. Even though I made it clear I wanted nothing more than what I’ve been taking. She told me she was cool with that, but I know her better than that. We dated years ago in high school. I was into her then, when I was young, before I started seeing more of what surrounded our small town. I don’t mean women because that’s not me. I never strayed when we dated, I just realized there was a lot more than what we saw.
After my first few gigs away from home, I started to lose interest in her and I felt fucking awful for it. I think my heart hurt just as much as hers when I broke it off; hers from being broken, mine from the guilt I felt for causing her any pain. She is so sweet, a good person deep within her soul. No one would ever want to cause her harm. Yet I had, not only then, back a few months back and now I’m doing it again. No matter how many times she reassures me that she’s fine with our arrangement, I see the hope in her eyes. If she makes me laugh or if I show her any unprompted affection, her eyes begin to shine with hope, and the guilt I felt back in high school rears its ugly head once again.
“This,” she speaks again, moving her finger to skate along the ink autographed into my neck, on the right side, right over my pulse point.
I flinch at her touch, jerking myself away from her fingers on the mark. “Don’t,” I cough out, moving to slide out from underneath her and sitting along the edge of the bed.
“Jake, baby, I’m sorry. I…” she starts, her small hand resting on my shoulder.
Finding my boxers, I pull them on, shrugging off her touch. Breathing heavy, I stand and turn towards her on a loud sigh. “Tammy, I’m not your baby. This isn’t what this is, you keep saying that you get that, but…” I drag my hands through my hair, trying to find my words.
“Jake, I know you’re not interested in anything solid. After everything went down in The Shallow months ago, I knew your heart belonged to Aubrey. I just enjoy being with you, around you. You’re nice to me, Jake. Even when I know this won’t go anywhere, you treat me better than the other guys I’ve dated in the past.”
She watches me for a moment, sadness in her eyes. Pointing to my neck, she sighs. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I like the tattoo, it’s hot is all.”
I touch the lipstick mark inked into my neck, a perfect replica of Aubrey’s red lips, a permanent kiss at my pulse. An imprint her lips made over and over again.
I laugh at how ridiculous the thought of another woman finding that attractive. If only she knew. If only she knew she admired someone else’s mark on my skin. Aubrey’s autograph.
“You should go, Tammy. God, I should have never let this happen in the first place. You’re such a good and honest person, sweetheart. You deserve so much more than what you’re settling for right now. I don’t want to hurt you, not again. I like you, Tammy, really, I do. Just not in the way you want me to.” I cup her cheek, wanting to ease the hurt in her bright eyes.
“You need to find a man who wants to love you and only you. Someone who wants to give you the life you want. That ain’t me, Tammy,” I confess, pulling my hand from her skin and taking a step back from my bed. “I’m sorry it’s not because I know you’d work your damnedest to make me happy in life, but you shouldn’t have to work at it, not that hard. Two people should find happiness in each other. It shouldn’t be one person fighting to make the other happy because they settled.”
Her pretty eyes glisten with tears, but she doesn’t cry, only smiles a sad smile. “I know people in town think I’m a whole lotta stupid, Jake, and I appreciate you’ve never made me feel that way. I think it’s wh
at I like most about you,” she sighs softly, moving towards the edge of the bed.
“Only you could make being rejected sweet. I wish I were enough to make you happy,” she offers, wrapping my sheet around her body as she stands, searching for her clothes.
“It’s not that you’re not enough, please don’t say that. You’re special, Tammy. I just lost my heart to somebody and I can’t imagine ever being able to find it with someone else. Not for a long while anyway.” I return her sad smile, bending to pick up her bra and panties before handing them over.
She smiles gratefully, taking them from my outstretched hand and turning toward the bathroom. I can understand her need for privacy in this moment, I’ve seen her naked enough times, but she’s emotionally raw, I get her need to put herself together alone.
Locating my own clothes, I yank my jeans up my legs and pull my shirt over my head. Tammy exits the bathroom shortly after and moves to gather her bag. Walking to the front door, I follow, opening it for her. She pauses briefly to place a hand on my chest and leans up on tiptoes to place a chaste kiss to my lips. “Aubrey must be crazy. I hope she soon realizes that.”
Stunned at how well she took my let down, I watch her walk down the concrete landing of the building, waiting for her to reach her car before offering her a small wave, which she easily returns.
“Ouch. Let me get this straight, you just fucked her, then ended it, and she still wishes you happiness. Jesus, Dean, your cock dipped in fairy dust or somethin’?” Luca pushes past me into the small space of my apartment.
I grunt out a laugh. “Nah, she’s just sweet. Really fucking sweet,” I answer, watching her drive away.
Turning back into the small space, I watch Luca grab a beer and move toward the bed for a seat before he takes in the messed up sheets, grimacing and then choosing to sit on the kitchen bench instead. The move has me smiling slightly, walking toward the fridge to grab my own beer.
“Sucks I’m not keen on your seconds, could use a bit of sweet,” Luca says before taking a long pull of his beer.
“You couldn’t handle sweet, dipshit, it would drive you nuts. Your type is more crazy, moody, with extra attitude,” I laugh and he smiles widely, eyebrows raising in agreement.
“Nice ink. Think having Red’s lips tattooed on your neck is a smart idea?”
I shrug. Way I see it, life’s all about the choices we make and how they shape us. That first note was my downfall, I should have accepted it and moved on, but the kiss did me in. The bright red lipstick autographing the tail end of her words had me recalling her lips touching my body, and I couldn’t let go. I still have that note, call me a sucker for punishment, but that note was the start of me falling into the deepest despairs love has to offer. I don’t see my ink as not smart, I see it as a reminder of a decision I made and how it, in turn, affected my life. The permanent kiss on my neck is a reminder of falling in love and having your heart broken. But regardless of the pain, of the misery that follows you around after having your heart shattered into pieces, that pain still can’t erase the good moments. It can’t erase the happy memories, the all-consuming feeling of love and how fucking amazing it feels. Aubrey’s lips attached to my neck from here on reminds me that no matter how painful now is, I’d do it all again. I’d live every moment over again to feel that connection, that heart wrenching, soul crushing experience of falling deep in love.
I don’t share this with Luca, only lifting my chin lightly, acknowledging his doubt.
“See you finally unpacked?” he gestures around the small space and I stay silent, deciding his question needs no response.
“Looks good with your shit in here, when Archer lived here it looked like someone was squatting,” he grimaces, and I laugh.
“No point settling in a matchbox when you have a decent home to live in. Guess in hindsight he must have been holding onto some sort of hope that they’d reconcile eventually,” I conclude, pushing off the fridge and jumping onto the bench space across from him.
We sit in companionable silence for a while, drinking from the bottles in front of us.
“Thinking of headin’ home for a bit. My mom’s not well, probably be gone for a few months,” Luca breaks the quiet, picking at the damp label of his bottle.
“Shit, man, I’m sorry. Anything I can do?”
Shaking his head, his lips turn down in a frown. “Nah, not that close to her but she’s all I got in the way of blood relatives. From the snippets she’s let on, sounds like this might be it. Important for me to say goodbye… right thing to do,” he sighs loudly, draining the remainder of his beer.
Standing, he throws the empty in the trash and moves to grab another, looking over for me to indicate my need for a new one.
Handing me the bottle he reclaims his spot on the bench and immediately takes a sip. “Well, you know I’m here if you need anything,” I offer, and his lips turn up in an appreciative smile.
“Look, considering I’m gonna be gone for a bit, feel free to sublet my apartment. I’ll definitely be back, but like I said, could be a while.”
Shaking my head and swallowing the mouthful of beer, it takes me a second to respond. “No need. Considering I’m next door, I can keep an eye on your shit, check your mail. Few months won’t make a difference to me. It’ll be waiting for when you come back. Definitely coming back, right?” I question, and he nods immediately.
“Lived in bigger cities, man, decided it ain’t for me. I like this place. It’s quiet. Somewhat drama free, town love lives aside,” he smiles widely on an eye roll. “I’m settled here. I’ll be back.”
“Good. I’d miss your hideously ugly face,” I tease, and he laughs loudly. Vain motherfucker, the thought of anyone calling him ugly too ridiculous for him not to find amusing.
After Luca leaves, I tidy my apartment, grabbing the sheets from my bed and the rest of my dirty laundry to head to Ma’s. Keen to wash Tammy and hopefully some of the guilt from the linen and my life.
I moved into the apartment about a month ago, ready to finally start a different life, trying in earnest to put Aubrey and the life I’d put too much hope into, behind me. I know everyone in town thought I stayed with Ma because I had no choice. It was never that. Opportunity was there, and financially I could’ve done it. I just had the gnawing sense of guilt about leaving her on her own. But after everything happened with Aubrey, we chatted about it, and Ma was ready for me to move on, was also ready for her own space. My guess it has something to do with Christopher. Seems the doctor took a fancy to Ma when he was treating her after her accident. I’m happy for her, he seems solid and properly into her. Above anyone, Janie Dean deserves a whole lot of happiness.
I was always good about saving my money and when I was old enough to understand, became keen on investing. I’ve worked hard, both with Steve and with the gigs I do, to get what I have. I own three of the six apartments within this building. They’re small but neat. A modern touch, having renovated each one on purchase to make it easily livable.
Luca rents one, right next door. Downstairs is tenanted by an elderly couple, and now I live in the third. Archer stayed here for a bit after everything went down with him and Annabelle and since then it’s been vacant. Not from lack of opportunity, I’m sure I could have rented it, I was just never motivated to find a new tenant. Maybe I always knew I’d want my own space; free of watchful eyes and curious gazes every time I walked into the room. Since Aubrey, everyone’s constantly watching, trying to decipher how I’m feeling. I ignored it, pretended I was oblivious to it, but shit, it grated on every last nerve I had before I made the decision to finally move out. It’s tolerable now. I can handle their examining eyes in small doses.
Ma is at work when I pull into her drive, and I’m thankful. Not feeling much like her company or the Spanish inquisition about what was going on in my life. She means well, but fuck…
Annabelle and Archer’s cars are both parked next door, and a dim light shines through their curtains. Considering A
nnabelle is still fuming over Aubrey, she rarely brings anything to do with the situation up, and of course, Archer never pushes me to talk if I’m not keen. So for me, they always seem a safe bet. After throwing a load of wash in, I raid Ma’s fridge, grabbing a bite before heading to see them. I make sure to step loudly on the porch, not needing to view anything I do not care to see. The window on their front door shows them snuggled on the couch, Annabelle’s lips bruised as she smiles shyly. Archer’s frown is irritated as he gives me a reluctant chin lift, telling me to come inside.
“Sorry guys, I can come back…” I offer, eyebrows raised in amusement.
Archer growls, focusing back on the TV as Annabelle smiles over at me. “Don’t be silly. Nothing’s going on, we’re just watching some crap movie Archer chose,” she taunts, and his scowl focuses on her as he pulls her in closer.
Walking towards them, Archer taps my fist with his own as I lean down and kiss Annabelle’s forehead, choosing to skip her lips, not needing Archer’s saliva on my mouth. Throwing a quick glance Archer’s way, he looks almost proud, understanding my movement. Such a tool.
Dropping onto a separate sectional, my eyes flick to the TV and the three of us fall into silence as buildings explode and car chases slide across the screen.
“Visiting Janie?” Annabelle pulls my attention, clearly done with the film.
“Just doing laundry,” I answer, leaning back and crossing my feet atop of the coffee table in the center of the room.
“Tammy came into the shop late this afternoon looking for her mom,” she tests quietly, eyes flicking downward.
“Oh yeah?” My eyes dart to Archer whose disapproving stare has landed on Annabelle’s head.
“Belle, baby, leave it,” he warns quietly, squeezing her arm.
