“Could be three months,” I whispered.
“Shit, Ambs.” My eyes shot open and darted in Marika’s direction. I stopped walking, rooted to the spot and stood in question with my hands on my hips. Marika also stopped and shifted Giana onto her other hip. “Are you serious? Three months?” she questioned.
My shoulders rose and head bobbed in answer. “I don’t know. I could be. Why?”
“Amber, you need to get to your doctor as soon as possible so they can get you in for a dating scan and early checks. I presume you’re not taking prenatal vitamins either?” I shook my head no. “You need to get some and start taking them straight away.”
Dating scans, check-ups, prenatal vitamins? My head was spinning. Just as my stomach roiled again and I thought I might need to dart off to the tree again, strong arms wrapped around me from behind.
“There’s my beauty,” Craig breathed against my ear and pulled me back tight against his chest, his hands skimming down my body to rest over my tummy. I immediately tensed up and pulled out of his embrace, putting a few paces between up. I knew it didn’t make sense, that it was an irrational reaction, but until he knew what was in there, a part of him, it felt wrong for him to be touching me intimately like that.
The queasy feeling hit again and I ran across to the tree, holding my hand against the trunk as I heaved and gagged, and gasped for air. This couldn’t be happening. I wasn’t ready for it all. We were supposed to decide when we wanted this and be prepared for it. We would try for a couple of months, as we became used to the idea of becoming parents, and then it would happen. I would have done my research and known what to expect and I would have taken better care of myself. But there I was, on the verge of crying because of the heaving, scared about what Craig was going to say and overwhelmed by the feelings stampeding through me, sending all common sense scurrying in the opposite direction.
“Amber? What’s wrong, baby? You didn’t tell me you weren’t feeling well.” I thumped my head against the tree and inhaled deeply trying to control my pounding heart and retching stomach. I knew I had to just tell him. Whatever the outcome, however he took the news; he had a right to know. He needed to know.
I turned around in time to see Marika pushing Giana away back toward the house. She was giving us the space we needed to talk things through. “We need to talk,” I whispered, keeping my eyes locked on Marika’s retreating form.
Craig
Those words were never said when someone needed to tell you something wonderful. You never heard, “We need to talk… I won the lottery,” or “We need to talk… I found the cure for cancer.” No, those words were usually accompanied with words that might as well have been a huge kick in the nuts, and going by the look on Amber’s face, I wasn’t going to like what she had to tell me one bit.
“What is it, baby?” I tried to reassure her by rubbing her arm but she just pulled it away and took another step back. Why was she withdrawing from me? Whatever was wrong, she needed to tell me, and she needed to do it fast because all sorts of shit began running through my head.
“I don’t… I can’t… I’m not,” she stuttered and finally looked up at me with worried eyes as she chewed on the inside of her lip.
“Let’s go and sit down and you can tell me whatever it is you need to tell me, okay?” I tried to keep my voice steady when I felt anything but.
Amber didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes; she just stared out at the water, wringing her hands in her lap. Nerves were beginning to consume me and I was almost ready to fall to my knees and plead with her to talk to me, positive as I was that she was about to deliver devastating news. I didn’t. I sat patiently and gave her the time to gather her thoughts. Inside, though, I was screaming for her to just get on with it.
“Craig before I… I just want you to know I never meant for it to happen.”
Oh fuck, no please no, not that. Those words usually meant only one thing.
“It was an accident… the tablets, they must have screwed with my pill, I didn’t realise. I’m sorry.”
Tablets? The pill? What was she talking about? “Amber, what are you talking about? Please, baby, just spit it out. Whatever it is, just tell me, it will be okay. We can sort it out.”
“Craig, I… um… I’m pregnant.”
I sat motionless unable to process what she’d told me. She was pregnant? How? Why? She’d promised me she regularly took her birth control. There was no way she could be pregnant. Unless? No, Amber wouldn’t do that. Not my Pingu. Would she?
As her declaration seeped into my consciousness and it became obvious this was no joke I asked, “You’re what?” I knew, she’d already told me, but fuck me, this could not be happening.
“I’m pregnant,” she said again quietly.
I looked into her terrified eyes welling with tears, and felt torn. The world was moving on around us, people were going about their daily lives, oblivious to the fact a huge fucking rug had just been pulled out from under me. The chill of the cool spring breeze hit the skin on my exposed forearms, but I barely noticed. I felt dazed. Blood was pounding in my ears as I fought to keep a lid on the feelings raging through me. What was it? Anger? Fear? Betrayal? I didn’t fucking know. All I knew was I was overwhelmed with something and felt like I was about to erupt.
“You’re pregnant?” I seethed, deliberately keeping my voice low fearing I might just lose it with her, even with Joe public walking by. “How the hell did that happen? We agreed to wait, Amber.”
“I… I know we did. I’m sorry. This is as much a shock to me as it is to you, you know?”
“No, Amber, I don’t know. I don’t fucking know anything. How could you be so stupid? How could you let this happen? We agreed to wait,” I said again. My voice had risen and people were starting to look in our direction but I didn’t care anymore. Let them look. “We’re not ready to be parents, Amber. I’ve told you this several times. We’re still getting to know each other, building a life together. Bringing a baby into the world at the moment is just fucked up. It’s wrong.”
At that moment Amber stumbled back and touched her hands down across her stomach, making small soothing movements. I narrowed my eyes and watched for a moment before backing away. I couldn’t believe this was happening. We weren’t ready to be parents. The timing wasn’t right. I couldn’t be a dad, not yet. Turning around I started striding back toward home. I needed space to be on my own.
“Craig!” Amber screamed from behind me. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t stop. I simply lifted my arm dismissing her and carried on walking.
Breathe. Focus. Clear the mind. That was my mantra as I pounded the streets trying to take my anger out on my legs and run from my feelings, and what would no doubt be waiting for me when I got back to the house. Amber hadn’t followed me when I’d returned home and I was glad. I’d needed time to wrap my head around her bombshell. I’d pulled on my grey jersey shorts, black t-shirt and trainers, and on my way out had grabbed my iPod for some music distraction. I was sweating like a pig and pushing myself harder than I ever had before just to rid myself of the thoughts persistently circling my head. “Temper Temper” by Bullet For My Valentine was raging in my ears and it pushed me further. It made me run harder, faster, trying to run from the reality of our situation, from the fucked up mess I had just created.
The song came to an end and the playlist shuffled to “Animal I Have Become.” I realised I’d been running without thinking and had deviated from my usual route. I found myself in the gardens we’d been in earlier and I looked around to see if Amber was still around. Part of me wanted to see her so we could talk; the other part hoped she wasn’t because I didn’t want to talk. She wasn’t there. Dropping down onto the grass, I laid back and stared up at the cloudless blue sky. I was a dick. A self-absorbed arsehole so caught up in his own thoughts and problems that he failed to be there to support the one individual who made him a better person. The only one who could ground him so he saw the world in bright, ri
ch colour and not just black and white.
Amber’s pregnant?
I’m going to be a dad?
Holy shit! I didn’t even know how to process that. It hadn’t been something I’d been expecting, at least not for another couple of years or so.
Am I ready to be a dad?
I had only just begun to take responsibility for myself since meeting Amber; did I really have what it took to be a good dad, to be firm but supportive?
And what about Amber and me?
I knew my future was with her and I couldn’t imagine ever being apart from her, but I worried that bringing a baby into the equation would surely change things between us. I pulled myself up to a sitting position and looked out over the gardens. My gaze landed on a man swinging a laughing little boy around.
What if my son or daughter doesn’t like me?
I was lucky that I’d grown up with two loving parents but I’d seen the broken families, ones like Aleisha’s, where the kids detested their fathers simply because they existed. Okay there was usually more to the story but I would never want that. Because of my own insecurities, I needed to feel the love and respect of those closest to me. Anything less would crush me.
The undeniable feelings of entrapment were also coursing through me. I couldn’t help it. It was a pathetic gut reaction to the hurt and betrayal of years before when I’d discovered the truth about Aleisha’s pregnancy. I found it hard to believe that the baby was mine and that Amber hadn’t been seeing someone behind my back. Did I think she would do that to me? Not in a million years, yet it was the irrational fear I had.
“Shape up Silver.” A tall figure loomed over me causing a dark shadow to eclipse the sunlight barely warming my fatigued body. Pulling my gaze away from the little boy and his father, I looked up to see Scott standing there looking ready to rip my head off. “Get your moody arse up and explain to me why I’m not currently enjoying a romantic meal for two with my beautiful woman.”
I took his outstretched hand and used it to pull myself to standing. “I haven’t got a fucking clue why you are not currently stuffing your face, Scott. Why don’t you enlighten me?”
“Because, dickhead, my lovely lady – who happened to look especially hot – is currently consoling a sobbing blonde who thinks her arse of a partner is about to walk out on her, leaving her alone to raise a child by herself.” My eyes widened at his scornful words. Not only did Scott know about the baby, I’d also scared Amber so much that she truly believed I would leave her over this. “Don’t give me that look, Dickwad. Care to explain what happened?”
“You obviously know what happened,” I replied dryly as I brushed the grass off my clothing and started to walk away. I needed to get home and talk to Amber.
Scott grabbed my elbow, stopping me in my tracks. “Come on man, you can talk to me. What’s going on?”
I paused for a moment before speaking, my head dropping. “Amber’s pregnant and I don’t know how I feel about it,” I admitted, suddenly feeling the weight of the whole situation settle on my chest.
“I caught that much. But why are you not over the moon? I thought you would be happy about this.”
As we walked the ten minutes back to the house, I explained to Scott about my fears and worries about the pregnancy. He told me I was being a stupid, selfish prick who needed to man the fuck up and support his beautiful fiancée and unborn child.
“Where is she?” I asked when we arrived back at the house. “I’ll quickly shower and go get her. I need to see her.”
“She’s here. She was in a right state when she called Becki so we picked her up from the gardens and brought her back here. I left Becki talking to her, and figuring you had probably tried to run it off, I came looking for you.” Nodding, I reached for the door handle but before I could open the door, Scott stopped me again. “Craig, man, be gentle with her. From what I gather this is just as much a shock to her as it is to you. She needs your support.” Without reply I opened the door and stepped inside to go and grovel for my life.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Amber
If you looked up the word anguish in the dictionary you would see the phrase, ‘extreme pain or misery.’ If you asked me to describe anguish I’d give you one word, ‘black.’ There was nothing else, no thoughts, no vision, no hope to cling on to. It was all just… black. I had known Craig would be shocked about the news, and maybe I should have waited and tried to prepare him for my news rather than drop the bomb like I did. But I didn’t. He’d asked me what was wrong and I’d told him. It wasn’t just his attitude towards the baby; that I could understand, it was his whole demeanour. I’d never seen him so angry before, and certainly never anything aimed at me. Usually when I’d pissed him off, he’d respond with controlled anger, calling me out on my shit and calmly talking me round. This time, though, he was so mad. And he’d never walked away from me before.
“Ambs, can I get you anything?” Becki was sitting next to me on the sofa, watching over me like a mother hen. I was sure she didn’t know what to say or do. Self-confessed as happy to be childfree for the rest of her life, Becki must have been thinking what the hell I was doing being in this position in the first place.
“No, I’m fine.”
“When did you last eat?” She sounded like Marika.
“I haven’t,” I admitted. It had been a weird day, emotionally as well as physically and the thought of food just made me want to heave again.
She glared at me using her ‘mother knows best’ expression. “Look, I’m no expert but I do know you need to eat. I need for that little poppet in there to be strong and healthy so that when he or she is big enough they can help me kick Uncle Scott’s arse.”
“Poppet?” I queried with a giggle.
“Yeah, Poppet. Everyone gives their embryo’s a name right? What would you prefer, peanut, jellybean, broad bean, runner bean, mange tout?” Trust Becki to come out with the most ridiculous things to try and lighten the mood.
“Poppet is fine,” I replied with a smile and found my hand dropping to rest over my tummy again. Despite my initial shock and fear about what Craig would say, I could not deny the protectiveness and love I already had for this new life growing inside me. I would do whatever I needed to do to make sure we were both healthy and safe.
“Good, so what can I get for Poppet and mummy? ‘Cause Ambs, you are going to eat something, even if I have to shovel it into your gob and use my amazing brute strength to force it down you.” I couldn’t help but laugh. Knowing Becki she would actually do that, and even though she was the same height as me and slim, she was so much stronger.
“Fine, if you insist. I’ll have a sandwich and a coffee.”
“Sandwich yes, coffee, nuh uh. Your coffee days are behind you now for at least the next seven months.” She made a move to stand and I grabbed her elbow to stop her.
“What do you mean my coffee days are behind me?” I asked incredulously. She knew my caffeine addiction.
“Oh. My. God. Even I know you have to give up coffee when you’re pregnant. Geez, Ambs, I think we need to go through some dos and don’ts,” she said exasperated. “Have you got any herbal teas? You can have one of those,” she asked and then laughed as she walked off toward the kitchen. Deciding I didn’t want to sit alone, I followed Becki into the kitchen and took a seat on one of the bar stools, watching as she rifled through in the fridge.
“You don’t have to do that you know. I’m quite capable of making my own sandwich.”
She looked around the fridge door and waved a cucumber in the air. “Yes you can, but I want to do-” she was interrupted by the sounds of the front door opening and footsteps thudding on the wooden flooring.
“Amber?” Craig’s deep voice thundered down the hallway while my wide, wary gaze locked onto Becki’s. She gave me a sympathetic smile and nodded her head in the direction of the front door.
I knew I needed to tackle the issue head on and face whatever Craig needed to tell me. It didn’t
stop the bile that rose in my throat, threatening to choke me though. I lifted myself off the stool and turned just as Craig walked into the room. Our eyes met, and for just a second I could see relief on his face, but it was quickly replaced by his usual determined expression.
“We need to talk,” Craig said, repeating my words to him from earlier. Hearing him say it and knowing how he felt about things, filled me with dread. Nodding, I reluctantly followed him out of the room as he turned and walked toward the living room.
The first thing I noticed about Craig when I joined him was his posture. His usual commanding stance was now slumped over. His arms were crossed over his chest but not in a powerful and domineering way. With his sad and dull eyes he looked almost vulnerable. I walked further into the room and sat at the end of the sofa, waiting for him to utter the words that would cut me to shreds.
“Amb’s, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I shouted at you, sorry I walked away from you, I shouldn’t have done that. But mostly I’m sorry for hurting you.”
I gulped and looked down at my shaking hands wringing together in my lap.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Amber, and say I’m happy about this, I’m not. The timing isn’t right and we’re not even married yet.” I nodded as a tear escaped my eye. “But it is what it is and I need to accept that.” He sighed as though defeated.
Finally risking a glance up a Craig, the moment our eyes met he was in front of me, dropping to his knees and taking my hands in his. “Don’t cry baby, please. It kills me when you cry. I’m sorry, so fucking sorry. This is going to take some getting used to and I’m scared Ambs. I don’t know how to be a dad. After what Aleisha did to me I swore I would never get involved seriously with someone again, never mind have children. I’m no role model, I don’t know the first thing about kids. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with just the two of us before I began to contemplate if I could get over my fears and have children.” His eyes moved down to look at my stomach. “I’m here for you, though. I’m here for both of you.”
Silver Dove (Silver #2) Page 16
