by Paul Sating
"It wasn't too bad. I did a microscopy and wasn't satisfied so I had to go the mitochondrial route for the DNA since you didn't bring me anything with a root."
"Sorry. Is that bad?"
One corner of her mouth turned upwards. "It is what it is. Nothing I can't overcome. It just takes a few extra tests ... especially for this sample. Listen, where did you get this?"
"Out by Quinault. Up in the mountains, near the Colonel Bob Trail."
"Well, it's interesting."
"How do you mean?"
Nancy responded with a simple 'hmmm'. Jared swallowed. This could be a long meeting. "The bad news is this sample isn't one animal. There’s definitely some cross transfer here. One of them definitely belongs to a deer, I'm positive of that."
"Oh, okay. I've got to say, doc ... do I call you doc?
That got a smirk from her. "Nancy is fine."
"Okay, Nancy. I was expecting worse news. If that was the bad news I'll take that as a win."
His ears thumped from the change in blood pressure when she replied, "Then you'll probably be thrilled with my good news."
"Why's that?" Here it was again, the thrill that erased all his worries and woes, all concerns of the very real life he was fucking up.
"It's not the cross transfer that bothers me," she responded. "There's more than deer hair in what you brought me. And it's also more than one other animal. By that, I mean species, of course."
"That's the good news?" He was glad he hadn't picked up a clump of deer hair, but he also couldn't deny his disappointment.
"Our mutual friend said you were investigating Sasquatch, to see if it exists or not. Right?"
It didn't matter if she was Peter's associate or not, he was going to tread carefully. He didn't know her, hadn't even met her in person until today since their previous, brief interaction was done over the phone. "Something like that. Yeah."
Nancy tapped the papers she held. "Mr. Strong, I've looked at hundreds of thousands of samples. I've seen thousands of variations across hundreds of species and this, this sample you brought? I have no idea what it is. I searched the database in the National Center for Biotechnology Information as well, to double check my hunch. Nothing. But, since you may or may not be looking for Sasquatch, I thought you'd be thrilled to know. Even if I can't tell you exactly what it is, I can tell you that it's a primate, Hominidae family, probably in the Homininae subfamily. And that hair ... it shares a 92% homology with humans."
Jared wanted to high-five Nancy, but that would probably unravel this carefully constructed professional he saw before him. He would have hugged her as an alternate, but she already put off every signal possible that screamed unapproachable. Not sure how to share his excitement with someone like her, or without knowing if she knew how to get excited, Jared thanked her for her time.
Nancy Reegan might be more inquisitive and curious about what Jared found than she was excited by it, but he knew someone who would be as excited as him. First, he had to say his farewells to Nancy, which he did, and then get home to Molly. He needed to take care of her and then he needed to give the good news, his full attention, to the woman who made him the man he was.
And he knew how he was going to do it.
He was going to see her.
Jared pulled out the recorder as soon as he got in the car. The podcast listeners were going to need to hear this at some point so why not give it to them while he was still excited? If anyone subscribed to the show they'd laugh if they could see his face now.
"I've still got a high from my conversation this morning with Doct—Nancy. I'm not going to lie," he started. "I left her office about forty minutes ago and my adrenaline is still pumping. She wasn't willing to go beyond calling the sample inconclusive, but I'm used to people in the science fields being inconclusive about a lot of things when it comes to Sasquatch. But, sorry skeptics, I'm not giving you that golden nugget you want. I'm not going to hand-deliver you justification to paint all Sasquatch researchers, investigators, and hunters into a corner. But I am optimistically cautious. And I haven't even heard back from Peter yet about the casts I left with him. No, I won't draw definitive lines until the science of this investigation gives me a good foundation. I imagine that'll disappoint some of you.
"That hair sample belonged to a primate," he continued after downing half the bottle of Mountain Dew. "Of all the fauna in this part of the Olympics, non-human primates aren't one of them, so that means this sample belonged to an animal that isn't supposed to be here. It belongs to the great ape family, close to the subfamily that includes gorillas, bonobos, chimpanzees and us. Nancy has experience with the others and still wasn't confident in identifying what I brought her. That's significant. Not conclusive, but significant. Something is out in the Olympics that isn't supposed to be there."
Jared smiled at his cleverness. That should hook some of them.
He wasn't a car salesman; he wasn't peddling garbage. This creature was out there. He knew that because he'd lived through it, he'd survived it, but he also knew that asking people who didn't share his experience to walk this journey with him was asking a lot. He couldn't overwhelm them with data or he'd lose them. All good people of science, the savants, anyone deeply invested in a field ... they told stories instead of data dumping. He knew the people who listened to podcasts, the ones who would give his tiny show a chance, needed to be entertained first. Once they were invested, once they cared, then he could educate them. And, if he did his job right, they'd learn. And maybe open themselves to the possibilities.
He needed to hook them, especially now that things were accelerating.
But toward what?
*****
Jared thought about it all the way to Port Angeles, a three-hour drive up along the bays and inlets of western Washington. It was one of the best drives he'd had in a long, long time. Outside Olympia, he'd called Maria and asked if she would meet for lunch, that he was willing to talk to her about the divorce and their future. Tinges of guilt swamped him after they hung up. It wasn't as if he'd lied to her, he hadn't, but he hadn't been truthful either. And she deserved nothing but the truth. But at the same time, she wouldn't completely understand why this recent confirmation from Nancy Reegan was so important, not to his career, not for this investigation, but for them. And he wanted, no, he needed her to understand it from his perspective. He needed her to see it on his face. A phone call wouldn't do, it had to be in-person.
And now he was here, ready to share with her.
He pulled the recorder back out of the backpack. He wasn't sure if this was going in the podcast or not, and he didn't care about that at the moment; he wanted to talk out the jumbled mess that was in his brain. He'd worry about the content of it later.
"I'm in a port city in the northern tip of the Olympic region of Washington State," he said. "It's called Port Angeles. I'm actually sitting in the car outside a tiny restaurant called The Corner House, situated on the bottom floor of a three-story building, which is painted one of the most horrendous shades of orange you'll ever see. It's not a common color in this part of the world, especially this part of the state, which is notorious for its dull grayness. The Pacific Ocean tends to not do the region any favors. Olympia's weather is bad enough, but out here ... I don't even want to know how many people are popping pills to fight off depression. I get that feeling each time I come to Port Angeles ... which has been far too often lately."
Now came the hard part. "The entire reason I'm here today is because of Maria. Yes, I've got something I've got to check out later, but ... right now I need to see her. She moved here after our separation. As a successful designer she earned the luxury of being able to work wherever she wants and, since she has family in the area, she decided to move back here for that support network. She's been staying with her parents since we split up. I guess it doesn't hurt that the move also puts three hours of distance between us." He sighed. "I'd better head inside. Can't have her waiting too long; pushing along this divor
ce seems to be a priority for her."
His heart skipped when he stepped out of the vehicle. It was like being a teenager again. The enigmatic nature of love always twisted his gut. The excruciating desire to love someone else, holding out hope that they would love you in return and not knowing if they did or if the signs you were noticing were nothing more than wishful thinking. The good thing about maturing was that you learned how to figure that stuff out and deal with it, but the rationality of time didn't always eliminate the exuberance of youthful naiveté.
Maria sat at a table in the middle of the dining room. A perfect setting for a private conversation. Sarcasm was harder to defeat than a wife’s desire to divorce.
Her smile was conservative. "How was the drive?”
Was she unhappy with him being here? Was he being needy? Was she going to tell him to piss off? Patience buddy, he chastised himself, you're not a pup anymore. "Not bad. Of course, it's not the weekend so there wasn't much traffic coming up the 101."
"I'm sorry," she said. "You didn't have to come out, you know? We could have talked about this over email or Skype or the phone. I feel bad that you drove all this way."
"Don't," he said as the waitress filled his coffee. "I was coming out here anyway. There's a report I need to check out."
Her reaction was immediate. Deflation. "Oh, of course," she said, her smile now just a memory. "Silly me."
"So, everything okay with the job? How's the family?"
"Fine. Everything's fine," Maria said. He wasn't sure why she was pouting like this. "Listen, Jared, I know you aren't crazy about talking about this, but we need to."
"I know. I'm trying to figure out why you're in such a hurry to get to it. I thought we agreed that we were going to take our time?" He was gripping the cup handle so tightly he could see small ripples in the coffee as his hand shook. He let go and interlocked his fingers instead of making a mess of that too.
"We are."
"This isn't taking time, Maria," he threw a hand in the air in frustration. "God, I'm in the middle of an investigation right now, I've actually found something significant. Possibly very significant. Your timing sucks."
She leaned forward over her own coffee. "Believe it or not, I'm not doing this to torture you or screw with you. I've asked you numerous times to sit down with me and talk. I want to keep this amicable while we figure out how we're going to split up our things. You said you were interested in that. You said you were willing to do that and then you keep avoiding it. Avoiding me. I'm trying to be patient, but it's time, Jared. I need you to get serious about this and take some time for me."
Everything flashed before his eyes—the self-talk, deprecating as it always ways, the chastising he gave himself over the things he'd done, every sleepless night since she left, the drinking binges like his father's—it all came to him in a flash of disappointment. All those times he told himself that he was going to fix what he broke stared him in the face. All it required was his stopping past behaviors. "But I don't want to Maria. I don't want to split up. I don't want a fucking divorce." He didn't remember picking up the coffee spoon but it was in his hand, pinched between his thumb and his index finger. "I want you. I want us again. I wish you did too."
Maria bit her lower lip. He loved when she did that. "I don't know if I can give you what you need. Not right now."
"Can you at least try?" Jared realized he was close to begging now. "Can you stop being in such a hurry to make this official and give me a chance to prove myself? Give me a chance to show you that I'm serious about us? Can you give me that?"
"You know what I need," she answered. "I've been telling you for years what I want, but you're so goddamn busy with ..." she paused to compose herself, "you're busy with your passions and I don't feel right asking you to give those up. So, where do we go?"
That was the million dollar question, wasn't it? The path was so clear on those lonely nights when all he asked was to have her back in his life. He could see it, without obstruction. He knew what he needed, but like most people, had no idea how to get there. That was the difficult part; how did you navigate to a goal that required so much of you and the people you cared about? He didn't have the words but he did have the desire. So he could sit here and continue to look dumbly at her or he could start walking towards that goal, knowing that if he did it correctly, if he was open and vulnerable, she might just walk along beside him. "I swear to you, I'm done, Maria. I am. Once this investigation is over I want to move on. I really do. I want to focus on you and me and ... and starting that family. I swear I do but I know I can only show you that. Words without actions are meaningless. I'm ready."
The words, his plea, hung in the air between them, a foggy haze of love and pain they were both trying to see through, to see the real person on the other side. He felt that. He felt that she was trying to reach across the divide. It wasn't just him; there was a willingness coming from her as well. "Do you mean that? You're asking me to put my life on hold, you know that, right? I've done that for years, the last five, in fact. It's time for me, Jared. Me. What assurances do I have that you're serious? That you'll follow through this time and that we won't be circling around this two years from now?"
This was the test.
"You'll have to take my word for it, trust me," he said, rushing to justify his perspective before she had a chance to doubt. "I know, I know. I don't have a right to ask that. But I mean it. It's time. And if I'm right about my hunch, and the evidence is starting to show that I am, I'll be able to walk away with the closure I need."
Her eyes narrowed. "That's the problem. This runs deep for you, much deeper than any of your colleagues know. I don't know if you'll find the closure you're looking for. Have you told anyone else the truth? About why you do this?"
At least she was tender when she pried open the wound. "No. It's none of their business."
"I want you to get that closure. I hope you do," her voice held a hint of regret. "I don't know if I can wait for it."
The window was closing.
The path was narrowing.
She might need to step off so he had room to walk it.
Alone.
Jared felt it all slipping away. As quickly as the promise had shown itself, it was fading. "Please give me a chance. I know what I've done. I've seen the impact of giving up everything for this. I'm tired of this damned thing costing me the people I love. I don't want to lose you."
Then he remembered the recorder and shut it off. Future fans of the podcast or not, they didn't need to hear this. If they had any taste they wouldn't want to hear it.
The click of the OFF button felt good. It felt like a step down the path. Toward her.
"I'd do anything for you," his voice cracked. "If that means giving this up tomorrow so that I can show you how serious I am then that's what I'll do. I'll do it in a second, without thought."
"I wouldn't ask that of you," she defended herself, though he didn’t ask her to.
He nodded. "And that's why I love you. You've given up so much for me and my passions and this stupid goddamn childish dream. Any other woman in the world would have walked away a long time ago. A long time ago. But you didn't. You stayed and you fought and you sacrificed. And I want to do that for you now."
Maria gave him a tight smile after a few seconds. It wasn't the convincing type of smile that you rushed to tell your friends about or the type that would have your mother's head explode with thoughts of future weddings and grandchildren, but it was one that told him she was hearing him. And that's all he could ask for at the moment. He didn't deserve anything more. Not prone to make rash decisions, Maria wouldn't give him an answer today, he knew that. He didn't want one. He wanted to be as fair to her as she'd been to him throughout this and if that meant he had to sit on idle hands and bide his time then that was exactly what he was going to do.
Whatever the cost.
Whatever the price.
For her.
*****
Jared w
aved to the back of Maria's car as she pulled away from the restaurant. The gray drizzle of Port Angeles' sky reminded him of his chances with the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He'd spit back at it if he could.
Instead, Jared climbed into his truck and began the long trek into the mountains. He wished he could be excited about another drive because, under any other conditions, it would be a stunning journey. But that emotion never reached him. He couldn't get excited because he couldn't focus; not on the drive, not on the wondrous emerald beauty that surrounded him, and not even on the lack of traffic. He couldn't think about all the progress he was making in the investigation, what Peter was going to say about the prints he'd left with him. And he couldn't even revel in the validation Nancy Reegan gave him about the unidentifiable hair sample. None of that mattered when he realized things may be falling into place with Maria. Even the investigation, by extension, was a positive indication of where things were headed. Sure, tomorrow it would be all over if that was what she asked. She wouldn't, she wasn’t like that. But that was also why she wasn't in his life, because she loved him so dearly that she was willing to give up on them so that they both could be happy. But now, things were coming to a head. If he stayed determined, if he stayed focused, he was going to make the find that would pull Sasquatch out of cryptozoology or he was going to prove, at least for the Pacific Northwest, that it didn't exist. Once he reached that mark then he could walk away and live a life of peace.
It wasn't about finding the damn creature, it was about documenting its existence, proving that it was real, and working with local municipalities and the state to preserve a habitat for it since humankind seemed determined to blacktop the entire surface of the planet. If he could reach that pinnacle, then walking away wouldn’t be an act of betrayal to the little boy in him. He would have accomplished what that boy had set out to do.
