by L. D. Davis
I shrugged a shoulder. “It’s probably more gratifying for you because you’ve already hit so many milestones. You are a success story, Caden Hanes. M.J.’s is doing extraordinarily well, and you have the awards and many accolades to prove it. You are already doing exactly what you’ve always wanted to do.”
He didn’t say anything for several minutes. When he did finally speak, I wished that I had never said anything.
“Are you really still here because of me?”
I gazed at him. He met my eyes a couple times as he waited for me to answer.
“I never told you this, but a few weeks into our relationship an opportunity opened up for me to go to Spain. The living conditions would have been awful, I’m sure,” I said, laughing softly. “I would have had to share a room that is smaller than the one I have now if you can believe that. There was a kitchen for me to work in as la panadera in training. The pay would have been crap, but my friend was going to work la comida which meant that we would have had the evenings to go out and explore and play. In Spain.”
I closed my eyes as I imagined what that life could have been like for me, but what life had actually become was something entirely different. I opened my eyes, because what could have been didn’t matter.
“I don’t know. Maybe I would have stayed there for the rest of my life, or maybe I would have done what I’d intended and stayed for a little while and moved on. The long and short of it is that I didn’t go because…I was in love. I thought I could always travel the world, but I couldn’t always fall in love. Spain was…it was an incredible opportunity, but the opportunity to stay here and experience you and me together seemed like the better opportunity at the time.”
“And now?” Cade asked, his voice gruff. “Do you still believe that it was the better opportunity?”
I didn’t have to think about it. I already knew the answer.
“I do,” I said softly. “I don’t regret not going then.”
The relief I expected to see on his face didn’t come. That pinched look was back on his face.
“If a similar opportunity presented itself now, would you go?” he asked quietly.
I looked at him for a long time before I answered. “I don’t know.”
I curled up in the seat and gazed out my window until the quiet between us and the soft movements of the car put me to sleep.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
I woke up with a start at the sound of Caden’s door slamming. Groggily, I blinked at my surroundings, confused. It took until Cade helped me out of the car before I realized that we weren’t outside of my apartment in Old City. We were all the way in Logan Square at Cade’s place. Far too tired to ask and argue about it, I followed him inside.
In his bedroom, we did a familiar, synchronized dance together. We kicked off our shoes next to the door. Cade stripped out of his shirt as I pushed my pants down and stepped out of them. As he bent over to retrieve my jeans so that he could fold them up, I went into the bathroom to use the facilities and brush my teeth. When I came out, I found that Cade had changed into pajama bottoms. He went into the bathroom next. While he was in there, I changed into one of his T-Shirts and pulled the blankets back on the bed. He came out just as I climbed in. He turned the light off and slid in beside me.
Automatically, I curled against his warm body. His arms went around me as they always did. It was almost hard to believe that anything had changed, but changed they had. I wasn’t sure what that meant for us in the long run. I had no idea what Cade intended to do with what I had said, if anything.
Expecting that strange silence between us again, I was nearly asleep when I heard Cade’s voice.
“There’s something I want to know, Dar,” he whispered.
“Hmm?” I murmured, not bothering to open my eyes.
He paused. “How do you say, ‘where is the bathroom’ in Spanish?”
My eyes popped open. “What?”
“You were going to go to Spain. You only know how to say a few things in Spanish, mostly dirty and bad words.” I could tell he was grinning. “You couldn’t just walk into the county without at least fucking knowing how to find a place to piss.”
I laughed and said, “Dónde está el de baño, por favor, perra.”
He laughed hard, but almost silently. “Where is the bathroom, please, bitch?”
“What? I said please.”
“Say ‘fuck’ in Spanish.”
“Why? You speak Spanish fluently, Cade. I know you know all the cuss words. I’m pretty certain that you know cuss words for most languages.”
He gave me a little squeeze. “But it’s only sexy when you say them.”
I giggled again. “Mierda.”
“Hmm. Say it again.” One of his hands began to caress my thigh.
I pronounced the word slowly. “Mierda.”
His hand inched up until his fingers slipped under my panties. It seemed as if his erection had been instantaneous. One moment his dick was still and soft, and in the next, it was jerking and hard against me.
“I think I like it better when you say it in English,” he said and kissed me lightly. “Say it.”
Maybe I was moving in the wrong direction. Maybe I shouldn’t have encouraged him, because though the road was paved in molten gold, it was still a road to hell.
“Fuck,” I said it slowly, accentuating the F and the CK.
Well, at least the road to hell would be pleasurable.
Cade kissed me hard enough to hurt, but I kissed him back.
“Say it again,” he said as he nipped at my lips.
His hand began to move in my panties. His fingers stroked me where I was getting hotter and wetter by the second.
“Fuck,” I moaned.
“Oh, fuck,” he groaned just before his mouth attached to mine again.
Two fingers pushed inside of me. I should have been closing my legs, closing myself up tight and out of his reach. My yes should have meant yes and my no, no. But when Cade touched me…my goodness. The heat. The electricity. The fire that burned inside me. The danger.
Lost in a cloud of need, I hardly noticed my shirt disappearing, or his pants falling away. His mouth covered one pebbled nipple and sucked it hard as his fingers slipped back inside of me. I still wore my panties. Looking down my body and seeing Cade latched onto my breast and his hand moving beneath the panties with cupcakes printed all over them almost sent me over the edge. There was little light in the room, but our eyes locked and I couldn’t look away.
Damn, I loved him. I loved him so much. How was I going to stay away from him? How could I possibly?
With my pleasure came pain. Even as my eyes teared up, I came with a cry as my thighs clenched and my back arched off the bed. It went on and on as his fingers continued to stroke me inside and his tongue flicked over my nipple. When I felt as if I may literally explode from sensation, I shoved at his arm and head. He relented with a wicked laugh just before he pulled my panties off despite me trying to kick him.
“Fuck, you’re sexy,” he growled as he caught my foot.
I shrieked when he sucked my big toe into his mouth.
“Ew!” I squirmed.
Having my toes sucked wasn’t on my list of sexy things, but as much as I avoided it, I also secretly enjoyed it. There was something repugnantly erotic about it.
“You’re not kissing me with that mouth,” I said as he kissed the inside of my ankle.
He smiled like the bad angel he was. “Wait till you see where this mouth goes next.”
I shivered.
Cade slowly kissed a path up my leg. His tongue found that erogenous zone behind my knee and lingered until it was almost too much. He kissed my inner thighs before he pushed them further apart.
I was already breathing heavy as I watched him make his way to my center. When his warm tongue finally touched me, I let out a long moan, and my fingers slipped into his silky hair. I licked my lips and then bit my bottom lip. Cade moaned as he devoured me. He enjoyed
tasting me as much as I enjoyed being tasted. My hips rose and fell slowly as I moved against his mouth.
Even though it was a cold day outside, with ice and snow still on the ground from the storm, my skin prickled with heat. A thin sheen of sweat broke out all over my body. My moans grew louder, my hips moved faster, and Cade continued to feast on me with relish.
I shattered, crying out his name as I held on to his head. My body shook with violence, and my heart just about jumped through my skin. Before I could even begin to get my wits about me again, Cade was sliding inside of me. My outcry was cut off by his mouth, smelling of me…tasting of me.
My fingers dug into his back so hard that he gasped into my mouth. Before he could take it in mind to pin my hands, I touched him everywhere I could reach. His arms, his neck, and shoulders. My fingernails trailed down his sides and up his strong back before going back down. With every thrust, I pulled him into me. He didn’t need the help, but I loved touching him like that. I never got to touch him like that. Ironic that when I finally had the opportunity to touch him, it could possibly be our last time.
Cade let me touch him for a long time, but he finally gave into his primal needs and my arms were pinned above my head.
“Yes,” he hissed as he held me down. “Just the way I like you.”
I moaned in response as I automatically pushed against him. He pressed harder as he thrust harder.
Groaning, he said, “Yes. Just like this. No matter what you do, how you fight to get away from me, like this you can’t. You can’t ever get away like this. You can’t ever fucking leave me like this.”
He shifted to hold me with one hand so he could lift my leg. My head tilted back as he slid in deeper and at a different angle. Something like a scream came out, and Cade thrust harder.
“Like this, you’re always mine,” he growled as his rhythm increased. “Like this, we are fucking perfect.”
“Cade,” I started anxiously, but I couldn’t find the words. My words were gone. There was only him inside of me, hard and rough.
He began to speak with less breath, gasping between words. “I’m inside you. So deep inside you, Darla. You’ll never be able to get me out.”
This time, I did scream, and Caden yelled along with me as we came together. As we took the leap together, fell through the sky together, and hit the ground in pieces. I didn’t think that I’d ever be able to put myself back together again. I had a feeling we would get the pieces all wrong, and I would forever have pieces of him in me, and he would forever have pieces of me with him.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
When I woke up late in the afternoon, I was alone in the bed. I sat up, still nude and aching everywhere, especially between my legs. A note sat on the table beside the bed with my name on it. I stared at it for a long time. I had to make a decision. If I read it, I knew I’d have to leave afterward and follow through, make my no mean no. If I ignored it, we could carry on as if nothing had changed, as if everything was the same. But that would be a lie.
I reached for the note, unfolded it, and read Cade’s neat print.
Darla,
I can’t be here when you leave. I can’t let you see what that will do to me. I love you more than anything or anyone in the fucking world, Dar, but I haven’t really shown you that, have I? You were right. I’ve taken you for granted. I didn’t do it on purpose, Dar, I promise, but I know that I have stolen your hopes and your dreams. You didn’t go to Spain. You stayed for me. Even though I only just found out about it, I know it is my fault you didn’t go. And to be perfectly fucking honest, even back then, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t have found a way to keep you here with me. I am a selfish bastard when it comes to you. Nothing and no one else matters. Sometimes that’s a good thing, but you opened my eyes last night, and now I see it differently: Nothing and no one else matters, sometimes not even what you want.
I am letting you go, Darla, but I am not giving up.
I love you.
Cade
Chapter Thirty
After I had read Caden’s note that night, I had cried for an hour before I’d finally pulled myself together enough to call Cherry to come help me clear my stuff out of his house. I’d gotten drunk that night with the hopes of numbing myself from the pain I’d been feeling, but it hadn’t worked. I’d only succeeded in crying uglier than I had when I was sober.
I’d spent the following day in bed, crying off and on. After work during that week, I’d done much of the same.
“I thought this is what you wanted,” Cherry had said at the end of the long week. She’d sat on the edge of my bed, watching me worriedly.
“What I want isn’t always what I want,” I’d said, repeating the words I had said to her when I’d returned from Virginia. “I love him, Cherry. I know I did this, and I know it needed to happen. I wasn’t wrong, but it don’t feel right either.”
I remembered that right and wrong mix of feelings when I had been about to leave Connor, too. I was creating a track record I didn’t really care for.
“Well, it’s not the end, right? You guys will eventually talk again and start from scratch?”
I’d shrugged. I hadn’t heard from Cade since I’d left his house. I hadn’t thought I had the right to call him since I had initiated our separation.
After another weekend of being glued to my bed, I slowly began to move forward with my life. I started to eat actual meals again instead of pecking at food. Sometimes I found reasons to smile and even laugh.
Cherry took me out in the middle of the work week in the second week. I had forgotten what it was like to be a young single woman in the city. We stayed out until three in the morning. I had just enough time to wash off the smell of second-hand cigarette smoke and pull my brain out of the weed fog it was in before I used Uber to get to work.
That Friday when I left work, Cade was standing outside waiting for me. I was so surprised that I tripped over my own feet when I saw him. He caught me before I could kiss the pavement.
“You’re so fucking graceful,” he said, chuckling.
“Like a ninja,” I responded absently, and then quickly asked, “What are you doing here?”
His hands were still on me, one on my elbow and the other on my hip.
“I thought I’d surprise you, see if you wanted to have lunch. You know, like…an actual date.”
I gave him a small smile. “We never officially had one of those. You just tricked me into dinner that first night.”
One eyebrow rose. “Are you sure it wasn’t the other way around? You did bring me cake. I say that you brought cake knowing that we couldn’t have cake without dinner first.”
“That’s funny because I often think of you as cake before dinner.”
We laughed together, but as soon as it ended, there was an awkward silence between us. After a minute, Cade ducked his head to look in my eyes.
“Come on, Dar. Let’s go have lunch.”
I bit my lip. “Okay, but it doesn’t count as a date. You’ll have to ask me properly and give me ample time to prepare.”
His smile lit up his handsome face and warmed my heart. “You got it, babe.”
We went to an Indian restaurant within walking distance of the bakery. It was strange to walk down the street with him and not hold his hand.
Our conversation was light during the walk and the first few minutes in the restaurant. We discussed the post by the blogger that had visited M.J.’s. I had seen it during my days of misery, and it had been the only piece of sunshine I’d had. The blogger had given M.J.’s a spectacular review, and since the guy blogged for a very popular local magazine, at least thousands of people had seen it. Cade said a few days after the review was posted, business doubled.
“Congratulations,” I said, beaming at him across the small table. “I’m so happy for you. You deserve that.”
“I have a good fucking team,” he said with a nod. “I wouldn’t have been able to do it without them—without you. You really saved m
y ass that night, Dar.”
I shrugged. “I just assisted in the ass saving.”
Our waiter brought us our beers, bringing an end to the easy conversation.
As I sipped my beer, I surreptitiously tried to see if there was anything physically different about Cade. I felt as if I hadn’t seen him in months instead of two weeks.
Though his blue eyes were still gorgeous, there were tiny fine lines in the corners that had not been there before, or maybe I just hadn’t noticed before. He didn’t have bags under his eyes, but still…he looked tired, as if he had been losing sleep.
Cade had always had a solid body, but had I not been so surprised when I first saw him outside the bakery, I would have noticed that he looked smaller. Not by much, maybe not even enough for most to notice, but I knew his body intimately well, and I knew that he, like me, had lost a few pounds over the past two weeks.
I realized, as my eyes met his again, that he knew that I was looking him over.
“How are you, Dar?” he asked me quietly, his gaze intense.
I had a whole bunch of bullshit answers lined up, but instead, I gave him the truth.
“Better than I was a week ago, but not half as good as I can be. How are you?”
He stared at me for a moment, but I couldn’t begin to guess at what he was thinking.
“You lost weight,” he said at last.
“I didn’t have much of an appetite. How are you?” I repeated.
He shook his head slowly. “You’re too skinny, babe. You gotta fucking eat.”
“Cade!” I said with exasperation. “How are you?”
His eyes closed as he let out a long breath. When he dropped his head into his hands, anxiety began to build in my chest, but he looked up again. His eyes were dry but sorrowful.
“I fucking miss you, Darla,” he said in a hoarse voice. “I fucking miss you. I know we’ve broken up before, and I missed you those times, too, but this is different. The other times, I missed you like I might miss my favorite TV show. It was on fucking DVR. I could go pick it up anytime. It was the same with you, though maybe I didn’t think of it like that so clearly then. I see it now, though. How I used to miss you but not worry too much because I knew, without a doubt, that I could pick you up again. You didn’t always make it easy, but I wasn’t worried. I always knew it would be a matter of time.”
