by Eve Gaddy
She thought she heard a sound but the door remained firmly closed. He’d hardly had time to shower, much less shave. Troubled, she set the book down. Soon, he’d come through that door. And he would expect to make love to her. Expect her to be ready, to be sure of what she was doing, when she was anything but.
Could she go through with it? Risk getting hurt, and worse, risk hurting him? If she left…no matter what he’d said, she knew their budding relationship would be over. No man would put up with a woman who couldn’t make up her mind. A woman who blew hot one minute and cold the next.
But if she stayed, what if she failed? Failed, as she had in the past. What if she had a flashback or froze or did something else to turn him off? What if she couldn’t respond to him as he wanted her to?
She’d responded earlier, but she hadn’t had time to think about it, to worry. Oh, why hadn’t he just made love to her when she’d asked him to?
Terence had told her often enough that she was the one at fault. That her problems had ruined the relationship, not his. She could still hear his words, each time they’d tried and Terence couldn’t make love to her. Face it, Lana, you’re the problem. My God, you flinch every time I touch you. How is any man supposed to make love to a woman who can’t respond? To a woman who’s as frigid as an ice cube.
She knew she was partially to blame. She could admit that now. It was unrealistic to expect that something as traumatic as rape wouldn’t have an effect on her sex life. But she’d wanted to work through her problems, and Terence had been irritated by them. So Terence had been at fault, too. He hadn’t seemed to be able to understand why she couldn’t just “get past it.” At first he’d been sympathetic. But the longer it went on, the more impatient he’d become with her. The more angry he grew for what he saw as her rejection of him. Then he’d left her for his counselor and after that, she hadn’t trusted any man. Didn’t believe any man would want her enough to be patient.
But Gabe did want her. And he was clearly aware she had some issues, even if he didn’t know exactly what they were.
You didn’t freeze in the other room, she reminded herself. And you want Gabe, you know you do. She’d been fine…for a little while. Until they’d come into the bedroom and she’d felt him on top of her.
She closed her eyes. God, she was hopeless. Gabe deserved better than a woman who might never be able to have a normal relationship with a man. She gave the closed door one last look, then got up and left.
Lana was gone when he came out of the bathroom. Gabe wasn’t surprised. He’d been almost sure she would take off. But had she left because of him, because of something he’d said or done? Or had she left because she was scared, because she hadn’t been ready?
Whatever the reason, he was going after her. He’d tried to forget her and it hadn’t worked. He might as well face the fact that he was falling in love with her and wanted a chance with her, even though he knew the odds were astronomical that they’d ever last. At least he could try. And he had to let her know, since she obviously didn’t, that she didn’t have to run away from him. All she needed to do was to tell him she wasn’t ready.
Half an hour later, he rang her doorbell. He heard the beat of heavy metal even through the closed door, so he rang it again. It made him smile. He hadn’t figured Lana for a heavy-metal-type woman. Classical, jazz, something like that, but never heavy metal. The music died down and she opened the door, looking totally shocked.
“Can I come in?” he asked when she simply stood there staring at him.
She stepped back and let him in, closing the door behind him. “I didn’t expect to see you.”
“I figured that. That’s why I came over.”
“I’m sorry I—” She closed her eyes and bit her lip. “I’m sorry I ran out on you.”
“We need to talk.”
She motioned to the couch and he limped over to it. It took him a minute to get there. God, it was annoying to never be able to do things easily. Even something as simple as sitting on a couch. He blew out a breath and propped his leg in front of him before he looked at her. “Why did you leave?”
She clasped her hands together on her lap and looked down. She wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I realized…I’m not ready to…make love. I know my actions made it seem like…I was. But I’m just not,” she finished hesitantly.
“Lana.” He waited until she looked up. “It’s okay to tell me that. I’m not going to push you into doing something you’re not sure about. That’s why I gave you a chance to think about it. But you didn’t have to take off. All you had to do was tell me you’d changed your mind.”
“I couldn’t. I was embarrassed. I didn’t think you’d want me there. Not after I’d—” She stopped and her jaw hardened. “Damn it, I came on to you. And then I ran out. At the least, I thought you’d be angry.”
“Do I look angry?”
She considered him. “No, you don’t.”
“Because I’m not. I told you I was giving you a chance to think it over.”
“I guess I didn’t believe you really meant it.” She looked down at her hands, then back at him. “But you did, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I meant it. I’d never hurt you, Lana. Not on purpose.”
“I…know.”
“Do you?” She nodded, but hesitantly. He wasn’t at all sure she believed that. But he meant to convince her. “Do something for me.”
“What?”
“Talk to me. Next time you’re feeling rushed, just tell me. You don’t have to run off.”
She was silent for a moment, just looking at him. “What if I’m never ready?”
He smiled and traced his thumb over her mouth. “We’re not on a timetable here, Lana. We’ll just take it slow and see what happens.”
He put his arms around her and pulled her close. Smoothed a hand up her back and over her soft, silky hair. Inhaled her scent of flowers after a spring rain. She rested her head against his shoulder, relaxed into him in a way that brought a lump to his throat. God, she was making him sappy. He felt like he was swimming in deep water, with no life preserver.
“I’m a jerk,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t have quit calling you.”
“It’s okay.” She slipped her arms around his waist. “When you quit calling, I thought you’d lost interest.”
He chuckled again. “No chance of that. Why do you think I’ve been lifting weights?”
“Physical therapy?”
“Nope. I was trying to get you out of my mind. It didn’t work.”
“I’m glad,” she said.
“Me, too.” He pulled back and looked at her. “Let’s try this again. We’ll take it as slow as you want. You call the shots. Okay?”
She looked troubled. “That doesn’t seem fair to you.”
“Let me worry about that.” He kissed her, careful to make it light, easy, nonthreatening. “So, is it a deal?”
She smiled and put her hand on his cheek. “You scare me.”
“That wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.”
“You scare me because you tempt me. I haven’t been tempted in a long time. So long I’d almost forgotten what it was like. To want…someone.”
“Good.” He kissed her again, a little longer, a little slower. Then he forced himself to end the kiss and hold her.
“Gabe?” She pulled back and gazed up into his face. “Why are you being so patient with me? Most men would have blown me off a long time ago.”
He looked into those deep-sea eyes and went down for the third time. Don’t tell her, he thought. She’s not ready for that, either. Hell, neither was he. But when he opened his mouth the truth came out.
“I’m in love with you, Lana.”
HER PHONE RANG. She didn’t make a move to answer it, she only stared at Gabe in shock. “What did you say?”
He half smiled. “Just what you thought I said. You’d better answer that.”
“The answering machine will get it. Gabe—”
He picke
d up her hands, held them together and kissed them. “Answer the phone. We’ll talk later.”
She hesitated but then she heard her ex-sister-inlaw’s voice on the machine. They still kept in touch because, as Crystal put it, “Just because my brother is an idiot doesn’t mean I am. You’ll always be family to me. Besides, you’re Dani’s godmother and nothing will change that.”
“Hi, Cris,” she said, interrupting the message she was leaving. “Sorry, I couldn’t get to the phone in time. What’s up?”
She shot a glance at Gabe but he hadn’t moved. He was watching her, smiling as if he hadn’t just dropped the biggest bomb she could think of on her. Gabe loved her? Damn, now she’d totally lost track of what Cris was saying.
“What? I didn’t hear that.”
Cris laughed. “That’s no wonder with Dani screeching in my ear. Dani wanted to thank you for her birthday present.”
Before she could answer, her goddaughter demanded the phone. “I miss you, Aunt Lana. When are you coming to see me?”
Her heart melted at the sound of the little girl’s voice. She’d been there when Dani was born seven years before and had seen a lot of her over the years. In fact, Dani and Cris were about the only people in California that she missed. “I don’t know, punkin. I have to work, so I can’t tell when I’ll be able to come. I miss you, too.”
“I have a new cousin,” the little girl announced. “But Aunt Janelle says I’m not old enough to hold him. I don’t think that’s fair, do you?”
Lana felt as if she’d turned to ice. Dani kept chattering but Lana didn’t hear any of the words. A baby. Her ex-husband now had a child. A baby she hadn’t been able to give him. She’d wanted to try again when she’d recovered from the miscarriage, but Terence had killed that hope—each and every time he’d rejected her. And with every rejection, her heart had withered a little more. Her stomach churned. She wanted to throw up.
“Lana?” Cris said, coming back on the line. “Oh, God, sweetie, I’m sorry. It didn’t occur to me Dani would blurt out that news.”
“I-it’s…all right. I was just surprised,” she lied, thankful she’d managed to speak. It wasn’t all right. She wanted to die.
“I would have told you before you came out here but I didn’t see any reason to say anything until I had to. I’m such an idiot, I should have warned Dani. I’m so sorry,” she said again. “I wouldn’t have had you find out this way for anything.”
“Don’t worry about it. Listen, Cris, I have to go. I’ll call you.” Blindly, she hung up.
“Lana, what’s wrong?” Gabe asked. He’d gotten up and come to her, and now he grasped her arm, looking at her with concern. “What’s wrong, honey?” he repeated.
“Nothing.” Her stomach was turning somersaults. She couldn’t think about it now. If she did, she’d fall apart. She hated that Terence still had the power to hurt her. After what she’d been through, why would this one thing hurt so much?
Because Terence had a child now. And because she still desperately mourned the one she’d lost.
“You look like you’ve been poleaxed. Tell me what’s wrong. Is someone hurt?”
I am, she thought. But she couldn’t speak. She simply shook her head. She stared into his eyes, seeing such sweet concern, such tenderness, she nearly cried. But she was afraid if she started, she’d never stop. She didn’t want to think about her ex-husband and the fact that while he so clearly had gone on with his life, she hadn’t.
Gabe could help her. Help her heal, help her start her life anew. If she let him. All she had to do was refuse to let fear and insecurity rule her. She put her arms around his neck, pulled his head down to hers and kissed him. He returned the kiss but then pulled back and looked at her, clearly puzzled.
“Make love to me, Gabe.”
CHAPTER ELEVEN
GABE STARED AT HER. “You want me to…you want—” Unable to finish the sentence, he broke off.
“I want to make love with you, Gabe. Now.”
She not only sounded desperate, she looked shell-shocked. He shook her off and backed away awkwardly. “Not ten minutes ago you said you weren’t ready. In fact, forty-five minutes ago, you were so not ready, you pulled a disappearing act.”
“I changed my mind.”
His eyes narrowed and he frowned. “What was that phone call about?”
Her laugh was devoid of humor. “Let’s just say it was a wake-up call.”
“Lana—”
“Do you want to make love or not?” She reached for the hem of her T-shirt and before he could blink, yanked it off over her head. When her hands went to her shorts, he managed to move, reaching her in a few halting, stumbling steps.
Thank God he reached her before she could get those off, too. He’d dreamed about undressing her, but not like this. He wanted her warm and willing, not upset and frantic.
He put his hands over hers and stilled them, keeping his eyes firmly on her face. No way was he going to look any lower. He was nowhere near that strong.
“What the hell is going on with you, Lana? Don’t tell me you’ve suddenly been overcome by lust, because I won’t believe it.”
Silently she gazed at him. Tears welled in her eyes and tracked slowly down her cheeks. Damn. He didn’t know what to do. Feeling helpless, he pulled her into his arms and placed her head against his chest, patting her back, murmuring soothing nothings to her as she cried.
He tried desperately not to think about the fact that he held a half-naked, gorgeous—and sobbing—woman in his arms. The very woman he’d dreamed about day and night for weeks. But that was impossible. Every inch of him knew he was holding Lana, and every inch of him wanted her with an intensity he hadn’t felt in years. Maybe ever.
Eventually she stopped crying. He slid his hands up her arms and looked down at her. She didn’t, as he’d expected, look beautiful when she cried. Her nose was red, her peaches-and-cream complexion splotchy, her eyes swollen. He wanted to make the hurt go away, wanted to protect her from whatever had caused her such pain. She still hadn’t spoken, but was looking at him with such sorrow, his heart twisted.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Gazing into his eyes, she shook her head. “I don’t want to talk. Kiss me, Gabe.”
He lowered his head and took her mouth slowly, gently. She sighed and leaned into him. She tasted of tears, but something more. Something sweet, a little hesitant. She smelled so good, like a field of flowers, and she felt even better with her barely covered breasts snuggled up against his chest. Her mouth opened and her tongue sought his, moving in a slow, sexy rhythm that skyrocketed the kiss from hesitant to hot.
Somehow, they made it to the couch, though how he managed it without falling over, he didn’t really know. He sank down and settled Lana on his lap, kissing her while she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself into him. If they didn’t stop soon, there would be no stopping at all.
He broke the kiss and stared at her. Her lips were full, moist from his kisses, her eyes heavy-lidded. She was beautiful again, unbelievably desirable. His for the taking. Hard to believe that less than an hour before she’d run out of his place because she wasn’t ready to make love.
Gabe wanted to make love to her more than he’d ever wanted anything. But not like this. Not while she was so upset she was reeling and desperately looking for a way to forget whatever had devastated her.
He’d never made love to a woman he cared about as much as he did Lana. He wanted their first time to be special, to mean something to her, as it would him. He wanted her to want him, not just need the oblivion sex could bring.
“Talk to me, Lana. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t want to talk.” She looked into his eyes and then her gaze fell. “You don’t want me, do you?”
Not want her? He could have pulled out his hair. “You have to know I do. But our first time should be about you and me, not about whatever’s got you so upset.”
She stared at him, t
hen closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’m sorry.” She leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. “I’m doing it again. Using you to help me deal with…things. I can’t believe I did that. You must think I’m awful.”
“I don’t think you’re awful.” He rubbed his hand up her arm. “You’re upset and you turned to me for comfort. But we don’t have to have sex for you to feel better. So tell me what happened. What was that call about?”
HE WAS RIGHT. She would have regretted it if they’d made love simply because she was upset about her ex-husband. And Gabe deserved better than that, too. Lana got up and walked over to pick up her shirt. She pulled it over head. “I don’t want to think about it.”
“Uh-huh.” He looked at her a minute. “Is that working?”
“It was,” she said. Then blew out a breath. “Okay, not really,” she admitted. She went back to the couch and sat beside him.
He didn’t say anything else. Just waited patiently for her to make the next move.
“I found out my ex-husband just had a baby. With his new wife.”
“Damn. That must have been hard to hear.”
Throat tight, she nodded. “It shouldn’t have been such a shock. I knew—” She’d known Terence wanted children. The child she’d lost had only widened the wedge between them. “I knew he wanted children. They’re both in their thirties. I should have realized…”
“Are you still in love with him?”
“No.” He didn’t speak, but she felt his skepticism. “It’s not him. It’s…I told you I lost a child. I know this probably makes me a horrible person, but—” She broke off, not wanting to voice her thoughts.
“Being upset because you lost your baby doesn’t make you horrible, Lana.”
“No, but what I’m thinking does.” Tears stung her eyes. “It hurts.” She clenched a fist, wanting to pound something. “Dammit, it’s not fair. He has a new wife, a new baby, and I’m left with nothing. Except memories.” She closed her eyes wishing she could stop the bombardment of emotion.
