Eyal entered the house that Sherry vacated as agreed. It looked just as he remembered it, but the feeling was different. The warm nest became cold, as if human feet hadn’t stepped on it for generations. He recalled how he returned from the army after many weeks that he had not seen Sherry, hungry for her body, and she opened the door for him. Every line in her face was an inscription of her love for him and the house was filled with smells of cooking and baking that were so comforting after spending a long time in the field.
He climbed the stairs to the bedroom, imagining that he could hear the streams of water on her body and join her. He imagined her coming out of the shower with her towel robe, dropping it on the floor and rubbing lotion over her wet body. She would go to the wardrobe, wear a simple T-shirt and compress her slim body with jeans.
He went downstairs while the image of Sherry accompanied him. He saw her sitting in the pergola and giggling with Ronit on the phone. Sherry was sitting on the ground and taking care of the plants. Here in the living room, Shahar sat on Sherry, and Sherry was caressing and kissing her again and again. He looked at them and melted with satisfaction, happy to see that Sherry was able to give love in such an amount. He asked himself over and over again where those hidden feelings were when Ofek was born.
Now, he wondered if he did not make the same mistake with Shahar, preventing her from the love of a mother.
How would he go from here? Find a woman and start all over again? He was not twenty-five. Could he find a woman who could fill the role of Sherry, that even after 20 years, he could still feel the heartbeat whenever he saw her? Would another woman be able to give him the same rush of pleasure whenever he saw her holding his daughter on her lap? Would a strange woman be able to love his daughter? Would Shahar love her? It was true that Natalie existed in his life, but did he love her? Confusing thoughts floated in his head. One thing became clear and obvious─just like before, he would never be able to love Natalie just as he loved Sherry.
Eyal got up to her painting room. There was also no souvenir left. He sat on the high chair where she used to sit while painting, recalling her hands that were dirty with paints. He smiled sadly as he recalled his palms, the first painting that he saw on the roof in Tel Aviv. His memories made a journey across time and arrived to the day when she tried to break up with him, after their trip to Eilat. He didn’t agree to break up with her. He loved her and wanted her. Even if she would tell him that she was pregnant with someone else, he would still love her. He glanced at the clock. He remembered that he promised Shahar to take her from the kindergarten. Eyal decided that he could not avoid it anymore.
When he arrived at the kindergarten, Shahar was not waiting at the gate, and he had to go inside. The teacher was waiting for him, a little bothered while Shahar was sitting on the chair with a humiliated look.
“Shahar, what happened?” He knelt down and stroked her hair.
She did not answer, but all the joy that was in her face was gone.
The teacher asked him to come aside with her. “I’m sorry, it was my fault. Today, I saw that your daughter was a little upset, and I thought that the reason was Sherry’s departure to America, as you told me. I went over and tried to speak to her gently about it and encourage her. Suddenly, she snapped at me and told me that her mother never left her and that she would return. She wet her panties. I’m sorry, I was sure that you already talked to her about it.”
Eyal did not respond to the teacher. He noticed that since Sherry was gone, Shahar acted as if her mother would come back. But, he could not explain the situation to Shahar. This was above his mental abilities. He was attacked by feelings of guilt. “Come on Shahar, let’s go.”
“I am ashamed,” she said, as she looked at her father with a pleading look.
“They are all gone home, no one sees you,” he said exasperatedly, but Shahar kept staring at him indignantly. “Go get me some clothes.”
“Enough with the pampering, Shahar. In a minute, you will be in the car. There’s no reason that I should go and come back just because you want it.” Eyal’s voice was firm.
Shahar looked at him, withdrawn. “I don’t care.”
“I’ll wait here with her,” the teacher suggested. “She is having a hard time. You have to understand her.”
Eyal ignored the teacher and pulled Shahar’s hand gently, but she refused to get up. “Shahar, I’m not going to negotiate with you.”
Shahar shrugged.
“Okay, if this is what you want…” He picked her up while she screamed and was raging in his arms. She calmed down only after settling her in the car. He sat behind the steering wheel, looking at her in the rearview mirror. Her face was lowered down, expressionless. This girl didn’t seem to be his daughter anymore, the girl who always laughed. He turned off the engine, aware of the fact that once again, he lost his patience. That was how he behaved to everybody lately, but especially with Shahar. She never ceased to irritate him, and he scolded her for everything. Suddenly, the loveliest girl became the most disturbing child. As long as he spent with her several hours in a day, he could handle her, but to raise her alone after many hours of military operation was beyond his power. He knew that he was hard on himself in order to justify the difficult decision that he arrived into. Shahar would be better with her mother.
“Shahar, come here, I want to tell something to my lovely daughter. Come to daddy.”
She looked at him suspiciously. In the past, there was no way to forgive him and go to him, but now she was devastated and subdued. He put her on his lap, despite her wet panties. “I know that you miss Mommy. In two weeks, she will be here and I think you will be flying back with her to America. It’s better for you to live with her.”
Shahar’s face lit up. “I’ll fly with Mommy to America?” she asked happily. “And, won’t you miss me?”
He felt the lump in his throat. “I’ll never have to miss you because I will see you everyday on Skype, just like you do with Mommy. I’ll visit you a lot. I won’t get to miss you.”
She smiled happily. “Are you mad that I peed in my panties?”
He kissed her. “You pee because you miss Mommy, but now that you know that you’re going to live with her, it will be over.”
She hugged him tight.
“You’re choking me. Go sit in the back and put on your seatbelt.”
She jumped into the back seat, wrapped up with a new fervor caused by the news. He began to drive, looking through the rearview mirror every now and then, watching her renewed happiness.
When they reached the apartment that he rented, he went into his workroom near the living room where Ofek was sitting with his laptop. He heard Shahar explaining excitedly to Ofek that she would fly to her mother.
“Hey, your panties are wet. Go take a shower,” Ofek said in a disgustingly amused tone.
She laughed.
Ofek got up and went to Eyal’s room. “Is it true?” he asked.
“Yes, it’s best for her.”
“Why do you give up so easily? Do not be discouraged; we will make it. I’ll help you. You’re just not used to being a full-time father.”
Eyal looked at Ofek with pride, happy from the abundant support. “Leave it, this girl belongs to her mother. Sherry is crazy about her. I have no strength or ability to see the suffering I was causing both of them.”
“Maybe it’s not about their pain, maybe it’s your pain. Take a break to think. So many things happened to you lately, and you continue as if nothing is going on with you. Drop everything for two weeks. Go to Thailand, Turkey, or China. I don’t know, but think about your life. Maybe you will decide that divorce is not the right solution at all.”
“I’ll think about it,” Eyal said heavily, feeling as if he’d aged 10 years.
“About your mother’s exhibit, I think you should be there.”
Ofek looked at him quizzically.
“It is a very important moment for her, and I think you are a part of it.”
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sp; Ofek nodded in agreement. “And you?”
Eyal was silent.
“Maybe it’s a good opportunity for you to take a vacation?”
“Maybe.”
Ofek put a supportive hand on his father’s shoulder. “Do you want to tell the news to Shahar?” Ofek interrupted his words when he saw the pain in his father’s face. “Or, you want me to do it?”
“You can tell her.”
“You need this break, Dad. Think about it.”
Eyal nodded and Ofek left the room.
He went to Shahar. “What are you doing with my computer?”
“I want to tell Mommy that I am going to her.”
“Mommy is asleep at this hour. It is nighttime in Los Angeles.”
“But she will get up if she hears the Skype.”
“That’s right, but you can also call in another five hours; no need to disturb her sleep.”
“She said that I can always call her whenever I want, even when she is asleep. She said that she is always happy to hear from me. You’ll see that she would be happy to talk to me. She’s always happy when I’m talking to her.”
“When was the last time you talked to her?” Ofek clicked the log. “You’re crazy. You didn’t let her sleep all night. You called her eight times yesterday.”
Shahar laughed, and Ofek tickled her and complained how bad it was that her mother didn’t make a cute brother instead of a crying girl who wanted to be with her mother, leaving him alone to miss her. Shahar answered him. “Don’t worry, you won’t miss me. I’ll visit you, and I’ll see you everyday on Skype.”
“Shahar, we are going to visit our mother. You don’t need to wait for her to come and get you. We’re going to her exhibit.”
Shahar opened her big eyes. “Really? Yehey!!! Are you also coming?”
Ofek nodded.
“And Dad?”
“He is coming, too.”
“So, can I call her now even it’s late?” Shahar asked eagerly.
Eyal was leaning over a chair, hearing them all along to where he was seated. Then, he heard Sherry answer them enthusiastically, even though it was 4:00 in the morning in Los Angeles.
Eyal was unable to continue sitting. He stood up and went out from the room. He found himself standing in the living room, looking at Sherry’s face in the monitor. His wife was so much part of him, of his existence, of his life. He wanted her back. Did she still want him? The change that occurred in her completely enlivened his confidence. He passed over Ofek and Shahar, who didn’t take their eyes off their mother. He made himself a coffee in the kitchen. He leaned his back against the counter. Although, he didn’t promise Ofek to join them, he heard him updating Sherry about the details of the flights and asking her to book a room next to her room for him and his father. He was proud of this child.
39
Sherry happily hung up the phone. She was happy that Ofek found it necessary to be a part of the moments that were important to her, in moments that she fulfilled herself. Her exhibit was the story of her life, and her children had to be there. They are part of her life, her future. But, she was not sure that she understood Ofek. Did he say that Eyal was coming with him? Why would Eyal do that? When Ofek informed her about it, she was breathless and she wanted verification but she was afraid to be proven wrong. Just in case, she decided to rent the suite next to her suite. If Eyal came, he would stay there with Ofek. If Eyal didn’t come, the option is reasonable to her. Ofek would sleep in the other bedroom that was in her suite. She was not going to give up the opportunity to be close to him.
Their plane landed. Los Angeles, a city that seemed so cold to her then, smiled to her this time and opened its arms to her and her family. Shahar looked around with glee, looking for her mother. When she saw her mother, she ran towards her. Despite her weight, Sherry managed to lift her up into her arms. Then, she hugged Ofek.
“I’m happy that you’re here. I will do anything for you to be happy.”
She looked at Eyal with gratitude. They stood there, facing each other. A moment seemed like an eternity. They didn’t know how to behave. They were like strangers.
They arrived at the hotel and everybody entered into Sherry’s suite, relaxing a bit with refreshments and light food that Sherry ordered from the hotel service. Half an hour later, Shahar fell asleep. “I think I’m also going to get some sleep before the exhibit, said Ofek. “Dad, are you also coming?”
Eyal was about to leave the room.
“Eyal wait, I have something important to tell you.” Sherry stopped him.
Eyal sat back and Ofek left the room.
Sherry looked at Eyal for some time, searching for the right words to deliver her news.
"I have very big news to tell you."
Sherry noticed the way Eyal steadied himself on the chair. It was obvious to her that he was afraid of what she had to tell him.
“My sister’s children were born from donated sperm cells that she received in Germany. Amir has an Azoospermia.”
Eyal’s face darkened, “What’s this? How does it concern me?”
“It is a low sperm count.”
Eyal’s eyes was widened, he fixed his eyes to Sherry’s eyes. He was stunned. She kept talking, but he did not hear anything. He was just thinking that Ofek was his son after all. Immense happiness filled him.
Sherry knew that he needed a loving hug, but she was not sure if he'd want to get it from her. She realized that she would never stop loving him.
She went to get him some water. He took the glass from her hand and took a sip.
“So, he is our son?” he asked.
“Yes, our son,” she smiled, happy that he used a collaborative term.
Eyal sat silently for a while, withdrawn, and Sherry could see the depth of pain that her deception caused him. After a long silence, he got up and walked towards the door. He stood for a while, then said softly, “See you in the evening. Good luck.” He closed the door behind him. Sherry looked towards the closed door. Although Eyal didn’t say much, she knew what he felt.
The big moment came. She entered the shower, letting the hot water wash her hair and body for several minutes, without the ability to focus her thoughts.
She came out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her body and dried her hair. She opened the closet and took out the dress that she bought especially for the occasion. She looked at the dress for a long time. She put it on along with her shoes, and looked at herself in the mirror. The dress complimented her body, shaded the thinness caused by the four kilograms that she lost since the separation. Her face was too thin, and her cheekbones that were usually rounded a bit became sharp.
Her cell phone rang and she looked at the screen to see if she recognized the call. For several days, her cell phone kept ringing. Some journalists tracked down her phone number and tried to talk to her. This time it was Hidan who informed her that he sent a driver to pick her up.
Sherry sat in the limousine with her family. Shahar sat at her side. Eyal and Ofek sat across from her. She looked at Eyal, who was talking with Ofek. Did he still love her? Eyal raised his head and caught Sherry’s eyes staring at him. Sherry looked deep into his eyes, searching for answers to her questions. She found there an ocean of love, his great longings for her, and her great longings for him.
They reached the gallery, and Sherry was surprised to find out that it was full of people who recognized her from the photos in the newspapers and came to shake her hand. She noticed Hidan coming towards her. He took her arms and led her with him. “There are a lot of people that I want to introduce to you─two of them are old customers who expressed a great interest in your paintings. But first, I have a surprise for you.”
Hidan led her towards a tall and a dark-complexioned man who looked at Sherry with a wide smile. “I’m glad to finally meet you,” the man said.
Sherry recognized him, just like most movie fans. For years, she watched his pictures online and prayed to meet him, to meet the man who held i
n his house the painting of Esther in the lake.
“This is an actor, Kumar Baht.” Hidan introduced him to her.
“I know,” Sherry said quietly, and shook his hand. For a moment, she became an innocent girl who flew to Los Angeles for the first time and there, her dreams were shattered. “I’m glad that you’re here.”
“Your sister invited me a week ago. She came to me and asked to buy the painting from me. She explained your sentimental bond to the painting and her desire to give it to you as a gift. I agreed to return it to you in exchange for another painting of yours,” he smiled.
“Is the painting here?” she asked in a strangled voice. The tears of yearning for her sister were stored in it. Hidan nodded and pointed to a place where most of the visitors were centered.
Sherry went towards the painting like a sleepwalker. The guests asked to shake her hand, but she was detached from her surroundings. Would she be able to look at her sister, Esther? She stood in front of the painting for a long time, feeling the sadness that was wrapping her. Esther looked so sad in the painting. Sherry continued to stare at her until suddenly the shadow of sadness in Esther’s face vanished. In a moment, it was replaced by the appearance of a mischievous smile of her youth.
Slowly, a smile also appeared on Sherry’s lips. She looked away from the painting and turned quietly to the crowd around her. “The purpose of this exhibit is to tell my story. It begins and ends in this portrait of my sister, Esther. I painted it at the age of fifteen when we went from riches to rags, but continued to dream and believe. My sister, Esther, dreamed of becoming a famous actress in Hollywood, but she was not able to fulfill her dream when her life was cut short at the age of thirteen. Today, 28 years after her death, my dream succeeded in bringing her closest to her dream. She’s here with me, in the exhibit of my life.”
There was silence around. For Sherry, this was like a moment of silence in the memory of her sister.
She saw Eyal looking at her. He was taller than most people in the room. He approached her and took her into his arms to comfort her. She felt her body next to his broad body and his hand on her back transmitting electrical currents. She filled up her lungs with the smell of his body. She closed her eyes, enjoying the moment of getting rid of the heavy burden that accompanied her for 22 years.
Colors of the Shadow Page 30
