by J. L. Salter
“What?”
“Red-bunny. That’s my pneumatic for raisin bran.”
Mnemonic. But she didn’t correct him. “If you can remember red-bunny, surely you can remember raisin bran.”
“But the brain holds onto it better when you substitute something. Saw that on the Discovery Channel.”
She was surprised Jason’s quick surfing thumb had allowed him sufficient exposure to any one channel to absorb an entire segment of anything. “Okay, red-bunny. Bye.” Amanda waved without turning around.
Jason started out the door. Then he came back, walked around to the front of the couch, leaned way over, and kissed her lips lightly. “Be right back.”
Her lips were still slightly parted when the front door closed. “He kissed me goodbye.” Who is that guy?
While Jason was gone, Amanda logged on to her Facebook account to check recent posts and then read her newest e-mails. One each from Maria and Sunny, one from sister Kaye, two from Mom, one from King Louie, three from Christine, and a new one from Jason! She checked the time stamp. Why had Jason sent her an e-mail at 6:17 a.m.? At that point, she’d been still asleep on the couch less than eight feet from where he’d been typing.
The last e-mail she’d received from Jason was his break-up memo. Her fingers trembled slightly as she clicked open this new message.
.
Please disregard my previous transmission. It was intended for a different woman I used to know. I apologize for any inconvenience and assure you your account will be properly credited.
.
Amanda shook her head. Jason couldn’t write three sentences without defaulting to the schpiel he was required to say at his job. But she smiled. The sentiment of the first portion was lovely.
She wrote back:
.
I used to be a different woman, so maybe we met before, in passing. Since we’re both apparently transformed now, let’s see how these two new people get along.
P.S. Apology accepted.
.
She transmitted and then opened that same message in her sent mail folder. She left it up on the screen so Jason could see it as soon as he returned. On an afterthought, she went to the laptop’s tools menu and reset the screen display to ignore sleep. If it took that long for him to notice it, her message to Jason would stay on the screen until doomsday. Or until the laptop’s battery fritzed out.
* * * *
Jason was back from the grocery within thirty minutes.
He brought an eager smile and two plastic bags to the couch where Amanda sat watching another movie, on a different channel than her usual networks.
“Two bags?” She tried to peer inside, but he kept them closed. “You only went for one item.”
With great flourish, Jason produced four greenish bananas. “Potassium. For your leg cramps.”
“Uh, thank you.” Possibly no one had ever brought her green bananas before. “What else have you got in there?”
He pulled out his Frosted Mini-Wheats. “These have good, sweet taste out the wah-zoo.” Jason peered into one of his sacks and then put it behind him.
“What’s in that one?” She pointed toward the bag he’d moved.
“Uh, I remembered to get a few snacks for the game this afternoon.”
“For example.” Amanda rolled her eyes.
“Pretzels, nuts, chips, dip. You know, essentials.”
She sighed heavily. “Right, essentials. So, where’s my raisin bran?”
“Huh?” Jason briefly wondered if someone had switched the script.
“Raisin bran. You know, red-bunny — the actual reason you went to the grocery to begin with.”
“Oh, that’s what red-bunny was!” He chuckled. “I kept repeating red-bunny, but by the time I got to the grocery, I couldn’t remember what it stood for.”
“So, what’s in this bag you’re holding?” She reached for it. “Not a dyed rabbit, I hope.”
Jason tightened his grip on the sack. “Naw, they were out ’til Easter.” He paused briefly for the drama, and then reached into the bag and pulled out a flower.
———
Amanda gasped. “You brought me a rose?” Her eyes teared. “You’ve never gotten me a flower before.” It was not exactly a grandiose arrangement; simply a single blossom, just barely opening its petals. At the end of its stem was a tiny, slender plastic reservoir of water. “Why’d you bring me a flower?”
He looked sheepish. “When I forgot what red-bunny stood for, I tried to think of something else with the same initials. All I could come up with was rose-bud.”
She threw her arms around his neck and kissed his mouth. The sudden impact of her hug pushed Jason back on the couch. Two snack bags popped open with a loud simultaneous whoosh and his butt crushed most of his pretzels and chips. His nuts apparently sustained only minor jostling.
When he could finally catch his breath from their kisses, Jason apologized about forgetting her cereal.
Amanda drew back just enough for his face to be in focus. “Jason, you can forget my cereal any time if you’re bringing me flowers. That’s a standing ordinance.”
If Jason had expected a brief mini-lecture about the reasons for taking lists to the store, he was pleasantly surprised.
Amanda nearly itched to remind him why lists were important, but she didn’t want to ruin the moment. It was not every day a woman received a rose from the new Jason.
They both ate cereal for lunch while Jason watched a pre-season NFL game. Amanda tried his Frosted Mini-Wheats and actually liked them. They were sweet enough to fill her sugar quota for a full week, but that was okay. He’d brought her a flower!
“You want me to get a glass or something to put that in?” He started to get up.
“No, I’ll just hold it a while.” She leaned over and gave his cheek a sugary kiss. “It’s lovely, Jason.” She slowly twirled it a few times until one of the remaining thorns nicked her finger.
———
Jason pondered the complexities of the universe.
Who would have thought that noticing the pretty teenaged girl filling helium balloons at the front of the store would have led to his purchase of a flower for Amanda?
Who would have guessed Jason could forget what red-bunny actually represented?
Who could imagine that he’d manage to think up a pneumatic match for red-bunny in the flower/balloon department?
Not Jason… that’s for sure.
On very rare days, the Man-Gods sometimes smile on even the most bumbling of the earthly male specimens. For Jason, this had to be that day.
During the remainder of the afternoon, Jason snacked a lot and dozed a little. That evening, the Nashville Titans played in a different pre-season game. Amanda read her novel on the couch, but she napped in her bedroom because Jason’s crunchy snacks were too loud.
Chapter 27
Amanda hobbled back along the short hall on her crutches while Jason dozed during the second half of the Titans’ game. She heard scratching noises high on the front door and then the sound of a car driving away. Amanda checked again to be certain Jason was still snoozing and then opened the door. Smiling as she looked inside the small shopping bag, she took it to her bedroom and then returned to the living space.
With difficulty, Amanda maneuvered around the sprawled-out Jason and sat at her regular end of the couch. The jostling awakened Jason.
———
Yawning, Jason went to the kitchen during a beer commercial to refill his snack bowl with another handful of tiny chip fragments. They tasted almost the same as the intact chips, but Jason couldn’t dip the shards without getting salsa all over his fingers. It was unseemly to keep licking his fingertips and it made them too sticky to surf the channels properly during the game’s numerous commercials. He even tried skimming a forkful of fragments into the salsa, but it was a bit like trying to eat green peas with a butter knife. So he gave up on chip shards and focused on shoveling pretzel crumbs with a spoon. At least his nuts were int
act.
On one of those kitchen visits, his eye caught the laptop screen. Not wanting to appear overtly nosy, Jason glanced sideways as he passed, but couldn’t quite make it out. On the return trip, he paused and actually looked directly at it. Amanda didn’t seem to notice.
He read her apology-accepted message and smiled. Yes, this was the day the Man-Gods smiled down on Jason. He was now officially un-broken-up. A loud cheer from the stadium spectators caught his attention — the Titans had just scored! And, Jason thought to himself, he might also.
“Uh, thanks for the… e-mail.” He almost stammered. Normal protocol training didn’t exactly cover the method of thanking your girlfriend for sending an un-break-up e-mail in response to your e-mail apology (for sending a break-up e-mail). Check the index of any etiquette book. In the absence of any other conceivable action, Jason sat next to Amanda, lifted her hand, and kissed it.
———
Another first for Amanda — the new Jason kissed her hand! What next? If Jason kept evolving at this speed, he would probably even be able to remember to put the toilet seat down after completing his business. (If she ever decided to use the solvent which Christine had brought over Friday to remove the thoroughly bonded Super Glue.)
On Amanda’s part, she was not sure how to respond to the new Jason who’d just kissed her hand. That might happen two or three times during the entire lifespan of a typical female, unless she was involved in a theatre troupe. People in stage costumes do a lot of hand-kissing.
In the absence of any other conceivable action, Amanda hobbled down the hall on her crutches to use the bathroom, brush her teeth, and take a quick spit-bath.
———
Jason could hear the tooth-brushing sounds and figured that was an indicator of good things to come. He cupped his hands and exhaled heavily. Yikes! Tiny, broken pieces of chips and pretzels seemed to cause worse breath than the large, intact ones did. So Jason hustled into the hall bathroom and brushed his own teeth with the triple-striped toothpaste. While he had that familiar taste so near his mouth, he also consumed another inch, since he’d grown so attached to it during the recent unfortunate business.
Amanda made her way back to the living room and sat again on the couch.
Jason’s hands were sweaty and he couldn’t get his legs comfortable.
“Let’s say things are stabilized between us and we have good prospects of moving forward together.” Amanda’s introduction sounded awfully formal.
“Does that basically mean we’re making up?” Sounds promising.
“I suppose…” She paused so long, it seemed she might not complete that thought. “Although if you’re expecting this to… go anywhere, I should warn you I haven’t shaved my legs since last night.”
Jason gently lifted Amanda’s left leg and cradled it in the crook of his left arm. His right hand slowly and thoroughly inspected the skin surface from her toes, past her knee, and under the wide cuff of her cargo shorts. “You have the most beautiful legs I’ve ever seen, Amanda. Even with a few extra hours since your last shave.” Again, his hand slid under her cargo shorts. “Plus, your thighs are smooth as silk.” There was extra heat behind his grin.
———
Amanda, warmed by his touch and his words, wanted to feel more and hear more. “You seem to be an expert on lower anatomy. How versed are you on upper portions?” Amanda arched her back and thrust out her chest theatrically.
“I love those also.” There was a long pause as he refreshed his visual recollection of her bosom and, with his forefinger, outlined a figure eight on her tightened tee-shirt. Jason looked deeply into her eyes. “And I love you, Amanda.”
She straightened her upper body. “Despite the awful way I acted?” Amanda tended to poke bruises better left alone.
“Love is stronger than the cold virus.”
It didn’t sound like Jason, so he’d probably heard it from somebody. Still, he’d remembered it… and at the right time. “Aw, Jason. You’re so much deeper than I ever suspected.”
Jason shrugged and grinned.
“Hey, I’ve got a surprise for you.” She smiled slyly.
“No bizarre treatments from Christine’s witchcraft scrolls.”
Amanda chuckled. “Nothing to do with Christine whatsoever. This involves Victoria.”
“Who?”
“I’ve got a secret from Victoria. It was kind of your mom’s idea.”
———
Those two images in Jason’s brain, at the same time, were so conflicting that he couldn’t think of any words. But he needn’t bother — he figured he was about to get lucky. Finally.
“It could be a tad awkward with crutches and this boot, but I’m willing… if you feel up to it, that is.”
“Oh, I’m up to it, all right.” Whatever it is.
She kissed his mouth and certainly tasted the striped toothpaste still on his tongue. “Okay, wait here for a minute and I’ll go try it on.” She steadied herself by gripping his upper thigh and rose from the couch.
Jason’s thigh still tingled from the touch of her hand as Amanda, on crutches, moved toward her bedroom. He couldn’t sit still but didn’t know what else to do. Jason also suddenly realized he was hungry, but that would have to wait. Don’t live by bread alone.
Amanda was gone for much more than one minute and Jason figured the boot was getting in her way of… whatever. That gave him time to consider some of the delectable fashions he’d seen in the spicy catalog before Christine had whisked it away. Lots of possibilities and most had very skimpy portions of lace, nylon, or silk. In fact, all the fashions in Victoria’s catalog left hardly anything secret.
Her bedroom door opened and Amanda’s crutches made their unique thump and creak noises down the short hallway.
Jason rose when she entered.
Amanda wore a white cap and a very tight white minidress, open partway down the front. There was a red cross on her lapel and a plastic stethoscope around her neck. A nurse! A white fishnet stocking encased her left leg and two empty garter straps grazed her right thigh.
If Jason’s brain-mouth connection had been working, he might have said something clever and in character, like, Oh, Nurse, thank goodness you’ve finally arrived. I thought I was a goner. But all he could manage was, “Wow…” Among all the other visual stimuli, the empty garter straps fascinated him.
“I didn’t even try to pull the other stocking over my boot.” When she shrugged, the unbuttoned part of her dress revealed considerable curving flesh and her hem rose above the top of the single stocking.
Jason hadn’t even touched her yet. He was fundamentally a visual learner. Tactile would soon follow. “You look gorgeous, with one stocking or none, Nurse… uh, what’s your name?” He was finally able to get into character.
“Call me anything but Missy.” Then she leaned over and whispered into his ear. “I wouldn’t normally put on a get-up like this… except, after all I put you through, I decided to go all out. This once.”
Jason didn’t hear words. He went crazy when she whispered in his ear.
———
After a total of about forty minutes since Nurse Nancy arrived, the patient achieved a miraculous recovery. Both were briefly giddy.
Amanda finally removed her nurse cap, which was all she had on by that point, except her blue canvas boot. Jason wore nothing but socks and a very satisfied, sleepy smile.
The beach towel Jason had used to cover her that morning was over the back of the nearby chair. Amanda spread out the towel on the couch and lay down with her right leg on the hassock.
He found a very narrow spot next to her left side, laid his head gently on her chest, and listened to her heartbeat.
Amanda’s heart continued to beat rapidly for another ten minutes or more.
Jason kissed her mouth softy. “That costume didn’t come from Victoria. I’ve got her catalog memorized and that’s not one of her secrets. So, where’d you get it?”
Amanda gr
inned. “You know that party supply store down past the chicken place?”
He nodded.
“Last week I saw they had their Halloween stuff out way early. I called Christine last night and asked her to swing by today and pick this up.”
“Today? I didn’t see her.”
“You were snoozing during one of the games.” She poked his ribs. “Your team was losing.”
Jason lifted his head slightly. “Oooh. Do you suppose they have any witch costumes?”
She pulled her hand away from his chest and gently whapped his lower belly. “I thought you were scared of witches.”
“Only scared of evil witches, not good ones.” His hand roamed tenderly. “And I’ve got a feeling you’d be a very good witch.”
Delicious sensations resulted from his touch. “I’m not saying I’m ever going to wear any more silly costumes for you.” She paused as she searched his eyes. “But if I ever did do the witch thing, I’m sure I’d be… wicked.”
Then Amanda smiled and kissed the new Jason again.
-30-
Author’s Note
It’s long been an accepted part of American female lore that men allegedly handle illness quite unlike women — so differently, in fact, that (at some point) scientists isolated the cold virus itself… and men now contract their own species of that ailment.
My first exposure (pardon the pun) to this anomaly was seeing a male actor’s portrayal of a minor cold in a scene near the end of a 1970 movie*. I asked myself, “Do some women really view men’s illnesses that way?” When the affirmative answer came back, I asked, “Do some men really act that way when they’re sick?” Over the years since, I’ve seen or read several little scenes in which similar views were expressed.
I’ve always loved screwball comedies — whether on film or in novels — but that was not what I set out to write in this case. Originally, I’d intended to have the alpha male character in my Somerset Series suffer from a man-cold for part of a novel… and the heroine would have to put up with his whining and exaggerating.
But as I began writing the dialog in one of those scenes, I realized the topic was much too important to be merely an additional plot thread. The infamous man-cold needed its own novel!
