“Abner?” Gabby said glancing upward at him. “I’ll need your help.”
“I am prepared to follow your bidding, Doctor Perez,” the golem rumbled. It sort of seemed strange to ask him though. It sure seemed like he wanted to escape.
“Remember the spell I used to stop all those bullets in the Pendleton Building?” Gabriela started to weave her fingers and work her mojo.
“Sure.” It was hard not to remember. We were in the midst of trying to rescue Max the first time and a bunch of Enders were in the process of filling us with lead. One word of Latin from Gabby and every bullet in the air, a whole lot of them, just stopped and fell flat.
“It’s a very strong, very brief, very smart, and very selective protective ward. I’ve also got one last normal force dome ready.” She had to pause to catch her breath. The air was getting thin and I could already feel fatigue settling over me. If we didn’t break free soon, we wouldn’t be around much longer.. “So I’m going to push that force shield out like a dome over us. It’s going to break really fast but–”
“It’ll shove the rocks off of us for a moment, and then you’ll use that big badda-boom to hold that stuff from falling on us … for a few seconds anyway,” I finished for her.
“Exactly, and hopefully … very hopefully … we can either get clear or Abner can do something else to save us.” We both took a big huff of air, and it came out frosty. “What you need to do, Frank, is get ready to pull me along and run. I’m going to be throwing two powerful spells back to back and Abner is going to have to shove along with the dome.”
“So you’ll both be busy. I got it. I’m a magic expert now.” Oh yeah, we were royally fucked, but I was a big fan of going out with a bang. Throwing up a ton of crap into the air for a few moments to have it come back down and kill us would make a real big bang, all right. I squirmed painfully into as good of a position to push off of as possible. “I’m as ready as I can be.”
Abner’s statue-like form didn’t move, but he echoed, “I am ready as well.”
Gabriela nodded slowly and began to whisper in Latin. Her fingers worked feverishly and golden light twisted through her fingers. I tensed every muscle, ready to spring, and damn did that hurt. Okay, I might not have been as hurt as I originally thought I’d been, but I was still pretty messed up.
I didn’t know Latin, but I was getting awfully familiar with Gabriela’s favorite spells. Right when she hit what I knew was the end of her incantation, I pushed off with a grip on Doc’s sleeve. The translucent gold dome exploded outward and slammed into the rubble. The rocks shifted from the force as Abner threw his own Claymation power behind it. For the first time in what felt like forever, I got a view of sunlight, well, starlight? Structured light? Whatever.
Abner had been right. We had only been covered with a fairly thin layer of stones and wood. The two powerful forces sent the rubble flying into the air, but it sure as hell wasn’t going to stay that way. After all, what goes up, pretty much always comes down. Especially when Murphy and his law were around, and there was almost no chance they weren’t around for this particular situation.
Adrenaline pumped in my veins as I concentrated on getting us the hell out of Dodge. While the shit above us was flung straight up, the crap ahead of us was shoved ahead at various angles that formed a really awkward, really jagged staircase to the top of the pile of junk formerly known as a castle.
Oh, did I forget to mention the fucking cold got fucking colder? The stolen robes I had were thicker than my usual delivery boy uniform, but they were nearly as worthless in the bitter air of Structure. I tried to ignore all the imminent death about to fall on top of us and the sure-fire frostbite ahead and beat feet.
Each step I took while pulling Gabby along felt like it took forever and the relative safety at the top of the heap seemed tauntingly out of reach.
A second later, the dome shattered under the weight of the rocks in a burst of golden light, but before the stones could fall even an inch, the doc shouted out behind me.
Her voice was somehow still as strong and steady as ever. “PROHIBERE!”
A tremendous vibration echoed out from that shout, and a singular pulse of energy washed over me as it burst outward. The smallest of the stones slumped to the ground, a few bouncing off of us as softly as fresh snow. The rest wavered aloft, suspended by individual golden discs of light.
That was about all Gabriela had to give. She didn’t pass out, but she went from being able to almost keep pace with me to being a drag on my run. I growled deep in my throat and slung my arm around her waist. We were so very close but so very far. I dug down and pumped my legs with every ounce of strength I had left. Abner’s heavy footfalls slammed behind us as we rushed to the top of the “stairs.”
Sweat beaded up, burning against my ice-cold skin. My booted feet slammed down on stones and pushed off the next slippery, frost-covered rock. Even as weak as she had to be, the doc never stopped trying. Even so, that last big spell was as fleeting as it had been when we’d run from the Enders. One by one, the golden discs blipped out of existence and the big boy rocks, the ones that would crush the roof of a car, came a-tumbling back down.
As I juked right, a slab the size of a car hood slammed down right in our path and almost threw me off my feet. Gabby had the presence of mind to find her footing, pushing us both back upright. We barely avoided a splintered beam falling straight down like the sword of Damocles. Between its shitty condition and the sudden fall, the abused wood shattered into shards that caught in our clothes, adding more scratches and cuts to our wound collection.
Thankfully, we were almost to the top. It was only another step or two before we could get past being smashed and move on to the freezing and the crystal-doom-winds. Hurrah!
As we raced those last few inches against the hunks of rock hurtling down to smash our heads, I tightened my grip on Gabby and pushed off the stones with all the strength my legs could muster. It would have been a classic Action Hero Leap to safety.
Of course, that sort of thing only really works in the movies. This sure as hell wasn’t Die Hard. In the surprising clarity of thought that only comes when you realize you’re not actually in a movie, I was sure we were going to be too slow and too short. That last thought was going to get splattered out of our heads.
Or at least it would have if not for Abner. I had to give the crazy golem props. A big red backhand slapped the boulder above our heads at the last second, sending it spiraling away into the ruins of Castle Asshole. Our leap of faith ended with Gabriela and I falling flat on our chests, sprawled out on the icy rubble.
We were free, but the numbness that started in my face and hands swiftly raced through my limbs. We had jumped from the refrigerator into the deep freezer.
Have you ever locked yourself in a meat locker? Hell, have you ever just worked in a place where you had to spend time in one? Well, I have, and it sucks. That was child’s play compared to what we were in the middle of. I’d never felt colder. My trip to Alaska in winter? A slight breeze. That time Bobby dared me to do the Polar Bear thing into an iced-over lake? A minor chill. No, this was the big freeze, the icy tomb. This was "freezing to death while hanging onto Rose’s hand while the Titanic sank behind us" levels of cold.
That cold sank so hard and so fast into my body I couldn’t find the desire to get back up. Gabby and I shivered violently, clutched to each other in a last desperate bid to stay warm. Abner had fallen to his knees, praying in Hebrew.
As the numbing cold made me its bitch, I hoped Abner would put in a good word for me with the Big Guy because I was sure He and I were going to have a meet up real soon.
7
It was a glorious summer’s morning and by damn I was going to sleep in. They say summer lasts forever when you’re a teenager, but Mom wasn’t one to have my brother and I lie about all day. I swore in my half-sleep I damned well deserved this sleep-in and even Betty Butcher, the orneriest mother in all of Queens, couldn’t keep me from it.
I rolled over, tangled in blankets a lot softer than I remembered and pushed Mom’s hands away for what had to be the fifth time.
“Frank, come on!” Boy, Mom sounded better this morning, not at all like her chain smoking, gravelly self. “Please wake up.” Her hands were also a hell of a lot softer and was that a hint of an accent there?
Everything crashed back in alongside the sharp jab of pain from my ribs as I finished my flop. I started awake, which didn’t do my rib cage any favors. Of course, that’s when I noticed I wasn’t wrapped up in blankets like I thought I’d been.
No, that would have been nice and you should know by now Frank Butcher doesn’t get nice things, at least not for very long. I was in some kind of cavity filled with some … stuff. It was hard to put a finger on it (literally and figuratively). It was kind of like warm Crazy Slime, but it didn’t smell bad, giving off a faintly cinnamon aroma, or leave behind an icky residue. Frankly, other than the general factor of being fucking freaky to wake up in, it was actually really pleasant.
Unfortunately, everything else was totally whack (kids still say “whack,” don’t they?). I, well, we were in some kind of chamber made of the diamond stuff common to Structure. The chamber wasn’t huge, and sort of reminded me of a very precisely measured lozenge. I doubted I could stand up to my full height, but it would be close. Either way, it was a hell of a lot better than being stuck under Abner.
A soft, steady pure white glow emanated from the crystal itself, letting me see I was not alone, which sort of made sense.
Now that I was awake, it was stupidly obvious it had been Gabriela trying to prod me awake. Other than a faint scar on her cheek and the tears in her outfit, she looked to be in better shape than she had been when I brought the castle down. Guess that is one of the big advantages to being a mystical healer, ya know?
As for Abner, the big clay pile was sitting Indian-style at one end of the chamber, stooped over like he’d passed out after having one too many tequila shots. Unlike Gabby, he still bore the wounds caused by our escape, but it wasn’t like he was bleeding or anything.
No, his wounds reminded me of cracks in a statue, which was appropriate because Clayface was being super statue-like. That was pretty odd, but it was amped to super odd by the fact his hands were buried up to the wrists in two pots of goo melded into the floor.
I tried to calm my breathing, which wasn’t as easy as it sounds. My cozy slime cushion didn’t make for the most stable surface, constantly trying to conform and adjust for my movements, and that instability didn’t lend to a Zen-like state of mind.
Gabby moved off her knees to sit on the edge of her cavity and reached out, steadying my frantic wobble with both hands.
“Okay, okay,” I said, more to convince myself everything was okay than anything else. “Where the fuck are we and what the fuck am I sitting in?” As if in response to being acknowledged, the goo pulsed with a life of its own. To its credit, it might have been a comforting pulse. I’m no great slime whisperer, though.
“Calm down,” Gabriela soothed. “We’re as safe as we possibly can be in Structured.”
“Fan-freaking-tastic, Doc, but where precisely is that?” At least I had some clothes on, but let me tell you, that slime got everywhere, EVERYWHERE … but it did feel sort of nice.
She took her time before answering. When she spoke it was obvious she was trying to keep her voice nice and calm. I don’t know why, but that was almost more disturbing. “Well, I don’t know how Abner got us in here, but the ‘here’ is inside a diammal. You know, the diamond–”
“Yeah, yeah, I remember what they are!” Yeah, I felt justified in shouting because it was a stupid idea. “When you said we needed to go to the stables, I thought we’d be getting horses, mules, or camels. Hell, I’d have been happy with fucking cows. But sitting in a diamond monster? That’s not riding!”
Gabby winced at the reverberating noise, but Abner didn’t even stir. “Well, in a sense we are riding it, just from a peculiar position.”
That’s when it finally clicked. If we were inside one of these crystal critters, then the goopy shit I was in (as comfortable as it was) was part of the thing. Ugh. “And what position is that exactly? What exact, precise part of this freaky thing am I currently sitting in?”
Her brow wrinkled, and she glanced to the side. “Well, it really isn’t that important. When non-natives travel with diammals, they use those for getting warm and for sleeping. It’s a perfectly–”
I pointed a finger at her as I slowly bobbed in diammal goop. “No! You tell me exactly where the hell I’m sitting right now! I deserve to know what kind of animal fluids I’m marinating my junk in.”
The doc let out a huff and turned to look me dead on. “There’s not quite an equivalent organ in Earth animals, but the closest match would be the gall bladder. We are basically travelling in the diammal’s stomach. Are you happy now?”
I took in a deep breath to summon my strength and get my happy ass the fuck out of the gall bladder juice or whatever the shit it was. It wasn’t that easy. I think I might have offended the thing by my sudden desire for egress or my cry of distress.
Say what you want about me, but I think that’s still a pretty calm reaction to realizing you were stewing in strange alien bile. The goo burbled unsteadily under my legs, and I wound up grabbing Gabriela in one hand and the lip of the crevasse in the other.
Gabby let out a cry of surprise, but managed to brace herself. With one final heave, I pulled myself free with a disgusting, slurping sound. With the suction of the gall goop gone, my pull turned into a vault, throwing me into the doc and off the lip. We tumbled onto the rock (excuse me, diamond) hard stomach floor. We both hit hard in a tangle of bodies and limbs.
Gabriela groaned. “That really was uncalled for.” We both started to sit up, Gabby with her usual grace and me clutching my sides. I wasn’t sure if I’d broken ribs, but it sure felt like I had. “Especially with your injuries! It’s a lot more comfortable in the bladder than out here.”
I bit down on my own groan, though I was really wishing I wasn’t immune to magic right then. “That’s easy for you to say! You weren’t sitting in extra-dimensional monster goop!” My right side screamed in agony as I tried to stand up. “Though you might still have a point there. Damn, I must’ve busted something up really good this time.”
The annoyance was gone from her voice as she stood up. “I’ve already checked you out. You might feel like a three-day-old sack of garbage left in the sun too long, but you aren’t actually hurt very badly, all things considered.” She offered me a hand up, which I gladly took. I’m secure in my masculinity after all! “Strained muscles and a few cracked ribs mainly.”
It still hurt to get up. It was strange because the familiar, rather human feeling of a little achy breaky around my heart was kind of comforting when I considered all the weirdness around. I couldn’t stand all the way up, because our cavern wasn’t that tall, so I had to content myself with sitting on the lip of the cavity.
“Seems like I should have been hurt a lot worse. I mean, I pulled down a castle, didn’t I?” I rubbed my face and licked my lips, brushing off flaking bits of dried golden blood that was more like glitter. Man, I was going to be a hit at slumber parties.
“I wish I could take credit for that, but la Corazon is responsible.” Gabby sat next to me, a hand on my shoulder. At least that part of my body wasn’t sore. “I told you way back at the start of this that the heart tries to protect its host, but I never really understood how well it did until after you stopped the Enders.”
“Well, educate me then, and also fill me in on why the hell we’re riding in a crystal monster’s stomach.” It was one of those things I should probably have just accepted, but damn my curiosity. Besides, it might turn out to be important later.
She nodded as Abner continued to remain completely oblivious to our very existence. It didn’t seem to bother Gabriela, so I paid it no mind. Besides, it wasn’t like I didn’t
have enough freaky shit to noodle over.
“To start with, that golden blood of yours has some rather amazing properties. Put simply and in practical terms, it clots with amazing speed, has drastic antitoxin and antibacterial properties, and the clots it makes actively promote the production of new cells to heal cuts and abrasions faster than normal.” She paused and chewed on her lip as she stared off into space. It reminded me of the smart girl in class trying to remember her notes. “I don’t know if this is because of the blood’s properties alone, but I doubt it. There’s something more elemental at work.”
“So essentially I’m a bargain-budget Wolverine now?” That sounded cooler than how I felt. They never really go into the “horrific pain” aspect of that in the movies or comic books. I mean, Deadpool cut off his hand, and he had acted like it was nothing. That shit would hurt like a son of a bitch.
“I wouldn’t go that far.” Thank God, Gabby always managed to catch on to my references. “Your body can’t heal anything it couldn’t already, and while it does it far swifter than a normal person, it’s not like you’ll regenerate a bullet wound in the middle of a fight.” She squeezed my shoulder which made me feel ten bucks better immediately. “So don’t do anything stupid, thinking the heart will make it all better, but be ready to praise it when you break your arm and it heals in days rather than weeks or months.”
I nodded. “Sound advice as always.” I gestured around the, er, stomach. “So what about this? Last thing I saw about riding around in the stomach of a giant creature was in Pinocchio and that didn’t turn out well.”
Gabriela smiled as her voice dropped into that academic tone she so loved. “That’s really a fascinating subject, Frank. As you already know, the diammals are natives to Structure. In fact, they are the only native species here, a side-effect from how ordered this entire dimension is.”
Feet of Clay: An Urban Fantasy Novel (Clans of Shadow Book 2) Page 5
