Red Dress

by Bridget Finklaire

  Frantically searching for her phone, she realized she’d left it on the hall table. Damn.

  “Just need to text Shanti. Promised I’d get back to her.”

  “Hurry up then!” Richard hung around outside, his hands in his pockets, jiggling his change as he cast a critical eye over the neighbors’ houses. Katy’s fingers scrambled over the buttons on her phone.

  Change of plan! Richard with me! Will text when I’m free. xxx

  She had to walk twice as fast to keep up with Richard’s long stride.

  “I’ve been thinking about the yacht, and I’ve had a better idea. I’ll invest the money a bit longer, and if I play my cards right, we could buy a second home in the country. Property’s always a good bet. What do you think?”

  She thought she’d had enough of his one-track mind. When would he feel like he had enough? They were already better off than most, and they didn’t need a second home! Besides, she’d rather spend the time travelling. Why go to the same spot when there were thousands of beautiful places in Europe alone! No point telling him that, though. He never listened. “Okay,” she said. “We could do it up and rent it out.” If she’d told him what she really thought, he’d take it as criticism and that would only lead to an argument.

  “Not a bad idea! Would add to the value, and we’d get some passive income at the same time!”

  Richard’s phone rang and shielding his mouth with his hand, he garbled, “Not now. I’ll call you in ten.”

  “Who was that?”

  “Journalist looking for a comment.”

  “I don’t mind if you want to talk to them?”

  “I’ll head home and ring him on the way back. Leave you here to enjoy the dog shit and the litter!”

  “It sounded like a woman to me?”

  “It was. She wanted me to speak to her editor.” Richard’s eyelid twitched. He walked a bit further, moaned about a gang of kids on their skateboards, then stopped. “I’m off! See you when you get back.” Giving her a quick peck, he turned, retracing his steps, pulling his mobile from his pocket as he approached the road.

  Katy carried on walking until she found a quiet park bench. With shaking hands, she typed out her message:

  Are you free now? xxx

  A few seconds later, her phone rang. The conversation was easy. A smile lit up her face, and as she talked, the butterflies stopped beating inside. “I can’t eat anything.”

  “Me neither!”

  “What did you tell Lauren?” “The truth. That I was out with a friend from school and we lost track of time.”

  “That’s what I told Rich.”

  “You know you said we should see how we felt when we’d sobered up?”

  “Yes?”

  “Well, I feel the same. I love you, and I want to be with you.”

  “I want to do this properly. I need to check we’re doing the right thing. A lot of people could get hurt.”

  “I know, but—”

  “Can we take it one step at a time?”

  “Of course we can.”

  “Promise?”

  “Promise.”

  “And no hanky-panky till we know what we’re doing.”

  Tony laughed. “I haven’t heard hanky-panky since my Gran died!”

  “Where are you?”

  “Out in the Oxfordshire countryside! Went for a long bike ride. Where are you?”

  “Chiswick Common.”

  “What about our rendezvous tomorrow?”

  “Can you get into town by nine-thirty?”

  “Yep. I’ve arranged a meeting at Whitehall in the afternoon, but the morning is reserved just for you!”

  “Aww.” She could feel her face reddening.

  “See you at Paddington?”

  “Umm.” Katy was mentally working out tube stations, train lines and proximity. “I’ll meet you outside the statue of Eros on Piccadilly Circus. It’s not far from Whitehall or Harley Street.”

  “Righty-ho! Can’t wait to see you, Gorgeous!”

  “Me too. Hope I can manage the pressure till then!”

  “You will. Look after yourself. When you’re with me, you’ll be able to eat!”

  “Can we have brunch somewhere?”

  “I know the perfect place to take you.”

  “Where?”

  “You’ll find out. See you tomorrow. Eros, o-nine-thirty hours. Love you.”

  “Love you too.” Fudge! What was she thinking? What made her say that?

  After two laps around Chiswick Common, the butterflies still hadn’t subsided. She may as well head home. A surfeit of energy was pumping through her, scattering her thoughts and sending her off-balance. Like a dog chasing its own tail, she wasted the rest of the day on pointless activity like sorting through her knicker drawer, cleaning the hinges on the toilet seats, and polishing the skirting on all three flights of stairs. She should have done yoga instead. Her adrenaline was off the scale.

  Later that evening, she dug out her Spiritual Response Therapy notes and read up on Twin Flames, Flames Mates and Soul Mates. The SRT manual didn’t say much, but a picture was forming in her mind, and she wanted to share it with someone. Perhaps Ben and Tara? Taking out her pendulum and chart, she asked, “What is the soul relationship between myself and Tony Verde?” The pendulum swung on its chain. Clamping her hand over her mouth she tried to stifle the gasp before anyone heard. She’d better check, just to be certain. Using his full name, Anthony Richard Verde, she tried again. Oh my God, it couldn’t be! It must be wrong. She couldn’t dowse that sort of thing for herself and expect it to be accurate, could she? After messaging Jane Joyheart, she bundled everything into the drawer and locked it away.

  At eleven o’clock Richard announced he was off to bed. Freddie, who was not quite over his illness, had gone to sleep early, and Tilly was in her room. “Lights off soon! School tomorrow!” called Katy.

  Meditation was going to be a challenge, but it was the ‘sitting’ that was important, she reminded herself. Passing the mirror at the top of the stairs, she sensed something.

  “Good evening, Katy!”

  “Oh, it’s you. I called for you last night!”

  “You needed to work it out for yourself.”

  “Why?”

  “Sometimes that’s the only way to learn. By experience.”

  “And what are you going to make me experience now?”

  “Actually, I was going to talk to you about the heart.”

  “Can I sit in my room?”

  “I’ll follow you in.”

  Katy sat on the meditation stool, back straight, hands in mudra. “I’m ready.”

  “The heart is the core of your being, not just the organ that pumps the lifeblood around you, but a center of intelligence and the center of love. Did you know that it generates the strongest electromagnetic field in the body?”

  “Stronger than the brain?”

  “Yes. And its field is a sensitive transmitter and receiver, with a feedback loop to your True Self.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “We discussed the logical mind before, how it can be fooled, how its perceptions are based on past experience.”

  “Yes...”

  “What you call ‘mind’ doesn’t just reside in the brain. Think of the brain as something that processes thought, rather than generating it. It’s like a terminal on a network. That’s how you can ‘hear’ my thoughts right now! Your brain is receiving and processing!”

  “Okay. Makes sense.”

  “But there are neural networks throughout the entire body as well, principally in the heart and the gut.”

  “Hence gut instinct and follow your heart?”

  “That’s it. Did you know that your heart can guide you through the power of love if you let it?”

  “Or guide you into trouble if you don’t think things through!”

  “That’s why you need to balance the rational with the intuitive, the masculine with the feminine. The heart must not ru
le the head and vice versa.”

  “Easier said than done!”

  “If you ask your heart, it will give a true answer, providing the logical mind doesn’t immediately hijack it by over-thinking! If you sit quietly and turn within, you’ll hear what your heart is telling you, or you’ll feel it. The heart chakra opens wide like a flower in bloom when it’s happy, and closes like a tight bud when it’s not. That alone can guide you to what’s true.”

  “How do you know it’s right?”

  “The heart of the matter. The center. What remains under the layers of personality, conditioning, identity and anything else that you present as a mask to the outside world.”

  “Oh, like the heart of a lettuce? That sort of heart?”

  “That’s right. It’s untouched by the outer leaves. But the heart is also the seat of love.”

  “What’s love got to do with truth?”

  “Love is a guiding force towards truth. The heart reveals what is, the rational mind misleads and questions, and the ego wants approval, and does whatever it takes to get it.”

  “But we need an ego, don’t we?”

  “Quite so, but it shouldn’t be in the driving seat.”

  “Who should be driving then?”

  “Your True Self, or Divine Self.”

  Katy looked puzzled. “Is that the same as your deeper Self or your bigger Self or Greater Self?”

  “All words to describe a concept that’s beyond the limits of your language.”

  “I experience myself as me. How do I know there’s another, greater Self?”

  “Have you ever watched yourself meditating, as if you were behind and above?”

  “Yes, I have!”

  “Who is noticing and who is sitting?”

  “Me?”

  “Your bigger Self is watching your smaller self.”

  “So, the smaller self is your ego – the ‘you’ that you’re familiar with?”

  “Yes. The one you identify with.”

  “And the Greater Self is your True Self or your deeper Self?”

  “Or Divine Self, yes!”

  “Sounds flipping confusing to me!”

  “It’s all one Self, with a capital S, but in any case, both selves, small and Great, are connected and designed to work in harmony. They’re different aspects of you. Different aspects of consciousness.” The Voice could see that Katy was confused. “Think of it this way, your Greater Self has a higher vantage point. It can see past, present, and future potential. Imagine it sitting above the maze, in which your smaller self is playing out its life.”

  “Like one of those whizz-kids playing an avatar computer game? It’s the kid that guides the avatar through the different levels. He can’t physically go inside the computer, so he relies on his alter-ego. The avatar itself doesn’t exist without the kid... So, they need each other?”

  “Not a bad analogy!”

  “Thanks!”

  The Voice paused for a moment to let Katy receive the compliment.

  “Let’s go back to the heart and to love because that’s a portal to your True Self.”

  “Is your True Self also your soul?” Katy was trying to make sense of this complicated subject.

  “There are subtle differences, and there are levels of soul, too, and then there’s your spirit, but we’re drifting off track. Let’s stick with ‘True Self’ for now.”

  “Okay. True Self.”

  “The brain might see the logic of love, but only the heart can experience and know it.”

  Katy’s palms were sweating now. “Why are we talking about love?” Her eyes were darting from side-to-side, her breathing shallow. Did the Voice know about Tony? It must do, it knew everything. There was an awkward pause while she remembered it could read all her thoughts.

  The loving Voice seemed to deliberately gloss over her private asides, perhaps to save embarrassment. It carried on. “Love isn’t simply romantic love or the love you have for your children or the love you have for your pet. It’s not just the things you love, either, like chocolate, your favorite song, or the latest fashion collection. Love is all of that, and so much more. It’s the essence of Creation! The most important force in the Cosmos! Have you not heard it before? Faith, hope and love, and the greatest of these is Love!”

  “Is that in the Bible? They read it at weddings, don’t they?”

  The Voice chuckled. “Quite so.”

  “So, love’s important? Being loving, loving everything, receiving love?”

  “Love conquers all, heals all, endures all. It’s the one unifying force that builds bridges between everyone and expands awareness. Love yourself. Love one another. It’s Love that illuminates with its Light, revealing truth, bringing joy, peace, harmony, bliss.”

  “Wow! Love makes the world go round.”

  “That’s another one! Yes!”

  “And it’s the heart that feels it?”

  “And experiences it, knows it, transmits, receives and connects to it, acts as the portal to it.”

  “Blimey! Why don’t we know this stuff? ”

  “The Ancients did, but the Wisdom is largely ignored nowadays.”

  Katy was struggling to process all this, but at least it was taking her mind off Tony.

  “Your True Self,” continued the Voice, “is guiding you through the medium of your heart, and the awareness of your intuitive mind, towards the things you love.”

  “Is it telling me what to do?”

  “Good Lord, no! You have free will. It’s showing you, if you wish to follow, your Higher Purpose, your Bliss, that which your soul is seeking! There’s a bigger picture, you see?”

  “Why so many words for the same thing?”

  “Language is limited, and the concepts are limitless.”

  “What’s our Higher Purpose?”

  “Now that’s a complicated question with many levels of response!”

  “What’s my Purpose, then?”

  “Your Purpose, like everyone else’s, is to be Love in action. It’s your passion expressed through your inherent skills and talents, in your own distinctive way!”

  “Wow! What does that mean?”

  “It’s you, doing what you really love for the sheer joy of it! And it turns out that you’ll be good at it too!”

  “Isn’t that a bit selfish?”

  “Isn’t it selfish to be miserable doing something you hate and polluting everyone around you with your bad mood? Joyousness is infectious! Be joyous and infect others with it!” The Voice chuckled. “Besides, your purpose happens to be in service to others most of the time, but that’s not why you pursue it.”

  “What makes you go for it, then?”

  “The exhilaration, the fulfilment, the contentment. It fills you up, and you lose your small self in the process, as your True Self flows through you unimpeded.”

  “Being in flow, being on fire?”

  “Yes. Have you ever lost track of time because you were so deeply involved in something you loved?”

  “Yes!”

  “That’s when your True Self is expressing itself through you.”

  “Hang on,” said Katy. “So, your True Self, for example, could paint a masterpiece but must express it through your small self, which holds the brush and knows the painting techniques?”

  “And when both selves are in harmony, you’re in flow, you’re deeply involved, you’ve lost track of time, and you’re enjoying yourself!”

  “That’s true!”

  “Your true passion, the thing that consistently brings you joy, is your purpose.”

  “How do I find it then? Is mine being a speaker, like Dinah said? Because if it is, I haven’t got a clue how to do it!”

  “You’ve always loved talking, haven’t you?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Your purpose is something you already know at some level. Follow your heart and listen to the wisdom of your intuitive mind.”

  “What if it’s wrong?”

  “That’
s the small self, speaking! It wants to keep you safe, you see? So it says ‘what if’?” And that’s what sabotages you! What if it goes wrong, what if I fail, what if I’m not up to it, what if I lose all my money? Those are the questions that stop you in your tracks. What if I can’t paint the masterpiece?”

  “Ah! Like the conditioned patterns in the mind that we talked about?”

  “Exactly! The small self is a collection of conditioned patterns. And the more you become aware of those patterns, the more you can change them and live from your True Self. Now you can expand your consciousness until it goes beyond the limitations of your rational mind!”

  The Voice gave Katy a moment to catch up.

  “How does it go beyond the mind?”

  “Rational mind. We go beyond, into the intuitive, connected, Higher Mind!”

  Katy was lost. The Voice waited patiently.

  “My head’s aching.”

  “Practice harnessing the power of your mind.”

  “I thought you said it was all about the heart?”

  “The heart empowers the thoughts of the mind.”

  “Huh?”

  “Thoughts create, and love is the essence of creation. Learn to choose the right thoughts and the right, love-based emotions. Oh, and visualize it too!”

  “How do I know if they’re right?”

  “What is ‘right’ for you, is that which serves your evolution and brings true joy. Choose the thoughts and emotions that help you and lead you to your bliss.”

  “But what if I have doubtful thoughts and fear-based emotions?”

  “You will! You’re human! Accept what is, but don’t give them power! Let go of the thoughts that keep you small, or at least don’t give them too much airtime. You mustn’t let fear hold you back from your destiny!”

  The Voice was gone.

  Katy was exhausted and managed a scant ten minutes of meditation before creeping into bed and falling asleep.

  She was transported to the wedding dream. In the church that was a supermarket, she noticed Tony waiting at the altar, which doubled as a cured meats counter. Above it hung a poster which read This is a sign. Watch out for more! As she approached the altar-come-counter, she noticed the Reverend Seamus was holding a thick tome, and reading aloud in his Irish brogue: “Every-ting in your life can be guided by a Higher Power – a part of you that’s Greater than you’ll know. It’s connected to everything. You just need to surrender your control of how you tink things should be, and flow with what is.”