* * *
Lauren Verde was waiting when her stupid, little husband tiptoed into the farmhouse-style kitchen in the early hours of Saturday morning, smelling of booze.
“I thought I told you to sort out your drinking?” She spoke evenly.
“It was just a half bottle of wine.” His voice was strangled.
“Where were you anyway? This is the second Friday you’ve been out on a bender!”
“So what? And it wasn’t a bender!”
“So, you’ve got a problem, matey, and you need to do something about it!” She stood up and jabbed him in the chest with her long, manicured finger.
“I’m sorry, Lauren!”
“You will be.”
“I’ll make it up to you!”
“You’re in the spare room. We’ll discuss your behavior tomorrow. Goodnight.” She switched off the kitchen light and glided up the stairs, her excuse-for-a-man following sheepishly behind. She could hear him fiddling in the main bathroom before his footsteps faltered along the landing to the guest room. He was up to something, and she had a fair idea what it was.
Tracking down his credit card payments earlier that evening, she’d noted the places he’d been visiting: a café in Little Venice, a pub in Highgate, and what was he doing at Tate Modern? He hated galleries as far as she was aware!
She hoped he hadn’t been seeing some floozy behind her back. If so, she’d have to put a stop to it! She’d confront him tomorrow. How could he? After all she’d done for him! Didn’t marriage mean anything to him? She wondered if he could get it up with his bit on the side, and if he could, did he manage to finish the job? Did he pretend to her that he was too tired or feeling under the weather? Even with expensive Agent Provocateur, leather, thigh-high boots and fishnets, her husband rarely rose to the occasion, and when he did, it was mechanical, as if his head was somewhere else. She’d seen the dirty magazines he’d hidden in the loft room; soft, curvy women with big bottoms in compromising positions. No doubt there was worse on his laptop.
Of course, it wasn’t the first time his eye had wandered. He’d attempted to stray before, but she’d managed to reel him back in. He had no choice, really – he’d got used to the lifestyle she paid for! He’d be lost without his pocket money!
Recently, he’d been behaving oddly, like a small child who’d taken a sneaky peek at the Christmas presents under the tree. She was worried, but she needn’t be, she reminded herself. Amber was her ace in the hole. He doted on the child, and there was no way he’d leave if he couldn’t see his darling daughter. And no way he’d mess around behind her back if she threatened to leave him, daughter in tow!
Slipping into bed, she cast her mind back to the evening she’d first seduced Anthony. The memory of the Oxfordshire pub came sharply into focus. Caroline, his first wife, had gone home early, apparently with a migraine. It was no secret that their marriage was on the rocks, and being Caroline’s close friend, she’d heard it first-hand. The four of them had gone out. She was with Howard back then but had always fancied Anthony. Howard was on call, and when his pager flashed, he excused himself and left. She never did find out what the emergency was!
Sidling up to Tony, she flirted with him, touching his forearm as she talked, pretending to pick a piece of thread from his sweatshirt, making eyes at him. A round of drinks later, she started rubbing his calf with the top of her foot, then pressing her knee against his. It was his muscular body that she found so attractive. Running her hand along his firm cyclist’s thigh, she’d noticed the bulge in his jeans. The rest was history. It wasn’t difficult: he was easily led. And if she could do it, then why not someone else? That thought had always haunted her. His reputation, his past, was no secret to her. He was weak.
Lauren sighed as she switched off the light and turned over. She’d been working in the City long enough to observe how the male of the species operated. He couldn’t hide his moves, his childish whims, his little enthusiasms from her! The silly idiot had pretended to be something he wasn’t, but she’d seen right through it and married him anyway. What a sap! She could play him like the stock market! If he had been up to anything, she’d find out and have him by the balls. Lauren rolled onto her back and folded her arms over the duvet.
Some people said she was domineering, but that wasn’t fair. She just had more self-control than most and was able to contain her emotions. Huh! Not like those flappable women who worked for her, crying into their Kleenex at the slightest trifle. She would never allow herself to be exposed like that! She wasn’t bossy, she was sensible, measured, tough, but fair. They were just jealous because she was efficient and thrived on pressure. Her mind continued to drift.
She’d always known what she wanted and usually got it. It was just a matter of having your head firmly screwed on, taking a few unpopular decisions, holding your nerve, and waiting for the right moment. Of course, you had to look at the numbers, calculate the probability, weigh the odds. You knew where you were with numbers, they followed the rules and behaved themselves, unlike her husband. Without her, he’d be nothing. Just a washed-up officer in the forces.
Rolling over onto her side, she plumped up the pillow. If she had to, she’d hit him where it hurt. It would be her pleasure! How she’d love to punish him in the bedroom, twisting her spiked heels into his back as he lay face down. The corners of her mouth turned up as she visualized the fantasy. Of course, she’d never let on about her fetish: he could use it against her at a later date, and that would never do! But still, it was her duty to see that he shaped up! Who else was going to stand over him and make him grow up? Hadn’t she done everything in her power to keep him on track? And how did he thank her? By repeatedly letting her down! Why on earth did she take him back time and again? For better or for worse, she was hooked, she realized, forever putting up with his broken promises and empty threats. Underneath, she had to admit, she loved him, she needed him.
* * *
Alone in the spare room, Tony lay awake, the details of the soul contract and the celebration at Pandora’s playing over in his mind. He didn’t care anymore. The bitch from hell could do what she wanted. He’d get a restraining order and make sure he’d have access to Amber. The health visitor and her teacher would vouch for him, and so would the Air Commodore. His record was untarnished, and for once, he knew exactly what he wanted. This was real. The thought of Katy aroused him, but that wasn’t all, she made his heart beat with joy. All they had to do was hammer out a few details and make their respective moves. His high forehead wrinkled as he rehearsed what he’d say to Lauren. Turning over, and closing his eyes, a broad smile broke across his face as he imagined himself living in the same house as Katy, their home. They’d be sleeping under the same roof, in the same bed. He’d make love to her every night and it would be perfect.
Chapter 31
Saturday 16th May, 2009
Tilly’s party had gone well, considering they were in the middle of exams and they’d deliberately kept it low key. She emerged from the small gathering with a new boyfriend in tow. They looked good together, more suited, thought Katy, watching them from the cover of the car, ready to ferry Tilly and her friends back home.
Was it almost seventeen years since that tiny, premature baby had been placed in her hands?
Look at her now! A beautiful, intelligent young woman, far more confident than she’d ever been! Gosh, Tony was only seventeen when they’d first met! And she’d been just fifteen! Oh, my goodness! Freddie’s age! Her children were the same age, or would be on Tuesday, that she and Tony had been when they met! She could feel the color draining from her face. That was young, far too early to be taking relationships seriously. Why hadn’t she realized it at the time? She’d loved him, she supposed, and thought he loved her.
Winding down the car window, she turned her attention to Tilly. “Hello! How did it go?”
“Yeah! Great!”
The girls piled into the car, giggling and making the odd comment in hushed tones.
Some things never changed! Why was life so confusing for teenagers? At least Tilly had been out with someone steady. Tony had walked away after only three weeks. Huh! Three again. Driving through the back roads, dropping off Tilly’s friends, Katy’s train of thought continued. Stupid of her to believe he’d had any feelings back then. Why would he have loved her, a fifteen-year-old with spots, bushy hair, and an unfashionable, curvy bottom? How she’d hated her looks back then, and how she’d scolded herself for getting it wrong! She frowned. So why did he tell her a week ago Friday that he loved her, and always had?
Swinging the car into Sycamore Road, it dawned on her. Oh, my God! For the last thirty-odd years she hadn’t trusted her own intuition! Tony Verde had dumped her when she’d been sure he loved her. It had shut her down, and she’d lost confidence in her instincts ever since! It was thirty-two years to be precise. That made him forty-nine, like the forty-nine steps of the Bardo! He’d be fifty in November! Reincarnation! Rebirthing to a new era, perhaps? Was this another coincidence, along with the kids’ ages? Her head was spinning.
Back home, she said goodnight to Tilly before slipping quietly into bed. Richard was already asleep, thank goodness.
Sunday 17th May, 2009 – a six day
Pretending at happy families the next morning around the breakfast table was more than she could bear. Katy’s heart beat wildly every time she caught herself in the lie. Honesty had always been her policy, her heart there on her sleeve for all to see. Hadn’t her mother always told her she was an open book? She wasn’t used to hiding anything and was rubbish at it! Surely Richard must suspect?
Tilly planned to meet up with her new beau that afternoon, and Freddie was off to Tom’s. As Richard sat in the garden reading the Sunday papers, Katy tiptoed upstairs, shutting the office door behind her, before ringing Shanti.
“Dinah said I should think about it, chat it through with someone.”
“Good idea.”
“But I’d normally talk to Rich!”
Shanti laughed. “What about your supervisor?”
“Terry? I’m not sure. He’s old school. Probably wouldn’t approve.”
“He’s a professional! Try him!”
“He doesn’t understand the spiritual side.”
“See what he says.”
Katy paused. She was seeing him on Tuesday and could raise the subject. Feel her way with it. “What do you think?” she asked.
“I think you’re being guided, and you’ve got to see what unfolds. Go with the flow.”
“But what if the flow screws up my life?”
“It can’t really. You’ll just pick up the pieces and start again!”
“What about Tilly and Freddie?”
“They’re your kids. They love you!”
“They’re going to be mad at me.”
“They’ll get over it.”
Katy wasn’t so confident. What did Shanti know? She didn’t have children. “I can’t keep up this double life!”
“It won’t be forever!”
“There’s no way I could have an affair!”
“You already are!”
“I’m not sleeping with him.”
“Yet.”
“That’s the point! I’ve got to go one way or the other! I have to decide and it’s driving me crazy!”
“Why not wait till after the conference? It’s less than two weeks away. You’ll be on a high vibration, and it’ll give you more clarity. Have you seen who’s there this year?”
“I know. It’s a brilliant line-up!”
“And with all the meditations, you’ll have a chance to think about it deeply, without anyone influencing you.”
“I suppose so.”
“We can talk about it in the evenings, too, go over all the pros and cons.”
“That sounds great. Okay. I’ll tell Tony to hold off.”
“It’ll give him time too! You’ll be away for a few days and phoning isn’t really an option with the long hours and the cost of overseas calls.”
“And the reception there’s terrible.”
“Exactly.”
Katy hadn’t had time to think about the Conference for Evolution in Human Consciousness but now Shanti had mentioned it, she was excited. They’d be flying to Barcelona, where they’d meet up with MOSES friends who were staying at the same hotel. It had been booked ages ago. Shanti was right, it would give her an opportunity to step back and make the right decision.
Sitting in the navy, wing-backed chair that was usually reserved for clients, Katy cast her eye over her office with its soft blues and its one indigo wall. The statue of the Buddha seemed to be smiling at her. She stood up to light a joss-stick and three candles. Picking up a small piece of moldavite crystal from the shelf, and holding it in the palm of her hand, she returned to her chair and sat with it. A warmth rose from within and seemed to shine out around her. She closed her eyes, the flickering of the candles casting red patterns against the lids as the smell of incense reached her nostrils. In this perfect stillness, a glowing, peaceful feeling wrapped itself around her. She’d speak to Terry on Tuesday, but she already knew what she wanted. Waiting until after the conference was a good idea. She could talk to Shanti, not about Tony, but about the best way of consciously uncoupling from Richard.
It had been quite a journey, she reflected. At times, it felt as if never-ending fragments of herself had been surfacing. Stitch by stitch she’d sewn them together until she knew who she was, understood what she wanted. A contented smile, not unlike that on the Buddha’s face, spread across her features.
Down in the kitchen, she put the kettle on.
“Rich?” she called. “Do you want tea?”
Joining her husband in the garden, she sat next to him on a wrought-iron seat. Her stomach lurched as she took a sideways glance. Their marriage wasn’t working, and nor was Tony’s. Richard and Lauren might even feel relieved? Perhaps they’d be all too willing to walk away? She just had to work out how to tell him.
Tilly and Freddie would understand, of course they would, and they’d love Tony! He was a great dad, from what she’d heard, probably better than Richard! And Amber would be a little stepsister for them. Doubtless, she’d stay with her mum most of the time, but perhaps she’d visit at weekends? Shifting uncomfortably, she took a mouthful of tea and crossed her legs. Tilly and Freddie would live with her, obviously. That’s right. It would all be happy families once everyone realized the importance of the soul relationship and the depth of their love.
Give them a chance to settle, and it would all work out for the best. Even Tara and Ben would capitulate once they understood the spiritual side. The wider family would give their seal of approval as soon as they’d got used to the idea. They’d take their lead from the children. It was just a matter of treading gently and giving them plenty of time. Katy’s face lit up as she let go of her fears and focused on the positive.
Richard’s phone rang and he jumped up, rushing inside to answer it. Must be that journalist again, thought Katy, watching his eyelid flicker.
Suddenly, she realized something! It was she that had changed, not him. She’d pieced herself back together and felt whole. The sun came out, bathing her face in the warmth of its rays. Lifting her eyes, she noticed the roses were in full bloom. A robin swooped down and perched on the briar, its song ringing out across the garden. Happiness had a habit of wearing off, and her own happiness would bring freedom and joy to others, as well as herself. What was it Shanti had said?
Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu!
Note from the Author
The copyright laws surrounding song lyrics are stringent. Where one can quote from a book and give the source, or quote a person, one cannot quote from a song.
In my novel, I quote briefly from the late British philosopher Alan Watts, and I use a line from The Book of Knowledge, The Keys of Enoch ® by Dr J J Hurtak. There are small quotes from other people, each one acknowledged.
I would like to have quoted
song lyrics that the main character hears, sings along to, and views as prophetic. Copyright laws only allow me to use the song title and the artist.
If you’d like to look up the lyrics online, they are freely available, otherwise, the story can be enjoyed without them.
Chapter 10 - Spice Girls – Wannabe
Chapter 21 - Van Morrison – No Guru, No Method, No Teacher
Chapter 22 - David Bowie – Rebel Rebel
Chapter 26 - Oasis – Wonderwall
Oasis Blondie – Hanging on the Telephone
Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here
Billy Joel – Just the Way You Are
Labi Siffre – It Must be Love
FICTION
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