Zeke nodded slowly, looking as pale as Isaac had at the altar.
“You okay, bro?” Tanner asked with an evil grin.
“I’m—I’m fine. I’d rather elope.” He nudged Paisley under the table again. She wrapped her leg around his and rubbed her ankle up and down his shin. He swallowed and stared at the label on his beer as if he were memorizing it. She could tell by the way he gripped his bottle that she was getting to him and distracting him from his brothers.
“So would we all. So would we all.” Cooper chuckled. “But women have a different idea. They need their weddings.”
“Give me a justice of the peace and a keg of beer, and I’m good,” Cedric added with a grin at Bella.
“You’re not getting out of a wedding that easily,” she shot right back, and everyone laughed.
“Hell, even I wouldn’t cross Bella,” Cooper said. “She scares me.”
“Don’t you forget that, brother-in-law.”
“She scares all of us. Cedric has more balls than the rest of us put together.” Tanner fist-bumped with Cedric, who was grinning at the compliment.
“I love my Bells.”
“I love you, too.” Bella leaned into him and kissed him.
“Oh, crap. Not again.” Isaac rolled his eyes and groaned.
“Get a room.” Cooper made a gagging sound.
Paisley glanced at Zeke to see how he was taking this good-natured teasing, which unintentionally excluded them. It was painfully obvious how distant they were from this tight-knit family brought together by the four sisters. Zeke was staring down at his hands and not saying a word. She suspected as the youngest he’d felt excluded all his life.
This group’s lives intertwined, creating camaraderie among all of them.
Zeke swallowed and pushed the shockingly good steak around on his plate.
Paisley had fantasized about a family like this, wishing she could have an easy friendship with people who cared about her and didn’t exist to create more drama in her life.
These were Zeke’s family, and he rejected them. She still didn’t understand why, but she’d find out.
Chapter 22—Strike Three
If Zeke thought the wedding would be the end of this forced camaraderie with his brothers, he should’ve known better. One Big Seattle Family kicked off with a bang, leaving him in the company of his brothers way too often, including “family” outings in the form of commercials filmed at the zoo, on the ferry, at the Space Needle, and at City Centre. You name it, over the next few weeks, he was forced to endure his brothers and put on a show for anyone in attendance.
Zeke refused their offers to join them off-camera for more private family outings. He could handle the public ones. In some perverse way, he’d even concede that he almost enjoyed them. He avoided their attempts to get him alone for more meaningful conversations. The last thing he wanted was to open up old scars and rehash old hurts. Nothing good would come of any of it. He couldn’t forget, and he couldn’t forgive.
The sooner his brothers came to terms with their relationship being superficial, the better.
Meanwhile, Paisley became more and more attached to her “future sisters-in-law.” While Zeke kept his complaints to himself, he didn’t like their closeness one damn bit.
He had to admit, Paisley needed girlfriends and shopping buddies. He even endured one drunken girls’ night in at his house. All of the Maxwell sisters and Paisley drank way too many bottles of wine and laughed over the stupidest things. He took refuge in the master bedroom with the kids. They piled on the bed and watched Disney movies until it was time to put them to bed, and the men started showing up to retrieve their beyond-tipsy women.
He did share a moment of normalcy with his brothers as they stood on his porch and discussed the perils of a guy dealing with a drunk female. They’d laughed and compared notes, almost like brothers who gave a shit about one another.
Almost like a family.
The entire incident yanked Zeke so far out of his comfort zone that he retreated into his shell.
One night, three weeks after his brother’s wedding, Paisley sat on the edge of his big king bed and brushed her hair. Sometimes he’d brush it for her, loving the feel of the silky strands sliding through his fingers.
The French doors were open, and a warm late-July breeze wafted in the door.
Tonight he watched Paisley warily. She’d been a little off all week, and he wasn’t sure why, but when it came to a female, that was never a good sign.
Zeke didn’t like the distance between them, even as he attempted to acknowledge it as a sign. He’d been avoiding the inevitable for too long. He’d let his relationship with Paisley get comfortable. He’d put off telling her the truth. He’d put off being a man and setting her free for her own good.
He was a selfish prick because it suited his own needs. He was as bad as Sully, if not worse. He’d eventually break her heart, but he couldn’t bring himself to end it, either. Not yet. The timing wasn’t right.
He was fooling himself. The timing would never be right, but he’d never commit, either. He couldn’t, and it had nothing to do with his wants. He wanted to commit, but he couldn’t subject Paisley and the kids to the damaged soul he kept locked so tight inside.
Shaking off that disturbing thought, he stood and moved to sit next to Paisley. “Hey, babe, wanna see what I have in my pants?” He grinned.
She paused and ran her gaze down his body. “You’re not wearing pants.”
“All the better.” He grinned the cocky grin she usually loved. She frowned.
Slightly alarmed, Zeke moved closer. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I just have a lot of things on my mind.”
Those two words, I’m fine, said by a female struck fear in every man’s heart. Nothing good came from those words. Zeke debated on leaving it as it was or swinging to hit it out of the park and chancing a strikeout.
He went with his go-to option. As a full-fledged, card-carrying member of the guys’ club, the way he saw it, sex fixed everything. He nuzzled her neck while lowering the thin straps of the filmy nightgown she wore. A personal fave of his, the thing hugged her breasts and showed off those nipples just enough to shift his imagination into gear visualizing those rosy tips begging for his wet mouth.
Paisley never could resist his hands and mouth. She turned into him. Her fingers twined in his hair, which he’d allowed to grow too long out of indifference. He’d get it cut when the mood struck him and he didn’t have anything better to do on his day off.
She straddled his lap, and he grinned as he realized she wasn’t wearing any panties. Paisley lowered her wet heat onto his waiting cock until he was fully buried and grinning like a rookie just told he was being called up.
“Damn,” he whispered as she raised her body and lowered it. She repeated the action over and over until he fell on his back, taking her with him. The woman braced her hands on his chest and began to really fuck him. He reached up and pulled down her nightgown so he could watch her tits bounce up and down. The vision was heaven on earth.
He came first in an explosion of raw lust, which vibrated through every erogenous zone in his body. Somehow he managed to maintain a thin thread of sanity. He reached between her legs and rubbed her clit, sending her easily over the edge. He loved to watch her orgasm. She was all in. Her head thrown back, her breasts thrust out, and her expression one of sheer, unfettered bliss. She collapsed on top of him, complete with heavy breathing and sweaty body. Just the way he liked.
Her hair tickled his nose, but he didn’t mind. He buried his face in the silky mass and breathed in the flowery scent of her shampoo.
God help him. He so loved this woman.
* * * *
Paisley lay on top of Zeke for several seconds. He held her loosely, stroking her back and whispering cute little terms of endearment. Only he didn’t say it. She needed to hear the words she knew he felt.
He’d been right. She wasn’t fine. She wanted
reassurance. She wanted him to trust her with his secrets, his hopes, his fears, his dreams. She wanted him. All of him. Not just the nice guy he pretended to be on the surface. She wanted to know everything about him. From the day he was born to the day she met him. And he would tell her. Paisley had ultimate faith in this wondrous, precious thing blooming between them.
Zeke didn’t like to leave his comfort zone, and their fake relationship had become too comfortable. It was past time she raised the stakes and kicked his ass out of his safe spot.
He’d thank her for it later once the shock wore off.
She lifted her head to find him watching her with a half-smile on his face.
“You were right. I’m not fine.” There, she’d said it. Gotten the first words out.
His smile faded. His eyes grew hooded, almost suspicious. Not exactly the reaction she’d hoped for.
“We need to talk.”
He stiffened under her. His long fingers gripped her waist. He shifted slightly. A frown marred his beautiful face only minutes ago radiant with rapture she’d caused.
“I don’t want to talk about my brothers.” He wrongly guessed.
“This isn’t about Isaac and Tanner. This is about us.” She tried to put on her cheery facade but failed. This conversation wasn’t going well, and her female intuition told her it was about to get worse, but there was no turning back now.
“I’ve fallen in love with you, Zeke.”
“Ah, fuck. Why the hell did you go and do that?” He sounded annoyed and wounded at the same time. His fingers dug into her ribs, but she ignored the painful pressure.
“I want us to be a real family. The kids love you. You’re a better dad to them than Virgil could ever hope to be.”
Zeke lifted her off him in a smooth, powerful movement that left her lying on the bed alone and him sitting on the side of the bed rubbing his hands over his face and groaning.
“No, Paisley, no.” He sounded like a man who’d been told he only had a week to live.
“I love you, Zeke. I know you love me, too.”
He laced his fingers together and studied them as if they held all the answers to life’s questions.
“Zeke.” She shook his shoulder, but he didn’t move, didn’t look up, didn’t react. “I love you.”
“You can’t love me.” The words came out strangled and tortured.
“But I do.”
Finally, he looked up. He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them. “You don’t know me.”
“I know enough.” She grabbed his hands. They were cold and clammy.
“I’m not good for you and the kids. I don’t know how to love.”
She shook her head, confused at his words. By his earnest tone, he meant what he said. “Why would you say something like that?”
His face hardened to ice as if he’d been flash-frozen. “There’s too much messed up inside me. I’m damaged beyond repair.”
Paisley shook her head. “No, no, you’re not. You are a good man to the core.”
A lone tear slid down his cheek. “I wish that were true.”
He stood and started pulling on his clothes.
“Where are you going?” She was starting to panic, but she couldn’t help it. She followed him to the door.
“I need some space. I’ll sleep in the den.”
She started to follow him, but the look on his face stopped her.
Paisley tossed and turned the rest of the night, alternating between tears of agony and anger over the stubborn man one floor below.
In the morning, he was gone on a ten-day road trip.
* * * *
“Amigo, you look like you could use a friend.” Fernando followed Zeke off the team bus after they’d lost a close one against Zeke’s former team. “Your game has been off all week.”
Zeke shrugged. He wasn’t in the mood for soul-baring.
“Join me for a drink.” Fernando dogged his heels, not giving up that easily.
Zeke sighed. “You won’t get off my back until I do, will you?”
“Hell, no.” Fernando grinned and tipped his imaginary hat to a group of ladies giggling near the hotel door.
They entered the darkened bar and found a private table near the back. “So spill it.”
Zeke considered citing his crappy performance on this road trip as the reason he was down.
“And don’t tell me it’s baseball, because I’ll know you’re lying.” Fernando read Zeke’s mind.
Zeke rolled his eyes, but Fernando just waited him out with that annoying-as-hell patience he possessed.
“Paisley told me she loves me.” There, he’d said it.
Fernando cocked his head and raised both brows. “She loves you? Damn. I can understand why you’re depressed as hell. What man wouldn’t be if a gorgeous, sweet woman like her said something as horrendous as that?”
Zeke narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t in any mood for sarcasm.
Fernando made a visible attempt to be serious. “So, do you love her?”
“Yeah,” Zeke said miserably, hanging his head.
“I’m not seeing the problem.” Fernando laughed. “Buddy, you are one screwed-up puppy.”
Zeke looked up. “You have no fucking idea.”
“So enlighten me. You love her. She loves you. Seems simple enough. Is it the kids?”
Zeke shook his head. “I adore the kids.”
“You gotta work with me, Z. I’m not catching on here.”
“I can’t.” Zeke groaned and buried his head in his hands. “I’m too fucking broken. I can’t subject her and the kids to my demons.”
“Z, we all have demons. It’s what we choose to do with them that matters most. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
Zeke ran his hands over his face and met Fernando’s gaze. “I’m capable of awful things. You know I didn’t have the best childhood. I’ll succumb and do the same thing to them. Look what I did to Isaac.”
Fernando snorted, as if this were some big joke. “That’s what this is all about? Fighting with your brother?”
“I would’ve killed him if you guys hadn’t been there to pull me off him. I’m scared of that person I became, of the white-hot rage inside me.”
Fernando blew out a breath and leaned back in the booth, rubbing his chin. “We all lose our temper once in a while.”
“Yeah, what if I lose it with Paisley or one of the kids? What then?”
“Have you ever laid a hand on a woman or a child or someone who wasn’t an equal match in size and strength to you?”
Zeke shook his head.
“Then fearing your demons is a piss-poor reason to throw away the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I’ve never seen you so genuinely happy, bro.”
“You don’t know how screwed up I am.”
Fernando stared him straight in the eyes. “We all have secrets. Some are best left buried, and others are best dealt with via counseling. I do know what it’s like to love someone and to live in fear that I’ll fuck it up because of my secrets.”
“You’re in love with someone?”
Fernando laughed, but this time it was emotionless and hollow. “Yes, there’s someone, has been for a while.”
“Then why the fake girlfriend? Why not—” Zeke stopped in midsentence and studied his best buddy, and he knew. This wasn’t just about Zeke and his problems. This was about Fernando. “Oh, shit. You are gay,” he said softly.
Fernando’s direct gaze never wavered. “Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He felt betrayed. He’d bared some of his darkest secrets to Fernando, but his friend didn’t trust him with his own secret.
“I’ve been waiting for you to figure it out.” Fernando shrugged. “And you were just too dense to see it.”
“I guess so. Or I was in denial.”
“Does it change things between us?”
“Hell, no. I don’t care if you’re gay or a transsexual. What I do care about is that you didn’t tru
st me enough to tell me.”
“I’m telling you now.”
Zeke nodded in acknowledgment. “I guess you are. Are you going to come out?”
“I can’t,” Fernando said with anguish. “My family. They’re very conservative. They would never understand. It would kill my father. He’d lose face with the church and his friends. It would break my mother’s and grandmother’s hearts. I cannot do that to any of them. I cannot lose my family. I have Mick, and we have a good life, even if it’s underground. So far, Mick understands. He hasn’t forced me to choose between my family and him, but I live with the fear that eventually he could grow tired of the subterfuge.”
“I understand, but that’s harsh, Nando. Living a lie like that.” Zeke found it hard to fathom that Fernando had a private life he knew nothing about. He’d lived in his buddy’s condo for a few weeks when he’d first been traded to Seattle, but never seen past the haze in his own life to realize Fernando had a male lover.
“I do what I have to do. You need to do what you have to do to live the best life you can live. Trust yourself and take a chance on love, Z. Be a family.”
“The nightmares are back. What if I really am my father’s son?”
“You aren’t.” Fernando said those two words with absolute conviction, the kind of conviction Zeke needed to have. “It’s time for you to kick the past to the curb and look to the future, including reconciling with your brothers. Cut them some slack. Each of you survived the best you could with the tools you had.”
“I don’t know if I can do that.” Zeke’s head pounded with the mother of all headaches as he tried to make sense of everything.
“In order to forgive your brothers, you need to forgive yourself first.” Fernando stood and patted Zeke on the shoulder. “Think about it.”
Zeke watched Fernando walk from the bar, pausing to flirt with some women and sign autographs. He wondered what it’d be like to conceal a huge part of himself as Fernando was doing, then realized with a bolt of shock that he’d been doing the same thing by pretending to have a perfect childhood. He denied the dysfunction and the tragedy when he could have possibly used it to help others cope, and, as a result, helped himself as well.
Bottom of the Ninth: Seattle Skookums Baseball (Game On in Seattle Book 6) Page 24
