■ In one part of India they’ve taken a hard line approach to the widespread problem of marauding monkeys. If you’re a primate who wants to make trouble, don’t do it in northern Punjab, where you’ll pay the price: Hardened criminals get life sentences in “well-guarded and heavily-barred cells” at a local zoo:“All 11 monkeys are hard cases who have been apprehended by game wardens for thieving, terrorising and biting people,” their jailer, Ram Tirath, said. “It’s unlikely that any of them will ever be paroled.”
■ The baboons of South Africa whose crimes we noted in Chapter 2 face an even harsher sentence. Authorities have recently adopted a three-strikes policy, and repeat offenders now face the death penalty, although it’s a point of controversy:Fourteen-year-old William, a large male known officially as GOB03, who had terrorised the coastal suburb of Scarborough for as long as anyone can remember, was the first to fall foul of this controversial rule.
His death last month was greeted with outrage and jubilation in equal measure and dominated the letters pages of the local newspapers for weeks.
■ The punishment fit the crime in the case of Winston, a dog who attacked several vehicles and tore the bumper off a Chattanooga police car. A judge agreed to drop a “potentially dangerous dog” citation after six months if Winston was successful in court-ordered obedience training. The dog’s lawyer said, “The obedience training is going to be more like anger management.”
GOVERNMENT IN ACTION
In some cases, even a few brave politicians are taking a stand against bad animals.
One admirable example of political leadership comes from the president of Zambia, who was peed on by a monkey while speaking at a press conference. Adopting a zero-tolerance approach, he evicted all two hundred monkeys who’d been enjoying the good life on the grounds of his official residence.
Even more encouraging is the case of an entire electorate that stood up to the tide of unearned privileges being granted to animals. In 2010, Swiss voters rejected a proposal that animals be provided free lawyers by the government. This is all the more noteworthy when seen in context: The Swiss legal system already mandates the mollycoddling of pets, including laws that forbid flushing goldfish down the toilet and require that guinea pigs and canaries be kept with roommates. Thankfully, there does seem to be a line that even the Swiss won’t cross.
SCIENCE SHOWS THE WAY
While we’ve seen that in some cases, professionals like wildlife biologists can be egregious offenders when it comes to making excuses for bad animal behavior, it’s important not to tar all scientists with the same brush: They’ve come up with some of the most fiendishly clever offensive strategies against our fellow creatures. So, to inspire you to go out and stand up for your species, I’ll end this book with a few examples of the most satisfying type: What could be better than using bad animals against bad animals?
GETTING GOATS’ GOAT
On an island off South Australia, a population of feral goats, descended from animals brought by settlers for their meat and milk, is following the usual routine of invasive species the world over, and particularly in Australia. They’re eating their way through the native plants, including one that’s the main food source for the endangered black cockatoo, and basically ruining it for everyone else.
By itself, that’s hardly unusual enough to be worthy of mention. The really interesting bad animals in this story are the ones being used by naturalists in the eradication effort: They call them “Judas goats.” Goats shipped in from the mainland are sterilized and fitted with radio tracking
* * *
SHIFTING THE BLAME
On occasion a human will try to blame an animal for a crime that, for a change, they probably actually didn’t commit. This could be a fair way of evening the score for everything else these beasts get away with. But if we’re going to use this strategy, we need to do a better job of it. In one case, a woman who was charged with stealing money from her ex-husband’s bank account said she had no choice—her dog had gotten into her purse and eaten all her checks. Her story did not persuade prosecutors. In another, a man in Florida was arrested for having child porn on his computer, and tried to blame it on his cat:He told detectives that he would leave the room sometimes while downloading music and when he returned, his cat had jumped up on the keyboard and strange images were downloaded.
Anyone who has a cat and a computer can imagine that this could happen once; however, the man was in possession of one thousand of these images. He was taken to jail and the cat was not charged.
* * *
collars. Then they’re released, and—as the leader of the project explains—their natural inclination to join a group takes over:“Generally the goat will have about a week’s sulk and once it gets over its week of sitting down and just adjusting itself to the new environment it’s been released into, it will go off . . . and find friends,” he said. “The feral goats are quite happy to accept them into their mobs and they fit right in.”
* * *
NOT THAT LONG AGO
It may be encouraging to know that delusions about our fellow creatures are not a necessary part of the human condition. It wasn’t always like this, and I’m not just talking about primitive times when we had to share our homes with livestock and had animal behavior up in our faces on a daily basis. In fact, a more realistic view—one that was even government supported—can be found as recently as the 1940s in a book called Who’s Who in the Zoo: A Natural History of Mammals, produced by the WPA Federal Writers’ Project.
Unconstrained by modern notions of political correctness, this book happily tells readers which animals are used for their fur, desired by big-game hunters for trophies, and good to eat. And the authors have no qualms about revealing unpleasant truths about animal behavior and even insulting them when it’s clearly deserved. Here are just a few instructive excerpts:• Other species of South American monkeys are less surly in captivity than the Howler.
• When a Marmoset is mischievous a slap will not cause it to behave, but it quickly obeys when its ears are pinched or bitten.
• Domesticated (Indian) elephants are used to capture the wild ones. Two tame elephants will squeeze a wild one between them, holding until their masters have bound its legs with chains.
• The Babirusa is one of the ugliest of the wild swine.
• The Guanaco is so stupid that the native Patagonian Indians are able to surround the herds and club many of their members to death.
• The mother [tiger] rarely deserts the young in infancy, unless hard-pressed. But she has been known to eat her kittens when food was scarce.
• The Camel is known to have served man for the last 5,000 years, but despite long domestication it has a very ugly disposition and is not attached to its master.
One also has to admire the writers’ skill at getting in a dig at large groups of animals while weakly complimenting one of them, as we see in this remark about the capybara:
• Largest of all living rodents, the Capybaras are the least obnoxious.
That seems pretty fair and balanced, right? Why can’t we see more of this in nature writing today?
* * *
The radio collars allow officials to find the group of feral goats and then, let’s just say, they don’t gather them up and take them to a goat shelter and adopt them out. And what the Judas goats don’t know is that they’re going to pay the price for their collusion: Once the feral goat population has been eliminated, the Judas goats will follow.
HOP TO IT
One of the most famous invasive bad animals in Australia and perhaps the world is the cane toad. Farmers brought cane toads to Australia in the 1930s, and, in exchange for a whole new continent to live on, they asked only that the toads eat a certain beetle that infests sugarcane fields. Seems like a fair deal, right?
Instead, the toads pretty much ignored the beetles and have spread across the country, eating native species and outcompeting them for food. The toads also add their own spe
cial touch to this familiar routine: They produce venom in warty lumps in their skin, which sometimes kills animals that pick up toads in their mouths.
Years of attempts to control the invading amphibians have failed, but now scientists may have found a simple solution. It’s an extremely nasty little insect, the carnivorous meat ant, that finds cat food delicious—and also won’t say no to a nice meal of baby toads:“It’s not exactly rocket science. We went out and put out a little bit of cat food right beside the area where the baby toads were coming out of the ponds,” University of Sydney professor Rick Shine told public broadcaster [Australian Broadcasting Corporation].
“The ants rapidly discovered the cat food and thought it tasted great.”
“The worker ants then leave trails back to the nest encouraging other ants to come out there and forage in that area, and within a very short period of time we got lots of ants in the same area as the toads are.”
Along with the cat food appetizer, the ants gobble up about 70 percent of the toads immediately, and most that escape the attack die later as well. Targeting the toads as they hatch is a particularly efficient approach, since the eggs are laid in huge masses and tens of thousands of young emerge at the same time.
It’s a particularly beautiful story of payback. Immigrant species usually take advantage of the fact that the natives have no defenses against them. But here, the natives are perfectly set to work together against the toads: The indigenous frogs have evolved the ability to dodge the ants, so they’re unaffected by the cat-food-induced attacks.
THROWING CUTE RIGHT BACK AT THEM
Finally, the research that has perhaps the most wide-ranging implications comes out of Japan, where Japanese macaques hide behind a reputation as the cute, fuzzy snow monkeys that wash their food, play with snowballs, and take blissful, relaxing baths in hot springs. In reality they behave just as badly as their relatives in other parts of the world. In the summer of 2010, more than sixty people in towns near Mount Fuji were the victims of monkey attacks. The most vulnerable citizens were not even safe in their own homes: An eighty-year-old woman was attacked from behind on her porch, and a first-grade girl was scratched by a monkey that entered her house.
However, scientists recently discovered that getting back at the monkeys is simple. All you have to do is show them a cute, inoffensive flying squirrel:When Japanese giant flying squirrels glided over to a tree in the monkeys’ vicinity, adults and adolescent macaques started hollering at it threateningly, the researchers report. Young macaques screamed and mothers scooped up their infants, while adults and high-ranking males in particular went and physically harassed the offending squirrel.
The squirrels certainly can’t hurt the much larger monkeys, and they don’t compete very much for food resources. The scientists speculate on the underlying cause of the reaction, but whatever it is, the monkeys just can’t stand the creatures. The eminent Christian Science Monitor summed up this story perfectly:MONKEYS HATE FLYING SQUIRRELS, REPORT MONKEY-ANNOYANCE EXPERTS
Japanese macaques will completely flip out when presented with flying squirrels, a new study in monkey-antagonism has found. The research could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys.
The importance of this research goes far beyond these pesky primates, however. Merely maddening monkeys is only a first step. If science can infuriate and annoy macaques, there’s nothing to stop them from developing ways to irritate dolphins, exasperate bears, and piss off pandas. And you don’t need an advanced degree to play a role: Anyone can put this book down right now and discombobulate a dog, aggravate a cat, outrage a goldfish, or perturb a squirrel.
So visualize a world where we face the facts about animals: Nature is nasty, and it’s more interesting that way. If you’ve read this far, you’re a member of the precious minority who understands that animals aren’t as cute as they want you to think. Stand up for the truth, and together we can stop them from pulling the wool, fur, feathers, and scales over our alltoo-willinge eyes.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks for contributing their expert services to the fight against bad animals on my blog and in this book are due to:Molly Diesing, German-language correspondent
David Feldman, virtual reference librarian
Alison Taub, flat-coated retriever specialist
Robin Saunders, consulting herpetologist
Thanks also to my agent, Myrsini Stephanides, and editor, Meg Leder. And as always, special thanks to Technical Staff for Life, Ron Boucher, and to Beth Harpaz, who once said, “You should write a book.”
REFERENCES
INTRODUCTION: NOT AS CUTE AS THEY WANT YOU TO THINK
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“Hungry Thai Elephants Raid Villages, Hijack Sugarcane Trucks,” AFP/Sydney Morning Herald , Dec. 9, 2003, www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/12/08/1070732147207.html.
Kemp, Joe, Adam Lisberg, and Helen Kennedy, “How’s This for a Warning? Groundhog Staten Island Chuck Bites Mayor Bloomberg on Big Day,” New York Daily News, Feb. 2, 2009, www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2009/02/02/2009-02-02_hows_this_for_a_warning_groundhog_staten-1.html.
“ ‘Ladykiller’ Cockerel Left Lonely After Mate Dies from Exhaustion,” Telegraph (UK), July 9, 2009, www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5782620/Ladykillercockerel-left-lonely-after-mate-dies-from-exhaustion.html.
“MP Blunkett Injured in Cow Attack,” BBC News, June 8, 2009, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/8089498.stm.
Savage, James, “Boozing Bunny Blessed with Four Lucky Feet,” Worcester News, Jan. 23, 2010, www.worcesternews.co.uk/news/4867260.Boozing_bunny_blessed_with_four_lucky_feet.
1. MUGGERS, BURGLARS, AND THIEVES
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Bolton, Ash, “Southampton Cat Keeps Stealing Underwear from across Portswood,” Southern Daily Echo (UK), July 8, 2010, www.dailyecho.co.uk/news/8261256.Cat_burglar_stealing_underwear.
Coyle, Meg, “Feline with a Fetish Goes for Gloves,” King5, July 14, 2010, www.king5.com/news/Glove-Stealing-Cat-98464489.html.
“Criminal Birds: Brazen Magpie Looting German Village,” Spiegel Online International, Jan. 3, 2008, www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,526445,00.html.
“Dog Eats $400, but Woman Recovers Some Cash Later,” AP/Los Angeles Times, March 18, 2009, www.latimes.com/entertainment/la-on-dogmoney19-2009mar19,0,351964.story.
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Flanagan, Jane, “Drunk Baboons Plague Cape Town’s Exclusive Suburbs,” Telegraph (UK), Aug. 29, 2010, www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/southafrica/7969313/Drunk-baboons-plague-Cape-Towns-exclusive-suburbs.html.
“Frankie the Feline Exposed as the Cat Burglar Stealing Toys from His Neighbours’ Homes,” Daily Mail, Dec.9,2008, www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1093194/Frankie-feline-exposed-cat-burglar-stealing-toys-neighbours-homes.html .
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Gast, Phil, “Bear Gets Stuck in Car, Goes on Brief Ride,” CNN, July 24, 2010, www.cnn.com/2010/US/07/23/colorado.bear.car/index.html.
Hotton, Mark, “Cheeky Kea Steals Touri
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“ ‘Imelda’ Strikes Again: Thieving Fox Amasses 120 Shoes,” Spiegel Online International, June 10, 2009, www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,629778,00.html. “Killer Chipmunks Invade Kitchens,” Sun (UK), July 27, 2009, www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2556542/Killer-chipmunks-invade-kitchens.html.
Lazzeri, Antonella, “Mum Attacked by Killer Chipmunk,” Sun (UK), July 30, 2009, www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2562305/Mum-attacked-by-killer-chipmunk.html.
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Marshall, Leon, “Baboon ‘Gangs’ Run Wild in Suburban South Africa,” National Geographic News, Oct. 4, 2006, http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/10/061004-baboons.html.
Marshall, Tim, “Spy Pigeons Coo in Iran,” Sky News, Oct. 22, 2008, http://blogs.news.sky.com/foreignmatters/Post:8c2a2858-01ab-4ab8-9291-42bd4afa79b6.
McKenzie, Bryan, “Aggressive Fox Bites 2 People, Steals Sweater,” Daily Progress, Aug. 27, 2009, www2.dailyprogress.com/news/cdp-news-local/2009/aug/27/aggressive_fox_bites_2_people_steals_sweater-ar-74829.
Animals Behaving Badly Page 13
