How can I live with myself if I let that happen?
But how can I ask her to stop? It was hard enough the first time.
Before I can work up the willpower to protest, Kirby pulls away from me. Her eyes are trained on mine, big and serious, and I already know what she’s going to say.
“I can’t do this,” she says.
My stomach sinks. She must have already seen or felt something she didn’t like. She realized what a mistake this would be.
“I have to break it off with Ted first,” she says. “It’s not right to cheat on him this way. I have to end things before anything happens between the two of us.”
“Wait.” I’m still trying to wrap my head around this one. Is this fucking real? “You… you’re really going to break up with Ted? For me?”
She smiles at me—that secretive, sweet Kirby smile. “I told you. You’re The One.”
“But…” Now that she’s not kissing me, I can think straight again. I can’t let this happen. “This isn’t a good idea, Kirby,” I say. “You’re supposed to marry Ted.”
Kirby frowns at me. “But I don’t love him.”
“I’m sure you love him,” I say quietly. “You agreed to marry him.”
She bites her lip, considering this.
“You’re getting cold feet,” I acknowledge. “It’s… normal. I’ve heard.”
Kirby doesn’t acknowledge that I’m right, but she does scoot over another foot away from me. She’s sitting up on the couch, but I’m still lying down, flat on my back. And now I’m in a tricky position, because I don’t think I can sit up on my own. Well, if I had twenty minutes, I could. But I don’t want to be lying here for twenty minutes, trying to explain to Kirby why she’s out of her mind. I’d like to be sitting up.
“Hey,” I say. “Could you… help me sit up?”
She looks at me in surprise, and my face gets hot. And that’s another reason she should be with Ted. She has zero concept of what she’s getting into with me. She’ll live to regret it. She’ll regret me. And then she’ll hate me. No doubt about it.
She leans forward and I grab her around the neck, and she pulls me up. I’d like to say it’s sexy, but it’s not. It’s just fucking humiliating.
“Ted’s a great guy,” I say, still struggling to catch my breath. “You’ll be happy marrying him. He’ll make you happy. You won’t regret it—I know it.”
She reaches out as if to touch my face, but pulls away at the last second. “But I want you, John.”
“You don’t really,” I say, which is the truth.
“I do.”
“Kirby, I can’t even fucking sit up!” I nearly shout the words at her. She flinches and I feel bad, but not bad enough to stop. “You don’t even have a clue—you really don’t. You know what it’s like to hang out with me for a couple of hours, but you don’t know what it’s like to date a quad. And believe me, it’s not as great as you’re imagining.” She’s shaking her head, so I add, “If you leave Ted for me, you’re going to regret it big time. You. Will. Regret it. I can’t make that any more fucking clear.”
“It’s my decision…”
“It wouldn’t be a fair decision,” I say. “You don’t know what my life is like. You’re clueless.”
“I’m clueless?” She snorts. “I don’t think that’s a fair thing to say after all the time we’ve spent together.”
“Well, it’s true,” I say. “You don’t know anything.”
Kirby hugs her arms to her chest. “You can’t let me decide, can you?”
“Fine, you want to make an informed decision?” Before I can stop myself, I hook my thumb into the waistband of my sweatpants and yank them down enough that she can see the tube protruding from my pelvic area. I hazard a glance at her face and see her eyes widen in horror. Yeah, I thought so. “This is how I take a piss, Kirby. This tube goes down to a bag strapped to my leg. I’ve got a bag of piss strapped to my leg all the time. You still want me over Ted?”
I can see her swallow hard. “I didn’t…”
“You didn’t know,” I complete her thought. “Right. Exactly. Well, you were going to find it in about sixty seconds, so I thought I’d save you the trouble.”
Kirby is looking down at her hands.
“You want to hear another tidbit?” I say, now on a role. “My shoulder is so fucked up from that fall that I can’t even wheel my goddamn chair anymore. I’ve barely left the apartment since that night. I’ve got to get a power wheelchair. So that’s how I’ll be getting around from now on.” I take a shaky breath. “I can still transfer myself. For now. But who knows how long that will last?”
If she challenges me again, I might drop the bombshell that I need a pill to get it up, and even then sometimes I can’t. But Kirby is quiet and I’d rather keep that one to myself.
“Yeah,” I say, “that’s what I thought.”
“John,” she whispers, “I don’t care about any of that. That’s just… outside stuff. I love you mostly for who you are… inside.”
I wince. Not only is that painfully cheesy, but… is she saying that she isn’t attracted to me at all physically? That she’s willing to overlook my appearance because of my shining personality?
“That came out wrong,” Kirby says quickly.
“Look,” I say, “you need to leave. I know that you…” I swallow a lump in my throat. “You probably mean well, but this is all a huge mistake. For both of us.”
“Don’t say that,” she says softly.
“It’s true.” I look her straight in the eyes. “In a month, you’ll be closing your eyes and thinking about Ted when you’re with me and regretting this. I promise you that.”
“You really don’t think much of me, do you?”
Don’t I? She’s the one who just admitted she doesn’t find me attractive. If I were ever sure I was doing the right thing, it was when those words popped out of her mouth. “I guess not.”
“You’re being an asshole.” A crease forms between her eyebrows. “I thought we were past that.”
“Yeah, well,” I say. “All the more reason you should pick Ted over me. He’s the nice one. I’m the asshole.”
Kirby gets up from the couch and I can see her hands are shaking as she picks up her purse. “I don’t know why you’re doing this, John. I really don’t.”
Because I love you. And I want you to be happy. And I know you won’t be happy with me.
“I’m just telling it like it is,” I say.
“Fuck you,” she says.
Her eyes are flashing. Christ, she’s hot. If I thought there was a snowball’s chance in hell that the two of us could be happy together as a couple, I’d never let her walk out the door. But there isn’t. So I let her go.
Chapter 43: John
I pick Ted up at the Path Train station, and we head to a local bar. I’m in the mood to get plastered right now, but that’s a bad idea for a lot of reasons. Alcohol doesn’t mix with Percocet and I took two of them a couple of hours ago. Also, alcohol is a diuretic and drinking too much of it is a guarantee that my leg bag will fill too fast and possibly shoot my blood pressure up if I’m too drunk to empty it when I should. So I’m sticking with non-alcoholic drinks tonight.
Usually when we’re at a bar together, Ted is pointing out girls he thinks I should try to hit on (even though I never do), but today, he’s strangely silent. He sits across the table from me, staring into his amber-colored beer.
“How was the interview?” I ask him.
Ted lifts his blue eyes to stare at me. “Awful.”
“Awful?” I’m shocked. Ted interviews well. Really well. I’d have given anything to be Ted during the interviews I’ve been on, instead of the guy that the interviewer could barely bring himself to look at. Ted’s got a confident smile that could get him just about anything. “They didn’t like you?”
“The interview was fine,” Ted clarifies. “It’s the job. It sucks, Johnny. It’s not what I want at all.”
&nb
sp; “Oh.” I shrug. “Well, I’m sure something else will come along. What kind of job do you want?”
He frowns, swirling his beer around in the glass. “I want the job I have now. It’s my dream job.”
“I’m sure there are other jobs like that out there,” I assure him. “New York’s a big city, Ted.”
“Kirby should come to Silicon Valley.” Ted grits his teeth. “I’ve got this great job that pays a shitload, and what does she have? She works in a fucking bakery. She barely earns enough to live on. I mean, who should be the one who has to move?”
My mouth feels dry. I take a sip of my Coke, wanting a beer like nothing else. “I, uh… I don’t know, man. It’s a tricky situation. Kirby’s lived here her whole life.”
“So it’s time for her to experience something new!” Ted bangs his fist on the table. “Why the hell is she so stubborn about this? What’s so awful about moving?”
I manage a smile. “I guess you have to pick between your dream job and your dream girl.”
Pick the job. For the love of Christ, please pick the fucking job.
“I just…” Ted picks up the beer he’s been nursing and takes a long swig, practically draining the glass. “I just think that…”
I raise my eyebrows at him.
He takes a deep breath. “I think Kirby might be cheating on me.”
I start coughing on Coca Cola. Holy shit. This is bad news. “Um,” I say. “That doesn’t sound like… you know, something that Kirby would do. Do you have any evidence?”
“No.” He runs a hand through his shaggy blond hair. “It’s probably stupid but… it’s just this feeling I get.”
“What do you mean?”
He shakes his head. “When we were on FaceTime together for the last month or so, she seemed like she couldn’t wait to get off the phone. She always seemed distracted. But I thought it was just a distance thing. Except now…”
“Now?”
Ted heaves a sigh. “She wouldn’t have sex with me last night.”
Christ. I don’t need to hear this shit. “Oh.”
“She made up some excuse about being tired.” He snorts. “We haven’t seen each other in months and she’s too tired? You kidding me? I was the one who’d just traveled across the whole fucking country.”
“Yeah.” I try to hide how happy I am that Kirby wouldn’t fuck Ted last night, even though it’s inevitable.
“I don’t know, Johnny.” He sighs and takes another drink of his beer. “It’s just a feeling I get. That’s all.”
“I’m sure you’re wrong,” I say. Which is the truth. Well, sort of. “She’s probably just stressed about the wedding. You know how girls are about that wedding shit.”
Ted nods. “Maybe you’re right. I know she’s been planning everything the last few months and I haven’t exactly been helping.”
“You should take her out tonight somewhere she’d really like,” I suggest around a lump in my throat. “I’m sure you can make everything better.”
I know that I’m right. The only reason Kirby has any feelings for me is because she’s been missing Ted for the last few months. Now that he’s back, I’m sure he’ll easily win back her affections. Ted is good at that.
“Yeah, I think I’ll do that,” he says. The old Ted grins up at me. “Where do you think I should take her tonight?”
I think for a minute. “Oh, I know! I was reading that the Angelika is showing Plan Nine From Outer Space. You know, the worst movie of all time?”
The worst movie of all time—how can you go wrong? Kirby would love that. I only feel bad that I can’t go. I know it would be really fun.
Except Ted doesn’t seem enthused about the idea. In fact, he’s just staring at me across the table, a weird look on his face.
“What?” I say.
“Plan Nine From Outer Space,” he says quietly. “That’s the same dumb movie Kirby said she wanted to see when I asked her what she’d like to do tonight. She was all excited about it.” He pauses. “The same way you are.”
“Oh,” I say.
Ted looks at me in a way that is unnerving me. I shift my weight in my chair and my left shoulder burns.
“John,” he says.
Ted almost never calls me “John.” Ever since we were kids, it’s always been Johnny. Everyone who’s known me before I was ten calls me Johnny, like my mom and Ted, and everyone else calls me John because I decided it was too babyish when I got to middle school. Hearing him say my name like that freaks the shit out of me.
“Yeah?” I say.
He stares at me so hard that I have to look away. All I can think right now is that he knows. He knows that I was kissing his fiancée only two hours earlier. He knows I love her. That I’d do anything for her. Even convince her to marry him.
“Never mind,” he finally says.
My shoulders sag. He doesn’t know. He couldn’t. He’d never in a million years think that Kirby or anyone would want me over him. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around too.
Chapter 44: Kirby
I hate John.
No, that’s not entirely true. But I’m done with loving him. It’s obvious that it’s not going to get me anywhere. Maybe someday, when I’m married to Ted and this is all distant history, he and I can be friends again. Because I really loved being around him.
I try to forget about him by baking. As soon as I get home from his apartment, I start a batch of lemon cupcakes with raspberry frosting. I have a powder that I mix into the batter that gives the lemon cupcakes a sour zing, and they’ve always been a favorite of mine. Sour is one of my favorite tastes.
I fill up two tins for a total of twenty-four cupcakes. I don’t know what I’m going to do with that many cupcakes. I suppose we can sell them at a discount as baked goods from the day before.
I empty fresh raspberries into the buttercream frosting base. In my opinion, raspberries are the best berry. And their tartness goes so perfectly with the sour lemon. I blend it all together in a bowl, and take a taste with my finger, knowing that means I can’t sell them at the bakery. It tastes so good. I could eat a whole bowl of frosting.
It reminds of that day John and I played Cupcake Wars.
I don’t have any more cupcake tins, so I try to replicate some of Minnie’s infamous scones. I’ve got white chocolate chips, so apparently, I’m making white chocolate chip scones. I mix the batter, trying not to let my mind wander, focusing instead on the growing aroma of lemon in the kitchen. But it’s hard. John is still haunting me.
I’ve never met anyone like John Yang before. The sarcasm that drove me crazy when I first met him is now something I love about him. I love his smile. I love his eyes. I’ve never met anyone who loves to do all the same things that I love—it’s almost like we share the same mind. And while he doesn’t love to bake the way I do, he loves to eat my cupcakes.
And he’s so freaking sexy. I know he doesn’t think he is, but he’s out of his mind. Even though I love doing things with him, lately it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even focus on what we’re doing because all I want is him.
I wish I hadn’t made that comment about loving him on the inside—I should have known he’d take it wrong. I just wanted him to know that the tube coming out of his lower belly didn’t bother me. Yes, it surprised me, but it didn’t change the way I feel. Neither would any other revelation he has about his body. There’s nothing he could show me about himself that would make me desire him less.
It was never that way with Ted. And I realize it never will be. But at the same time, Ted loves me. He wants to be with me. He’s a good man. And he wants to marry me.
I have to be satisfied with that, because it’s obvious that for whatever reason, John will never allow anything to happen between the two of us.
Just as I’m pulling my lemon cupcakes out of the oven and pushing the scones in, I hear my doorbell ring. For a moment, I allow myself to hope that it might be John, but of course, it’s not. It’s Ted. My fiancé
. The person who should be showing up at my door.
Ted looks very handsome in his gray suit with a blue tie that makes his eyes look even bluer. Objectively, Ted is a handsome man. He’s incredibly intelligent and motivated. I couldn’t do any better than marrying someone like him.
“Hey, Kirby,” he says.
I force a smile. “Hey, yourself.”
He pushes past me into my living room. His nose crinkles up. “What’s that smell?”
“Lemon cupcakes,” I say.
“Oh.” He nods. “I hate lemon. The smell makes me nauseous.”
He hates lemon? Who hates lemon? I glance over at the kitchen. “Um, I… I’m not sure what to do to not make them smell.”
Ted loosens his tie with his fingers as he glances meaningfully in the direction of my bedroom. “What if we hid out in there for a while?”
Before I can answer, Ted’s hands are on the sides of my face, pulling me closer to him. He kisses me deeply. It’s a very nice kiss. There’s nothing unpleasant about it at all, and Ted’s aftershave smells just fine. I don’t mind kissing him.
“Okay,” I say. “Let’s go.”
We move in the direction of the bedroom, kissing and groping at each other. Well, Ted is doing most of the groping. I’m just going through the motions. I’m not feeling this at all. I don’t want to have sex with this man who hates lemon and cupcakes and doesn’t want to see the worst movie ever made with me. And his blond hair is much too long. He needs a haircut.
Ted pushes me down on the bed, then rips his shirt off his body. Ted has a decent chest—he doesn’t work out but he’s slim and generally fit. I remember the way John started resisting me when I tried to pull off his shirt, but not before I could get my fingers on his warm abdomen with dark hair on it. John had just the right amount of hair on his chest—not so much that he’s close to an ape, but enough that I didn’t feel like I was going lesbian. It made me want more.
The Best Man Page 18
