Hearts Surrender

by Marianne Evans

  Patiently he waited; he knew Maggie well enough to realize she’d express herself when she was ready.

  “So, the word’s getting out,” she said at last.

  Already starting to realign some financial allocations, Ken looked up from the spreadsheet he studied. “Hmm? Word?”

  Maggie nodded, but chewed on the corner of her lip in a nervous habit of hers. It seemed she wanted very much to say something, but hesitated. Red flag number one lifted up and rippled. “Talk is going on about you. And Kiara.”

  Hello, red flag number two. Ken nearly sighed, but didn’t. After all, gossip was a part of the human condition, and Woodland was far from exempt. “What about me and Kiara?”

  “Well, the trip back was pretty illuminating, I have to say. Some of the kids from the youth group were talking in whispers during the trip home, and…”

  The sentence trailed off, but Ken easily polished it off. Maggie and her husband had overheard. Amy, who had witnessed the kiss with Kiara, hadn’t been able to resist the siren call of informing her friends about what had happened in the woods. The intent wasn’t malicious or mean-spirited at all. Ken knew that without question. Still, Amy had figuratively spilled the beans about him and Kiara. From there, he felt sure a few friends had told a few more friends, until before long the eyes and ears of the Woodland Church community would rest upon their comings and goings—every look, touch, and communication.

  Stemming from simple curiosity, the scrutiny would be harmless for the most part, but unnerving nonetheless.

  Then, Maggie blew that piece of naïveté to bits. “Isn’t she a little…I don’t know…high-brow…for the kind of life you lead, Ken?”

  “What?” Astounded by her unexpected and brazen comment, he could only stammer his way across the word.

  “Look, don’t get me wrong, I adore Kiara—she’s been a God-send to Woodland, but she’s hardly a staid, calming influence. And she’s so different from Barb.”

  “Yes, she is, but that fact has no bearing on anything. That’s not good or bad. A large part of what draws me to her is the fact that she’s lively. She has passion and drive. She’s spirited. She’s also—and I can say this with one hundred percent conviction after spending an entire week on mission with her—completely devoted to her relationship with Woodland, and with God. What more would a person need?”

  “Ken, I don’t mean to offend. It’s just that I can’t see her settling for—” Maggie coughed quick and performed a fast edit of her words. “—settling into a life with a pastor. Honestly. Can you? I don’t want her to hurt you, and I don’t want her hurt either. It doesn’t quite gel for me.”

  “Well fortunately, you’re not the one it needs to gel for. Furthermore, this discussion of my life, and Kiara’s, is now bordering on inappropriate.”

  Her eyes went wide. “Funny. I thought I was talking to a friend right now. I thought I was talking to someone who’s been with me through good times and bad—and vice versa, for well over a decade now. I’m not talking to a pastor. I’m talking to the man I’ve known, who’s been a friend to me, ever since he walked in the door. We’ve always had each other’s backs.”

  He nodded. “True. But never once have we tried to tell one another what was right or wrong in our lives.”

  She regarded Ken in silence for a time, her lips a tight line. He could almost see the wheels turning—responses forming and vanishing. “Just be careful. Understandably, losing Barb put you in a spiral. In a completely different way, I worry that Kiara could do the very same thing.”

  In a ruffled, hot silence, they turned to leave the conference table. Ken’s gaze traveled to the office doorway. That’s when he heard Maggie draw a sharp breath, and he nearly dropped his paper-stuffed file folder.

  Kiara stood framed in the threshold, an envelope in hand. Her expression was smooth, but her eyes were veiled. How much had she heard? Ken’s chest felt constricted and his heart pounded.

  “Ken, I have a delivery from Collin. Daveny gave it to me at work today. It’s for the council meeting next week.” She stepped inside as graceful as a movie star, gave him the envelope without missing a beat and even offered up a smile to Maggie. “How are you?”

  “I’m good. Recovering, finally.” Maggie’s answer was friendly and warm, but she shuffled from foot to foot. All Ken wanted to do was fold Kiara into a tight hug. Other than slightly heightened skin, Kiara gave no indication whatsoever of having heard a word that had been exchanged.

  Just looking at her, though, and knowing her the way he did, Ken didn’t doubt she had heard the conversation. And if she hadn’t heard all of it, she had heard more than enough to be upset—though in stalwart fashion, she hid that fact well. Ken realized he was probably one of the few who knew just how easily, and just how well, she could mask the hurt of being degraded.

  “Returning to normal sleep patterns is a good thing, isn’t it?” Kiara remarked with an almost too-bright tone. “Well, I’ll see you both on Sunday. G’night, guys.”

  Turning away, her body language typically graceful and smooth, she left, but her pace was a bit quicker than Ken would have expected under normal circumstances.

  “Maggie, I’ll talk to you later.”

  He moved in haste and didn’t stop until he caught up with Kiara. She had already made it to her car, and was currently wrestling with an un-giving door handle. He moved in fast behind her and slid his hands against hers until she went still. She didn’t look at him. He maneuvered her grasp away from the door handle and she froze in place. She squeezed her hands into fists.

  “Come inside,” he beckoned quietly. “Talk to me.”

  She did a good job of shrugging off his urging touch against her back, resuming her battle with a key fob that wouldn’t unlock her door, and a door handle that refused to open. He felt like saying, Kiara, sweetheart, take the hint.

  This time he took hold of both her hands and turned her fully away from the car. “Please come back inside.”

  “Don’t, Ken. Not right now.”

  “Yes, now. Period. Come with me.”

  On the way in, they crossed paths with Maggie who was just leaving. Maggie issued a quick goodnight, and scurried to her car. Kiara sighed. “It sure didn’t take long, now did it? I don’t know why I feel angry at Maggie. Her heart’s in the right place, even if her words stung. I have to give her snaps for being brave enough to say what everyone else is going to be thinking.”

  Heat boiled through his blood. “Don’t do this Kiara. Don’t get all wrapped up in other people. That’s a pattern you need to break, isn’t it?” She turned her head and glared at him. Ken pressed on, undeterred. “It’s hard enough venturing into a new relationship under the best of circumstances, but…”

  “But what?” Her barking retort, her blazing eyes left something inside him crumbling. Into those fissures and cracks came demons, lapping up his anxieties and doubts and fertilizing them deeply.

  They finally reached the sanctuary of his office. Ken shut the door and turned, facing her eye to eye. This was a matter they needed to resolve. Now.

  “How much did you overhear?”

  She pretended to ponder for a moment, tilting her head and pursing her lips. “I believe it started with something to the effect of me being a bit…what was the phrase? High-brow to ever settle for a life with a pastor.”

  With that, the worst-case scenario came to be. She had heard it all, a silent witness to someone knocking them down at a most fragile and vulnerable point in time.

  He sighed heavily and sat on the front edge of his desk. He leaned forward, clasping his hands between his legs, inching as near to Kiara as he dared. She stood, stiff and apart from him, her arms folded protectively against her midsection.

  He started to reach out, wanting to eliminate the distance between them, but she backed away a step. That riled his anger. “Kiara, do you think you’re the only one who suffers from self-doubts here?”

  “What do you mean by that? Are you lending
credence to what Maggie had to say?”

  Ken blew out a breath. After that came a pounding, redolent silence. “The point can be made that, that you and I…that elements of, of…”

  “Out with it,” she demanded. “Respect me enough to come clean. What’s at the bottom of this, Ken? Tell me.”

  “OK.” He paused, and looked at her steadily. “First of all, realize something important. Maggie wasn’t criticizing you. She wasn’t judging you. She was looking at a mix. A mix of your life with mine. I admit it. I’ve asked myself lately, what do I bring to you? How does my world enhance yours? My life is modest. Simple. It’s fulfilling to me, it’s rewarding, and I treasure every moment of it, but I’m not meant to embrace the grand scale in ways that you have, in ways that you transformed yourself in order to find. How can I compete? How can I fulfill the part of your soul that longs for so much more than I can give?” This time he took hold of her hands and squeezed tight. “That’s not a criticism, by the way. It’s part of who you are. It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re charming, you sparkle and you possess such vitality. But will we be right? Would you be happy? The only life I know is that of a pastor. A missionary. Is that your calling? Is it what’s meant to be for you?”

  By the end of Ken’s speech, her eyes had filled, sparkling with tears. Her hands went limp and lifeless in his. Then, tears fell, and he felt powerless to do anything but go silent, and stare. Meanwhile, she watched him right back.

  He had hurt her. Badly. A blade slid neat and deep against his heart. She swiped away the moisture, murmuring, “I understand. I get it.” Her lips trembled. She firmed her jaw, but a pair of tears became a glimmering track against her fair, flawless skin. Kiara turned away by a fraction and pressed her fingertips against the bridge of her nose. “But I always thought actions spoke louder than words. I thought I had come so far, and shown you how much…”

  At that point, her words ceased and she made a low, frustrated sound in her throat. When she looked into Ken’s eyes, her pain transformed the blade cut into sharp, sizzling heat.

  “What you just said,” she whispered, “It confirms the worst fears I ever entertained about my feelings for you. And that rips my heart to pieces, Ken. I let myself believe. But I’ll tell you what else,” she continued, her voice now strong and steady despite the telling line of moisture shimmering on her cheeks. “I’ve grown. And I’ve changed.” Ken moved to automatically cut in and agree with her. She sliced that action short with an abrupt motion of her hand and plowed ahead. “When we were in Pennsylvania, you told me you have faith in me. You told me you believe in me. Well do you, or don’t you? You asked me to find out who I am. You urged me to become the best possible version of myself. Well that’s what I’ve done. That’s what I’m going to continue to do, no matter what. Not for you, not for me, but for the person I want to be before God. What you’re saying right now is hurtful. It cuts away at that foundation I’m building, but I won’t let it hurt me anymore. Maybe that’s something else I needed to learn—that I have to fight for what I want, and who I am, and who I want to be. Well, don’t ever get in the way of that again. I deserve better, and now I won’t accept anything less.” She straightened and looked at him with narrowed eyes. Strength of conviction rolled off her in waves, creating a God-made masterpiece, a formidable woman, inside and out. “Talk to me again once you’ve sorted that out.”

  Chin up, her eyes now blinked clear, Kiara spun, striding out of his office before he could even begin to recover from the staggering blow of hurt he had unwittingly inflicted—on both of them.

  Hearts Surrender: Woodland Series

  15

  “Hey, Ken. These are for you, from Amy. She dropped them by the office the other day.” The Parish Council meeting was about to begin. Maggie Voorhees approached in the posture of one who sought to make amends, with caution and penitence. Like a peace offering, she handed him an envelope full of photos.

  “Thanks, Maggie.” He capped the words with a warm smile, hoping to reestablish comfort. She had been an ace in the office, as usual, but since the episode with Kiara, she had avoided prolonged conversations, which was highly unusual for the two of them. He felt grateful for forward progress.

  With Maggie, anyhow. Kiara remained a different, and difficult, matter all together.

  He had a minute to spare before the meeting was called to order. Curious, he lifted the flap and inside found a neatly printed note from Amy:

  Hi, Pastor Ken! I hope you like these. I think they came out pretty good! There are two sets—one for you, and one for Kiara. Can you please give them to her? You’ll probably see her before I do. Thanks, and I’ll see you in church! Amy

  His lips quirked and his heart filled. It seemed Maggie wasn’t the only one wanting to reaffirm friendship and care.

  Members of the council took their seats. As people settled in, Ken shuffled through the pictures. A group shot taken on the last day rested on top, an instant source of bittersweet nostalgia. He missed…

  Kiara.

  He missed seeing her daily. He missed the passion and intensity they poured into the mission, and into discovering each other. Why did that realization leave him so conflicted? The love he felt for her was genuine, so why did the arguments he had made to her days ago still resound? Had he, without ever consciously meaning to, led her on? On one hand, was he ready for a deep-seated relationship? On the other, could he exist in happiness any longer without her?

  He didn’t think so. The more time that passed without her, the more his entire being seemed to ache, consumed by need and emptiness. Somehow, he had bungled and fallen. Somehow, he had refused delivery on a gift from God Himself. Kiara filled him. Ken couldn’t escape that truth.

  Still, there was a flip side he had to explore and resolve. Maggie had observed Kiara’s vibrancy and enchanting charm. The statement was true, but guilt came into play whenever he considered the fact that while Barb’s life had drifted away from him, Kiara’s had swirled inexorably toward, pushing him into life and away from grief. Kiara inspired feelings he feared to face because even now, two years after Barb’s death, entertaining the idea of a full and loving relationship with Kiara felt like a betrayal. Ken hadn’t lied when he told Kiara he longed for much more time with Barb than they had been given. But his responses to Kiara—in body, heart and spirit—weren’t a lie, either.

  Despite the tumult, Kiara filled him with hope; her essence and life slid against his senses, enticed his soul to a place so beautiful it defied description.

  Ken cleared his throat of a sudden tightness and kept thumbing through the images, continuing to drift away from reality. Now he studied a shot of Kiara and the kids, all in a row, securing landscape borders, then planting flowers and shrubs. Interior shots came after that. There was one of Ken perched on a ladder with a paint roller in hand, surrounded by members of the youth group. Then there was another of a crew of teens and contractors installing drywall and cabinetry.

  The final two shots, however, commanded his total focus. First, a picture of him and Kiara. They wore large smiles, their arms around each other. Behind them stood the refurbished home of Casey Kidwell.

  The last image featured the two of them on a wooden bench by the lake. Before them crackled a vibrant campfire. Kids encircled the dancing flames and dusk painted the photo in hues of rich blue. Kiara’s legs were tucked beneath her, her body turned toward Ken’s. In the photograph, he looked away from her, watching Tyler who could be seen strumming his beloved guitar.

  What captured Ken about this moment in time was the way Kiara looked at him. Her eyes were unguarded, the dawn of a smile just beginning to curve her lips. Affection well beyond the superficial, and unseen by Ken at the time, telegraphed straight from the image to his heart.

  A woman so beautiful, so full of magnetism, looked at him like that? Ken’s world rolled over neatly then wobbled slowly back into place. He separated the two pictures, studying them for a few seconds longer before setting them
on top of the pack. They were awesome.

  “Ken? Ah—Ken…” Collin’s summons broke through Ken’s fog-veiled mind. Ken snapped to attention and Collin waited for a moment, until he realized Ken was completely lost. “Are you ready to deliver the opening prayer?”

  “Yes. Absolutely. I’m sorry for being distracted.”

  Ken tucked the photos beneath his agenda folder. The meeting moved forward from there and he paid much closer attention. Collin, however, kept tabs. He sent a couple covert glances Ken’s way as Woodland’s governing body hashed out church business.

  Afterward Collin hung back while Ken exchanged good-byes and some final comments with those who departed. Curious about why Collin remained seated and made slow work of gathering paperwork, Ken bussed the table, depositing napkins and Styrofoam cups into a nearby trash can.

  At last Collin stood. He took Ken by surprise when he asked, “You in the mood for a beer?”

  Ken stopped his cleaning duties to look at him. “I could be talked into it—so long as I don’t end up getting in trouble with Daveny.”

  Collin grinned. “I sent her a text right after we adjourned. Jeffrey’s sound asleep so I’m in the clear for an hour or so. Does Grissom’s Pub sound good?”

  Ken nodded. “Done. I didn’t get dinner. I’m starving.”

  ****

  A Wednesday edition of Sports Center played in the background. Ken followed Collin to a table toward the rear of Grissom’s where they could talk at reasonable decibels yet at the same time monitor the latest news from the NFL. Ken ordered the house special—burger, fries and a brew. Collin followed suit.

  “Those were some great pictures,” Collin commented right off the bat. “Especially the ones of you and Kiara at the end. Tell me about the trip.”

  Uh-oh. I’m in for it. Disconnected from his surroundings at the start of the Parish Council meeting, Ken hadn’t realized until now just how close Collin had been watching.