how high because you were sitting down and you say my legs
and she asks you if he touched your bermuda shorts and you
say yes and she asks you if he took them o ff and you think she
is trying to trick you because you were at the movies and how
could someone take your bermuda shorts o ff at the movies and
she asks you if he touched under the bermuda shorts and she
wants to know what he touched you with and it was dark and
you couldn't see and you don’t know what he touched you
with or how many hands he had but she doesn’t ask you that
and afterwards sometimes you think he was from outer space
because people from earth have two hands and when you
make a drawing o f him with crayons or pastels you draw a
stick man with a big face and big hands, lots o f hands, and
sometimes you make another hand in the sky coming down
and you never tell that you are drawing him and you say that
he rubbed you with something inside your legs, no, not there,
higher up, and she cries, your beautiful mother cries, with her
long hair, with her black hair down to her shoulders, and her
cotton summer dress with flowers on it from when she was
young, she cries and she sits across from you and she holds
your hands in hers and you feel so sorry because you always do
something wrong and make her angry or sad and this was a
special day when she let you go to the movies by yourself for
the first time because you said you were mature enough and
she let you wear black and you made her cry so you say
momma I’m sorry momma nothing happened m om ma
nothing happened he didn’t hurt me momma I’m fine m omma
honest m omma nothing happened it didn’t m omma honest
nothing; and she says “ pregnant” something; and I am
punished, in m y room, put alone in m y room and not allowed
to come out and she doesn’t like me anymore, and I cry, I am
going to cry until I get old, I am crying for God to see, I am
afraid the man will come again because he came from nowhere
the first time and he disappeared into thin air and if he is from
outer space he can go anywhere or maybe he followed me like
they do on television and I couldn’t see him because he hid
behind trees and cars and God would know if he had followed
me and maybe God could stop him from finding m y room or
it could be like when someone is killed on television and you
think he is dead and then it gets all quiet and he isn’t dead and
he attacks again with a knife or a gun or he is real strong and it
is real quiet but suddenly he appears from nowhere so I cry but
I keep m y eye on the door so I will be alert in case he is just
pretending to be gone but really he sneaked inside the house
and he is ju st waiting or he could come in the w indow ; and
something hurts me like when you fall down and scrape your
knees and the skin is all scraped o ff and it is all bloody and has
cuts in it and dirt in it and your mother cleans it o ff and puts
iodine on it and says it w o n ’t hurt but it burns and she puts a
bandage on it; something hurts somewhere where he rubbed
but I don’t look because I’m afraid and I keep m y hands away
because I don’t want m y hands to touch me and I don’t want to
touch anywhere in m y legs because I’m afraid; and I couldn’t
say something was hurting because I didn’t know if something
was hurting or not or where it was because maybe I was
making it up because it hurt like a scraped knee but it hurt
somewhere that didn’t exist. I wanted God to see me crying so
He would know and it would count. I asked God if there were
men from outer space on earth because He knew if there was
life on other planets but He didn’t answer me; and I knew there
weren’t but I knew He could have made them if He wanted to
and I knew people only had two hands and I didn’t know how
many hands this man had and I couldn’t figure it out no matter
how much I tried because if he was rubbing in some places
how could he be rubbing in so many places and I couldn’t
count how many places and if he was from outer space he
could come into my room now through the air or anytime
from nowhere. I wanted God to tell me the truth because I was
afraid. I was trying to tell God I was hurt because I thought
God should know and let me stay in m y room and keep the
man away and I wanted to stay in my room a long time, until I
got old, and I wanted God to keep my mother away because
she didn’t like me anymore and I didn’t want to take o ff my
bermuda shorts or show her any more and I didn’t want her to
look at me anymore, and I thought God should know I needed
Him and where was He? I thought maybe the man wasn’t a
bad man because they said nothing happened after all and I
looked grown up so how could he know I was just a child and I
wasn’t sure if he thought I was a child or not because I did look
very grown up and act very grown up but I told him I was a
child and he should go away but I said it in a very grown-up
way. I cried because they said nothing happened and because I
didn’t know if the man knew I was a child and I cried because I
wanted God to know something had happened and I was a
child and I wanted God to say w hy it was less bad if I wasn’t a
child because I was still the same me if I was or if I wasn’t. And
for the first time I didn’t want to be grown up because all the
adults said it was less bad. I cried because I didn’t see how it
could be less bad; and if I grew up were men going to be
putting themselves on me in movies only it wouldn’t be bad
because I wouldn’t be a child anymore. I cried because God
was busy somewhere else and didn’t come and if I cried He
w ould know I was hurting so much somewhere that didn't
exist and He could find it because He lived somewhere that
didn’t exist and He would know what I meant even if I
couldn’t say it and I w ouldn’t have to point here and here and
here and so I kept crying in case He didn’t know yet that He
should be coming to me now even though people were sick
and hungry all over and He had to see them too. I used to talk
to God, especially when m y mother was sick and in the
hospital and m y daddy had to be w orking so hard all day and
all night and God would be pretty near me, in the same room,
near me, and I wanted to know things like w hy anyone had to
die or be poor or starve in China, and if China was real or ju st a
story adults made up, and w hy colored people were treated so
bad, and w hy so many Jew s were dead; and I can’t remember
what He said but I always thought someday I would
understand if I kept trying to pin Him down and maybe I
could convince Him not to have things be so bad; and I had
complicated discussions with Him about w hy He made things
the w ay He did, because I didn’t think He did it right, and I
wanted to be a scholar when I grew up and write things about
what God meant and intended
and He would listen to m y
questions and arguments but the adults wouldn’t; and I heard
Him inside m y head, and it was like He was in the room, but it
was never scary and it always made me peaceful even though I
thought He hadn’t done things completely right and I would get
calmed down and quiet even when I had been begging Him to let
m y mother get better or at least not die. I talked to Him a lot
when m y mother was in the hospital for an operation that might
kill her and they told me she might die right then and I had a high
fever and appendicitis and a rash and the adults told me I had to
tell her over the phone that I was all right because she must not
w orry and die and I knew it was wrong to lie, especially because
she might die right then or that night or the next day,
and my last words to her would be lies, and I wanted to cry to
her, but the adults said I wasn’t allowed, and it didn’t matter if
God said it was wrong to lie if adults said you had to lie because
you had to do what adults said not what God said. Y ou had to
be careful not to tell anyone you talked with God because they
might think you were crazy and you had to make sure n ob od y.
heard you talking to Him and you had to remember not to tell
the doctor. They told you to believe in Him and you were
supposed to pray and they sent you to Hebrew School and you
had to go to the children’s services where girls weren’t allowed
to do anything anyway but He wasn’t supposed to talk to you.
He talked to Moses and Abraham but you were just Andrea
from Camden even though Abraham had just been a boy
herding sheep when he figured out there was one God. He had
been staring up in the sky trying to think about God and he
thought God was the moon but the moon disappeared when
night was over and then he thought God was the sun but the
sun disappeared when the day was over and then he figured
out God had to be there all the time so He couldn’t be the sun
or the moon or any king because they died or any idol because
you could break it and you weren’t so different from Abraham
before he grew up. Except that you didn’t understand how he
knew God couldn’t be air because air is everywhere all the time
and the teacher didn’t know but they never say they don’t
know, they just make you feel stupid for asking something.
Y ou were supposed to pray but you couldn’t lead the prayers
because you were a girl and you couldn’t read from the Torah
so a whole bunch o f boys who were a lot stupider than you got
to do all the important things and you weren’t supposed to
argue with God although the rabbis did it all the time but you
were a girl and you weren’t allowed to be a rabbi anyw ay and
all the rabbis who argued with Him were dead anyway and
none o f the rabbis you ever saw or heard who were alive ever
argued with God at all. Y ou thought they just didn’t care
enough but they kept telling you rules and what you had to do
and what you couldn’t do and how to grow up and what to
think but you knew that the dead rabbis couldn’t have been
like them and hadn’t just learned rules and so sometimes you
would write arguments in the margins o f books just like the
great rabbis because you wanted to make commentaries like
they did but you weren’t supposed to write in any holy book
even if it was for children so you would have to hide your
writings and you would have to try to argue with God out
loud in person but hiding it but mostly you would talk with
God when you were crying for your mother or had had a big
fight with her or if you were very scared. I had a big fight with
God when I learned in Hebrew School that women couldn’t
go into the Tem ple when they had their periods because I got
mine when I was nine, I was an adult when I went to the
movies alone in the Bible, and it had hurt so terrible, so bad,
and still did every month, and I couldn’t think when anyone
would need God more, and how could He keep me aw ay and
say aw ful things like that I was unclean when He gave you the
thing. We were studying Leviticus and I was in class and I was
angry with the teacher who sat slumped over the book and
told me what God had said which I could see for m yself N o
one else was upset but maybe they hadn’t gotten their periods
yet and the teacher never would and he could go into the
Tem ple all the time, the whole month, all slumped over and
stupid. When I had it out with God I tried to explain over and
over that I really was sincere and w hy would He want to keep
someone sincere like me out o f the Tem ple and there w asn’t
any good answer that I could figure out except that it w asn’t
sincerity God was looking for; He wanted people w ho didn’t
bleed so w hy had He made you bleed; and you thought that
having a baby would be even worse and hurt even more and
He said you were even more unclean and had to stay out even
longer but you could solve that by not having a baby. And if
you had a baby you would have nine months when you could
go into the Temple and make God happy but when it got real
bad and you needed Him you couldn’t go because once it got
really bad and blood came you were unclean. I thought
women should have their babies in the Temple where God
was because it might hurt less. The teacher said you had to
accept things you didn’t understand and God didn’t have to be
fair but if God wasn’t who would be and how would they
know how? The teacher said that when he went to dinner in
people’s houses he would take a book out o f the people’s
bookcases and blow dust o ff it to show the wife the books
weren’t clean and how lazy and dirty she was. He said the
books were always dusty because women were lazy and didn’t
take care o f their husbands’ books. I didn’t understand w hy it
wasn’t rude to blow dust o ff someone’s books and make them
feel bad and I couldn’t understand how she could stand it after
she had made him dinner and been real nice. But he just
laughed and said women were unclean and he had just proved
it. I asked him if his books were dusty and he said his wife
cleaned them and he blew on them. I didn’t go to God with the
problem o f the books and the dust but I didn’t think it was fair
either. I asked my mother and she said he was my teacher and I
should listen to him but I decided not to anymore. N o w I had
another problem on my mind. Why was what the man did less
bad if I wasn’t a child? If I was a grown-up and went to the
movies and wanted to see the movie, w hy would it be less bad
if the man stopped me and if he scared me and if I had to run
away and i f he hurt me and if he made me cry and i f I didn’t
want him sitting next to me and whispering or anything. I
wanted to know if God thought it was less bad; and I hated the
adults for saying it was less bad. I wanted to know where God
was when the man was there and
w hy God didn’t make the
man go away. I wanted to know if God was there too. The
Hebrew School teachers said God knows everything and can
do anything and H e’s always there, everywhere. I believed He
could do anything and knew everything but I didn’t think He
was always there because too many bad things happened and if
He was there they couldn’t ju st happen; how could they? I f I
see someone do something bad I’m not supposed to ju st
watch. M om m a says call the police or an adult. H ow could He
be in the movies with me when the man came? He w ouldn’t
even come to m y room after because He knew all about it and
felt ashamed for making such a horrible man. I knew He could
do anything and made us all so w hy did He make that man?
Was God there like the teachers kept saying and the rabbis kept
saying and did He look or was He looking somewhere else
because He could have turned to look somewhere else because
it didn’t take so long and time for God must be different and it
must have been just a small minute for Him to turn away. O r if
He had to go to India or somewhere maybe He w asn’t there. I
sort o f thought He was there but I couldn’t believe that H e’d
ju st sit and watch because that w ouldn’t be right and God has
to do things that are right. M aybe He turned aw ay but maybe
He was there. M aybe He looked. I thought He was there, I
didn’t feel alone, but I couldn’t stand to think He had ju st
looked so I stopped thinking it but the only w ay I could stop
thinking it was to think that probably God didn’t exist anyw ay
and was only a superstition and there was no God the same
w ay there were no space creatures. I lectured m yself that I was
a child and I was going to grow up even though I didn’t want
to anym ore and someday I would understand w hy it was less
bad if I w asn’t a child unless the adults were just lying, because
adults lie a lot to children I had found out. M aybe they were
lying about God too and maybe there wasn’t one. I sort o f
thought God had been there though. The theater was em pty
but it didn’t feel em pty and there’s a special kind o f dark that
Mercy Page 2
