“She felt the same for him.”
“I know. I liked being around them. It was always a lesson in how a relationship should work, you know?”
Since I was failing at my first attempt at a relationship, I couldn’t offer him an opinion. “She’s going to miss him.”
Van nodded, draining the cup of coffee he was carrying. “She will. And as sad as that is, it’s a testament to the love they shared. We should all be lucky enough to have someone miss us when we’re gone.”
Then, as if he said too much, he turned and walked away, his long stride carrying him fast.
Becca stepped beside me. “Are you all right, Reid?”
I glanced down at her, offering her a tight smile. “I’m fine. It’s Sandy who needs our help.”
She frowned, edging closer. “I know you spent a lot of time with him. Sandy said Max was very fond of you.” She indicated the guys behind Sandy, watching over her. “She said he was fond of all of her adopted boys.”
“He was very kind. He never judged me. I appreciated his company.”
She slipped her hand into mine. “It’s okay for you to grieve, Reid.”
I swallowed and looked away. “I’m fine.”
She sighed. “You keep saying that. You’re fine. We’re fine. Everything is fine. I think I hate that word.”
I was at a loss how to respond to Becca. Another week had gone by without being alone with her. Without touching her. I missed her easy company and gentle spirit. I missed her body and the deep sense of belonging I had when we were together intimately. I wanted hours to be with her. To talk and laugh. To make love to her. To be us. But Sandy took priority, and Becca understood that.
At least, I thought she did.
“Now isn’t the time to talk about it,” I murmured.
Her hand dropped from mine. “Will there ever be a good time for you?”
I faced her, keeping my voice low. “What does that mean?”
Our gazes locked. Her eyes filled with sadness and confusion. “I know something is going on in your head, Reid. It’s been messing with you since the launch, and now you’re burying it along with your grief. You’re using it to push me away.”
I shook my head. “No. I’m trying to help Sandy. She needs me.”
“Of course she does. She needs all of you. But Bentley, Aiden, and Maddox are still going home to their partners and talking to them. You’ve completely shut me out. Your door is closed at the office, you don’t respond to my texts, and you walk right past my building when you leave Sandy’s at night.”
I frowned. “What?”
“I saw you twice. You went right past me. You could have stopped. Even if all you wanted to do was talk, I would have been there for you.” She cupped my cheek. “I wanted to be there for you, but you refuse to let me.”
I stared at her, silent and tongue-tied, my emotions and fears at war in my head.
She shook her head and stepped back. “You’re right. It’s not the place. But Reid, you need to find the place and the words.” A tear slid down her cheek. “Or I might not keep waiting.”
She slipped through the crowd, walking away from me without a backward glance.
And I let her.
* * *
I handed Sandy a cup of tea, the steam carrying the scent of bergamot into the air. She accepted it with an absent smile of thanks. I sat across from her, sipping my cup. I wasn’t big on tea, but I didn’t mind the occasional cup, and Sandy preferred it to coffee.
Glancing around, I grimaced at all the arrangements in the room. Despite the fact that the obituary asked for donations to the MS Society in lieu of flowers, they had arrived daily. The funeral home sent a vast amount of them to various nursing homes and hospitals to add some brightness to those places.
Aaron had left to return to Ottawa, with plans to come back next week. Jennifer had only stayed for the funeral, leaving for Europe the same day, anxious to return to her life. Colin was back at work in the busy ER, having taken most of the week off to be with Sandy.
Bentley, Aiden, and Maddox were at home, after spending the bulk of the day with Sandy. I worked then came to spend the evening with Sandy. Neither of us had eaten much of the casserole someone had brought for dinner, but at least I got her to eat a little.
“This is the hard part,” she mused.
“What?”
She set down her tea, pulling a shawl around her shoulders. With her hair down and free of makeup, she looked younger than her years, despite the exhaustion on her face.
“We had a long time to prepare for this, but I still wasn’t ready. Max always thought the MS would kill him before anything else.” She sighed. “In many ways, he would have preferred it happen this way. He dreaded thinking his body would wither away, leaving him trapped.”
I shifted in my chair, my throat tight.
“People gather when someone dies. They hover and check, make sure the spouse or child is being taken care of, then after the funeral, they go back to their lives, and that person has to learn to live again.” She pulled her legs to her chest, linking her arms around them.
I cleared my throat. “You’re not alone, Sandy. We won’t let you be.”
She shook her head. “No, Reid. You can’t babysit me all the time. It’s part of the process. I have to learn to live again. It will take me a while, but I will do it.”
“I’m here. We all are—anything you need.”
“I know, and I’m fortunate. I never had kids of my own, but I have you boys, and my grandkids—especially Colin. You all bring me so much joy. I consider myself fortunate.” She was silent for a minute, playing with the fringe on her shawl. “I have been very lucky. I have a job I love, people I care about. My marriage was the greatest blessing. I loved Max so much, and he was crazy about me. Right from the moment we met—it was instant. We had a wonderful life together. Not perfect, but no one’s life is. I have so many amazing memories.”
She leaned her cheek on her hands, studying me. “That’s what life is, Reid. Building memories. One sweet moment at a time. You build and store them. They help bolster you when you need them.”
All I could do was nod. I had no words to offer.
“Right before I got the call, I asked you something.”
“We don’t have to talk about that right now.”
“Yes, we do. I know you’re struggling, Reid.”
“It’s not important, Sandy. You’re the one I’m worried about.”
She smiled sadly. “I’m grieving for the life I have lost. For the love that I will miss every day. What you’re doing is far more painful to watch.”
“What I’m doing? I’m n-not doing anything,” I sputtered.
“You’re shutting down. You’re throwing away the chance of a lifetime. You’re letting your doubts and worries dictate your actions.”
My body froze. “What?”
She unfurled her legs and leaned forward. “I know you, Reid. I see you pulling away from Becca. I know why.”
“How?” I choked out.
She chuckled, the sound actually real and amused. “You forget who I am. I see everything that happens in the office. Bentley, Aiden, even Maddox, tell me what’s going on. I know about your passport, your record, even your worries about buying a home.” She threw up her hands. “Those are problems, Reid. Issues. Problems can be solved. Issues overcome. You have friends who will help you. But letting them become bigger than they are, and deciding they dictate your life instead of dealing with them?” She shook her head. “That’s what you’re doing.”
“I—”
She interrupted me. “Do you think Max and I had an easy time of it? Everyone shunned us. Mocked us. Treated him like shit at the hospital for the longest time. People called me every name in the book—all because he was older and divorced. But we loved each other. That was all that mattered. We had each other. We made our life together.”
I remained silent.
“Becca is the perfect girl for you. Yo
u’re already in love with her. You’re simply too scared to admit it.”
“I don’t want to limit her life because of my past.”
“You don’t want to risk your pride in case she says no,” Sandy informed me, sat back, and crossed her arms. “Love is worth the risk, Reid. With the right person, it’s worth everything.”
“Maybe I’m not the right person for her. She deserves so much better than me.”
“Right. She deserves someone who isn’t kind, thoughtful, smart, and would adore her for the rest of her life? Who would put her first?” She snorted. “Get over yourself, Reid. For someone as smart as you, you are being shortsighted. Nothing is insurmountable. Ask for help. Let people in.” She drew in a deep breath. “Allow yourself to feel, Reid. The good and the bad.”
Emotion choked my throat and filled my eyes. I stood so fast, my chair tilted, hitting the floor with a dull thud. “I should go. You’re tired.”
She stood and faced me, challenging. “You haven’t cried for Max.”
“Neither have you,” I shot back. Horrified at my words, I grabbed her hand. “Sandy, I’m sorry—I didn’t mean . . .”
“You’re right, I haven’t.”
“Why?”
“Because to cry means it’s real. Max is gone. He won’t kiss me goodnight anymore and call me darling. He won’t tease me about my boys or wake me with sweet kisses.” Her voice wavered. “He won’t be here to hold my hand when there’s a storm and tell me everything is fine. He won’t love me endlessly, because he has ended. The life we shared has ended.”
I could only stare.
“Max’s biggest regret was that we never had children. He’d had a vasectomy because his first wife didn’t want any more children. He tried to have it reversed, but it didn’t work. We tried to adopt, but because of his age, we weren’t approved.” She tilted her head, studying me. “I wish they had given me you, Reid. I would have surrounded you with love no matter how much you cried and screamed.” A tear slid down her face. “I would have shown you how much you deserved to be loved then. Just like you do now.”
That broke me. I wrapped her in my arms and wept. She cried with me, both of us sharing pain no one else would understand. Her tears soaked into my shirt, and mine ran down her neck. Somehow, they helped relieve the ache I hadn’t been able to get rid of for days.
She kissed my head. “I found my kids with you boys. All of you. Bentley, Aiden, and Maddox filled a place in my heart that was empty.” She kissed me again. “And you completed it, Reid.”
I lifted my head, and she wiped my face, her expression gentle. “Don’t let love pass you by because you’re scared or because of the what-ifs, Reid. Grab it. Live it. Life is too short for that sort of regret.”
“I don’t know what to do, Sandy.”
“Yes, you do, my boy. What you have done since I met you. Be honest. Talk to Becca. Tell her your fears and what is holding you back. Let her be part of the decision. Part of loving someone is letting her see you. All of you.”
She shook my shoulders. “Before it’s too late, Reid. Tomorrow is not a guarantee. All we have is now. Remember that.”
I lifted her hand to my mouth and kissed the knuckles. “I’m supposed to be looking after you. Not the other way around.”
She shook her head. “No, you’ve done enough. You all have. In fact, I need some time alone to think. To remember. To figure out my next step.”
“You’re not leaving BAM, are you?” I asked. The thought made me anxious.
“And leave the four of you on your own?” She smirked. “The place would shut down in a month.”
I had to laugh. She was right. A week without her and we were all floundering.
“No. I’ll be back next week. I need something other than these walls around me. I need to find my new reality, but BAM is still a part of it. A big part.” She winked. “Don’t tell Bentley, but I’d be lost without them too.”
“Your secret is safe with me.”
She held out her arms. “Give me a hug, and go home, Reid. Or even better, go see Becca. Let her in.”
I hugged her tight, feeling both grateful and sad. “I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“You have to,” she replied, still hugging me. “It’s what I want.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
She pulled back, cupping my face. “Yes. Be brave. Cherish what you have. Be happy.”
Becca
The constant sound of the rain hitting my window would normally soothe me, but tonight, there was no soothing.
I had never met Max, but yesterday at the funeral, it was obvious many held him in high regard. Seeing Sandy so broken and vulnerable had shaken me. She was always in control—fearless and direct. All the men of BAM had hovered over her, worried and desperate to help, but unable to give her what she needed because her husband was gone.
I blinked away the tears forming in my eyes. All I could see was Reid. His stark loneliness that was so evident in a room full of people. Bentley, Aiden, and Maddox all sought out and stayed by their respective partners. Reaching out to clasp their hands or tucking them close as they watched over Sandy—drawing strength from their presence, allowing them to share in their grief.
Reid stood apart, not talking, not showing emotion, and not knowing what to do. He added more bricks to the wall he was recreating around himself, shutting out his friends, his emotions, and me.
Especially me.
Whatever had occurred—whatever words flipped that switch in his head, I couldn’t fight. The rare moments he would allow himself to relax, to smile and murmur something sweet or funny had ceased totally since the weekend of the launch.
It felt as if he was as lost to me as Max was to Sandy.
I tried to talk to him at the funeral and again today in the office. But my texts went unanswered, and his door remained closed, even when I knocked. I left early, dejected, unsure, and wondering if I had made the biggest mistake of my life coming to Toronto and becoming involved with Reid.
Richard and Katy had warned me of the downfalls of having a relationship in the office. I hadn’t listened to them—instead, only hearing my heart, which told me they were wrong. Reid was different. We were different.
I hadn’t expected his withdrawal when faced with a difficult situation. I knew his past figured in all of this, but how, I didn’t know, and he refused to say.
With a sigh, I went to the kitchen and poured a glass of wine. My dinner sat, untouched, on the stove, the pasta not temping my appetite in the slightest.
A sharp knock at my door startled me. I reached for my phone, grateful for the security system Reid had installed. I had a neighbor down the hall who loved to “drop in” for a chat and stay for hours, and tonight I was in no mood to deal with her babble. I tapped the screen, expecting to see her face, shocked when, instead, I saw Reid. He stood, head bowed, hands clutching the doorframe as if it were the only thing holding him up. His jacket was wet, his hair plastered to his head. I set down the phone and made my way to the door, opening it.
Reid lifted his head, his expression devastated—pain, fear, and need rolled off him like a tidal wave.
He swallowed, and his voice was rough when he spoke. “I-I didn’t know if you would answer your door.”
“Why are you here, Reid?”
“I-I need you, Becca.”
My heart shattered as I spoke. “I can’t just be the girl you turn to when you need something. It hurts too much.”
“That’s not what you are.”
“What am I?”
Water ran down his face. I didn’t know if it was the rain or tears. His eyes blinked, cleared, and became glossy again.
“My future.”
* * *
I grabbed a towel and blanket from the linen closet, and returned to the living room. After his one-word-changed-my-life statement, I had led Reid to the sofa and made him pull off his wet jacket and sneakers. I removed his socks and wrapped his feet in a blanket
. His toes were almost blue from the cold, leading me to wonder how long he’d been walking in the rain.
He sat on the sofa, perched on the edge, his hands clasped and head bent. Briskly, I toweled his wet hair.
“You need another trim.”
He looked up, his hazel eyes filled with a new emotion. “Would you cut it?”
“If you want.”
“I want.”
“Okay. Now lose your shirt and pants.”
A glimmer of a smirk tugged his lips. “Shouldn’t we talk first, BB?”
I shook my head. “You’re soaking wet, Reid. You need to take off your clothes before you catch cold. You can wrap this blanket around you, and I’ll toss them in the dryer.” I cupped his face. “We are going to talk. By that, I mean you are going to talk, and I’m going to listen. Understand me?”
His large hands covered mine, and he turned his head, kissing one palm, then the other. “Yes.”
He stood and removed his wet clothes.
I watched him, appreciating his build. He was lean and strong, his skin stretched taut over his muscles, sexy and appealing. His big hands made short work of the buttons and zippers, his long fingers nimble. Thinking about the way he used his body and those fingers to bring me pleasure, I had to avert my eyes before I made the mistake of tackling him to the sofa and fucking him before we talked.
I hoped that would happen afterward.
I threw the wet bundle into the dryer and carried a hot cup of coffee to Reid. He wrapped his hands around the mug and sipped the steaming liquid. A shiver ran through his body.
“Thank you. I needed that.”
I sipped my wine, letting him warm. “How long were you walking in the rain?”
He ran a hand over his face. “What time is it?”
“Almost nine thirty.”
“A little over an hour, I guess.” He met my gaze and shrugged. “I needed to find my courage to come and see you.”
“Well, here you are.”
Tentatively, he reached for my hand, playing with my fingers. He lifted it to his mouth, kissed the palm, and pressed it to his face. “Yes, I am. And you’re here.” His voice sounded thick. “God, I needed you to be here.”
Vested Interest Box Set Books 4-7 Page 17
