She shook her head. “I lashed out at you because it was easier than to face my own guilt. That’s unfair to you.”
“You feel guilty for lying with me?”
“I felt guilty when I was confronted with the possibility of exposure and knowing it could cost me my son.”
He wrapped his arms around her. “I’m still working to get information on Montclief, and all we have to do is ensure that Justin stays out of trouble. And I do believe he is past that.” He handed her his handkerchief.
“We also have to be careful with our relationship,” Laura said, “because Montclief will use it against me, and if rumors spread, it will hurt my family. My father is a vicar. I cannot bring shame on my family.”
“First of all, never show your guilt. It’s like playing cards and inadvertently showing your hand. If rumors spread, ignore them if possible and deny them if necessary.”
“You make it sound so easy,” she said.
“Laura, let’s sit for a while.”
She joined him on the sofa. “I had intended to tell you how wonderful you were last night to acknowledge my late husband. You must know how much that meant to me.”
“I know that you loved him, and I also know that it couldn’t have been easy to watch him grow ill.”
“It occurs to me that you may have firsthand knowledge of it.”
His jaw worked. “No.”
She looked into his eyes, her question unspoken.
“I was at university when they grew ill, and I wasn’t allowed to see them because I was the heir.”
Chill bumps erupted on her arms. She did her best to control her reaction for his sake. She had no words to describe how much she ached for his sorrow. Instead, she took his hand and held it. He squeezed her hand, letting her know without words that he understood the way she’d meant to convey her sympathy for him.
He looked at her. “I’m sorry for what happened at the theater, but I’m not sorry for last night. Most of all, I’m glad I met you and Justin. You may not wish to hear this, but I will say it anyway. I will never forget last night.”
“Given your rakehell reputation, I find that a bit difficult to believe.”
“Do you think I don’t care about you? I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. And, yes, I care about your son as well.”
“You say that, but you insist that our relationship must end with the season. That sounds like a fair-weather friend to me.”
He let out a loud sigh. “It has nothing to do with you. I know what I’m capable of and what I’m not.” He inhaled, knowing that his next words would be hard to admit. “I think a long-forgotten part of me has…come back since I met you and Justin. That’s as much as I can explain.”
Her eyes softened. She took his hand. “It might help if you talk about it.”
He shook his head. “I can’t.”
“You have given us so much already. I am glad to hear that you have found a part of you that was lost. I will not pry, but if ever you wish to talk about the past, you do have a friend who is willing to listen without judgment.”
“Thank you.”
“You are a good man. Well, you have your faults.”
He laughed.
“You are entirely too authoritative and think that you are the only one who can resolve a problem.”
“I can’t help it. I see a problem, and I fix it.”
She laughed. “But you don’t let others do for themselves. You are constantly giving orders to Reed when he is my servant.”
“Ah, but you are equally guilty of trying to do for your son.”
“Well, then, I suppose it is a draw,” she said. “We are both flawed like the rest of the world.”
“I had better go.”
They both rose. He kissed her hand and quit the drawing room. As he walked down the stairs, that hollow feeling in his chest returned. He’d managed to control the bleakness by shoving everything so far back into his mind that he couldn’t retrieve it. But he’d done something stupid, something he ought to have known would bring it all back.
He had re-created a family.
Chapter Thirteen
One week later
Early in the afternoon, Laura took the mail upstairs to the drawing room and settled on the sofa. While she imagined Lady Rentworth had spread gossip after seeing her in the foyer, Laura had decided to take Bell’s advice and act as if nothing was amiss. It was the best way to counteract it.
She felt restored after her conversation with Bellingham, but she had not seen him since that night. He’d sent a note saying he had urgent business out of London. He’d told her to contact Harry or Colin in the event of an emergency, but all had gone well.
She would not dwell on people who wished her ill. Instead, she would focus on her new friends from the society for the orphans. They would call today in order to discuss the total amount of the donations. She was gratified that so many had made contributions, and she also looked forward to seeing her friends. They were genuine people with no artifice or malice, unlike Lady Rentworth, whom Laura decided was beneath her notice.
Justin walked into the drawing room. “Mama, I got a missive from Sarah. All of our friends decided to brave the rain and play cards at Lady Norcliffe’s home. May I take the carriage?”
“I don’t suppose you’ll melt in the rain,” Laura said. “You have my permission.”
“Thank you,” he said.
“Sarah seems like a very nice young lady.”
“She is,” Justin said. “I like her very much.”
“I’m very glad for you, and it seems you’ve made new friends.”
“Real friends,” he said.
“Whatever happened to George?” Laura asked.
Justin shrugged. “I heard that he banged up his curricle badly one night.”
Laura figured he probably had been drinking.
“Paul is done with George, too,” Justin said.
“I’m glad to hear that he is no longer under George’s influence.”
“Well, I’m off now.”
“Enjoy the card party,” Laura said.
“I’ll be home for supper,” he said.
Twenty minutes later, the rain came down hard. Laura walked to the window where it sheeted against the wavy glass. The gloomy weather dampened her already-low spirits. She missed Andrew. His absence reminded her that in the not-so-distant future they would part forever. She ached just thinking about the day that she would have to tell him good-bye. With all of her heart, she wished that he would not make that break permanent. The distance between their homes was formidable, but there was no reason they couldn’t write to one another.
But she knew what would happen if he agreed to correspond. At first, the letters would come regularly, but over time, they would arrive less frequently. She would wait anxiously for them, and then one day, he would stop writing altogether. He would move on with his life and take a new lover. Her life in Hampshire would resume as if this season had never happened.
She turned away from the window, determined to shed her melancholy thoughts, but the dreary weather made it a little difficult. The ladies of the orphan society were supposed to meet at her town house today, but the rain was gusting now. Laura wouldn’t blame them if they chose to remain indoors.
She needed to occupy herself, so she retrieved her sewing basket. When she saw the handkerchief she’d embroidered for Andrew, she decided to give it to him the day they said good-bye. For now, she would resume embroidering the gown for the infant Mary would give birth to this summer.
Thirty minutes later, the thunder and gusting rain subsided quite a bit. Laura looked out the window and saw carriages arriving. Her heart gladdened because her friends weren’t letting a bit of English rain keep them at home. She rang the bell and requested a tea tray. Her spirits rose. She was fortunate to have made wonderful new friends and to make a difference in the lives of the orphan children.
Two hours and many cups of tea later, Laura thanked all of the
members of their society for their efforts. The donations had been exceedingly generous. She thanked the ladies again as they drifted out of her drawing room, and then she turned to Lady Atherton. “Will you stay for a little while?”
“Of course,” she said.
They sat on the sofa and Laura turned to her friend. “I am gratified to know that we’ve accomplished something worthwhile for the orphans. Unfortunately, we cannot give them parents.”
“Dear, every philanthropic effort starts somewhere. We may not be able to provide the children with mothers, but the donations should make a real difference in their lives.”
“Very true,” Laura said.
“How is Justin?” Lady Atherton said.
“He’s fond of Sarah, and he’s made other friends as well.”
“Well, it’s a good thing he’s no longer under the influence of George.”
“I agree to a point, but Justin is old enough to make the right decisions. Like all of us, he has to take responsibility for his actions.” She smiled at Lady Atherton. “When the season ends, I would be honored if you would consent to visit my home in Hampshire. I’m quite sure that my mother and father would be delighted to make your acquaintance. And, of course, all my siblings. Do say you will consider it.”
“Well, I would be delighted.”
“Good. We have a plan for the summer, but meanwhile we must take advantage of the shopping. I had my doubts about London when first I came here, but as soon as I saw the shops, I fell in love.”
Lady Atherton laughed. “But what of Bellingham?”
“What do you mean?” Laura asked.
“You know very well what I mean.”
She mustn’t let on how much she dreaded the day they parted. “We will go our separate ways, and I will hold wonderful memories of him.”
“What of Justin? He has benefited from Bellingham’s influence. Surely you do not wish to disappoint him. He does need a role model.”
“My father and brothers can provide that for him as needed when we return home. It will also eliminate Montclief’s threats. Once we’re home, Montclief will leave us in peace, the same way he has done for several years. He has his own brood to worry about and will not trouble us any longer.”
Lady Atherton stared at her as if horrified. “You will leave Bellingham even though it is clear that you are in love with him?”
Laura laced her fingers. “He likes me as a friend, but he does not return those feelings.” The admission left her with a hollow feeling in her chest. She loved him with all of her heart, but there was no future for them.
“Have you lost your mind?” Lady Atherton said. “Don’t let him slip away.”
She met her friend’s gaze. “He made it clear that our friendship would end with the close of the season.”
Lady Atherton raised her brows. “And you think there is nothing you can do to change his mind? I assure you it can be done.”
“You know his history. Nothing has changed. I do not know why he is so adamant about remaining a bachelor, but it is his decision. And even if he decided to marry, I can’t give him children.”
“You do not know that for certain, and furthermore, since he has said he doesn’t want a family, you have no reason for concern.”
“He made his wishes very clear to me.”
“You would give up so easily on a man who dotes on you and your son? He does, you know, whether he says so or not. No man spends that much time with a woman unless he is halfway to falling in love.”
Drat it all, she didn’t want to tear up. “Halfway isn’t enough.”
“Oh, my dear. Here is a handkerchief.”
“I’ve turned into a watering pot,” she said.
“It’s understandable when you’re crossed in love,” she said, “but truly if you love him, do what you must to make this work.”
“A one-sided love would be miserable. When Phillip declared his love, I had no doubts about his feelings for me, and he knew that I loved him dearly,” Laura said. “Early in our marriage, he told me that I had made a bad bargain with an old man. I told him never to utter those words again. They were an insult to me. He apologized afterward. Phillip felt guilty and frustrated.” She drew in a breath. “I would never say this to anyone except you, my dear friend, but he felt unmanned in the latter part of our marriage.”
“Well, you were young and never conceived. I assumed he became impotent when his illness progressed.”
Laura bit her lip.
“I do not believe you are barren,” Lady Atherton said. “And you must not let that dictate your future. You don’t know that to be the case. Frankly, I suspect your poor husband was responsible. It makes more sense.”
She wanted a child with all of her heart, but the likelihood seemed very remote.
Lady Atherton remained silent for a moment. Then she looked at Laura. “I know you loved Phillip, but he would want you to find happiness with a good husband. The second love of your life is within your grasp. Do not walk away from Bellingham. I truly believe he loves you, even if he is too pigheaded to admit it.”
“He promised that he would be available to Justin and me until the season ended. I heard the finality in his voice.”
Lady Atherton had listened with her finger over her lips as if to stifle the urge to respond. She set her hand on her lap and said, “You are the first woman Bellingham has seriously expressed interest in. He needs you, Laura. If there is any woman who can break through to him, it is you.”
“I will consider what you’ve said, since you have asked, but at this point, I have no expectation that anything will change.”
“Foolishness,” Lady Atherton said. “The young make mistakes because they think only in terms of the present. You are not looking down the road where you will be gray and kicking yourself for not taking a chance because you are afraid. Pride will not comfort you when you are alone. I have plenty of regrets, and every last one of them involved my unwillingness to take a risk, because I let fear overrule me. But the one thing I did not do was let the love of my life slip away. I was a mere girl when I refused to marry a marquis. You can imagine the pressure my parents exerted over me, but I would not do it. I waited for the man I loved, and he was worth the wait. You will only be this young once. Don’t let love pass you by.”
“I will remember your advice,” Laura said.
“But will you take it?” Lady Atherton said.
“I think it is in his hands, not mine.”
“Mark my words. It is in your power. You may have to swallow your pride, but the worst that can happen is that you try and fail.” Lady Atherton paused. “I have spoken my mind. Promise me you will give what I have said serious thought.”
“I promise,” she said.
“Now, we had better put on our party smiles.”
Laura frowned. “What?”
“You forgot,” Lady Atherton said. “Little wonder after all the turmoil. The Duchess of Wycoff is holding a card party. I know you accepted, because we discussed it and you sent an affirmative.”
“Oh, dear,” Laura said. “I don’t feel up to entertainment this evening.”
“Well, I don’t wish to go alone,” Lady Atherton said. “I think you should attend, as it will take your mind off your problems.”
“I daresay I will be poor company,” she said, “but I will not let you down. To be honest, I am concerned that Lady Rentworth’s gossip will make me the subject of avid stares.”
“Staying home will make it worse,” Lady Atherton said. “The trick is to act as if nothing is awry. That way you put doubts upon the tittle-tattle. At any rate, no one cares for Lady Rentworth.”
Her advice was essentially the same as Bellingham’s. “Well, I shall not be a coward, and you are right. If I say home, I will only dwell on things that will not be resolved tonight.”
“That’s the spirit,” Lady Atherton said. “The cards will not be the amusement. Everyone will be on pins and needles to see what mischief will brew b
etween Colin and Angeline, but I have heard they are both always on their best behavior when their family is watching.”
“Oh, I forgot that Angeline is the daughter of the Duke and Duchess of Wycoff. I will play cards and enjoy the company.” She sounded braver than she felt.
Lady Atherton touched her hand. “My dear, I know you well. You have listened to my advice, but I suspect pride will keep you from taking it.”
“You are a dear friend, and so is he.”
Lady Atherton rolled her eyes. “I will say nothing on that score, as I’m sure you will refute it. I will take you in my carriage tonight. Wear something especially pretty. It will make you feel confident, although I daresay you would look elegant in a sack.”
“I certainly would turn heads if I wore a sack,” Laura said.
“It is too bad Bellingham is out of town. If he attended, you could flirt and make him jealous.”
She laughed. “I would never do such a thing,” she said. “At any rate, if he truly wishes to win my affections, he will have to work at it.”
Lady Atherton clapped her hands. “Brava.”
Laura took a deep breath and told herself that no one at the card party would stand up and point an accusing finger at her. She would take the advice that Bellingham and Lady Atherton had given her. She would pretend that nothing had ever occurred at the theater. After all, Lady Rentworth had no proof of anything, but Laura remembered Bellingham telling her that what mattered in society was the perception, not the truth. While that worried her to a degree, she allowed that anyone would be a little apprehensive. Once she arrived and mingled with the other guests, she would be able to relax. If Lady Rentworth happened to attend, Laura would ignore her.
When her maid set the silver bandeau with the sapphire in her hair, Laura wondered if it was too much for a card party. But it was a beautiful hairpiece, and she knew she would never have an occasion to wear it in Hampshire. Her friends and family would think she had become haughty and full of herself if she wore it at a village assembly.
She padded over to the long, cheval mirror and regarded her reflection. The blue gown with the sheer overskirt looked very well in the candlelight. The blond lace on the bodice and hem was lovely and did not overwhelm the gown. She was glad that she would attend with Lady Atherton. In a very short time, she’d benefited from her friend’s wisdom. The one point of divergence pertained to Bellingham, but she did not resent Lady Atherton for making her appeal.
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