She looked at him. “What happened all those years ago when your family passed away?”
“I told you part of it previously. The doctor’s latest report sounded dire for the first time. Their previous ones had sounded serious but hopeful. Until that moment, I did not understand how bad it was. I was young and scared. All I wanted was oblivion. I went to the room of an acquaintance, and I drank a lot of gin. I was roaring drunk and passed out on a sofa.” He drew in a breath. “At dawn, I practically crawled back to my room. I don’t recall anything until I heard loud banging on my door. When I opened it, the officials at the university said they had been searching for me the night before and couldn’t find me. A coach was waiting.” He paused. “They said I must rush home, because my parents and my brother had taken a bad turn. I had not seen them for two years. When I got home, I saw the straw at the door.”
He leaned forward and stared at the carpet. “I was too late.”
She set her hand on his arm. “That is why you feel guilty.”
“I fell on my knees on the straw. I must have shouted out, because the door opened. My father’s friend led me inside. There were three doctors. They tried to give me laudanum. I threw it on the floor.” He swallowed hard. “I was furious with the doctors for not telling me the truth earlier. I blamed them, because I had not seen my mother, father, and brother for two years.” He gritted his teeth. “They said it was for the best, because I was the heir.”
Laura’s heart ached for him. Now she understood why he’d never wanted to marry and have a family. “You did not have a chance to say good-bye.”
“I was so numb I didn’t know what to do. I think I was in disbelief. Then the coroner came, and all of a sudden, I felt as if I were suffocating. The doctors feared that I had become ill, but it was a reaction to the sudden shock. That same evening, my friends Will and Fordham came to the town house. I had thrown everyone else out, save the servants. My friends knew I was in bad shape, so they took me to Fordham’s rooms. They plied me with brandy, because they did not know what else to do. They sat with me and did not leave me. I have no idea how much time went by before all the grief welled up in me. I wept, horrible sobbing cries for so long that I lost my voice.
“By the time I returned to England, I was a shell of my former self. You know the rest. My raking and the women. I didn’t want to feel anything. I hated it when people asked why I’d been gone so long. I despised the lurid curiosity. I especially hated the stupid things they would say, that it was God’s will or it was their time. I refused to speak about any of it. Anyone who even dared to mention my family got the cut direct. I wanted to forget, but I can’t. I have nightmares where I relive that day. I never know when they will strike.” He sat back and looked at her. “I can never escape it.”
“You had no time to prepare for their deaths,” she said. “Losing all of your family was a cruel blow. The doctors probably thought they were doing the right thing by shielding you, but your anger was understandable. You had no family to surround you in your time of grief, but you had friends who cared and made sure you were not alone.”
“I don’t know how I would have gone on without them,” he said.
“I will tell you from my own experience that even knowing that the end is near, there is still shock when a loved one passes. I, too, felt numb at first, and then I kept encountering reminders of Phillip. It was the mundane items—a comb, a quizzing glass, a shaving brush—that tore my heart to pieces. The hardest part for me isn’t the memories. It’s that the sound of his voice has faded.”
She took his hand. “I understand your guilt. I felt guilty, too. More than once when Phillip was in pain and being obstinate, I cut up at him. After he died, I cried because I ought to have been more understanding.” She took a deep breath and let it out. “I know you feel that you failed your family, but given the circumstances, you could not have known.
“I think the reason you feel there is no resolution is because you had no chance to see them again. I may be wrong, but I know this much, for I have observed it firsthand.” She blinked back the tears. “A part of your father lives within you. From the beginning, you knew how to manage Justin. While I believe I could have nipped his rebellion on my own, I was always grateful for your advice and for the time you took to be the male role model he desperately needed.”
He put his arms around her and hugged her hard. “Thank you.”
When he released her, the clock struck midnight. “It is late,” she said.
“Laura, you said there is something important you must tell me.”
She hesitated. It would be so hard to tell him. One more day would make no difference. “We are both emotionally drained. Tomorrow would be better.”
His brows drew together. “Why are you procrastinating?”
“It is not something you will welcome.” She was afraid, but she could no longer delay.
“You are leaving,” he said.
“There is no longer a reason to stay. I plan to take Justin home to Hampshire as soon as transportation can be arranged.”
“I insist on taking you back to London.”
“I appreciate your offer, but I need to go home.”
“Come back to London with me,” he said. “I never took you to the opera.”
“I can’t,” she said.
“Of course you can. I want to spend as much time with you as possible before I leave on my journey.”
Her heart beat hard. He had a right to know. “There is something else I have to tell you, but I’m not sure this is the right time.”
“There usually is no right time. Something is wrong. You have not been yourself since the moment we arrived here. At first I thought it was Montclief, but obviously that is not what troubles you now.”
Her nerves got the best of her, but she had to tell him. She couldn’t even imagine his reaction, but the longer she waited, the harder it would be. “I…I am not barren.”
He frowned. “What?”
She’d said it all wrong, because she was nervous. “Do you remember the night I told you there was very little chance that I would c-conceive?”
His lips parted. He said nothing for a full minute.
Her heart drummed in her ears. I’m so sorry. I know you don’t want this.
“What are you saying?”
“I’m with child,” she whispered.
He stared at her as if he were in shock. “Are you certain? You have not seen a doctor. You didn’t conceive during your marriage.”
“I have all of the signs.” She gripped her hands so he wouldn’t see them tremble.
He shook his head slowly. “It was only the one time that I…”
“I could submit to an examination, but I…I am sure of it,” she said.
“Laura, I will send for a doctor tomorrow.”
“No, I don’t want Justin to worry that I’m ill. He took it so hard when Phillip died.”
“I will tell him that you were feeling nauseous, but it’s nothing to worry about.” He raked his hand through his hair. “God, I never expected this.”
“Neither did I.”
“Don’t worry. If you are pregnant, I will get a special license.”
Misery welled up in her chest. She thought about that bright sunny day when Phillip had taken her for a walk and got down on one knee. He’d told her that he loved her and couldn’t live without her.
“Laura, if you are increasing, I will take care of you and our child.”
She looked at her lap.
“I know it’s not what either of us wanted,” he said, “but let’s not assume the worst. We will get the verdict from the doctor tomorrow.”
He’d referred to their child as the worst possible outcome. She blinked back tears. He didn’t even know that his words had cut her heart to pieces.
“Don’t worry. I won’t abandon you.”
“You have plans to journey with your friends.”
“Laura, I can see that you’re overset, with g
ood reason, but you could be worrying for nothing.”
“You don’t want to marry.”
“I know you never planned on marriage, either, but try not to worry.”
Her words had blown back in her face, and now she couldn’t take them back.
“One step at a time,” he said. “Tomorrow we will know one way or the other.”
She didn’t need a doctor to tell her what she already knew.
He squeezed her hand. “I suspect that your symptoms might well be the consequence of vexation. You’ve had ample reason to worry about Montclief, but your son is safe now.”
She knew that wasn’t the case, but he was denying the possibility because he didn’t want to face the consequences. Neither did she.
Bell paced his study. He’d told Colin and Harry to take Justin fishing. His friends had looked at him curiously, but they’d asked no questions. They knew him well enough to understand that something was awry.
Half an hour ago, the young doctor had arrived. Bell told him he thought his wife was with child. Last night, he’d remained calm for her sake, but he’d tossed and turned for hours. He’d told himself that it was unlikely she was pregnant. After all, she’d never conceived during her marriage. But her husband had been elderly, and she’d confessed that he thought his health was returning when he’d proposed to her.
He’d told himself that it was unlikely she would conceive because of her irregular cycles and because he’d only come inside her once. But even if it wasn’t probable, it was possible.
He knew nothing about the signs of pregnancy, but thinking back, he recalled Laura’s ever-present fatigue. Damn it all to hell. No wonder Laura had been acting oddly. She’d probably been scared witless.
Someone knocked on the door, startling him. He took a deep breath. “Enter,” he said.
The doctor walked inside, carrying a bag and smiling. “Congratulations, my lord. You will be a father by winter.”
His heart thudded in his chest.
“The approximate date is uncertain. Your wife’s cycles are irregular, so it’s a bit hard to determine. It’s early days yet as far as I can tell.”
He was breathing a little too fast. “She is with child?”
“Yes, and all looks well. The morning sickness usually passes after three months. Plain toast and weak tea when she awakens usually helps.”
“Thank you,” he said in a hoarse voice.
After the doctor left, Bell slowly sat in one of the chairs before his desk. His heart kept thumping. He was going to be a father. His chest tightened. He had to do his duty by her and the child.
He remembered that tiny gown she’d been embroidering for her sister. He’d told her she seemed like the sort who liked infants. She’d looked a little sad when she’d told him she was barren.
Sheer terror gripped him. He recalled the brute force of the pain when he’d lost his family. He’d decided never to wed because he couldn’t bear to love someone only to lose them again. God help him. He’d relived that horrific day countless times in nightmares.
But he couldn’t abandon Laura and the child. He had to overcome the fear, because she needed him. The unborn child needed him. He had to do what was right, because he wasn’t the only one who was scared.
A knock sounded. He walked over to the door as if he were in a fog. When he opened it, Laura stood there. Her face was pale. “Come in,” he said.
He led her to one of the chairs and sat beside her. “Laura, the doctor confirmed your pregnancy.”
She laced her fingers over her flat stomach. “All last night, I thought about what we should do.”
He had to shake off the shock. “I will go to London and get a special license.”
“It will be a marriage of convenience,” she said.
“Laura, don’t worry. I will do my duty by you and the child.”
“How can we forge a happy marriage under these circumstances?”
“We will make the best of it,” he said.
“You are only thinking of the immediate situation.” She looked at him. “But what happens after three months or six months when reality sets in?”
Something hot sizzled inside him. “We don’t have a choice.”
“You would not even commit to a friendship beyond the season,” she said.
His eyes blazed. “What happened to all your words about my being a good role model to your son? Do you think that I would not be a good father to our child?”
“I have thought about this a great deal, but to be fair, I’ve known longer than you what we were facing. And I remembered that you said there would never be a Lady Bellingham. You told me that you will never be a family man.”
“Circumstances changed. I will live up to my responsibilities.”
She looked at him. “Yes, I’m sure you will, and you will resent being tied down in a marriage you never wanted.”
“Damn it, Laura. You never wanted to be tied down, either, but this isn’t about us. It’s about our child. This is not what we planned, but we have a responsibility. What are your real objections? Because I know you haven’t told me what you’re really afraid of.”
“What happens after we marry?” she said. “What happens when you realize that you are trapped into a marriage you never wanted?”
He searched her eyes. “I’m not the one objecting. You are. Now tell me the truth. Why are you so hell-bent on making this more difficult? You know we must marry, and I have promised to do my duty by you and the child.”
Her eyes welled. “I know we must marry. The problem is you view it as a duty.”
“Laura, you know I care about you.”
“I’ve been married, and I will tell you that it takes commitment. Both husband and wife have to be willing to work through the problems during the hard times.”
“You have forgotten the commitment I made to you and Justin.”
“No, but I also have not forgotten the week you stayed away because you were getting in a bit deep, to use your words.”
“So you retract your forgiveness, Laura?”
She winced. “No.”
“Then for God’s sake, tell me why you are putting us through this misery?”
“Because I don’t know how we can sustain a marriage when you don’t love me.”
He went to his room and ordered his valet to pack a valise. First thing tomorrow, he would take a carriage to London and procure the special license. Then he went downstairs for luncheon. Everyone else was already seated at the table. Laura met his gaze and then lowered her eyes.
He took his place at the head of the table. “I have an urgent business matter in London. I must leave early tomorrow. I will return soon. Please feel free to stay.”
Harry and Colin exchanged glances. Then Colin cleared his throat. “We should probably return as well.”
Bell shook his head. “Stay. When I return, I will share news with you.”
No one said much during the meal. They hadn’t missed the charged atmosphere.
After luncheon ended, Bell approached Laura. “I wish to speak to you in my study.”
She nodded and took his arm.
He led her inside. “I will procure the license in London. When I return, we will marry. I imagine you wish to invite your family.”
“I am to blame for all of this,” she said. “I have burdened you with my problems and put you in an untenable position. You must regret that you ever met me.”
“No, Laura. I only regret that I have said and done things that led to this impasse. We will be forever bound by the child we have created. When I return, we will discuss how we will go on. We can choose to live in animosity or we can choose to work through our differences. I hope it is the latter, because I only ever wanted to make you happy. Now I don’t know if that is possible.”
“We have lived in each other’s pockets. I think the time apart will allow us both to reflect and gain perspective of all that has happened. I said things that were unfair, because I was frighten
ed. But you are right. We are bound by our child, and we must find a way to create harmony between us.”
Chapter Nineteen
Five days later
Laura sat in the drawing room with Lady Atherton, who was embroidering a tiny gown for Laura’s baby. “Bellingham will return tomorrow with the special license. Have you decided what you will wear?”
She felt a pang in her heart. “Yes, I will wear the blue gown with the sheer overskirt and a bonnet with silk flowers.”
“My dear, why are you so unhappy? He is a good man, and he adores you.”
“I love him dearly, but I don’t know how we can find happiness when he does not return my feelings. I will always feel the pain.”
“Did you tell him that you love him?”
She hesitated. “I told him that I didn’t know how we could sustain a marriage when he doesn’t love me.”
“Oh, dear heaven,” Lady Atherton said. “He may not have said the words, but he has shown his love for you repeatedly. Look at everything he has done.”
“Do not mistake me. I am grateful to him, but he has never declared tender feelings. The most he has offered is friendship—and now marriage because of the child.”
Lady Atherton set her embroidery aside. “Men do not communicate with words. They demonstrate their feelings. When a woman lets her man know that he is the only one in the world she could ever want, he feels he can declare his feelings.”
Laura frowned. “Phillip—”
“Is gone,” Lady Atherton said. “You must not compare them. Can you imagine if Bellingham compared you to other women? How would you feel?”
“I never openly said it to him,” Laura said. “But he did say in a jovial way that he worried that he couldn’t compare to my quote ‘sainted husband.’”
“Laura, you are pushing him away because you are afraid that he doesn’t love you, and in doing so, you are undermining your marriage before it even starts. He is every bit as vulnerable as you are, but he’s a man, and he won’t admit it. I want you to promise me when he walks through the door that you will greet him with open arms. Tell him that you missed him terribly, because I know you have. And then take him upstairs and tell him you love him and cannot live without him. Trust me. He will reciprocate in kind.”
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