by Violet Paige
“Garrett, we will talk. I love you.”
I hung up and trudged into the building. The women in here counted on me to help them and right now I didn’t know how to help my own brother.
8
I didn’t have the energy to make dinner or even order pizza. Greer texted that she had another late night at the Capitol and was going to spend what was left of it with Preston.
I couldn’t blame her. If I’d had someone, I’d do the same thing.
I made it to the top floor, kicked off my shoes, and flopped onto the couch. I extended my legs to the end of the cushions, massaging the underside of my calf.
Garrett ignored my calls and my texts all days. I tried twice before I left the office, but his voicemail was full.
I closed my eyes for a second and remembered the brother he used to be. He was three minutes younger. Three full minutes that I used to hold over his head. It was hard to think about him that way anymore. All I could see was the illness. And I hated myself for it. There was more to him than that, but he couldn’t get out of his own way. He wouldn’t accept help. He wouldn’t accept his diagnosis. That’s what it always came back to. He rejected that he was bi-polar and manic. Until he was willing to stick with treatment the vicious cycle would never end.
For tonight he was safe. He was on one of his peaks. He had something he looked forward to. He had an outlet for his art. He had friends. It was what was coming next that worried me.
I peeled myself off the couch to pour a glass of wine.
The bottle glugged as the crimson liquid filled the oversized glasses Greer had bought. I wandered to the deck and stooped to turn on the lights.
The first sob came from my shoulders, but the next one from my stomach.
I tried to simultaneously drink the wine while I cried. It was a pathetic attempt. I just needed something.
I’d never experienced loneliness like I had here. The isolation was unbearable tonight. I dabbed at my tears and tried to take a steady breath. I wanted more wine and walked back to the kitchen.
Garrett made me feel helpless. Part of me resented that about him. He made me unable to act. Kept me from being able to help. Prevented me from doing what he needed. It was twisted and unbearable.
He wasn’t thinking about how he affected Mom or me. We were an afterthought. That part always hurt. He wasn’t my afterthought. But maybe this was the consequence for moving so far away. This was his way of shoving my choices in my face. I couldn’t drive to him. I couldn’t stop him. And we both knew it.
I jumped when I heard my phone ring. I rushed to answer, praying Garrett had finally changed his mind, or at least was ready to talk about his new life plans. I only needed to catch him in a moment of clarity in order to reach him. He would listen to me if only I could tap into the sliver of reason I knew he carried with him. It was still there. He was still there.
“Garrett?”
I jerked the phone to my ear without bothering to check the number. I felt frantic.
“No, it’s Vaughn.”
My chest tightened. “Vaughn? Oh.”
Disappointment crested into confusion. I didn’t know what to say. It had been a week since I had made my one attempt to call him. His call was out of place.
“I guess you were expecting someone else.” His voice had a different weight to it, but I had been crying and nothing sounded the same.
“M-my brother, actually.”
“Everything all right?” he asked.
Nothing was all right. It hadn’t been for a long time. I didn’t think I could hold it together any longer. I was too upset about Garrett to sort through why Vaughn had called at this particular time.
“N-no,” I whispered. “Maybe we could talk another time.”
Whatever the instant connection I had felt to him was, it had unraveled over a week of silence. It couldn’t have meant the same to him as it did to me or I would have heard from him. I knew that much about men.
“Are you home?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Stay where you are. You don’t sound very good. I’m coming over.” His voice was confident and firm.
“You don’t have to do that. I’ll be fine.” I tried to sound stronger than anything that was a reality.
“I do. I wanted to talk to you, anyway. Tell you where I’ve been all week. I’ll be there in a few minutes. Ok?”
I nodded. “Ok.”
Vaughn hung up and I wondered what had prompted the call. What prompted me to let him back in? We had no ties. No commitments, but his sudden absence at the beginning was a clear sign. I hadn’t even mentioned him to Greer. We had one date. A second date was worth dissecting, but no call after a first date was not.
I had a history. A history of going for the wrong guy.
The unavailable and emotionally removed were my type. And no matter how many therapy sessions I attended, or journals I scribbled in, the type didn’t change.
I swore under my breath every time I wouldn’t make the mistake again. I’d assess the red flags from the beginning and if they were there, I’d end it. Somewhere in the past few days when I hadn’t heard from Vaughn I had made that decision.
It was a big city. Other than a phone number I didn’t know where he lived or where he worked. I could go the rest of my life and never see him again.
But he called.
I walked to the bedroom to assess the damage the crying had done to my makeup.
I splashed water on my face and started reapplying concealer and mascara. I stepped out of my suit and changed into a tank top and a pair of yoga pants. I didn’t bother with a bra. I returned to the deck with my glass of wine and sat to wait.
I left the sliding door open. When I heard Vaughn’s knock I paused for a minute. This was a man I had deemed a red flag. But I felt the rush of jitters in my stomach. I walked slowly, unlatched the lock, and opened the door.
“Hi.” He smiled.
“Hi.” I stepped back for him to walk inside. “Glass of wine?” I offered.
“Sounds good.”
He followed me to the deck.
I handed him a glass and he stepped to the edge of the roof, gazing down to the street. “I still can’t get over the fact that you two have this apartment.”
I nodded, guzzling the glass.
Vaughn on the roof did something to me. It was a big open space, but he captivated me in a way that should be a sin. I could think of nothing else than his lips or his strong hands. The way his shirt fitted the contours of his shoulders. I thought I had remembered those details, but something had happened in the past week. I had forgotten how gorgeous he was in person.
“Greer found it. Not me.”
He turned to face me. “The roommate who is never here?”
“That’s her.”
He nodded. “Seems like that would be a good thing. You have the place to yourself most of the time.”
“It can be quiet.” I didn’t want to open up to him about all the things I felt today. How the loneliness almost choked me when I walked into the empty apartment.
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I realize it’s probably a surprise I called or showed up after disappearing for a week.”
I stopped him before he embarrassed me. “You didn’t make any promises or break any plans. You don’t need to apologize.”
He moved closer and I felt the tingles zing through me.
“Actually, I do.”
I didn’t know if I had the energy for this now. It was one more layer of emotion and confusion on top of a heart-wrenching day.
“I was called out of town for work, and I thought I’d be back and be able to call, but it didn’t turn out that way. I was in meetings. The time zone change didn’t help and when I could call I knew you were asleep.”
“Time zone? Where were you?”
“Germany. It was supposed to be a two-day thing but it turned into a full week. I would have emailed, but we never exchanged that. I’m sorry. I feel like a
n ass for not telling you ahead of time. I’m not good with spur of the moment planning.”
I looked into his eyes. “You were in Germany all week?”
He nodded. “Yeah, dick move on my part. After that night at the memorial, I had every intention of asking you out for the weekend. Dinner. A movie. Something. But I was on a plane the next morning at six.”
I crossed my arms, daring myself to accept his excuse.
“When I heard your voice on the phone I thought I just better come over. You didn’t sound like yourself.”
“I-I don’t know, Vaughn. My life is chaos right now. Complete chaos.”
I’d heard stories like this before. It echoed ones of lost cell phones, or grandmothers who had suddenly fallen ill. I didn’t know why he would make it up, I didn’t care. I had to take care of myself.
“I brought you something.” He jogged back inside and returned with a box.
I looked at him, stunned. “What is it?”
“Not much, but I’m hoping you’ll forgive me and let me take you out.”
I peeled back the gold paper and stared at the writing in German on the front of the box.
“Each chocolate is full of a liquor shot,” he explained. “I thought it might be fun. And you like chocolate.”
I stared at him. Was I wrong? Had he actually gone to Germany on an emergency trip? Was I so burned from terrible men that I pegged a good one as bad? Holy shit. My radar had malfunctioned.
“Thank you.” I looked at him. He moved in closer and I stiffened.
Not because I was afraid of him, but because I was afraid of myself. How I reacted when he was near. I was drawn to him. Pulled to him. It was inexplicable and undeniable.
“Vaughn, I-I don’t want you to have to tell me where you go or where you’ve been. We’re not even … it was one date, right?” I tried to back pedal all the things I had thought and felt the week he had been missing.
I didn’t want him to know how often I checked my phone, or looked for him when I was on the Metro. Because that made me sound like a love-struck girl with a high school crush. And nothing about what I felt when I was around him seemed childish or small. That was what was so terrifying. It had felt real and whole in an instant. Faster than anything had before.
“Yeah, it was one date. But I knew there wouldn’t be a second one if I didn’t say something.” He winked.
I knew my resistance was at an all-time low. That small gesture was what I needed. It was the push I wanted to send me into his arms.
He set his wine glass on the ledge, before grabbing my waist and roughly tugging me to his chest.
My eyes lifted to his and his mouth came crashing down on mine. I melted into his hands. His tongue lashed and twisted with a fury I was desperate for. I loved how he nipped and sucked at my lips as he were starving for them. As he craved the way they tasted as much as I craved his.
My hands slid against his neck. My fingers pressed into his skin, absorbing the heat from each touch.
Somewhere along the way he lifted me from the patio and tugged my legs around his hips.
“No roommate tonight?” he whispered.
I shook my head. “No roommate.”
He staggered forward, gripping my ass with his palms and deposited me onto the chaise lounge. My brain turned off and my body turned on.
His body followed, pressing his full weight against me. The kissing burned a fire from my mouth to my throat and behind my ears. His hands traveled over my hips and I bucked instinctively when he rubbed the heel of his palm over the mound between my legs.
It escalated faster than our first night on the roof. He had made me come once before, and it was all I could think about. How his fingers played me to pure pleasure.
I gasped when his hand slipped between the band of my yoga pants and my skin. My back sank into the cushions as he pried between my legs. With one flick over my clit, I closed my eyes, knowing this was everything I needed.
It wasn’t enough for Vaughn. He yanked at the corners of my pants, shirking them over my hips, down my thighs, and onto the floor. His fingers dove under my panties, this time with more freedom to move and play how he wanted.
The kisses came faster as I rocked into his hand.
“I want more than this,” he growled into my neck.
Without hesitation, he slid between my legs, hooking the panties with his thumb and exposing me to the night air. His dark eyes were molten with lust. The kind that looked as if he could eat me alive. I knew he was about to.
His head dipped low between my thighs. His palms shoved my knees out of his way as he plunged the scruff of his face against the most sensitive part of my legs. I whimpered, but he pursued my pleasure, tracing a line between my slit with his finger before sinking it deep inside me.
He pumped in and out, added another finger and then lashed his tongue wildly over my clit.
“Oh God,” I cried, grabbing a fistful of his hair. I pushed his head toward my body just as my body ricocheted with ecstasy.
He sucked as the spiral of darkness canvassed my body. I couldn’t see or hear. Only feel. As the last remnants rippled through me Vaughn kissed the inside of my thigh and looked at me. His gaze lusty and wicked.
I exhaled and let my head fall back onto the chaise.
I bounced gently as he eased himself off the chair. I opened my eyes. His hand was outstretched.
“Let’s go inside.”
9
We walked through the apartment in silence. Vaughn paused on the other side of the couch and I led him to my room. I didn’t worry about the boxes or the piles of clothes. I locked the door in place.
I swiveled on my heels at the foot of the bed as his hand wrapped around my neck, dragging my lips to his. I surrendered to the kiss as he stripped the tank top over my head. I reached for the buttons on his crisp shirt, but he pushed my hands out of the way, discarding his clothes faster than I could have.
Our bodies aligned. Skin touching skin. Hands groping and mouths sucking and licking.
My back fell on the bed as he crawled toward me. I could taste my arousal on his lips and it was erotic. I kissed him harder.
I didn’t have sex with men like Vaughn. Men who were confident and sexy with just a smile or a look. Men who knew how to use their hands to draw pleasure from my body. Men who kissed me like they owned me.
His hands tangled in my hair as he breathed over my lips. I searched the darkness for his mouth. His body rubbed against mine. His chest pressing into my breasts until my nipples were peaked and tender.
I groaned when I felt his erection slide between my legs. There was no question what we both wanted. What we needed.
I tilted my hips upward and I felt the thick ridge of his cock planted at my entrance.
My heart beat rapidly. My chest tingled. I burned with a kind of want between my legs that made me whimper before he even pushed inside me.
His mouth left mine and made a trail to my breast. I inhaled sharply as he tugged and toyed with my nipple.
“Ohh,” I cried.
He moved to the other side, pinching and twisting the nub until I bucked from the intensity. All the while, his cock was stretching and burning my entrance with pressure. I tried to rock forward and back, desperate to suck him deep inside me, but he demonstrated how strong he was. How much he controlled me. How the timing was all his.
He pulled my nipple between his teeth in a slow tugging torture. Just before he released the tip from his teeth he thrust the rest of his length inside me, searing our bodies together.
“Fuck,” he growled into my ear as he began to find a rhythm.
“Oh God.” I clawed his back, blinded by his fullness. Lost in how good it felt when he pushed inside me. How empty I felt when he pulled out.
It was as if he had turned on some kind of switch that was planted in my core. My body moved in ways it never had. I wanted him to know I enjoyed it. I wanted him to hear me. To feel me. To see me.
The firs
t time with a man, I was always shy and reserved. I held back. I made just enough noise or pretended to come at least once. I didn’t let him see my body move the way it wanted to, in pleasure, in response.
Those reservations didn’t exist tonight. Vaughn brought out a hunger in me that I’d wanted to feed. I squeezed his cock with vise-like pressure as he slid in and out of me. My hips rocked. My hands trailed from his body to mine. My mouth caressed him in kisses. It was as if an explosion of sensation was passing back and forth between us.
I gasped for breath when I felt his fingers thread through mine and the wild thrusts slowed. I looked into his eyes.
He pressed his lips to mine, pumping with a slow hard thrust until my lips parted with a sigh.
“You feel so fucking good,” he whispered.
I didn’t have words. I didn’t have a way to say to him that something was happening as our sweat dripped between us and the friction of our skin created heat. That I let him in faster than I had any other man. That I never slept with someone so quickly. That in this moment I thought I was connected to him more than any person.
He hilted himself inside me and I whimpered, tilting my lips toward him.
It was pleasure mixed with douses of pain. Wickedness sewn with gratification. Sex and sin. Lust and want I wanted to be love.
My breaths quickened. I was about to come again. Harder and slower than my body had every experienced.
“Fuck me,” I whispered as the pulses detonated in my core.
Vaughn pushed inside me, pinning me to the bed. I writhed and jerked.
“Oh God,” I cried.
He kissed my neck and throat. “Feel it,” he demanded. “How fucking good it feels like this.”
Locked under his body I had nowhere to go but through the pleasure. To let my body absorb what he could do to me. The bliss coursed through me and I sighed with complete satisfaction.
I’d never let an orgasm’s impact soak through me before. I’d always wiggled and shaken it off as if it had to happen quickly. But not this time. I reveled in it. Each wave. Each jolt.
