by Annie Jocoby
“Dalilah, honey, what’s wrong?” my dad was saying. “Why are you crying?”
I didn’t even realize that I was crying. But, sure enough, I lifted my head and saw that my dad’s shirt was completely soaked. “Oh, dad, I’m so sorry. I got a mascara stain on your shirt. Do you happen to have an extra one around?”
“No, Dalilah, but I do have a t-shirt under this shirt.” At that, he took off his shirt, and wadded it up into a ball.
“I guess Wolfgang Puck’s is out, huh?” I said.
“Why don’t we order pizza in? And maybe you can pour us a couple of glasses of wine. You look like you need it,” my father said.
I nodded my head and smiled. It wasn’t every day that parents encouraged their under-aged daughter to drink alcohol, but I was almost 21. And, really, my father, having spent years in Europe, had an almost European sensibility when it came to drinking wine. He usually let me have a glass here and there, from the time I was 13. As long as I didn’t abuse it in his presence, all was good.
So, my parents took a seat on my couch, and I sat on the beanbag on the floor. We ordered a mushroom pizza from the pizzeria down the street and I poured them a glass of wine, and got one for myself.
While we waited for the pizza guy, my mom, not wanting to beat around the bush, said “okay, Dalilah, you needed to tell us something important. We’re here. I’ve been on pins and needles ever since getting off the phone with you. Please tell us, finally, what is going on.”
I took a deep breath and sipped my wine. I had earlier wrestled with what to tell them, but, as with Nick, I decided that honesty would be the best policy. There wasn’t much, or anything, that they could do to stop my marriage to Nottingham, so there was no reason to lie.
“Okay. Okay. Uh, um....”
Mom and dad were looking at me with bewildered and concerned expressions. I looked at them, and had a difficult time finding my words. I mean, how does a daughter tell her parents that she is going to willingly fuck up her entire life? How does a daughter tell her parents that she is going to embark into a relationship that will definitely be destructive and devastating? Their first instinct was to protect me at all costs. And now I was about to tell them that they wouldn’t be able to protect me, because I was going to go forward with what I had to do. They couldn’t stop me.
Honestly, if I was going to tell them that I had pancreatic cancer and I only had three months to live, I think that I would have had an easier time of it. I felt at an absolute loss for words.
Dad looked very serious. “What is it, baby girl? You can tell us anything. Anything at all. We’ll deal with it, as a family. Just tell us.”
I breathed in through my nose, out through my mouth. Finally, I just blurted it out. “I’m getting married.”
After I said that, my parents looked even more confused. “But, Dalilah,” my mom said. “If you’re marrying Luke, then you should be happy. He seems like a great guy for you. But you don’t look happy at all. You look terrified.”
My dad was just staring at me. I could almost see his wheels turning. One thing about my dad, he was sharp. In intelligence, I was clearly my father’s daughter. “Yes, Dalilah, you do look terrified. Which makes me think that you’re not marrying Luke at all. If you were, you would be happy. But you’re clearly not.”
I took another sip of my wine. I couldn’t meet either of their eyes. “I’m not marrying Luke.” I finally was able to look at them, and my mom still looked befuddled, my dad looked like he almost understood. “I’m marrying Nottingham. And I’m marrying him almost immediately.”
My mother’s face registered shock, and my dad looked like he was about to blow a gasket. I had never seen him angry in my life. He was such a cool, laid-back guy. So gentle and caring. But he looked as if he was about to blow steam out of his ears.
Finally, mom said “I don’t understand. You’re marrying the man who is into BDSM? Who Nick calls ‘that cold bastard?’ Why would you do that to yourself? It’s not for love. It couldn’t be for love. So why? What are you thinking, Dalilah?”
My father was narrowing his eyes. “He’s blackmailing you. The bastard is blackmailing you.”
I nodded my head. “Yes, mom and dad. He’s blackmailing me. But I brought it on to myself.”
My dad was pacing, and I started to get concerned. I remembered that my dad was in on the forced suicide of Paul Lucas. He planned it right alongside Nick. He had to have, because it was on my dad’s computer that I found the incriminating video. And, before he ever knew my mom, it was my understanding that he hung out with drug dealers and other rough sorts.
In other words, my dad certainly was no pushover. I wondered what he would be capable of.
“Dalilah, you can’t do this. You can’t mess up your life like this,” he said. He stopped short of telling me that he forbade me to do it, because he knew that wouldn’t stop me. I had always been a girl who had her own mind, and I pretty much did what I wanted, even before I was an adult. Now that I was an adult, I certainly wasn’t going to be forbidden to do anything. He knew this, so he didn’t even try to say that he absolutely was going to stop me.
“Dad, sit down,” I said. I looked over at my mom, and she was crying. “Oh, crap,” I said, seeing her. “Please quit crying, mom. Please.”
“I can’t help it, Dalilah. You seem to have your mind made up about this, and your life is going to be completely ruined if you go through with this. How can I just stand by and watch you do this to yourself? How?”
“I don’t know, but it has to be done.”
Finally, my dad stopped pacing and sat back down on my couch. “Okay, Dalilah, tell us the entire story. Tell us what is going on. Maybe we can help.”
“No, you can’t. You can’t. I got trapped. I got trapped and there’s no way out. And it was all through my own doing, too. All of it. I have to marry him, or else Luke’s future is in jeopardy.”
My dad, sharp as a tack, said “Oh, I get it. I get it. That bastard is threatening to sabotage Luke if you don’t do this. And he’s just powerful and well-connected enough to succeed, too.”
“Yes,” I said, grateful that I didn’t have to tell him everything. “He said that he not only would pull Luke’s show if I didn’t marry him, but that he also would ensure that he wouldn’t get another show in this city. You don’t understand, dad. Luke was ready to give up and go work for his dad in Maine. He was so discouraged, and getting this show made him so happy. This is his life. Luke’s life.”
“Dalilah, it’s your life, too,” my father said. “You have to also think of yourself, here. It’s awful that Luke would lose the one thing that he has dreamed about and worked for his entire life, because of the caprice of one man. But it will be even worse for you to enter into a destructive, loveless relationship out some misguided sense of loyalty and obligation. I’ll bet that Luke would much rather have you by his side, even if he is struggling, then to have all the money and fame in the world, with nobody to share it with.”
“Dad, I love you, and you always give great advice. But, in this case, I have to do this. I have to. Listen, I caused this. Me. Nottingham became so infuriated with the fact that I was using him that he did this. He made the ultimatum, because of my actions. If I just would have left well enough alone, then Luke would have still had his show, and I would be marrying him, not Nottingham.”
“Do you really believe that?” my father said. “You’re one of the smartest people on this planet, but I can’t believe that you’re still so naïve.”
“Naïve about what?”
“A man like that, who is that obsessed with you, would have pulled Luke’s show regardless of whether or not you were using him,” dad said. “Just because he’s jealous. Just you dating Luke would be enough for a guy like him to do that. So, you can’t feel guilty about this. If you’re doing this out of a sense of guilt about your actions, just stop. Just stop, because no matter what you did, the outcome would have been the same. That’s what men like
Nottingham do. They use people as their pawns, because life is one big chess game to them. In this case, his pawns are named Dalilah and Luke.”
“Be that as it may, I have to do all I can to ensure Luke’s future. So, I’m doing this. I’m going through with it. And neither of you can stop me.”
My mom continued to cry, and my father continued to look angry. “Why is Luke’s future more important than your own?” he asked.
“Because I love him. I love him, and I’m willing to make any sacrifice for him. Just like you saved mom from being shot by deflecting that gunman’s attention onto you, I’m doing the same thing. Taking the bullet for Luke. I’m figuratively taking a bullet for Luke.”
The anger drained away from my father’s face, because he finally understood. He finally understood my need to sacrifice myself for Luke. “Dalilah, this is all very noble of you. It is. And you’re right. I would take a bullet for you or your mother even now. In a heartbeat. Without even thinking about it. But Luke’s life isn’t in danger, here.”
“No, it’s not. But his future is. His dream is. You take away a man’s dream and a man’s livelihood, then what does he have left? Think about that. I mean, we can still be together if I don’t marry Nottingham, but he’ll just be broken down. Defeated. I can prevent that, just by...”
“Doing what Nottingham wants, when he wants,” my father said “Is that you what you want for yourself? What about your dreams of having a family and a husband that you love? What about your dreams of being a working artist again? What about you?”
“Again, dad, it’s my sacrifice. You just said yourself that you would sacrifice for the ones that you love. I will, too.”
“Yes, but you hardly know this boy,” my mom was saying. She finally had quit crying and was now ready to beat me down as much as my dad was. “You hardly know him, and..”
“Oh, really? Really? That’s all you got? That I haven’t known him that long? What difference does it make how long I’ve known him? All that matters is that I am truly in love with him, and I’ll do anything for him. Anything at all.”
My dad didn’t try to bring up that point, about my not knowing Luke long enough to want to make a sacrifice like this. He knew better, having fallen in love with my mom at first sight. And, if you’re in love with somebody, then you’re in love with somebody. No matter if you’ve known him for 50 hours or 50 years, love is love.
“Dalilah, your mom and I understand your position. We really do. But you have to rethink this and not go into this blindly or in haste. And maybe he’s bluffing. Perhaps you should see. Maybe if you don’t marry him, he’ll still give Luke his show and help guide his career,” my dad said. But I looked at his face, and saw that he didn’t really believe his own words.
“Do you really believe that, dad? You just said yourself that Luke and I are both pawns in his sick game. Do you really believe that he’ll just be Luke’s fairy godfather, even if Luke and I are together?”
To this, my father had no words. After a few minutes, he finally just said “no. No, I don’t really believe that.”
I just took a deep breath. “Okay, so, I’m doing this. I’m doing this, and it has to be done next week, before Luke’s show. For obvious reasons, Nottingham needs to seal the deal before Luke’s premiere date.”
My mom and dad both just looked defeated. They both knew the reality of the situation – once my mind was made up, there was pretty much no changing it. It had always been that way, as I was always very willful and independent.
“I hate this, Dalilah,” my dad said. “I hate this, and I don’t approve of this. And that man will not be welcome in our house. We draw the line there. He won’t be welcome in this family, or in our lives. Ever. Are we clear about that?”
“Of course,” I said. “I’ll just have to come and see you without him. And spend holidays with you and not him.”
And then my mother, of all people, surprised me. “After Luke’s show, if he’s a hit, you can just divorce Nottingham. You can divorce him, because you won’t need him anymore. Right?”
In spite of myself, I smiled at my mother suddenly being so devious. “If only. But, no, Nottingham will always have the power to put Luke right back to where he was before. A man that powerful can turn all the major benefactors and galleries against Luke at any time. He can make Luke, but he can also break him. I don’t think that you understand that kind of influence he has on the people in the New York City art scene. So, no. Unless I want to ensure that Luke gets blackballed, just as he’s taking off, I can’t divorce Nottingham and marry Luke, even after his debut is a hit.”
Now my mom and dad were looking as resigned as I felt. I secretly wished that my dad could bad-ass the whole situation like he helped Nick do with that Paul Lucas pervert all those years ago. Maybe my dad could hire a hit man or even do the deed himself.
Come on, Dalilah, you know that’s not going to happen. Nor do you really want it to. It’s just your dark fantasy.
My father shook his head. “You’re going to do what you’re going to do. But I won’t support you, and I don’t think that your mother will either.”
“No, I don’t support you, either,” my mom said. “We still love you. You’ll always be our little girl. But there’s no way we’re going to give our blessing to this.”
“Well, as long as you don’t disown me, I guess all isn’t lost,” I said, only half-joking. “I love you both, and I’m so sorry I let you down like this.”
“You didn’t let us down,” dad said. “You got caught in a bad situation with a devious, obsessive and powerful man. I want you to think about this decision long and hard, though. Think about the commitment that you’re about to make. About the life you’re going to have. Think about that, Dalilah. That’s all we ask.”
I smiled. The entire thing was really a fait accompli, as my mind was made up long before mom and dad heard the news. They didn’t accept it, of course. What parent would? But I was going to go through with it anyhow.
Maybe my dad was right. Maybe my actions didn’t actually lead to this situation, and Nottingham would have played the same stunt no matter what my actions were. He probably would have, seeing as he was so obsessed with me. Perhaps I was always destined to be his pawn, and Luke as well.
No matter. Fate was hurtling me down this path, and I was going to meet it. I was going to meet it with my head held high, knowing that Luke would finally achieve his dream through my actions.
That was really good enough for me.
Chapter 10
It wasn’t a week after I told my parents about marrying Nottingham that he and I ended up at City Hall, after getting our marriage license. I didn’t bother to dress for occasion, of course, choosing to wear jeans and a t-shirt with the message I’d tell you to go to hell, but I live there, and I don’t want to see you every day. Surprisingly, Nottingham said little about my attire. The one thing he did say was “I know you’re trying to get a rise out of me, Dalilah, so I’m just going to treat you like a child and ignore your bait. But I will say this – you’re being disrespectful to this judge. I see that you have a sweater in your purse, so please put it on when we go up to take our vows.”
Nottingham was right. I had a sweater tucked in my enormous Coach bag, which was one of Alaina’s hand-me-downs. I really didn’t want to disrespect the court, either, but, at the same time, I wanted to rebel against this arrangement in any way that I could.
We sat on the wooden bench outside the courtroom. People were streaming in and out. Most of them were young, like me, but they were marrying people who were just as young. They looked excited and in love, and I envied them. They probably saw Nottingham and me, and would never have put us together. After all, I was wearing jeans, a snarky t-shirt and scuffed-up Doc Marten boots. In my arms was my leather bomber jacket. Meanwhile, right next to me, was Nottingham – three-piece suit, hair perfectly in place, with shoes buffed to a perfect sheen. His trench coat and hat were with his assistant, who discreetly
sat on the other end of the hall, checking his text messages.
Everyone else who came in and out fit together. Tattooed boys were with tattooed girls. A boy in a wife-beater and baggy jeans was with a girl dressed in a similar manner. Another guy who was dressed in a suit was with a girl in a simple white dress. All the other couples coordinated.
Not Nottingham and me. We couldn’t look more disparate if we tried. Well, actually, that wasn’t true – I deliberately made sure that I looked the way that I looked, because I wanted to send a message to Nottingham that this entire situation was under protest. He was actually lucky that I didn’t color my hair blue and get a nose piercing and a neck tattoo for the occasion. So, yeah, maybe we could have looked more disparate if I really would have gone out of my way to do so.
I glanced over at Nottingham, who looked like he was rapidly losing patience with the whole thing. He checked his watch. “When are they going to call us in? I have a meeting at 3.”
I raised my eyebrow. “Maybe you shouldn’t have scheduled a meeting on your wedding day. Just a thought.”
He glared at me. “Unlike you, I have to work for a living. I have a company that depends upon me. Your life is nothing but a cabaret. You get high and you lay on couches for people. My life is just a little bit more complicated than that.”
Oh, so he does know about my getting high. I mentally gave him points for not being as stupid as he came across. “Well, I’m sure that business can wait. After all, you’re marrying the girl of your dreams, aren’t you? I would think that this occasion would be the cause for taking off at least one day from the office.”
