The Wednesday night before they left, I had a test, and didn’t finish until 9 p.m. Wanting to see Lucas, I asked him to come over, but ended up falling asleep shortly after he arrived.
I awoke in the early morning. It was still dark outside, and the house was completely quiet. A note was on my dresser. Marzy it said. Wish you could come with us. See you soon. X -Lucas.
I thought about taking his house key and sneaking into his room, snuggling up to him as he may or may not have done to me. But he and I never stayed over at each other’s houses. The very few times we’d slept in the same bed, I never had the experience of waking up next to him. It wasn’t because I wouldn’t have let him stay. I had no problem with it. Maybe it was our subconscious still trying to maintain some distance. I tossed the thought away and decided that if we ever did, it would be by his doing. I needed him to make that move.
The next day, Paul could tell that I was on edge. It was obvious that I didn’t want to be in the office. I daydreamed about road trips with Lucas, and live music, and hotel stays. If we ever stayed in a hotel together, sleeping in the same bed and waking up together would be inevitable. I was upset that I missed my chance to experience it.
“Something on your mind?” he asked me.
“Yeah. Sorry. I can’t focus today. My friends all went to a festival out of town.”
Paul tapped his pen against a stack of papers. “You don’t have to stay you know,” he said. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that you are, but it isn’t really your responsibility.”
I looked at our desks. There were still piles of reports that needed to be gone through and checked, and then checked again. Without me, he would never finish it on time. “I know,” I said. “But you need my help. You can’t get it done alone.”
Paul gently tilted his head, pondering my statement. “You’re right. But now I feel an enormous amount of guilt.”
I chuckled. “Don’t. I’m here by my choice.”
We fell silent, getting lost in the work before he said, “You never asked why my girlfriend broke up with me.”
“I wasn’t sure you wanted to share.”
“Initially, I didn’t. But now I don’t mind.”
“Alright, why did she break up with you?”
Paul took a deep breath. “Because she’s in love with my brother.”
Ouch. “That had to hurt. I don’t know what else to say besides I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. I know. It caught me off guard, but we hadn’t been dating that long, so hopefully, I’ll get over the heartache soon.” He smiled, but it was sad.
“You will,” I said. While I was thinking about my own heartache, I realized it had been a year since Mark and I had ended, yet I still let it dictate my emotions. Hopefully, Paul could get over his break-up faster.
“What about your Valentine’s Day?” Paul asked. “Did he end up getting you anything?” I gave him an embarrassed grin, and pulled the necklace out for him to see. His eyes squinted as he looked at it.
“He has a sparrow tattoo. I saw this necklace a while back and told him that it reminded me of him.”
Paul smiled. “You’re crazy about him.”
For the first time, I admitted it aloud. “Yeah. I am.”
“Does he know?”
“Maybe.”
“You should tell him.”
I didn’t respond, knowing that I would tell him in my own time—when I felt ready, not because Paul thought I should.
Later that night, Lucas sent me a text message. It was a video of a band playing up on a stage. The quality was horrible, and I could barely hear what they were singing. Trying to decipher what was being said, I frowned while I watched, but the people around him were loudly cheering, drowning out their voices. In the last five seconds, my frown transformed into a smile when Lucas brought his head around to the front and grinned. “They’re good, babe,” he said with a wink. His eyes were glazed, and it was obvious that he’d been drinking, but I liked that he’d thought of me. I texted back Looks like fun! Wish I was there!
No worries. You’ll make it to the next one.
I smiled again, realizing that he was implying that we would still be a part of each other’s lives when the next one came.
It had thankfully been an easy week for studying, and the late nights at the office weren’t putting me behind. Rushing to finish, Paul and I were still there at 7 p.m. on Friday night when my phone dinged with another message from Lucas. It was a picture of him holding a beer, toasting it to me.
“Is that him?” Paul asked.
I realized that I had been staring at my phone with a mirthful look, my finger gently rubbing the screen. Embarrassed, I turned it off. “Yeah,” I said and went back to doing the reports.
“Listen,” he said, “I can handle the rest of this. Go home and pack some stuff. You want to be there. He wants you to be there. So be there.”
I worked my lip around as I thought about it—knowing that I wanted to go, but feeling bad about abandoning Paul when we were in the home stretch. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. I can get it done. Go,” he smiled.
With excitement, I grabbed my purse and walked out the door. At home, I changed into more comfortable clothes, packed an overnight bag, and left. Twenty minutes away from the festival, I texted Charles to see where they were. He didn’t respond. I didn’t text Wally. Despite his assurance that he could keep secrets, I knew he couldn’t, and I wanted it to be a surprise for Lucas.
I found the general area of the festival and parked on a street a couple blocks away. The lights and music were blaring and I made my way towards the sounds, feeling like I was following the hypnotic tune of the Pied Piper. Knowing that there was no way I’d locate my friends in this huge crowd, I texted Ian, hoping that at least he would respond. After only a second, he sent me a message back, saying that they were by the West Stage. I saw a map stand and pulled one out to navigate my way to them. Once I made it, I searched the large crowd, but was unable to spot anyone familiar.
Just as I was about to give up and text Ian again, the back of a man caught my eye. He was waiting at a beer stand. I knew those strong shoulders and that wild brown hair. He turned his head to the side and confirmed that it was Lucas. Seeing his profile made me smile.
After receiving his beer, he started walking back to the stage. He glanced in my direction, and I didn’t think that he saw me, but then he stopped and looked again. As we made eye contact, a big grin spread across his face.
We started towards each other, and when he reached me, he picked me up, careful not to spill his new beer, and twirled me around. “Marzy!” he joyously exclaimed. “You’re here!”
I chuckled as he put me down. “Yeah, Paul told me I could leave, so I came straight away.”
He smiled at me then wrapped the hand holding his beer around my waist, pulling me into his side. His other hand took his cell phone and held it high above us. He was looking at it, and I realized that I was still staring at his face, so I turned to smile at the camera, but he’d already taken the picture. “I wasn’t looking,” I said. “Do another.”
He brought it up on his phone to see. Lucas was staring straight at the lens, wearing a huge smile, but I was looking up at him. My hand was on his stomach, and the expression on my face could only be described as pure adoration. If he didn’t know I was crazy about him, that would solidify it.
“It’s perfect,” he said and slid the phone into his pocket.
We met up with Ian and Charles. They told me that Wally had disappeared ages ago, and Bear was barely standing on his feet. Apparently, they’d been drinking heavily all day. It was close to ten and for the next few hours, we walked around the festival, stopping at various stages to listen to music. Before long, it was only the two of us. Charles had left because he was stumbling all over the place, and Ian went with him to make sure he made it back to their hotel.
Lucas and I were listening to a man playing a banjo. The performer was
very good, but I was ready to be alone with him. I realized that it had been weeks since the two of us had been intimate, and I missed it. While he was busy watching the stage, I snuggled into his side and gave him a kiss on the neck. He made an mmm sound and squeezed my hip. “Let’s go back to the hotel,” I whispered.
His eyes came down to me, and he took a deep breath. He brought the beer to his mouth, downing it quickly. “Come on,” he said hoarsely.
The cheap rooms they booked were a ten-minute walk away. Lucas was staying with Wally, and I hoped that he would be gone for a while. With every step towards our room, I could feel my body heating. Lucas held open the lobby door for me, and I followed him around corners and hallways until we were in front of room 154. He took out his key and slid it in the lock.
When the door opened, the first thing I noticed was the sound of the TV. The second was girly laughter. The third was Wally’s voice. “Lucas!” he yelled. “I’ve got a surprise for you.” He sang the last part, like whatever the surprise was, Lucas was going to absolutely love it.
If Lucas tried to stop me from walking further into the room, I didn’t notice. I didn’t look at him. Instead, I walked past the tiny hallway and into the cubby that held the beds.
On one was a pretty brunette, on the other was a gorgeous redhead. Neither were naked, but their clothing left very little to the imagination. Wally was nowhere to be seen, but then I heard his voice from a door off the room.
“You remember Stephan- Oh, shit. Hey, Marlowe,” he said as he walked in.
I was frowning. No, I was scowling. Or maybe I was about to cry. I didn’t know. Wally was supposed to be my friend and he was bringing girls for Lucas to bang while I was out of the picture. The redhead, Stephanie, was lying on her stomach, her feet swinging back and forth. “Hey, Lucas,” she said, looking somewhat embarrassed.
“Hey, Steph,” he said from behind me. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t do anything—only stared at a stain on the old carpet. I wondered what would’ve happened had I not shown up tonight, and realized that I couldn’t say with certainty that Lucas and Steph wouldn’t be tangled up in the sheets.
“Can I talk to you?” Lucas said.
“Sure,” Wally replied and walked into a bathroom. Lucas followed him.
Stephanie sat up and was now sitting cross-legged on the bed. The brunette, that I didn’t know, was on the edge of her bed, resting her elbows on her knees. I felt foolish. They started whispering to each other, but I couldn’t make out what was being said. Only their stifled giggles. Wally’s loud laugh also echoed into the room, and I realized that I’d had enough.
“Have fun,” I said and left.
In the hallway, I thought, Who the fuck is Stephanie? Apparently, they’d had some type of history. One so great that Wally thought Lucas would be excited to see her. On his bed.
I stood there with angry, humiliating tears threatening to fall. Charles’ room was next to theirs, but I didn’t know which one. Not caring about disturbing a stranger, I knocked on the door to the left. After a moment, Ian answered with a towel wrapped around his waist.
“Is Bear in here?” I asked.
He nodded and opened the door wider for me. I went in and sighed when the door shut behind me. Charles was passed out, snoring loudly, the light from the TV flashing across his face. Ian didn’t say anything, and walked into the bathroom. A few seconds later the shower started. Not knowing what else to do, I propped up next to the sleeping Charles. He came to when and looked at me with confusion.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
He looked at me, wiggled his mouth around and cleared his nose, as if he was about to sneeze, but fell back on the pillow. His hand reached out and squeezed mine. I squeezed it back and then he rolled over, snoring again.
If Lucas confided in Wally about his love life, he hadn’t told him that he was interested in only me. Maybe he’d told him that he wanted other girls, and this was Wally giving that to him. My throat felt tight, and I wished that I had something to drink. Coming here had been a mistake. Allowing myself to feel more for Lucas had been a mistake.
Charles’ cell phone started vibrating on the nightstand. I didn’t check it and he slept through it. A phone next to the other bed started vibrating. Ian’s phone, I guessed. It might have been Lucas, but I didn’t bother checking. If he tried to call me, he was out of luck. My phone had died about an hour ago. A few minutes later, a knock sounded on the door. I didn’t get up to answer it and Charles didn’t stop snoring.
The late night talk show finished and a commercial break began on the screen. I realized that I didn’t even have any of my things. They were still in my car several blocks away. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d slept in my clothes from the night before, but I could probably leave. I hadn’t had much to drink and felt completely sober. Though it would be a long walk, and my phone was dead. As angry as I was, I still knew that wasn’t safe, and kicked off my shoes.
My decision to stay made, I was under the covers next to Bear when Ian came out of the bathroom. He was wearing a pair of boxers and didn’t look at me as he went to his suitcase to pull out some pajama pants. Silently, he walked over to his bed and picked up his phone. I glared at him as he typed something into it.
Maybe ten seconds later, someone banged on the door. Ian smirked at me and went to open it. I stayed exactly where I was, under the covers next to Charles.
Lucas stormed in and stopped at the foot of the bed. “What are you doing?” he asked.
“Trying to sleep,” I said sarcastically.
He took a deep breath. “Come on,” he said, waving me over to him.
“No,” I scoffed.
“Marzy, stop being silly and come on.”
Ian walked to his bed and propped up against the headboard to watch the TV. And I really think that he was watching the TV, not just pretending to while he listened to us argue.
“Look, go have fun with Wally and leave me alone.”
“No,” he said.
“Whatever.” I rolled over and pulled the covers on top of my head, not wanting to look at him anymore.
He didn’t leave. I could feel him still standing in the room, staring at me. After what felt like forever, I felt two arms reach under the covers and grab me. “Lucas, stop!” I said, flailing around as he pulled me by the waist. Before I knew it, I was over his shoulder and we were walking out of the room. “Put me down!” I said.
“No,” he said again. I growled and went limp on his shoulder. If he was going to do this, I was going to make it hard for him. He grunted when my full weight hit him, but then chuckled. In the hallway, two people gave us looks as they passed. Feeling embarrassed, I started squirming against him and was able to free myself while he worked the cardkey. I was standing now, his arm tight around me, and my back to the door.
“Who’s Stephanie?” I asked. After the words left my mouth, I realized how much venom they’d held, and expelled an annoyed breath. I hated that my emotions were so clear when it pertained to him.
The door opened, and he ushered me inside. “Just some girl,” he said. I was walking backward, and he was stalking towards me. “Why were you in bed with Charles?”
I pulled a face. “Because I was going to let him ravish me through the night.”
“That’s not funny.”
“Stephanie was just sprawled out on your bed, half naked and willing, and you’re questioning me about Charles?” The back of my knees hit the mattress, and I glared up at him.
With determination, he pulled me towards him, bringing our bodies together. “I didn’t ask her to be on my bed,” he said. “You chose to get in his.”
My eyes narrowed. He was right, but knowing that only made me mad. This was about so much more than whether or not he’d asked her to be here. His arm came under my butt and he lifted me. Before I could stop them, my legs went around his waist with a practiced ease. “It’s not the same thing,” I said
as he started walking on his knees across the mattress.
Gently, he brought my back to the bed, and settled between my legs. “Why not?”
With only a few touches and words, I was right where he wanted me to be. Underneath him. The realization made me fume. “Because I’ve never fucked him,” I bit out.
“Who says I’ve fucked her?”
“Have you?”
“Why does it matter?” he asked defensively. “If I wanted to be with her right now, I would be. And I’m not.”
Good to know it would be so easy for him. Just a snap of the fingers and she and I could switch places. It also didn’t escape me that he didn’t answer my question. “I’m tired,” I said and pushed him off me.
He sighed long and loud as I got up. Deciding to sleep in Wally’s bed, I shimmied out of my pants. Without removing my shirt, I took my bra off, tossing it in a corner. Filled with frustration and anger, I pulled the covers back and got in, giving my back to him.
“Fine,” he said. “See you in the morning.”
I didn’t respond.
Over the next few minutes, I listened to him undress and walk around. After a while, he got into his bed and turned out the light. It took me too long to fall asleep, but eventually I did.
The clock on the nightstand said 4:36 a.m. when I awoke to the sound of someone moving in the room. Lucas’ bed squeaked and then I heard him yawn. His feet moved around my bed and into the bathroom. The light illuminated the wall beside me and I brought the covers up to shield my eyes.
A few minutes later, he came out. His bed squeaked again. For a little while, he only sat there, and I felt like crying. Right now, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted his touch to reassure me, but I didn’t want to ask for it. And I didn’t want to need it.
He sighed, and I imagined him running his hands through his hair. Suddenly, my covers were raised, and I shivered when the chill of the room hit my back. Slowly, he slid in behind me, running his hand up my thigh before curling it around my waist. His lips pressed a firm kiss to the back of my head. He left his face there and took a deep inhale, breathing me in. With an achy heart, I rolled over to snuggle into his chest. My legs and arms wrapped around him and I squeezed, pretending that if I held him tight enough, I could keep him.
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