I went to him, creeping slowly down the hallway, trying to decide what I would say when I reached him. His door was closed, and I knocked lightly, but didn’t get a response. I knocked a little louder.
“Yeah,” I heard on the other side.
“Can I come in?”
After what felt like at least a full minute, he said, “Sure.”
I opened the door and saw him sitting on his bed, typing into his phone. He tossed it on some clothes and looked up at me. “I’m sorry,” was all I could think to say.
“No, I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t thinking straight.”
I walked into the room and knelt down in front of him. He looked so tired and sad. Was it because of me? “You don’t have to worry about Paul,” I said, bringing my hand to his face, hoping to reassure him.
His face was still hard, but then whatever resolve he had dissipated as he turned into my palm, taking a deep breath. My fingers curled along his cheek and rubbed his skin. For the longest time, he let me. His eyes closed, his breaths deep, as if he was savoring my touch. “You should go,” he finally said. “Before I say something that I shouldn’t.”
“Like what?” I asked, not sure if I wanted him to tell me or not.
He sighed. “I’m still very drunk. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I said, standing to give him a soft kiss on the top of his head. His hand gripped my leg as I let my lips linger there. There’s only you, Lucas. Only ever you.
“Tomorrow,” he choked out and gave my leg a pat.
I left him sitting on his bed with his elbows propped on his thighs, his fists together, and his head hanging down.
Chapter 25
When I woke the next day, I walked to my window, wondering when Lucas would be coming over. He and I needed to talk. Our previous understanding no longer worked. For either of us. But his car wasn’t in his driveway. And it never returned. It was gone even when I slipped under the covers at midnight.
Having had a restless night, I overslept the next morning. I was rushing out the door, about to get in my Jeep when I looked across the street. His Buick was there. I held onto the door of my car, trying to decide if I should go to him. It was early and he was probably still asleep. Instead of waking him, I reached in my glove box and pulled out a sheet of paper. The top half was a receipt from a recent oil change, but the bottom was blank. I ripped it and grabbed a pen out of my purse, writing Lucas, I missed you yesterday. Call me soon. XO- Marzy. Taking a breath, I walked across the street, placing it on his windshield. He never called me. And his car was gone when I returned home. All night, I left the light on in my room, just in case. But, again, he didn’t come.
It was Tuesday afternoon and I still hadn’t heard from him. Everyone in the office had gone to lunch, but I worked through it, hoping to be gone by 1 p.m. Lucas was leaving the next day. So much needed to be said between us, and I didn’t want to wait twelve days to say it.
A knock on the door drew my attention, and I saw Paul standing outside my office. “Got a minute?” he asked.
“Sure,” I smiled, pushing the papers away from me. “I’m tired of looking at this.”
He came in, sitting in a spare chair. “How’s it going?” he asked.
“Okay,” I shrugged.
“So everything worked out with Lucas?”
I worked my lip around, thinking about it. “Not really,” I said. “I went over to his house later that night, but he was acting crazy. Accusing me of hooking up with you and wouldn’t believe me when I told him that we hadn’t.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “I feel like this is my fault. Have you talked to him since?”
“No,” I frowned. “He was supposed to come over Sunday, but never did. I don’t know what to do. He’s leaving tomorrow and he’ll be gone for twelve days. If we don’t talk about this, it’s only going to get worse.”
“What did he say to you Saturday?”
“He just kept accusing me, and I sort of snapped, telling him that he wasn’t my boyfriend. He’s not, but he might as well be.” I took a strangled breath. “It’s all I’ve been able to think about for the last few months. But now he’s avoiding me and not giving me the chance to make it right. I hurt him. I could see it in his eyes as soon as the words left my mouth.”
“I don’t mean to pry, but do you love him?” he asked. I didn’t respond, not wanting to admit it, at least to him. If those words ever came out of my mouth, it would only be in front of Lucas. Knowing I wasn’t going to answer, a sympathetic smile passed over his face. “Call him, Marlowe.” He got up from his chair. “Call him or text him or wait at his house. You don’t want to have any regrets. Trust me. I have enough to last a lifetime.” He let out a pained sigh. “I don’t lose sleep because I told the love of my life that she was the most important, wondrous thing to ever happen to me. I lose sleep because I didn’t.”
As soon as he left, I pulled out my phone and opened my messages to Lucas. Hesitation set it as I tried to decide what to say. I wanted to see him, but my pride wouldn’t let me beg or plead to convince him. I decided on You’re leaving tomorrow.
I sat back in my chair and stared at my phone. A few seconds later, it buzzed with his response.
Yeah.
That was it? Just ‘yeah?’ Why did he always have to make things so difficult? And you’ll be gone for twelve days I said, hinting that I wanted to see him before he left.
Yeah. First thing in the morning, we’re heading out. Be back a week from Sunday. I’ll bring you the bar key just in case no one is there when you do the books.
His words made me feel cold. There was no hidden love or affection in them, just straight and to the point. I didn’t respond, knowing I’d at least see him when he brought me the key.
All night I waited for him. I took my test and felt good about it, but fell on my bed with a defeated thud. What if he didn’t come? What if he only said that to placate me? I stayed there, still in my work clothes and clutching my pillow. My eyes had just started to close when I heard his car across the street. In a rush, I jumped from my bed and raced down the stairs. I opened my door just in time to see him placing a key under our welcome mat.
“What are you doing?” I asked, not able to hide the hurt in my voice.
“It’s late,” he said, rising to stand. “I thought you’d be asleep.”
“I was waiting for you.”
He cleared his throat. “Well, here’s the key. I don’t know if anyone will be there with you or not.” Our fingers brushed when he handed it to me, but I didn’t grasp his stiff hand. “Lock the front door if you’re there alone.”
“I will,” I said, stuffing the key into my slacks. “Do you want to come in?” My heart felt hopeful, but I could see the rejection in his eyes even before he answered.
“Better not,” he said. “I need to finish packing.”
“Oh, okay.” We were silent. I was looking at his shoes, but he was looking at me. Reluctantly, I raised my eyes to his.
“Do you want me to call you while I’m gone?” he asked.
I nodded.
He took a step towards me and placed a dry, tight, kiss to my mouth. I wished he wouldn’t have even bothered. It was almost worse than no kiss at all.
As he turned to leave, my body moved on its own, reaching out for him before I even had time to decide if I wanted it to. My hand grabbed his shirt, and I pulled him back to me. He came willingly, and didn’t pull away when my hands cradled his jaw, or when I raised up on my tiptoes.
My kiss was not dry and I poured every ounce of my emotion into it.
At first, his lips barely moved, but then he let out a tiny, barely audible moan, and pulled me into him. One of his hands went to the back of my head, his other low on my back as he held me close, kissing me as I wanted him to. We finished, still holding each other, our eyes locked. “I’ll miss you,” I whispered.
He closed his eyes, his face locked in pain, before he kisse
d me softly again. “See you in twelve days,” he said.
I nodded and let him go.
While he was gone, the hours were long and tiresome. All I did was think about him and why he hadn’t called. I didn’t talk to anyone as I wallowed in my self-pity. Work was boring. The house was quiet. Wally was in and out, and Charles had a girlfriend, so was spending all of his time with her. He brought her over Wednesday night to meet me, and she was wonderful. Breathtaking and kind. It was clear from the way she looked at him that she thought Charles was amazing. Within ten minutes, she had my approval. But seeing them so enamored with one another made me depressed and I left them watching a movie in the living room.
Thursday I organized my closet and bathroom, ending my night with a book. The story was decent, but I couldn’t concentrate, looking at my phone every ten minutes. I wanted to call him, but didn’t. He already knew that I wanted to hear from him, and if he wanted to speak to me, he would call.
As I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, I kept thinking, Maybe he doesn’t want to speak to me. Maybe he thought that we had run our course. New Orleans. Christmas. Valentine’s Day. They all seemed like they happened forever ago. I was wearing his necklace and ring. The picture of the girl by the lake was hanging on my wall. Everywhere I looked in this room was a memory of him. Us sitting on the bed, laughing. Him watching me put on makeup in the bathroom. The feeling of his arms wrapping around my stomach as I stood in my closet changing clothes.
To keep from becoming wrapped up in my emotions, I turned on the TV and fell asleep watching a bad Sci-fi movie.
By the time I made it home Friday, I was ready to give up. All my sadness and moping wasn’t doing me any good. To get out of the house, I went to dinner with Lacey and Nicole. All Nicole could talk about was some amazing guy she met, and Lacey was glued to her phone, texting someone constantly. She didn’t tell me who it was, but if I had to guess, I’d say it was a guy, too. Her shy smiles were hard to miss. We were eating dessert when Nicole said, “Alright, so what’s up with Paul? Did you sleep with him?”
I choked on the water I was drinking, and threw a scowl at her. “NO! Not even close. Not even anything. We’re just friends. Why can’t a guy and girl be friends without screwing each other?”
She held up her hands in surprise. “Whew, sorry,” she chuckled. “We just haven’t talked since that night. Or about Paul. At all.”
“If I’m being honest,” Lacey said, “it did look like something might be going on with you two.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “You’d whisper to him and then he’d smile and whisper back. It looked a tad intimate.”
I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Look, he wanted me to introduce him to both of you. He just had a bad break up and wants to get back out there. I thought one of you might hit it off with him. That’s what we were whispering about.”
“Oh,” Lacey said.
“Weird,” Nicole added. “You two were talking about us, right there, and we didn’t even know it.” She looked thoughtful a moment before saying, “Well… did he like me?”
“Why do you care?” I chuckled, stuffing some ice cream into my mouth. “You’re with Felix and he’s soooo awesome.”
She smiled. “He is, but I can’t help but be a little curious.”
“He said that Lacey wasn’t into him and that he felt weird chatting you both up on the same night, but didn’t seem opposed to getting to know you better.”
“I’ll keep him in reserve,” she said.
“What about Lucas?” Lacey carefully asked. “He was pretty upset. Did he calm down?”
“Yeah,” I said, not elaborating. I don’t know why I was so guarded, even with them. They were my friends. I should confide in them, but sometimes I felt like, when I wasn’t around, they discussed and judged my life. It was in the way they looked at each other while I spoke—just a small shift of the eyes, but enough to keep me reluctant about sharing.
Lacey didn’t press, and we left shortly after. I had just gotten out of the shower and wrapped my hair in a towel when my phone vibrated against the bathroom counter. The display said Lucas. A picture of him strumming a guitar while he sat on my bed flashed across the screen. My pulse quickened and to keep from seeming overeager, I waited a few seconds before answering.
“Hey!” he said, sounding happy. “What are you doing?”
“Just got out of the shower. You?”
“On the road. Mia’s driving my car back to my Aunt’s house.”
“You’re letting Mia drive?” I asked with a smile, trying to enjoy the easy way we were speaking.
“I know. But she insisted. And she better not wreck it,” he said, loudly speaking the last to her.
“Please,” I heard her say. “I’m a better driver than you. Tell Marlowe I said ‘Hey!’”
“Hey, Mia,” I told him.
“She said hey,” he said to her and then more quietly to me, “We’re going to the lake tomorrow. We’ll be there a whole week. I don’t know how good my reception will be.”
Was that the only reason he was calling? Just to tell me that he wouldn’t be calling next week? A disappointed “Oh,” came out of my mouth.
“But, I, uh, I’ll be thinking about you,” he said, so low that I barely heard it.
“Me, too.” The sound of the radio playing in the background amplified our silence. I wanted to tell him so many things. To reassure him. To let him know how much he meant to me. “Lucas…” I said softly trying to get my nerve.
“Yeah, baby,” he said, just as gently.
“I wish I was with you.”
“I know. I do, too.”
“Next time,” I said.
“Next time. I’ll try to call if I get reception.”
“Alright,” I said. Without worrying about how he would take it or how vulnerable it would make me feel, I added. “I really do miss you.”
“And I miss you,” he said. “Talk to you soon.”
“Bye.”
I tried to occupy my time, catching up on TV shows, playing video games with Charles, when his girlfriend, Priscilla, wasn’t around. Wally took me to another movie on Monday night. It was an old black and white foreign film. He ate it up, but I was completely bored. After work, I went grocery shopping or walking around the neighborhood. Paul avoided me, and I had the feeling that it was because he felt uncomfortable about Lucas’ accusations. I couldn’t blame him. If I were in his shoes, I’d do the same thing. I tagged along with Lacey and Nicole to get pedicures. They let me have the middle chair, but leaned forward and talked to each other about people I didn’t know through the whole thing.
It was nearly a week before he called me again, and I was asleep, but answered. “Hello,” I said groggily.
“Did I wake you?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I smiled. “But I don’t mind. How’s your trip going?”
“Long,” he sighed. “I had to get away from the house for a little while. What about you? Anything exciting happen this week?”
“No. Just work and finding things to fill the rest of the day.” I was a little annoyed that on the week Lucas was gone I didn’t seem to have a thing to do. It was my spring break, so not even studying could occupy me. “What time will you be home Sunday?”
“Well, it’s a good six hour drive, but will take longer in my car. I don’t want to push her.”
“Why didn’t you ride with your parents?”
“No way,” he laughed. “It’s bad enough staying with them for the week. A six hour car drive on top of that is asking too much.”
“Aww, I like your parents,” I said.
“I know. They like you, too, but you’ve only spent a day with them. And they were on their best behavior.” We both softly laughed. “The lake’s beautiful, by the way. My dad and I have gone out every morning. He fishes, and I sit and watch the sunrise. The water is so clear and calm.” Subconsciously, I started rubbing the hem of my pillow while I listened. R
ealizing, I sighed blissfully, but stilled my fingers. “I wish you could see it,” he said. “If the weather is good, the sun shining on the water is magnificent. We’ve been grilling and sitting around the fire at night. Mia is fed up with it now, but I really do love it. It’s just a little much being cooped up with them day in and out.”
It would be a different trip altogether if I were there. I imagined the two of us taking a boat out onto the water at dusk, or sitting on a dock talking and holding one another into the night. Would we share a bed even though his parents were there? I wasn’t sure how reserved they were, and I wouldn’t have wanted Helen to think less of me. Though, I did attack her son in their home only a few months ago—so maybe she should. “It sounds wonderful,” I said. “Maybe I’ll get to see it one day.”
“I hope- hang on a second…” He let out a frustrated sigh. “Uh, my mom is calling me. I better head back.”
“Okay. I’ll see you soon.”
“Night, Marzy.”
“Goodnight.”
Once our call ended, I went to my camera reel and pulled up the only picture of him that I had—the one I used for his contact photo. He wasn’t even looking at the camera, but he was smiling, knowing that I was taking it. His fingers held the guitar, his legs stretched out in front of him. My bedroom wall was in the background and the light from my desk lamp illuminated his head, making him look like he had a halo. I smiled and turned off my phone.
As I was getting ready for work the next day, I received a text message from him. It was a picture of the sunrise. He was right. It looked magnificent. The caption said, Wish you could be with me. Mia’s feet peeked into the corner of the picture, and I admired her tattoo. It was extravagant musical notes, with whimsical and flowing ends that stretched from her toes to her ankle.
Me, too! It IS beautiful.
I didn’t hear from him the rest of the day, but didn’t let it bother me. He’d be back soon, and hopefully we could sort everything out. And when the timing was right, I’d tell him how I felt.
Wally talked me into going with him to a bar that night. He said he needed a wingman, and even though I told him that I wouldn’t be any good, he insisted. Deciding to try a different place, he didn’t take me to Burns. It didn’t feel right without Lucas there anyway. We went to a dance club. Not my scene, but they had tables and a bar, so I didn’t have to dance. “If you think I’m getting out on that floor with you, you’re crazy,” I told Wally as we walked to the bar.
Starting Fires Page 30
