by Various
“I can’t tell which bit’s where” he says dismissively. We move away again. “I don’t suppose they told you the sex?”
“No…um, I didn’t ask.”
“Shame. It’d be nice to know my little boy’s kicking around in there. Eh, do you hear me son?” He shouts loudly, his voice too clear in my head. I stay quiet and he laughs.
That’s when the phone goes. I know the sound now – a too clear in my head. I stay quiet and laughs. high-pitched series of beeps that often causes Her to rush about or him to shout “get the phone, will you?” Then one of them will start speaking to someone who doesn’t seem to be here with us, unless they have suddenly arrived; I am not sure. The beeping doesn’t last long this time.
“Hello,” he grunts, and then “who is this?” He doesn’t sound pleased. “It’s for you,” he says, slowly, and then there is a whoosh and something hits Her just above me.
“Hello,” She says, hesitantly. “Oh, George!” It’s George, but I don’t think he’s here because I cannot hear him. We move away from him, a couple of twists and we’re alone. She is still speaking to George, sounding happy and afraid at the same time.
“It went alright thanks. The baby’s fine. I can show you the picture next time…Yes…Yes…Well, it’s nice of you to call, but you really shouldn’t…I mean, I’d prefer it if you didn’t…Yes…I’ll see you tomorrow.” And then George has gone altogether.
“Who was that?” he asks calmly when we get back to him.
“George, um…from the library. He covered for me today and he just called to ask how it went.”
“George. I see. And when the phone rang two nights ago and just called to ask how it went.” and you left the room was it George then too?”
“No…I told you that was –”
“And when you come back from work late which, by the way, I have noticed you doing lately, is that because of George?”
“No! I just walk a bit more slowly now. Sometimes I miss the –”
“Don’t give me your crap! You think you’re so much better than me, always have done. Well don’t forget you jumped at the chance to marry me, I didn’t force you. Your father was grateful I took you off his hands, even he’d had enough of you.”
“That’s not true, he had no idea what you’re really like. I had no idea…please, just stop! George is nothing, nobody, just a colleague.” She’s crying now, and I’m shaken with the convulsions. I brush my hands against the walls, to calm them, but in this moment I am powerless.
“Well that’s what you would say, isn’t it? That’s right, turn on the waterworks again. I’ve seen how you skip off to work, eager to get away. I’ve even followed you once or twice – oh, you didn’t know that did you? At least you haven’t been lying about where you’re going, though I wouldn’t put it past you. Why do you think I’ve been home a lot lately, eh? Why do you think I haven’t been able to work?”
“Haven’t been able? You haven’t worked for weeks, you’re just drinking all the time, that’s nothing to do with me!” She sounds shocked, confused.
“Nothing to do with you? It’s because I have to keep an eye on you! I can’t trust you, not like the other guys whose wives behave properly. Don’t you think I’d love to be out there working without a care in the world? Jim called the other day with a job and I had to turn him down, had to tell him I already had work. And you know why that was? Making sure you’re not shaming me is turning into a full-time job. I was thinking about working again this week, even called Jim back and left a message, but now I see I won’t be able to yet again.”
“You’re being ridiculous! You don’t have to watch me, I haven’t done anything wrong!”
A smacking sound makes me jump, and causes Her to step aside. The volume drops, and I stir in my pool, expectantly.
“How dare you call me ridiculous,” he spits out close by. “If you haven’t done anything wrong, how come no one else from work calls you, if your colleagues are all so concerned? How come the lovely George is the only one who has your number?”
“They all have my number, it’s in the staff log book” She sobs, “and Jean calls sometimes, you know that. He…George…he only called today because of the scan, because I told him about it and asked him to do my shift.”
“Aah, isn’t he nice? So caring. So interested in the scan…I because I told about it and asked to do my shift.” wonder why that is. Could it be he’s more connected to this baby than I know?” His voice is louder now, and I think he’s standing over us. I can hear his breath, heavy and menacing.
“What, what do you –?”
“How the fuck do I even know this baby is mine?” He says, defining each word slowly with the sharpness of his tongue. And then I’m back in the picture, the main focus. I feel Her body snatch upwards sharply, and the crying ceases.
“It couldn’t be anyone else’s.” She replies, slowly and definitively. Her beats speed up, and so do mine. The whooshing intensifies in my ears, and I feel dizzy.
“Is that because you were more careful, with George?” He laughs, a horrible sound. Not like when She laughs, not like when we’re happy. I don’t know who he is to us, but I want Her to take us away. Instead, She screams, a sound that terrifies me, and we are jerked forwards until She is lying down and I am squashed.
“Ah, my hair! Let go, please…the baby –!” She cries, but then She starts moving without standing up. The walls are pushing in to me, and I cannot move.
“Get upstairs, you bitch,” he instructs, and after a few seconds She manages to lift herself and I am relieved though I stay quite still. I hear scrambling, and I know he is behind us and we cannot get away.
I hear water running in between Her shrieks, and he is muttering to us but I don’t know what he’s saying. Then the whole room flies forwards and She screams again before it warps into a gurgling sound. Water gushes, and then I can hear him again.
“Don’t ever think you can get one over on me,” he shouts,
“Don’t ever think you can trick me, because I’ll know, and I’ll be waiting.” More gurgling, followed by gasps. The walls go in and out, rapidly, freeing then squeezing me. The beats rush in my ears and my head is spinning. Another splash, and then calm. The room is still shaking, but I hear nothing, and after a while I cannot take this any more and I start to drift away, gently slipping until I know nothing more.
When I wake, we are alone. My head is hurting, and I feel extremely tired. Something is pushing gently on the walls, and I muster up a little strength to squirm against it.
“Oh, thank goodness!” I hear Her say quietly. I stay still, in case he is there, but he’s not. She lies flat and I push back a little more as She presses down gently on my head.
“I’m sorry,” She whispers, “I’m sorry baby, please forgive me, I’m sorry.” I can’t respond too much, but She seems appeased. “Shah, my little girl, I’m here.” She whispers again, “we’re OK now.” I let myself wallow in Her gentle tones and again I sleep, dreams of rushing water making me twitch from time to time.
The next day, everything was silent until we went out. She went through the usual motions, but there was no interaction with him and I couldn’t even tell if he was there or not. I felt much better; almost back to normal, though I’m not sure She did.
“What happened?” Jean asked, as soon as we got inside.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” The first time I had heard Her voice that day, always reassuring.
“You’d better get in the back. I’ll be there in a minute, I’ll just get Noel to look after things.” Noel was someone else who’d been around lately gaining ‘experience’. He had a voice like George’s, but squeaky. She moved off before I could hear Noel’s reply, and within a few seconds the door swished and we were alone until it swished once more and Jean was with us again.
“I’ll put the kettle on,” she said, “you sit right there.” I liked Jean. More than anyone, she reminded me a little of Her.
“Th
ank you,” She said, and we sat.
“Did he do this to you?” Jean do this to you?” Jean asked tentatively as something near to us bubbled, hissed, calmed down and then tinkled.
“Does it look that bad?”
“No…not that bad. But what happened? I’ve seen you with puffy eyes before but you look like you’ve caught the sun badly too. And what’s happened to your hair?”
“He…he…” yet She cannot finish, and I am shaken once more as She cries.
“Sshhh, it’s alright. Let it out. Here, look, take this tissue.”
“Thank you.” I can hear Her inhale and exhale deeply a few times.
“That’s it – have a sip of your tea too.”
“George called, yesterday, when I got home.”
“Oh Lord. Where did he get your number? From get your number? From the log? I’ve told everyone those are there for emergencies only.”
“It’s not George’s fault, he was just being kind. But when I got off the phone, my husband went mad. Accused me of all sorts. I just don’t know what to do when he gets like that, if I stay silent it enrages him and he does whatever he likes, but if I protest he gets furious too.”
“So he was angry about George calling?”
“George only called to find out how the scan went. It was nice of him really, but he shouldn’t have. We only spoke for two minutes but that was enough. He…no, I can’t, I don’t want to say any more. I’ll only cause more trouble, I mustn’t –”
“None of this is your fault! You don’t need to protect him. And I’m not going to tell anyone, don’t worry, I just want to help you.”
“You promise you won’t say anything? Because I know you want to help, but that would make things so much worse.”
“I promise. But you can’t go on like this, not now you have a baby to think about.”
“Well, that’s another thing. He was ranting about the baby, whether it was even his, and then he –” Her voice dropped low, so quiet I could only just hear it. “He dragged me up the stairs by my hair, ran hot water into the bath and…and held my head under it.”
Jean gasped. “The bastard! He’s a piece of work. You need to report him to the police – you’re carrying his child and he’s treating you like that?”
“No, please, you promised. It wasn’t for long, I think I was just scalded.”
“Relax, I said I won’t say anything and I won’t. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t.”
“I can’t, I can’t…I’m sure he won’t do it again, it was just a misunderstanding. He’s been on edge because there hasn’t been much work, and he’s been at home a lot.”
“Drinking again, no doubt?”
“Sometimes…but he doesn’t doesn’t mean to hurt me, he’s just anxious with the baby and everything. You know how men get when they feel out of control, like they’re not the head of the household.”
“I can name a damn few men who would never treat their wives like that, I can assure you.”
“Please, can we just leave it? I don’t want any more upset, not for the baby. She’s been really quiet since it happened and I just want to get back to normal.”
“She?”
“Yes, I found out at the scan! But keep it to yourself – he asked me when I got home and I told him I didn’t find out. He’d be disappointed.”
“He wants a boy then? There’s a surprise. Well, you make sure that little one’s still active, and if not you go and get checked out. Don’t want to be taking any risks. With him behaving like that, you’re the only one looking after that baby and you owe it as much care as you can manage.”
“I know. I just hope this never happens once she’s born. I’m sure he wouldn’t –” She sobs again and I feel Her pressing down on me, so I lean towards the pressure.
“Come on,” says Jean, “let’s take a look at your face. I have some foundation that should cover up most of the redness, and if we take your hair down it’ll cover that patch.
“Thank you…I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Nonsense, you’d cope fine. But if anything like this ever happens again…if he so much as threatens you, I want you to tell me, alright? And if you need to get away, at any time, you just call me and you can stay with me. You can’t just think of yourself any more, you need to make sure you’re both safe.” “
Thank you. I really do appreciate it you know. But I’m sure we’ll be fine. I won’t let anything happen to this baby.”
I fall into the ensuing silence, and wake to hear George’s voice. It makes me happy, so I kick a little. I have less room now, and it’s harder to bounce around in here; even my back is pressed up against the wall.
“I’m sorry,” he was saying, “I just thought I’d see how you got on.”
“It’s OK, it was nice of you, really. It’s just that…my husband’s a little…” She stops, Her voice breaking a little.
“It’s just that those phone numbers are for work emergencies only, and you shouldn’t refer to them for personal calls.” Jean interrupts.
“Right, I’m…er…sorry.” George stutters.
“I have to go,” She mumbles, and then we’re off, without so much as a goodbye.
Sometimes, I’m awake whilst they are asleep. There’s not a lot I can do, in here, but I’m slowly coming to understand my purpose. As much as I am part of Her, it seems that I may be part of him as well. I know Her, but he and I are still strangers to each other. In the dark, I can hear him make a long grunting noise, and it’s become almost comforting to me now. I like it when he is here, but asleep.
When it’s dark, I am swimming in their dreams. The thrumming in my ears is always there, but all else is still. She breaths, in and out, calm and contented. Sometimes She turns and I am tossed in a loop, rocked momentarily, our bodies charged with current. Then She is still again, and my own jerks cannot wake Her; She has a break from me whilst I watch under Her, encompassed in a chamber tailor-made for me.
I think my purpose is to stay here as long as possible, and not let him get to me. She and I are meant to look after each other. I don’t know how long it will be for, but things are changing in here, or rather in Her. She is more tired now, and I think it’s because of me. I am getting bigger, and stronger, and if this continues I won’t be here much longer because the pool is not infinite and soon it won’t be enough. I understand more by the day, and I want to fight back. I dictate more of Her actions now – She sleeps longer, consumes more, breathes deeply and walks more slowly. She speaks of me to others, and they ask how I am. I am Her main focus, though we are separated by these walls. She is tired, but never tires of me, of displaying Her voice, Her tunes, when we are alone. She provides the stimuli to all my senses; the light to my eyes, the sound to my ears, the barrier to my touch. I feed off Her body, and Her thoughts. She grows as I grow, and I move as She moves – each in control of the other. I am at Her mercy, and She is at mine.
He cannot get me in here, I think. He can get Her, but She won’t let him get me, and I feel safe from him, accepting of him, even. She needs him, too, else we’d be away, away with one of the others with whom bad times do not exist. But the good times, with him, bring Her comfort. Deep inside, where I remain, I think She cannot take me away from him, because I am him, too.
I call myself ‘I’ but they call me ‘baby’. When they are happy, they call me to perform, to dance for their amusement and I willingly oblige. They push down on me to get my attention, not realising they have it whenever I am awake. They make plans together; trips and shops, paint and furniture, clothes and toys all smattered about their talk. They stay close together, and I hear their breathing, faithful and synchronised. I wade in the middle, biding my time. And I understand more each day, how She and I may be something, but the three of us are whole.
The next few weeks passed fairly peacefully. He even took a construction job that came up, so he ventured outside when we did each day, sometimes before. There would be a great rumbling
when we got outside, and they would say goodbye to each other before he disappeared. Sometimes when we returned he wouldn’t be there. Those other voices only surfaced late at night, and not even every day. I grew into this peace, infringing Her activity and inciting Her to rest.
One day, She told him in the morning that we were going for blood tests and might be back late. He barely paid any attention – the idea of me excites him, but I am not real for him yet. We remained inside much later than him, and when we ventured out we took a strange trip again to the large, twisted space full of unfamiliar sounds about which I’m unsure how to feel. There was a lot of sitting, waiting, and drifting away, before a voice addressed us briefly and then we were moving again, through the coils of this space and back into the open.
There were only two places we could go now, I thought: back to the whispering nest, or back to the dwelling place where he too would return. But, as it turned out, we headed to neither. Instead, something strange happened. We dove into another world, which made me realise I haven’t understood very much at all.
She walked steadily to a new place that shifted my bearings because there were no beeps or clicks, but there were whispers with a voice I knew. A voice that didn’t belong in this unfamiliar place.
“Have you been waiting long?” She asked, just after She sat down. I shifted a little, positioning myself so I could remain comfortable and within earshot. Her beats thrummed steadily, threatening to drown out the conversation.
“About half-an-hour,” said George, “but I don’t mind. Did you get the tests done?”
“Yes, sorry, you had to take a ticket and there was a bit of a queue. Anyway, I’m here now, or rather, we’re here.” She presses down upon me, and I turn my cheek towards Her.
“Yes, you are. Bigger by the day! How are you feeling?”
