‘You will find Beggi, won’t you?’
‘Yes, we’ll find him,’ his mother reassures him. ‘It’s only a matter of time. We’ll find him, you can rely on that.’
‘He must be cold.’
‘Now, we mustn’t think like that,’ says his mother. ‘I know we’ve asked you a hundred times already but can you remember anything that might help us? Could you see any landmarks? Do you have any idea what direction you were going in?’
He shakes his head. ‘I never saw a thing after we lost Dad. Just snow. I could hardly open my eyes. I don’t know if I was walking uphill or down. Sometimes I had to crawl. I didn’t see any landmarks. I didn’t see anything at all.’
‘They say the position they found you in suggests you might have been heading away from home, driven by the wind. The storm seems to have blown you further than we would have dreamed possible. You were so high up it was sheer luck we found you. Since then we’ve been searching even higher. Do you think Beggi could have gone that way?’
‘He was supposed to stick with me. I was holding his hand all the time but suddenly he wasn’t there any more. I kept shouting and calling his name but I couldn’t even hear my own voice.’
He is struggling to suppress his tears.
‘I know that, dear,’ says his mother. ‘I know. Thank God we found you, my darling.’ She hugs him tight.
‘Beggi took his little car with him,’ he says.
‘What car?’
‘The one Dad gave him.’
‘The little red one?’
‘Yes.’
‘The one you wanted?’
‘I didn’t want it,’ he says quickly.
‘But you two quarrelled over it.’
‘I only asked him to swap it. For some soldiers.’
‘But he didn’t want to?’
‘No.’
‘And he had it with him when you left home?’
‘Yes.’
He is on the verge of telling her what he said to his father before they set out on the fateful journey. He only mentioned the car because he wants to unburden himself, but he can’t bring himself to. He doesn’t know why. Perhaps because there is still hope that all will turn out well. That Beggi will be found and then it won’t matter any more.
‘We’ll find him,’ repeats his mother. ‘Don’t worry. As soon as the storm dies down. They say it’s bound to blow itself out soon. When it does, we’ll be ready and we’ll find Beggi. There are more people coming to help and we’ll be able to organise ourselves better. We’ll find him, you can count on that.’
He nods.
‘Now, try to get some rest, dear. Try to sleep as much as you can. You need it.’
Then she is gone and he is left alone with his thoughts, the roaring of the wind still echoing in his ears. It batters the house as if it wanted to rip it up from its foundations and blow it to kingdom come. He tosses and turns for an eternity, then falls into an indeterminate state between sleep and waking, before fatigue finally overwhelms him and plunges him into evil dreams.
He is alone in the house, unprotected against the elements. He might as well be lying outside on the ground. The doors swing loosely on their hinges, the windows are broken and all life has vanished from within; all furniture, light and colour. Inside it is dark, dreary and dead. Water trickles down the bare, clammy walls as if they were weeping.
Glancing down, he catches sight of a man lying on the floor in a sleeping bag with a blanket over him. He stoops and is about to prod him when the man suddenly turns over and stares right through him. He gets a terrible shock. He has never seen the man before and his heart is filled with fear.
He is woken by the sound of his own screaming. He screams for all he is worth, till his lungs are ready to burst, till his face is scarlet and swollen. Screams and screams as if his life depended on it, until his mother comes in with the doctor and they manage to give him another shot of sedative.
25
IN THE EVENT, Erlendur had no trouble arranging a lift from Neskaupstadur back to Hrund’s house. Having retrieved his car, he drove home to the ruined croft as evening fell. As he brought in more blankets, he saw to his satisfaction that his camp in the old sitting room was still dry. He lit the gas lantern and the room soon began to warm up around him. After two cigarettes and a cup of strong coffee, he took out the takeaway he had purchased on his way home. It was wrapped in an insulating bag so should still be lukewarm. To his surprise, he discovered that he was hungry and polished off most of the meal of lamb in thick brown gravy with mashed potato and a small pot of jelly. He washed it down with more coffee and smoked another couple of cigarettes. Then he picked up his book, a history of Icelandic students in Copenhagen in the nineteenth century. From time to time as he read a smile rose to his lips and once he even laughed out loud.
While his eyes were following the words, however, his attention began to stray back to Hrund and to the fate of all those left behind when their loved ones depart this life without warning, leaving the survivors to wrestle with feelings of bereavement and even guilt. When someone disappeared, all the focus was on the lost person, on the circumstances of their life and possible explanations for what had happened. But Erlendur’s interest went further. He had said as much to Marion Briem, his colleague of many years, whom he missed more than he cared to admit. Marion had known how to listen; known, perhaps better than anyone, about loss. Erlendur attributed this to Marion’s childhood experience of tuberculosis, which had led to prolonged sojourns in sanatoria in Iceland and Denmark. On the whole Marion had been reluctant to speak of it, but occasionally over the years, at Erlendur’s prompting, had opened up enough to give an impression of those times: the rows of patients lying in the wards, coughing up blood; the grim surgical procedures like collapsing the infected lung or removing ribs. These accounts had been tinged with a sense of grief that Erlendur guessed was connected to a lost love, though Marion never said so.
‘What exactly do you mean?’ Marion had asked once when he tried to explain this reaction.
‘I’m telling you that as a professional, as a police officer, my main objective is to find out what happened, who disappeared, how and why.’
‘Yes,’ Marion had said. ‘That’s obvious.’
‘But then I start wondering: what about all the others?’
‘Others?’
‘The ones left behind.’
‘What about them?’
‘The people I pity are the ones left to cope with the fallout. Who have to endure the sadness for the rest of their lives. It’s them I’m concerned with.’
‘Policemen can’t be responsible for men’s souls, Erlendur,’ Marion had said. ‘That’s what priests are for.’
‘But I can’t stop thinking about it.’
‘And trying to help.’
‘If I can. But there’s so little one can do.’
Erlendur stared blankly into the black void of the house and listened to the moaning of the wind. Eventually, he put down his book and enjoyed a dreamless night’s sleep in the warmth of the gas lantern.
The road through the Fagridalur Valley had been snowploughed by the time Erlendur drove along it at lunchtime next day. He parked outside the care home in Egilsstadir and thought about all those who remembered the story of Matthildur and Jakob. Most were getting on; some, like Ninna and Ezra, were very elderly. Soon their tales would be forgotten, along with their lives and fates, their sorrows and triumphs. They would all vanish into the eternal silence, laid to rest under the green turf of the graveyard, where in the end their only visitor would be the wind in the grass.
Kjartan recognised him immediately in spite of his poor eyesight. He asked if Erlendur had found anything useful in his mother’s trunk. Erlendur nodded: actually he had discovered a letter from Matthildur that had provided a promising lead.
‘Well, that’s good,’ said Kjartan, after they had sat down together in the otherwise empty lounge. ‘So you’re back again, are you? I don’t
know what more I can do for you. Did you say you were going to publish it in a book?’
‘I don’t know. It’s mostly to satisfy my own curiosity. I’ve spoken to a few locals and they’ve all been very kind. It’s extraordinary how much they remember.’
‘Yes, they’re good folk round here,’ agreed Kjartan. ‘I haven’t a bad word to say about them.’
Erlendur nodded again. On the drive through the Arctic landscape he had been debating how to bring up the subject of Kjartan’s father tactfully, and wondering whether the old man knew his true paternity. He used a different patronymic, after all. And judging from what people said, Jakob could be an awkward subject to broach with anyone – particularly his supposed illegitimate son. As both a stranger and no relation, Erlendur had absolutely no right to go around interrogating people about the past, and it was doubly despicable to talk to them under false pretences. He wanted to come clean; he abhorred using duplicity and underhand methods when dealing with honest people.
‘I’m not sure I’ve explained my interest in Matthildur’s death or disappearance properly,’ he said after a pause. ‘The subject came up recently when I was talking to a man called Bóas, but actually my fascination with the story of Matthildur and Jakob and their families goes back a long way.’
Kjartan fixed his unseeing eyes on him, puzzled as to what Erlendur was implying.
‘I’m a policeman from Reykjavík, on holiday out here. As it happens, my family comes from these parts and I first heard about Matthildur when I was a boy. Her story intrigues me. But I’m not trying to expose anyone. This is in no way a police investigation.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me this before?’ asked Kjartan. ‘You didn’t mention it, did you? If you did, I don’t remember. I was under the impression you were a historian.’
‘No,’ said Erlendur, ‘I’m not a historian. I felt it was better you understood before we talked any further – if you still want to, that is.’
Kjartan considered this. Erlendur waited patiently. He couldn’t predict how the old man would react.
‘I’ve had to put up with a lot because of my family history,’ Kjartan said at last. ‘But I don’t believe it’s any business of the police. I’d be grateful if you’d be on your way.’
Erlendur hesitated, at a loss as to how to retrieve the situation. As he dithered, the opportunity slipped from his hands.
‘Good day,’ said Kjartan, standing up.
‘There’s a chance I might be able to find out what happened to Matthildur,’ Erlendur interjected hastily. ‘With your help, that is.’
‘Good day,’ repeated Kjartan and stalked out of the lounge and down the corridor towards his room.
Erlendur sighed. He watched Kjartan’s retreating back. The man’s objections were only fair: Erlendur had no right to interfere in his life. Yet he couldn’t leave it at that. Even if Kjartan wasn’t concealing any knowledge that would help uncover further details about Matthildur’s fate, the fact remained that he was an important link in the story.
A member of staff came in and asked if he could help him, and Erlendur explained that he was on his way out. He traipsed down the corridor, past Kjartan’s room. The old man had left his door ajar and Erlendur paused outside. For an instant he considered testing the old man’s patience still further, but in the end decided to leave well alone.
‘Are you still there?’ came Kjartan’s voice.
Erlendur pushed the door open. Kjartan was sitting on the bed, his eyes on the floor.
‘There’s not much to do here but listen for footsteps,’ he said.
‘I’m leaving,’ said Erlendur. ‘I just wanted you to know that I’m not prying. I’m not some sort of ghoul. And I’m not here in any official capacity. I’m simply looking for answers. I’ve been in contact with your aunt Hrund.’
‘Yes, well, I don’t know her.’
‘So I gather.’ Erlendur lingered in the doorway.
‘What do you think happened to Matthildur?’ asked Kjartan.
‘I don’t know,’ said Erlendur, beginning to ease his way into the room. ‘She probably died of exposure on the way to Reydarfjördur.’
‘My mother and I didn’t get along,’ said Kjartan, ‘so I left home as soon as I could. I know it sounds harsh but there it is.’
‘Was that in part because you were aware of your father’s identity?’
‘Yes.’
‘When did you find out it was Jakob?’
‘Why do you need to know that?’
‘I need to understand the bigger picture,’ said Erlendur, choosing his words with care. ‘Everything matters, especially details that seem trivial.’
‘I’ve known ever since I was old enough to understand,’ said Kjartan. ‘I feel like I’ve always known. But I moved out east long after he died, so I never met him or heard from him as a child. I suppose I moved here partly because my parents used to live in the east and my mother always spoke well of the people here.’
‘So she told you about Jakob?’
Kjartan nodded. ‘Apparently he always denied being my father. I don’t know why. Perhaps it was to do with his past. I’ve often wondered. I don’t think my mother was lying. She didn’t really know much about him – could hardly utter his name. She was full of bitterness, hatred even. It’s not a very pleasant subject for me, as you can imagine.’
‘No, I can understand that,’ said Erlendur. ‘You call yourself Halldórsson.’
‘My mother was very lucky to meet such a decent man in Reykjavík. He was always kind to me.’
‘Did your mother have any further contact with Jakob that you’re aware of?’
‘No, none,’ said Kjartan. ‘That would have been unthinkable. He rejected her, rejected her child. I can’t blame her.’
‘What about Matthildur then? They wrote to each other.’
‘Did they? I wasn’t aware of that, but then she died very young.’
‘She didn’t know about your mother’s relationship with Jakob until your mother wrote her a letter telling her the whole story. By then she and Jakob had been married for some time. Naturally, the letter had repercussions. What did your mother say when Matthildur vanished? What did she believe had happened?’
‘Have you uncovered something new?’
‘No,’ said Erlendur. ‘Nothing.’
‘She didn’t know any more than the rest of them,’ said Kjartan, his vacant gaze still on his threadbare felt slippers. ‘Naturally she was beside herself with grief – I can remember that – but it goes with the territory when you live in Iceland. People accept it. At least, that was the attitude in those days. Still is, I believe.’
‘There were rumours.’
‘Yes, I know. I heard some of them when I came out here. Aren’t they just part of the whole syndrome? All this endless gossip? My mother never paid it any attention, nor did her sisters. I gather Jakob wasn’t a very . . . how shall I put it? . . . easy man to get along with. The family were just sad not to be able to give Matthildur a proper funeral. I heard my mother say once that they’d have liked to have been able to bury her.’
‘How did your mother react when Jakob drowned?’
‘“Good riddance.” That’s all she ever said.’
Kjartan raised his eyes in the general direction of Erlendur’s face.
‘Since you’re asking about reactions . . .’
‘Yes?’
‘I once looked up that aunt of mine who’s always lived here. I had some idea about wanting to meet my relatives.’
‘You mean Hrund?’
‘Yes. It was the first and only time I met her. She was very cold. Said I must take after my father in looks, and she didn’t mean it as a compliment. She claimed she couldn’t see any resemblance to her family, then told me not to bother her again. I expect she must have been listening to gossip.’
‘You never know.’
‘I’m aware it sounds childish but . . . I’ve always felt hurt by that.’
Erlendur
thought.
‘I found an obituary of your father in the trunk. His friend found plenty of kind things to say about him.’
‘Was that the piece with “bastard” written across it?’
‘Yes.’
Kjartan smiled bitterly. ‘That was the start I got in life.’ He turned to face Erlendur again. ‘I’d like you to go now,’ he said. ‘And please don’t bother coming back.’
26
ERLENDUR LEFT EGILSSTADIR towards evening. He was impatient to confront Ezra with Hrund’s claims about his affair with Matthildur but decided it was rather late to pay him a visit and resolved to wait until the following morning. The question preoccupying him was whether Jakob had learned of their secret and, if so, how he had reacted. Had he found out before Matthildur went missing or had he remained in ignorance? Years later Ezra had told Hrund’s mother the story of their relationship, but only after much pleading. Could he have told anyone else? Who else was in the know? Erlendur felt a certain trepidation, guessing that Ezra was unlikely to be cooperative. But he knew his insatiable craving for answers would overwhelm his doubts.
He stopped at the petrol station in Eskifjördur, where he bought a sandwich, filled his Thermos with coffee and topped up his supply of cigarettes. Then, on an impulse, he left the car where it was parked and strolled over to the graveyard which he had often visited on his trips here. It was situated on a slope on the outskirts of the village: an oasis of silence, enclosed by a handsome stone wall. Now, in the twilight, a thin dusting of snow lay on the ground but the grave inscriptions were still legible. As always he admired the austere, orderly beauty of the place, the hushed atmosphere, filled with the spirits of the departed.
Many years after that journey east with his father’s coffin, his mother had passed away after a short spell in hospital. He had been at her bedside; had not left it since the day she was admitted. They had hardly spoken, but towards the end she sensed his presence and it was enough. She had always talked of being buried beside her husband Sveinn, in the plot that awaited her in Eskifjördur. So Erlendur had flown out with the coffin and, repeating his father’s last journey, his mother was transported over the final stretch by lorry. The roads had improved little in the intervening years and by some extraordinary stroke of fate it was the same driver that had transported Sveinn to his last resting place. He was no less talkative now.
Strange Shores Page 11
