“Now let me just get your sister, and we’ll be all set,” Mom beams, twirling away in a cloud of golden curls and flowing layers.
Anna and I sit quietly on the porch, the night sounds of insects and other creatures rising up around us like a symphony. We still haven’t had a second to talk since the other day on the dock. In all honesty, I don’t even know where she’s been, for the last couple of days.
“You want first dibs?” I offer, nodding at the impressive spread.
“Yeah. Sure,” she says disinterestedly, plucking a single strawberry from the fruit plate and popping it into her mouth. I reach for the wine key and set to work uncorking a bottle of Malbec. I know what my priorities are.
“What have you been up to, these past few days?” I ask her point blank, pouring two generous glasses of wine. “I haven’t seen hide or hair of you.”
“I told you,” she says flatly, “I’ve been hanging out with Finn and his band. Taking some pictures for them.”
“For days?” I press
“It’s not like there’s anyone to hang out with here,” she replies, flicking her eyes over to me, “What with you and Maddie making yourselves scarce, and all.”
There it is. The same accusatory tone my little sister leveled at me the other day by the water. I don’t mind confrontation with her or anyone. But I have my suspicions about why she’s angry. And if I let her air her grievances, she may very well make me account for my history with Luke. Not to mention my present with him. The two of us have been trying to avoid this very thing from happening since we got here. But now, after our conversation this morning, everything has changed. I can stop lying to my sister. All I have to do is let her ask her questions. The rest will take care of itself…I hope.
“Anna,” I begin, taking a deep steadying breath, “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” she asks, peering at me over the rim of her wineglass.
“For making you feel like I don’t trust you,” I go on, lowering my gaze, “For not checking in with you to make sure you were OK.”
“Are we talking about now, or these whole past few years?” she asks coolly.
“Both? I guess?” I tell her, floundering. “I just want you to know that I do trust you. More than anyone in the world. I want you to be a bigger part of my life, Anna. And I’m sorry if I haven’t let you be before. If there’s…If there’s anything I can do. If there’s anything you want to know, or ask me…Well, I’m all ears. And no lip, for once in my damn life.”
“Really?” she asks, eyebrows raised.
“Really,” I assure her, leaning forward in my Adirondack chair. “Go on, Anna. Ask me.”
My little sister chews on her lip, looking away from me as she weighs her next words carefully. I can see her mulling over the options, wondering whether or not she even wants the truth from me now. But when she next looks up at me, I know she’s made her choice. This is it. The moment of truth.
“Sophie,” she begins quietly, “Are you—?”
“Got her!” Mom’s singsong voice bursts from the doorway, making Anna and I jump out of our skins, “Maddie will be down in just a second.”
I fall back against my chair, frustrated and disappointed. We were so close. I can sense Anna’s dismay as well, and lift my blue eyes to her matching ones.
We’ll talk soon, I try to assure her with my eyes alone.
And if I had to guess, I’d say that her look translates to, You bet your ass we will.
Maddie finally graces us with her presence, stepping out to take the last seat at our impromptu feast. I watch the same pang of suspicion shoot through her body as she takes in the spread. Mom only goes above and beyond like this when something is wrong.
I sit up like a shot as a sudden, beautiful thought occurs to me. What if she’s gathered us all out here to let us know that she and John are finally breaking up? What if this is our last night at the lake house, and John’s giving her some space to break the news while he gets the boys up to speed? To Mom and John, parting ways might seem like another disappointment for their kids. If only they knew what a blessing such a parting would be. Buoyed by my theory, I settle back in my seat, happily nursing my wine. I even go so far as to humor my mom’s small talk—that’s how good of a mood I’m in.
“I think it’s very smart of you, getting some extra credits over the summer,” my Mom says, as the conversation babbles happily along.
“I just want the option of graduating early, if anything good comes up,” I tell her, “Acting apprenticeships are pretty competitive. If I snag a good one in the middle of senior year, I want to be able to grab it.”
“Campus must be pretty quiet in the summer,” Mom continues, heaping a plate with cheese and crackers, “I’m sure it’ll be relaxing to get some alone time.”
“Not that you’ll be entirely without company,” Anna speaks up pointedly. I glance over at her quickly. Does she know that Luke is going to working on campus this summer?
“Oh! Will some of your friends be doing the summer session too?” Mom chirps, “How fun.”
“Uh. Kind of,” I mutter. May as well give this truth-telling thing a shot. “It, uh, turns out that Luke is going to be TA-ing some more classes this session…And he’s going to be an RA, too.”
“RA? What’s that?” Mom asks me.
“A resident assistant,” I clarify, “It means he’ll be living in the dorms, too. Making sure us kiddos don’t get into any trouble.”
“Get out,” Mom gasps, grabbing for my hand, “That is so, so wonderful. And here I thought all you kids were going to go your separate ways after this week. I’m so glad you two will get to keep on being friends.”
“Uh-huh,” I reply, trying to keep my cool.
Holy crap…I was right. With all this talk about “going our separate ways” and “staying friends”, Mom must be working up to telling us that she and John are splitsville! I can’t believe how good this timing is. Just when Luke and I are getting ready to come clean about our status, it turns out there’s nothing dirty about what we’re doing. Not anymore.
“I guess Sophie and Luke will have to be the ones keeping in touch for us all us, huh?” Anna says, dragging my attention back to the conversation, “Since the rest of us will be going home after this?”
“Seems that way,” Maddie adds, her voice a bit stilted.
I look around at my mom and sisters, excitement flooding me from head to toe. It will be such a relief to tell them about how I really feel for Luke. Sure, it might be a little awkward for Mom down the line, Luke being her ex’s—or rather, double-ex’s—son and all. But I’m sure she’ll be onto the next guy by then, anyway.
“Well, actually…” my Mom says, a small smile creeping across her face, “I wanted to talk to you girls about just that.”
Oh my god. This is it. The moment that will change everything for me and Luke.
“What’s up, Mom?” I ask, trying to keep the excitement out of my voice.
“Well,” Mom sighs, sipping her wine with no small bit of drama, “I know I told you that my plan for this summer was to spend a little time getting grounded in my hometown before going back to Vermont. Really, I just wanted a couple of weeks away from it all. At first.”
I watch my sisters’ faces become uneasy, and feel my own expression reflecting theirs’. I wish she would just spit out the good news already, before I have a conniption.
“Are you staying for longer, then?” Anna asks her, brow furrowed, “Did you find another place to rent in town or something?”
“Or something,” Mom bubbles, smile widening. She has that mischievous glint in her eye that almost always spells trouble. A cold spike of dread pierces my gut as she goes on. Have I completely misjudged this situation? And if so, what fresh hell is she about to spring on us?
“Actually…” Mom trills, glancing around at us conspiratorially, “God, I feel like a teenager again, dishing with you girls like this. But actually, things have been going so well for me an
d John here that he’s…he’s invited me to stay!”
I feel the wind rush out my lungs as my body goes stone still. The alarm that was only a whisper moments ago raises its voice to a keening wail. And all it keeps saying is, “NO. NO. NO.”
“You mean like, for another couple of weeks…?” Maddie asks quickly.
“And another, and another,” Mom beams, oblivious to the distress on her daughters’ faces. As fucking usual.
“Mom, just cut to the chase, OK?” I snap at her, my heart dashing itself against my ribcage, “Exactly how long are you going to stay here playing house with John?”
“Watch your tone,” Mom shoots back at me, her airy demeanor suddenly run through with fire, “But since you ask, I’m planning on staying indefinitely.”
There it is. The nail in the coffin. Not only can Luke and I not come forward about our feelings now, I’m not sure we can even be a “we” anymore. If Mom and John are taking the next step in their relationship, if this isn’t just a fling after all but a full-fledged relationship…there’s no way Luke and I can keep pretending that what we’re doing isn’t wrong.
For the first time since meeting Luke, acidic shame starts to eat away at me. This incredible, life-changing thing we found in each other has, in a moment, become something sick. Something we should be embarrassed about. Something we should bury deep inside ourselves and never drag out into the light of day again.
And I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive my mother for that.
“But…You don’t live here,” Anna sputters, sounding far younger than her years, “You live in Vermont. In our house. The house we’ve always lived in.”
“Yes, dear,” Mom snaps impatiently, “I know. I have been living in that house much longer than any of you. And since you’re planning to move out to go ‘find yourself’, Anna, I’d soon be living there all alone. Or I would have been, if John hadn’t offered—”
“Are you… Selling our house?” Maddie cuts her off.
“I am planning to sell the house, yes,” Mom replies without ceremony.
“But that’s—you can’t—were you even going to talk to us about it?!” I shout, feeling the world fall away beneath my feet.
“That’s what I’m doing now,” Mom sighs, exasperated, “Not that I need your permission, but I’m taking my time weighing the decision to—”
“Really? Because it seems to me like you’ve already made your choice,” I cut in, “We love that house, Mom. Our whole childhoods, our entire lives with Dad was there. That place is all we have left of him. We can’t lose—”
“Don’t tell me about loss,” Mom spits back at me, her entire demeanor transforming. All week, we’ve only been seeing her bright and cheery side. But now that dark streak of hers has come out to play. “I know all about loss, thank you. Your father was the love of my life, from the time I was just a girl. You’ll never be able to feel the loss of him the way I have.”
“Christ, Mom…” Maddie says disgustedly, “Are you seriously making our grief into a pissing contest right now?”
“Of course not,” Mom replies sharply, “Because it’s no contest whatsoever. Your father is a part of your past. You can all move on and lead long, happy lives now. But he was my future. My entire future. I’ve lost more than you can possibly imagine, losing him.”
Maddie falls back against the chair, shocked by our mother’s unfeeling, deluded response. But honestly? I wish I was surprised by her callousness. By now, her disregard for us isn’t shocking. It’s just disappointing as hell.
“What would you even know about what we’ve all been going through since Dad died?” Maddie says softly, “In the past three years, you haven’t bothered to check in with any of us about how we were doing. Not once. You don’t know the first thing about how his death has changed our lives.”
“Please,” Mom says, waving her hand dismissively, “I think I know my own daughters—”
“Did you know I’ve been seriously depressed for the last three years?” Maddie cries, “Did you know that I barely made it through the first semester back at school after he died? That I almost dropped out just before graduating? I talked about being a literature professor like him for my entire life. Did you ever wonder why I suddenly changed my mind and punted to marketing? It’s because reading the books he loved, following in his footsteps, was too painful for me once he was gone. His death has changed my entire life. My entire future. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. And all that's to say nothing of your other two daughters.”
I stare up at my big sister, my heart wringing painfully in my chest. I’ve never heard Maddie speak so bluntly about her own struggles with Dad’s death. While I was off working through my own grief, she was all alone on the West Coast with no one to help her through hers. Mom’s body goes rigid as she throws her gaze my and Anna’s way.
“Is this how you girls feel as well?” she asks us, “That I’ve been ‘negligent to your needs’ since Archie passed away? Hmm?”
Anna’s blue eyes harden to stone as they fix on Mom’s face. “I don’t know if you can say ‘negligent. Since you never considered our needs in the first place. I’d say indifferent, if anything.”
I stare at my little sister, taken aback. She never calls Mom out on her shit, preferring to protect her feelings and let her keep on living in the fantasy world she’s created. Christ, do I know anything about my sisters at all?
“That’s ridiculous!” Mom says heatedly.
“Why bother asking if you’re just going to shoot us down?” Anna shouts back, “The truth is, Mom, that we’ve been taking care of you since Dad died.”
“Especially Anna,” I say, finally picking my jaw up off the floor, “I got to run off to drama school and deal with shit on my own, but she was left to pick up the pieces while you collapsed. We know that Dad’s passing was hard on you. Of course it was. But how can you say that we didn’t feel it too? How can you know so little about your own kids and not even care?”
“Well,” Mom says, rising to her feet, “If this is the way you feel, then I’d think you’d be happy to be rid of me. I’ll stay here with John, and take myself off your hands for good.”
“For good?” I cry, pulling all the punches now, “Mom, be serious. You’ve had plenty of flings since dad died. How is this one any different? You’re putting our family, our home, everything at stake for him. Please, just take a second to consider—”
“You’ve given me plenty to consider tonight,” Mom interrupts me, “I’ve apparently failed you as a mother, isn’t that right? You’d be better off without me?”
“That’s not what we’re saying at all, Mom,” Maddie whispers, “What I’ve wanted more than anything else since dad died was my mother. I’ve always wanted you to be a part of my life. Please don’t make that impossible.”
“I see,” Mom replies with disdain, “Well, girls. Thank you for making this decision so easy for me. Since I’m apparently incapable of being a good mother to you, I’ll just go ahead and bow out. Seeing as I’m impossible. Anna, you’re more than welcome to stay at the Vermont house until it’s sold. Though I suggest finding other accommodations quickly. I’m sure that property will get snatched up quick.”
With that, she turns away and leaves us there on the porch. Here one moment, gone the next. Same as ever. Only this time, she has no idea of the heartache she leaves in her wake. The world goes blurry around me as tears flood my vision, coursing hotly down my cheeks.
“I just… I can’t believe her,” I mutter.
“I can,” Anna spits, “As far as I’m concerned, this is pretty in-character for good ol’ Robin.”
“Do you think she’ll really stay here with John?” Maddie asks us both plaintively, “Maybe she’s just bluffing.”
“Now she’ll stay, just to spite us,” I say bitterly. “Where do you think you got your competitive streak from, Maddie? We’ve dared to challenge her. Now we’re the ones who are going to pay.”
; A sudden thought occurs to me in my desperate despair, and I put words to it before I can think.
“Fuck her,” I snap, “If she cares that little about us, why don’t we just follow her lead? What if we just took a stand and cut her out of our lives, right now? If the three of us broke off from her, think of how much happier—”
“If any of us could stand to abandon her completely, we would have already,” Maddie cuts in, “No matter how badly she hurts us, she’s still family. That’s not something you can ever forget.”
My heart sinks as I realize that she’s right. Family isn’t something you can wash away, no matter how many tears you shed over the ways it disappoints you. I almost have to laugh at the irony of it all. Your family is supposed to be made up of the people who care about you the most. But now, I’m being kept from the person I care about most, because of my family.
Not exactly “ha ha” funny, is it?
My ears prick up at the sound of a car engine approaching the lake house. The men must be back from their job. I look up toward the driveway and spot the family pickup lumbering our way. Cash drives while John rides shotgun, the truck loaded down with wooden planks and slabs of concrete. And there, sitting in the truck bed with his little brother, is Luke.
The sight of him sends a punishing blow of despair straight into my solar plexus. Suddenly, there’s no denying the reality of my mom’s decision to stay here with John. No getting around this obstacle that’s sprung up in my path. I know that I should stay here, tell Luke the news myself…but I can’t bear to watch the happiness go out of his eyes when he realizes that we’re through.
Hating myself for it, I turn away from him. I dash away through the front door at the same moment that Anna runs off down the front stairs. My bare feet carry me through the cavernous house, out through the patio door, and down toward the lake’s edge. I sprint out onto the dock, tears blurring my vision. After just a few furious paces, I feel my feet fly out from under me as I hit a slick patch on the wooden planks. I pitch forward, my hands shooting out in front of me to break my fall.
Stepbrother Broken (The Hawthorne Brothers Book 2) Page 12
