by Louise Hall
Kian stopped at the door to the master bedroom. It was closed and had been since the night of his Dad’s funeral. He pressed his forehead against the smooth wood. When he closed his eyes, all he could see were the bloodstains on his sheets. He could hear her crying on the other side of Ben’s front door.
She’d looked different tonight; a little broken. It had almost killed Kian; standing so close and not being able to touch her. Fuck, she couldn’t even look him in the eye. He didn’t blame her. He hated himself for what had happened that night, what he’d done.
He dragged himself down the hall to the guest bedroom but even that reminded him of Cate. He kept the curtains closed over the stained glass windows she’d loved so much. He stripped down to his boxer shorts and dropped to the bed; the sheets were still rumpled and sweaty from the night before. In the darkness, he groped for his phone on the bedside table and started to dial Cate’s number.
He dialled the 1st 3 digits and then stopped. He threw his phone across the bed and sank back on the pillows.
Maybe… Kian sat up and searched frantically for his phone. This time, he dialled the 1st 5 digits before stopping. In the darkness, all he could see were those bloodstains on his sheets.
“Fuck,” he groaned, burying his face in the pillows. He pounded the mattress with his fists until he was exhausted and his body was dripping with sweat.
CHAPTER 19
“Don’t kill your baby!”
Cate had just stepped out of the Family Planning Clinic when she felt someone grab hold of her arm.
It was an older woman; she had streaks of grey in her hair and tiny wrinkles around her eyes. She didn’t look like a thief; her rings were gold and her wedding ring had a large diamond; her wristwatch was also gold and looked expensive. Cate didn’t understand what she wanted. She tried to struggle free but she had a strong grip; her fingernails were painted pale pink and dug into Cate’s wrist.
“God wants you to have this baby!”
Cate looked at the gold cross displayed around the woman’s neck. How do you know? She was angry that this woman who called herself a Christian, who believed in the same God that Cate did, would prey on vulnerable, young women like this. “Leave me alone,” Cate hissed.
When the woman still wouldn’t let go, Cate looked around for somebody to help her. Unfortunately, the clinic was at the back of a small shopping arcade; it was meant to be out of the way and unobtrusive. A couple of little, old ladies walked past, keeping their heads down.
Kian stepped out of the chemists with his Mum’s prescription. Since his Dad died, she hadn’t been sleeping much.
“I feel terrible,” Agnes said as he held the door open for them.
“I know but there’s nothing we could do,” her friend said.
“But that poor girl, she looked so frightened. It’s not right, Mabel.”
Kian was still wondering what they were talking about when he turned the corner and nearly bumped into Cate. “I’m sorry,” he stuttered, just that fleeting touch gave him an electric shock.
When Cate looked at him, her dark eyes were filled with fear. Kian felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Was that because of him?
“You’ll regret it every second of your life.” He followed Cate’s gaze down to her wrist, which was being gripped tightly by another woman.
“Get your hands off her,” Kian ordered.
“But she’s…”
“Now,” Kian fumed. “You should be fucking ashamed of yourself.”
As the woman scuttled off, Kian put a hand on Cate’s back and gently guided her towards the car park at the back of the arcade. He could feel her trembling and he wanted nothing more than to fold her up in his arms but he had to remember that he’d lost the right to touch her, the night of his Dad’s funeral. “Come on, let’s go.”
Cate stared down at her wrist; she could still see the crescents from the woman’s nails embedded on her skin.
“You okay?” He asked softly as he unlocked his car.
Cate nodded. Her legs still felt shaky.
As she got in his car, Cate realised that she was still clutching on to the leaflets they’d given her at the clinic.
“What was that all about?” Kian asked.
“It was nothing,” Cate quickly folded up the leaflets, hoping that Kian wouldn’t notice them.
She wasn’t quick enough. “What have you got there?”
Cate quickly tried to stuff them into her bag.
Kian took them from her. “What are you doing with these?”
Cate tried to get them back from him. “Can you pull over here please? I need to get out.”
“No, I’ll take you home.”
At the next set of traffic lights, as they slowed down, Cate tried to open the door but it was locked.
“What the hell are you doing?”
She pulled frantically at the door handle again. He reached over and grabbed her hand, “Cate, stop.”
“Will you unlock the door?” Cate said, hyperventilating, “Please, I need to get out.”
“Why?”
“Please,” Cate begged. She tried the door handle again. She knew if she stayed in the car much longer; Kian would figure it out. She wasn’t ready to tell him; she wasn’t strong enough yet.
“Not until you tell me what’s going on?”
“Please don’t do this.”
“No.”
Cate realised she had to tell him; he wouldn’t give up until she did. She felt sure she was going to throw up. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen, any of it. “I’m pregnant,” Cate covered her face with her hands.
Kian immediately swerved, pulling the car over to the kerb. “What did you just say?”
“I’m pregnant,” Cate repeated quietly.
She heard the click as he unlocked the doors. “If you want to go, just go.” He couldn’t even look at her.
Cate got out of the car and as soon as she’d shut the door; Kian gunned the engine and sped off.
Kian pulled into one of the side roads and stopped the car. “Fuck,” he grunted, pounding his fist repeatedly on the steering wheel. He’d worn a condom that night, hadn’t he? He’d always been careful before; he’d never had sex without one.
He forced himself to think back to that night. It was hard, the guilt slashed through his chest. He’d felt numb. He’d wanted to break through the fucking shell, to feel something even if it hurt like hell, it was better than that zombie fucking nothingness. He remembered his bedroom smelled like rain. Fuck, he remembered taking off her tights. He gulped, not sure if he could continue this warped trip down memory lane. He’d pushed his trousers and boxers down his thighs. Shit, he remembered feeling her warm and wet around his cock, with no barrier between them. He hadn’t worn anything.
Afterwards, when he’d opened his eyes, he’d got the fucking shock of his life when he’d seen that it was Cate lying underneath him. Her bottom lip was bruised as if she’d been biting down on it. Her black eyes were huge and glassy. Kian had quickly dropped his eyes to where their bodies were intimately fused together. Her skirt was bunched up around her waist; her panties were tugged down around her knees. He’d felt the bottom fall out of his world. He’d pulled out of her, trying really hard not to hurt her any more than he already had. He’d dropped to his back on the mattress and covered his eyes as if this was a fucking nightmare he could wake up from.
Kian stumbled out of the car and threw up in the bushes. Fuck, he hadn’t just taken her virginity that night; he’d knocked her up too. He wiped his mouth and sat on the bonnet of his car. He couldn’t believe that his child was growing inside Cate. He checked himself, expecting to feel panic. He hadn’t planned on having children for ages but it wasn’t there. All he could think about was Cate. The last few weeks had been fucking awful, just a pit of blackness. It wasn’t just that his Dad had died, which was bad enough; it was that he missed Cate. Missing didn’t seem like a big enough word to describe how he felt. He craved her like
a drug; the softness of her voice, her laugh, the feel of her body pressed against his, the taste of her lips.
She must be so fucking scared right now. She’s just told you that she’s pregnant with your child and what did you do? You kicked her out of the car and drove off, leaving her at the side of the road. What a fucking jackass!
A couple of hours later, Cate was lying on the floor of her wardrobe, looking up at her violet ceiling. She lifted up her t-shirt and pressed the palm of her hand against her still-flat stomach.
She’d spent every waking minute since the tests confirmed she was pregnant thinking about her options, making pros and cons lists inside her head. That afternoon, she’d read all of the leaflets they’d given her at the Family Planning Clinic three times. Irene and her sisters were all pro-choice, she knew they wouldn’t judge her if she decided to have an abortion. It was early enough. If she did that, she could still go to university in September as planned. But it didn’t feel right. Even if it was just a cluster of cells inside her womb right now, she’d grown attached. She wanted this baby. She knew the odds were stacked against her; she was really young and Kian had made it clear that she’d have to do it by herself but despite all that, Cate knew she could do it.
Her phone rang and she quickly removed her hand from her stomach before answering.
“Cate?” Kian’s voice was quiet. “I’m sorry.”
She heard the sound of a car horn outside and it echoed down the phone line. He must be close by. “Where are you?”
“I’m at the gate.”
Cate grabbed her trainers and ran downstairs to the basement. It was pouring down as she ran to the bottom of the garden and unlocked the gate. When she opened it, Kian was stood there. He’d tried to shelter from the rain under the little archway but he was still wet and shivering.
“Here,” he took off his leather jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. She could still feel the heat of his body in the fabric lining.
There was a flash of lightning and then almost instantaneously, a loud rumble of thunder right above their heads. “Inside,” Kian took her hand and led her back up the garden to the house.
When they got to the door of the basement, Kian stopped, “is anyone else home?”
Cate shook her head, “just me.”
They went upstairs to her bedroom. “So this is your room?” Kian wandered around. He looked at the overflowing bookshelves. “You’ve got loads of books. Have you read them all?”
“Most of them,” Cate handed him a dry towel. “Those are the ones I haven’t read yet.”
He sat down on the bed and gestured for her to sit down beside him. “Turn around.”
He reached up and gently dried her hair with the towel. The scent of blackberries intoxicated him.
Cate took a deep breath. “I’m keeping the baby.”
Kian didn’t say anything; he’d been prepared to support whatever decision she wanted to make.
“You don’t have to do anything. I’ll tell people it was a one-night stand and I didn’t get the guy’s name.” Kian closed his eyes, he felt sick at the thought that Cate and his child would always be there, just out of his reach.
“They’ll never believe you,” Kian said softly. “You’re not like that.”
“What choice will they have?” Cate said, “it’s not like there are any likely candidates.”
“What about Zeke?”
“I haven’t even spoken to him since the night your Dad…” Cate had withdrawn from everybody.
Suddenly they heard the front door open, “Cate, you home?” It was Irene.
“Up here,” Cate called back.
Kian hid inside the wardrobe.
“Hey,” Irene said, coming up the stairs. “Have you eaten yet? I’m exhausted; I thought we could order Chinese.”
“I already ate,” Cate lied.
“Are you OK?” Irene looked at her suspiciously.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Cate said. “I’m just tired, that’s all. I might have an early night.”
After Irene went downstairs, Kian pushed open the door of the wardrobe. “Has she gone?”
“Yeah,” Cate nodded. She hated lying to her Mum.
Kian came and stood behind her. He lifted up the hem of her t-shirt and pressed the palms of his hands gently against the warm skin of her stomach. It was fucking incredible that his child was growing inside of there.
“Come home with me tonight,” Kian said. “Let me take care of you.”
Cate tried to pull away, afraid that he was doing it for the wrong reasons but he wouldn’t let her go. “You don’t have to do this,” she said softly. “I won’t blame you if you walk away.”
Kian pressed his lips against hers. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Cate quickly packed an overnight bag and while Kian waited for her by the basement door, she told Irene that she was spending the night at Zeke’s house.
CHAPTER 20
The following morning, Kian pulled the car up to the kerb outside Terminal 2 Departures at Manchester Airport. He unlocked the doors but kept the engine running.
Cate looked at him warily, “aren’t you coming in with me?”
He was wearing sunglasses so she couldn’t see his eyes.
Kian shook his head. “I booked us separate cabins. It’s safer that way. I don’t want anybody to see us together until afterwards. You know what the papers are like?”
Cate looked through the blacked-out windows of his car at the busy terminal building and felt smothered with a heavy blanket of doubt. It had all seemed so easy last night.
Kian had brought her home with him and he’d been everything she needed him to be.
Soaked through from the rain, Kian suggested that she have a hot shower.
He led her upstairs to one of the bathrooms and ran the water for her until it was the perfect temperature. “Let me know if you need anything else?”
After checking the door was locked and she was alone, Cate stripped off her wet clothes. The shower was blissful, cocooning her inside the warm spray, soothing away all her worries. He’d left her a stack of warm, fluffy towels. She dried herself off and then changed into the pair of pyjamas he’d also left out for her. They were still warm from the airing cupboard. It felt like such an intimate thing to be wearing his clothes. Cate sat down on the closed toilet seat and wiped her tear-filled eyes. She felt so cherished.
When she went downstairs to the kitchen, Kian was stood in front of the stove heating up some tomato soup for them both. Cate sat down at the counter and watched him.
He looked across at her, frowned and then quickly turned away. “Is something wrong?” Cate gulped, all of her doubts and insecurities slowly creeping back in.
Kian shook his head. “I’d…” his voice was gruff. “I’d just forgotten how good you look in my clothes.”
“Did you find everything OK?” he asked softly.
Cate smiled, “yes, thanks.”
After they’d finished their soup, Cate picked up the bowls and went to put them in the sink. Kian stopped her, “I’ll do that, you’re my guest.”
“At least let me dry them,” Cate said, picking up the tea towel from the draining board.
When he led her upstairs to the master bedroom, Cate hesitated in the doorway. “You don’t have to do this,” she said softly. “I can sleep in one of the guest bedrooms or on the sofa downstairs.”
“Fuck, I’m so sorry,” Kian suddenly realised that this was the room where he’d taken her virginity. “I didn’t think.”
Cate shook her head. She and Kian were having a child together, a child they’d conceived in this room, in this bed. She needed to chase away the ghosts. “If you want me to, I’d like to sleep here.”
He pulled back the thick duvet and she climbed into bed. The bed felt like it had been made just for her. The pillows beneath her head were full but soft. Cate curled up on her side, everything smelt fresh and clean like washing powder. Kian pulled the duvet up to her ch
in and she snuggled down into the mattress.
She waited for him to climb in beside her but he made to turn away.
“Will you stay with me?” Cate asked him.
Kian looked down at her, curled up in his bed, his child growing inside her belly. She reached out her delicate hand to him. He could see the pleading in her eyes, how afraid she was that he’d reject her. As if he could.
He took her hand and pressed his lips against her skin. Fuck, she tasted so good.
He got changed into pyjamas and climbed into bed with her. He usually slept naked but didn’t want to freak her out.
She took his hand inside her own, lacing their fingers together, like a security blanket.
“I won’t blame you if you walk away,” Cate repeated, her voice no louder than a whisper. “I know this must have been a huge shock.”
Kian slid her body across the mattress towards him. “I’m not going anywhere,” he repeated his words from earlier that night. He brushed her hair away from her face, loving how she leaned into his hand. Then he trailed his hand down her back, feeling the heat of her skin through the thin t-shirt. He hooked a leg over her bent knees and pulled her closer. His hand squeezed her hipbone before moving across her stomach. He inched up her t-shirt and slid his fingers underneath. He could feel her trembling beneath his touch. He pressed the palm of his hand against her stomach and she gasped.
“Kian,” she looked at him with wide eyes.
“I want this,” he said softly, stroking his calloused thumb over her soft skin. He thought about his child growing inside of her. He’d never felt more certain of anything. “I want you, both of you.”
Cate couldn’t stop herself from crying; she felt like this was all a dream. Embarrassed, she buried her face in the soft pillows.
Kian lay on his back, pulling Cate so that she was curled up against his side. She buried her face in his chest; he could feel her shoulders moving up and down as she cried. He hated hearing her cry, it reminded him too much of that night. He didn’t let go of her hand, their skin pressed tightly together, anchoring them to each other. He brought their hands up to his lips and softly kissed each of her knuckles.
