by Louise Hall
She was almost asleep when the house phone started ringing. “Ugh,” Cate cursed, struggling to get up from the comfy sofa. She turned the radio down low and the baby immediately protested, kicking her ribs.
“Stop that,” Cate winced.
“Stop what?” Liv said brightly. Cate hadn’t realised she’d already picked up the handset.
“It’s nothing,” Cate brushed it off. She wasn’t in the mood for small talk. “Did you tell Nick that the only reason Kian asked me to marry him was because I got pregnant?”
“What?” Liv spluttered.
Cate leaned back against the wall and rubbed her eyes, she was so tired. The baby felt like it was doing somersaults inside her stomach. “Just answer the question, Liv.”
“Why on earth would I tell him something like that? What’s this about?”
“He barely knows me. I don’t get why he would say something like that unless somebody told him something. Have you been talking to him about my marriage?”
“I’m not being funny but I’ve got more interesting things to talk about than my little sister’s marriage.”
“I’m serious.”
“So am I. Not everything’s about you, Cate. Have you ever thought that maybe he put two and two together and got five? You got married really fast and you’re pregnant – it’s not much of a stretch.”
“Is that what you think?”
“No, of course not. I’m so pissed off that you would even ask me that. I’m the only person in this family who’s had your back this whole time.”
“I think you were just happy that for once you weren’t the biggest disappointment in the family.”
Liv gasped. “I can’t believe you just said that.”
Cate stumbled over her words, “Liv, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
“You know what, Cate? I don’t care that your hormones are all over the place because you’re pregnant. That was one of the shittiest things anybody’s ever said to me. I might still be in an entry level position even though I’ve been working for the same company for 3 years, living at home with Mum and dating a guy who’s never, ever going to put a ring on my finger but I’m not a fucking disappointment. I’m figuring things out, which is what I’m supposed to be doing in my early twenties. I expected it from Mum, Ben and Remy but I thought you were better than that.”
Before Cate could say anything, Liv hung up. Cate tried calling her back but it went straight to voicemail. She slumped down the wall until she was sat on the carpet. The baby was still karate kicking her insides.
Cate stormed over to the radio and turned it up. “There,” she snapped, “happy now.”
It immediately settled down. Cate braced herself against the mantelpiece. She felt like she was stuck in a tumble dryer, being spun around and thrown back and forth, until she didn’t know which way was up. Her emotions were all over the place. She didn’t like who she was turning into. She’d allowed Kian to steamroller her into quitting her job at the Tavern, she’d said some really horrible things to Liv and now she’d snapped at her unborn baby. What kind of person does that?
“I’m so sorry,” she said softly, rubbing her bump. “It’s not you, little one. Mummy’s just in a bad place right now. I love you so much.”
After the match had finished, Cate switched off the radio and went upstairs to get changed. Rovers had lost 3-1; Kian had scored a consolation goal 5 minutes from time. The deal was that if he scored a goal, she would wait for him in their bed naked. She stripped off her clothes and looked down at the bed. It would be so easy to just take off her underwear, climb under the thick duvet and wait for him. There was a really big part of her that wanted to pretend she didn’t know that Kian had kissed Alice last night. It would be so much easier.
As she went to undo the clasp of her bra, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. What are you doing? Cate stilled her hands. Are you really going to take off your bra and panties and get into bed naked, knowing that your husband kissed another woman last night? Are you going to let him make love to you, using sex to paper over the cracks in your marriage? Cate sank down on the end of the bed. You’re pathetic, she chastised herself. If you don’t confront him about this, that tiny spark inside of you will be extinguished. You’ve already dampened it down so much that it’s barely visible, just glowing embers. You’ll have resigned yourself to a life as Kian’s doormat.
Cate got up and walked into the bathroom, splashing her face with ice-cold water. She looked down at her swollen belly. Is that what you want for your child? Suppose Kian’s right and you have a little girl – is that the kind of example you want to set for her? No, Cate shook her head. She reached for a hand towel to dry her face. She looked again at her reflection in the mirror, this time she could see the fire burning in her eyes.
CHAPTER 37
When Kian finally got home from the match that night, the house was shrouded in darkness. He didn’t like it; even if she was already in bed, Cate usually left the porch light on for him. Trying hard not to panic, he unlocked the front door and pushed it open.
“Cate?”
“Are you cheating on me?” Cate’s small voice came from somewhere behind him.
“What the…?” Kian spun around, finding her sat on the bottom of the stairs.
Cate lifted up her phone, showing him the photo of him kissing Alice. “Are you cheating on me?”
Kian was frighteningly angry. “Do you really believe that?” He demanded.
“Please just answer the question,” Cate said, biting down hard on her bottom lip.
“Answer mine first.”
Cate was cowed by his fury. “I don’t know. I’ve given up everything for you.”
“I thought you wanted this.” Kian turned his back on her, clenching his fists. “If that’s how you feel, just go. Get the fuck out of my house.”
Cate ran upstairs and packed a bag. Before leaving their bedroom, she forced her wedding ring off her swollen finger and dropped it on Kian’s pillow. When she went downstairs, he wasn’t in the hallway. She stood there for a second, waiting for him to try and stop her. She put her bag in the boot of her car and slammed the lid down. The sound ricocheted through the night sky but still nothing. He wasn’t coming after her; he was just going to let her leave? She got in the car, started the engine and waited for several minutes, giving him one last chance. “Please,” Cate whimpered, her bottom lip trembling.
As Cate drove away from the house, her heart felt like it was literally breaking apart. She stopped at the top of Cooper Lane and looked down at her chest, expecting to see blood and gore gushing out of her. She didn’t know where she was going. Somehow she ended up on the motorway and just drove straight ahead for miles. Tears streamed down her cheeks and splashed on to her maternity jeans.
When Cate had been driving back from Manchester earlier that afternoon, it had started snowing. Then it had fluttered down softly, melting as soon as it touched the ground. Now, it was coming down thick and fast. Like whoever was up there was emptying buckets of the stuff and then quickly running back for more. Cate had the windscreen wipers on full but it was still hard to see where she was going. It was sticking to the road and she felt the car judder every now and then; she had to grip the steering wheel tightly to keep control. It was eerily quiet; the sky was almost white with snow and there were no other cars on the motorway.
At the next services, there was a hotel so she paid for a room for the night. She’d left the bank card Kian had given her on his pillow next to her wedding ring. She had enough left from her wages at the Tavern to cover at least a couple of nights at a hotel.
“Are you OK, love?” The bloke on reception asked. He took in her red-rimmed eyes and her bump.
“I’m fine,” Cate lied, digging her nails into the palm of her hand. All she could hear was that little voice inside her head repeating, “He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love you.”
“Are you sure?” He looked sceptical.
Cate tri
ed to smile, to reassure him that she was OK. “I’m, um… I’m just tired. It’s been a long day.”
He finally got the message. Before he handed her the key, he went into the back office. “Here,” he handed her a pillow still in plastic wrapping. “The pillows here are a bit flat; I thought you might want an extra one.”
“Thanks,” Cate bit her lip, trying really hard not to start crying again.
The room was basic but comfortable. It was on the 1st floor, looking out over the almost empty car park. Cate checked the door was locked and walked into the small bathroom. She stripped off her clothes and ran the shower until it was hot. She climbed into the shower, pulled the curtain across and sank to her knees on the floor. The walls were thin but with the water running, Cate hoped that nobody could hear the sobs which racked through her body. “He doesn’t love you.”
When she had no more tears left, she forced herself to get up. She opened up her bag and pulled out her pyjamas. Without even thinking, she’d picked up her favourites – Kian’s navy-blue t-shirt and green and blue plaid bottoms. She held the t-shirt up to her nose; it still smelled like him.
She pulled back the covers and climbed into the cold, empty bed. She prayed for sleep but with Kian’s clothes wrapped around her body, she was constantly reminded of him.
She wanted him so badly. She struggled to sleep when he wasn’t there; she needed his warm body curled around her, the feel of his warm breath on her shoulder as he kissed her. If her feet were cold, he’d slip them between his calves to heat them up. She loved the feel of the hairs on his calves brushing against her skin. Cate felt her eyes burn with fresh tears, as she thought about how he would often reach for her in the middle of the night, slipping his hands underneath her top so he could cradle her bump.
After their argument, Kian had grabbed a beer from the fridge and brooded in his office. He’d been shit-scared when he’d pushed open the front door, not sure what he was going to find. All sorts of shit went through his head – would he find her collapsed somewhere, unconscious and bleeding heavily? When he saw her and she was OK, he’d been so fucking relieved; he’d thought his heart was going to burst of his chest. She’d just sat there and calmly asked if he was cheating on her? His relief had quickly flipped to anger. He was so fucking angry; he’d had to walk away because he didn’t trust himself. He picked up the bottle of beer and chucked it at the closed door to his office. It broke, splashing beer all up the wall and glass over the carpet. Kian didn’t give a fuck; he turned his back on the mess.
Ugh, he wanted to wring Alice’s bloody neck. He used to think it was a laugh playing games with the press, pretending that they were dating so she could sneak about with Jack. He couldn’t say he hadn’t benefitted from it – it was Alice who’d told him that Zeke was gay, which had led to Cate confessing that she had been trying to make him jealous.
Fuck, Kian closed his eyes; Cate had looked so beautiful that night. He could still see her standing on the threshold of one of the guest bedrooms, marvelling at the beauty of the stained glass. Her black hair had fallen loosely down her back in soft waves; Kian had to shove his hands in his pockets to stop himself from running his fingers through it. She was wearing that black dress with cherries on it. As soon as she’d admitted she wasn’t with Zeke, he’d slammed her back against the wall and when he’d kissed her, she’d kissed him back with such hunger. If it hadn’t been for the damn smoke alarm, he’d probably have taken her there and then. He had so little restraint when it came to Cate.
That girl was it for him. How could she believe even for a second that he could fucking cheat on her?
Kian got up and stepped over the broken glass. He called her name but his voice echoed through the empty house. When he looked at the driveway, her car wasn’t there. Ugh, she must have gone to her Mum’s.
As he stalked down the hallway, he noticed the white, twinkling lights Cate had put up above the windows in the back porch were still switched on. He walked past the Christmas tree, remembering how just a couple of days ago they’d decorated it together. He’d never seen the point of decorating his house for Christmas before; it was just him and he spent the day either at training or at Cate’s house anyway so what was the point? She’d made it worth his while though. Afterwards, she’d grabbed some cushions and a throw from the porch and laid them down on the carpet. They’d made love right there in the foyer, with only the Christmas lights shining down above them. He’d slept blissfully that night on the floor with his girl wrapped around him.
As he stepped on to the porch to turn off the Christmas lights, he spotted a notebook left open on the daybed. He recognised Cate’s handwriting straight away. It looked like a list of sorts. He left the Christmas lights on, sank down on the daybed and began to read.
It was a list of all the things she wanted to do. She wanted to paddle in the Pacific Ocean. Kian had seen so much of the world as a footballer that he’d forgotten that Cate might want to see more than just this little corner of Cheshire.
He continued down the list. What the fuck is zorbing?
She wanted to dye her hair purple and get a tattoo? Huh? Kian thought about how Cate already liked to rebel, with things she could cover up: the row of metal studs in her ears and the intricate designs she painted just on her toenails leaving the fingernails everybody else saw plain.
He loved these little insights into Cate, as much as he loved the way she murmured softly when she slept.
There were a couple of lines which had been crossed out but he could just make out the writing underneath.
“I want to know what it feels like to be loved.”
Those simple words ripped Kian’s heart to shreds. Fuck, how could she not know? He’d told her, surely he’d told her… He must have done. What kind of bastard doesn’t tell their wife how much he loves her?
He wracked his brain, trying to remember the last time he’d said I love you but came up blank. There were so many times when he’d been just about to and then something had happened.
He needed to tell her right now, before another moment passed. He raced to the kitchen and picked up his phone. He paced back and forth, waiting for her to answer but it just kept ringing out.
He couldn’t blame her for not answering; he’d told her to get the fuck out of his house.
Kian looked out of the kitchen window; the snow was coming down thick and fast. He had this feeling that something wasn’t right. He assumed Cate had gone to her Mum’s house but when he tried calling the home phone, there was no answer. He called Liv’s mobile.
“Kian, it’s 3am,” Liv grumbled, sounding like she’d just woken up.
“Is Cate there? I need to talk to her.”
“Why would Cate be here?” Liv yawned. “No, she’s not.”
Kian felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up straight. If she wasn’t at her Mum’s, where was she? “Can you check?”
Liv kept her mobile with her so he heard her call Cate’s name several times as she searched up and down the house, checking every room. “She’s definitely not here.”
“Is anyone else there?”
“No, it’s just me. Mum’s still in Bromley.”
“Shit,” Kian slammed his fist down hard on the kitchen counter. The snow looked thick and treacherous.
Liv suddenly sounded awake. “What’s happened?”
“Can you try calling Cate?”
“Kian, you’re scaring me now. What’s happened?”
“Please Liv.”
Kian went upstairs to check what she’d taken with her. When he walked into their bedroom, he found her wedding ring and the bank card he’d given her left on his pillow. “Fuck, no.”
He pocketed the card and ring, grabbed his keys and ran downstairs. He needed to find Cate now.
“Any luck?” he asked as Liv answered the door.
She shook her head, “it’s switched off.”
“Is there anywhere else she could have gone?” Liv asked after Kian had expl
ained what happened.
Kian frowned. “What’s Nick’s address?”
“She won’t have gone there,” Liv said.
“How the fuck do you know? She kissed him.”
“I know my sister,” Liv snapped. “He kissed her. She didn’t kiss him. There’s a monumental fucking difference.”
“What’s his address?”
“Like I’m telling you,” Liv said. She grabbed her phone from the table. “I’ll call him.”
“Nick?”
“No, it’s Molly.”
“Is he there? It’s Liv,” she had no time for small-talk.
“Hello?” Nick sounded as if he’d just woken up. “Liv, it’s nearly 4am?”
“Is my sister with you?”
“Cate? No, why the hell would she be with me? Shit, you heard about the kiss.”
“Have you heard from her at all?”
“No. Kian stopped by yesterday and just said she wouldn’t be coming back to work. Why? Is she OK?”
“It’s fine,” Liv said, “go back to sleep.”
“Happy now?” Liv scowled at Kian. “I told you she wouldn’t be with that jackass.”
Kian slumped down on the sofa. “Where the fuck is she?”
“She’ll be OK,” Liv said. She couldn’t help looking out the window at the heavy snow.
“How can you say that?” Kian said angrily. “Have you seen the fucking weather? She’s somewhere out there, she’s 7 months pregnant and she hasn’t got any money.”
“We could call Sinead, see if she knows anything?”
“Shit,” Sinead said, after Kian had explained what happened. “I’m sorry.”
Kian winced; this wasn’t good. “What are you sorry for?” He braced himself.
Sobbing, Sinead told him that she’d emailed Cate the photos of him kissing Alice. “Is there anything I can do?”
“I think you’ve done enough,” Kian snapped, ending the call.
